美国国家公共电台 NPR--'What Looks Like Bravery' explains how achievement can't protect us from grief

'What Looks Like Bravery' explains how achievement can't protect us from grief

Transcript¹

NPR's Sacha Pfeiffer speaks with Laurel Braitman about her memoir², What Looks Like Bravery: An Epic³ Journey Through Loss to Love.

SACHA PFEIFFER, HOST:

Laurel Braitman was still in high school when she experienced one of the most devastating⁴ things that can happen to a child - her father died. That affected⁵ the rest of her young adult life. Nearly three decades later, she's written a memoir about that experience. It's called "What Looks Like Bravery." Braitman says she had a happy childhood growing up on an idyllic⁶ ranch⁷ in California with donkeys and peacocks and avocado trees. But she had to keep a brave face as she watched her father get sick. She told me her parents never tried to hide his illness from her.

LAUREL BRAITMAN: Well, my dad was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, which is a rare and aggressive form of bone cancer. My parents absolutely did not try to protect us from it, and I think that was mostly a blessing⁸. But it was also hard. So my dad was given an initial prognosis of about six months and prepared us for his death. You know, he said goodbye. He started to get his affairs in order. And then he didn't die.

He went on his own journey for the next - oof, probably 14 years to find treatments, oftentimes experimental. But the thing was, we would never know how much time we were going to get. So we would get time with him in tiny chunks⁹, like four months here, a year there, six weeks there, and then we'd say goodbye again. So we really lived with the ticking clock of mortality for years and years. And we were never quite able to take a day for granted.

PFEIFFER: Part of the reason that your father lived so much longer than his doctors thought he would is that he was very good at advocating for himself in the health care system, maybe because he was a doctor himself. You wrote he even got one surgery against the advice of his oncologist, but that bought him time. What lessons do you think his experience offer the rest of us about health advocacy, if anything at all?

BRAITMAN: No one cares as much about your outcomes as you do. I learned that at a very, very early age. And that isn't to say that your health care team doesn't care about you - absolutely they do. But such is the way with modern health care. People aren't talking to each other. You need to be your own advocate. And against all odds¹⁰, you need to fight for the kind of care that you deserve. And I wish that wasn't true in this country, but it absolutely is.

PFEIFFER: And for him, it paid off, at least in terms of extra time with his family.

BRAITMAN: It did. It did. He also taught me that you shouldn't be scared to ask questions of your physicians and nurses and other folks who are helping¹¹ you. If a doctor is annoyed or frustrated¹² by you asking questions, he told me to run, not walk out of their office, that a really good physician is just going to appreciate that you're asking questions and that you're curious and won't be threatened by the need to answer you. No one cares as much about your outcomes as you do.

PFEIFFER: Your dad lived till a few months before your high school graduation. In your book, you jump all the way from his death to when you were 36 years old. You skip what happened in between. How would you sum up your life from high school till mid-30s?

BRAITMAN: I was on an epic hamster wheel of achievement. You know, I would do anything for a brass¹³ ring of success. And the blessing of what my dad did when my brother and I were growing up was lay out all these beautiful things that we could become and things we could do as adults. But I overinterpreted that as a to-do list. And there was all kinds of things on there, you know, from writing a New York Times bestselling book to getting a PhD at MIT. And I spent 20 years, one by one, checking every single thing off that list he wanted for me. So by the time the book picks up again, when I'm in my mid-30s, I was exhausted¹⁴.

PFEIFFER: Do you think at some conscious or unconscious level you were doing that because you thought your dad wanted it?

BRAITMAN: Oh, absolutely. You know, what I learned later - I became a grief counselor¹⁵ for bereaved¹⁶ kids who were in my situation, trying to learn from them. And one thing that I learned was that achievement or overachievement can be a trauma¹⁷ response. And really what it is, is an effort to control the uncontrollable, that subconsciously¹⁸ you believe that if I only do X, then Y will hurt a little less, and that's what I was doing. I was trying to exert control over a world where we can lose people we love for no reason at all.

PFEIFFER: I think you described it as overachieving to contradict feelings of helplessness.

BRAITMAN: Absolutely.

PFEIFFER: Do you think that's what it did for you - it helped you overcome grief or a feeling of helplessness at some level?

BRAITMAN: I would say it distracted me on pretty much every level. And you get positive reinforcement from the world. You know, so the better you do at school, the better you do in sports, and then eventually the better you do in your career, you get accolades¹⁹. You get praise. And so even though for me, in the end, it was a form of a unhealthy coping mechanism²⁰, I was getting rewarded for it. The only problem comes when enough losses catch up to you and when new losses happen, that coping mechanism stopped working for me.

PFEIFFER: You mentioned that you volunteered at a center for grieving children, and you got some great advice from an 8-year-old girl. She said the worst thing that you can do is try not to be sad. How did hearing that affect your own grieving process?

BRAITMAN: It brought me to my knees. I spent decades trying to avoid feeling sad. I tried to achieve my way out of sadness. I tried to use excellence²¹ as an analgesic²² on a pain that I believe I couldn't have admitted was there. And seeing these kids face their own losses and their own pain with such bravery just brought me to my knees.

PFEIFFER: When you realized that you had misinterpreted in a way why your dad had pushed you to accomplish so much, how did you then begin to live your life differently?

BRAITMAN: Well, first I realized that grief wasn't something to run from, that my negative feelings weren't something to avoid. And that grief isn't something that we move through. And I think we really get that wrong in Western culture, that we think of grief, if not in stages, we do think it's something to survive or get to the other side of. And I realized that that was impossible. And not only that, but by turning towards it and turning towards my own pain, the joy of my life, the wonder, the beauty, all of that was turned up in the world. It was like I could finally see in a new color spectrum²³.

PFEIFFER: Laurel Braitman is the author of "What Looks Like Bravery: An Epic Journey Through Loss To Love." Laurel, thank you.

BRAITMAN: Thank you so much for having me.

1 transcript   

n.抄本，誊本，副本，肄业证书

参考例句：

• A transcript of the tapes was presented as evidence in court.一份录音带的文字本作为证据被呈交法庭。
• They wouldn't let me have a transcript of the interview.他们拒绝给我一份采访的文字整理稿。

2 memoir   

n.[pl.]回忆录，自传；记事录

参考例句：

• He has just published a memoir in honour of his captain.他刚刚出了一本传记来纪念他的队长。
• In her memoir,the actress wrote about the bittersweet memories of her first love.在那个女演员的自传中，她写到了自己苦乐掺半的初恋。

3 epic   

n.史诗，叙事诗；adj.史诗般的，壮丽的

参考例句：

• I gave up my epic and wrote this little tale instead.我放弃了写叙事诗，而写了这个小故事。
• They held a banquet of epic proportions.他们举行了盛大的宴会。

4 devastating   

adj.毁灭性的，令人震惊的，强有力的

参考例句：

• It is the most devastating storm in 20 years.这是20年来破坏性最大的风暴。
• Affairs do have a devastating effect on marriages.婚外情确实会对婚姻造成毁灭性的影响。

5 affected   

adj.不自然的，假装的

参考例句：

• She showed an affected interest in our subject.她假装对我们的课题感到兴趣。
• His manners are affected.他的态度不自然。

6 idyllic   

adj.质朴宜人的，田园风光的

参考例句：

• These scenes had an idyllic air.这种情景多少有点田园气氛。
• Many people living in big cities yearn for an idyllic country life.现在的很多都市人向往那种田园化的生活。

7 ranch   

n.大牧场，大农场

参考例句：

• He went to work on a ranch.他去一个大农场干活。
• The ranch is in the middle of a large plateau.该牧场位于一个辽阔高原的中部。

8 blessing   

n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿

参考例句：

• The blessing was said in Hebrew.祷告用了希伯来语。
• A double blessing has descended upon the house.双喜临门。

9 chunks   

厚厚的一块( chunk的名词复数 )； （某物）相当大的数量或部分

参考例句：

• a tin of pineapple chunks 一罐菠萝块
• Those chunks of meat are rather large—could you chop them up a bIt'smaller? 这些肉块相当大，还能再切小一点吗？

10 odds   

n.让步，机率，可能性，比率；胜败优劣之别

参考例句：

• The odds are 5 to 1 that she will win.她获胜的机会是五比一。
• Do you know the odds of winning the lottery once?你知道赢得一次彩票的几率多大吗？

11 helping   

n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的

参考例句：

• The poor children regularly pony up for a second helping of my hamburger. 那些可怜的孩子们总是要求我把我的汉堡包再给他们一份。
• By doing this, they may at times be helping to restore competition. 这样一来, 他在某些时候,有助于竞争的加强。

12 frustrated   

adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧

参考例句：

• It's very easy to get frustrated in this job. 这个工作很容易令人懊恼。
• The bad weather frustrated all our hopes of going out. 恶劣的天气破坏了我们出行的愿望。 来自《简明英汉词典》

13 brass   

n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器

参考例句：

• Many of the workers play in the factory's brass band.许多工人都在工厂铜管乐队中演奏。
• Brass is formed by the fusion of copper and zinc.黄铜是通过铜和锌的熔合而成的。

14 exhausted   

adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的

参考例句：

• It was a long haul home and we arrived exhausted.搬运回家的这段路程特别长，到家时我们已筋疲力尽。
• Jenny was exhausted by the hustle of city life.珍妮被城市生活的忙乱弄得筋疲力尽。

15 counselor   

n.顾问，法律顾问

参考例句：

• The counselor gave us some disinterested advice.顾问给了我们一些无私的忠告。
• Chinese commercial counselor's office in foreign countries.中国驻国外商务参赞处。

16 bereaved   

adj.刚刚丧失亲人的v.使失去（希望、生命等）( bereave的过去式和过去分词)；（尤指死亡）使丧失（亲人、朋友等）；使孤寂；抢走（财物）

参考例句：

• The ceremony was an ordeal for those who had been recently bereaved. 这个仪式对于那些新近丧失亲友的人来说是一种折磨。
• an organization offering counselling for the bereaved 为死者亲友提供辅导的组织

17 trauma   

n.外伤，精神创伤

参考例句：

• Counselling is helping him work through this trauma.心理辅导正帮助他面对痛苦。
• The phobia may have its root in a childhood trauma.恐惧症可能源于童年时期的创伤。

18 subconsciously   

ad.下意识地，潜意识地

参考例句：

• In choosing a partner we are subconsciously assessing their evolutionary fitness to be a mother of children or father provider and protector. 在选择伴侣的时候，我们会在潜意识里衡量对方将来是否会是称职的母亲或者父亲，是否会是合格的一家之主。
• Lao Yang thought as he subconsciously tightened his grasp on the rifle. 他下意识地攥紧枪把想。 来自汉英文学 - 散文英译

19 accolades   

n.（连结几行谱表的）连谱号( accolade的名词复数 )；嘉奖；（窗、门上方的）桃尖拱形线脚；册封爵士的仪式（用剑面在肩上轻拍一下）

参考例句：

• Unlike other accolades for literature which tend to value style or experimentation. 有别于其他偏重风格活实验性的文学奖项。 来自互联网
• Build your trophy room while amassing awards and accolades. 建立您的奖杯积累奖项和荣誉。 来自互联网

20 mechanism   

n.机械装置；机构，结构

参考例句：

• The bones and muscles are parts of the mechanism of the body.骨骼和肌肉是人体的组成部件。
• The mechanism of the machine is very complicated.这台机器的结构是非常复杂的。

21 excellence   

n.优秀，杰出，(pl.)优点，美德

参考例句：

• His art has reached a high degree of excellence.他的艺术已达到炉火纯青的地步。
• My performance is far below excellence.我的表演离优秀还差得远呢。

22 analgesic   

n.镇痛剂；adj.止痛的

参考例句：

• The hospital advised an analgesic for chest and shoulder pains.医院建议用止痛药治疗胸部和肩部疼痛。
• Aspirin is a mild analgesic.阿司匹林是药性平和的止痛药。

23 spectrum   

n.谱，光谱，频谱；范围，幅度，系列

参考例句：

• This is a kind of atomic spectrum.这是一种原子光谱。
• We have known much of the constitution of the solar spectrum.关于太阳光谱的构成，我们已了解不少。