美国有线新闻 CNN 2015-05-23

 And tonight I am going to let you in on something that's been going on vis-a-vis my relationship with the fickle¹ mistress that is Twitter. 

 

So a few days ago I was going through my Twitter feed and found a quote that was attributed to me. It was something I had ostensibly said at a commencement speech. 

 

And I quote. "Graduation is a big deal, bigger than getting a hole-in-one while golfing. People might think you are lying about the hole-in-one, but when you graduate, you get a diploma." 

 

Now, I knew I never said that, so naturally I moved swiftly to correct the error. I posted a reply on Twitter using the "umm" technique, which is the universal signifier of kind of a bitchy tweet in progress.

 

"Umm, Clickhole," I wrote, "did you make this stuff up? I never said this quote and I never spoke² to the NYU class of 2015." And that's when everyone on planet earth helpfully pointed³ out that Clickhole is a comedy site, run by the same satirical geniuses who produced the Onion. Which I...Thank you, I know.

 

And I read the Onion and I love the Onion. Now, I've even interviewed the Onion, I've been to the Onion offices. Now if somebody say the name of the site, Clickhole should have been my first clue. Yeah, I know! It should have. Shouldn't have it? 

 

Somebody say I should have done just a teeny bit of clicking around, clicking around said hole and maybe been tipped off by the other headlines: "Nine things James Taylor will never understand." "Quiz: Do you enjoy a nice bowl of soup?" "My daughter is running a fever and keeps coughing up pieces of evidence from the O.J. Simpson trial." 

 

Needless to say I didn't read any of those. Now, in my defense⁴, umm, none of those things have my name in them, so why would I have read them? Yeah, that's the kind of guy I am. 

 

It is particularly humiliating given the fact that I am a fan of the Onion, and I actually have moderated an entire panel with the Onion staff. I'll show you evidence. 

 

"Planned Parenthood Opens Eight Billion Abortionplex..."

 

"Oh yeah, it was recent, it was just a few weeks ago, actually. People on the extreme rights took it seriously and were completely outraged⁵ that Planned Parenthood would open its abortionplex."

 

"But they weren't surprised."

 

"With a martini bar..."

 

Silly people! Falling for a satire⁶ site. But really, I mean, that was a good discussion. And I get their humor. I promise you, I get their humor. 

 

"Anybody you won't pick on?"

 

"No! I mean, You of course, because you, you are the moderator and you are famous and everything..."

 

"Oh, come on. That's clearly about the Warlords!"

 

"I liked my face in that. I'm sort of resigned."

 

"He was a gentle lover. "

 

See, I'm a seeker, so I wondered what can this Clickhole misstep teach me? I'm trying to learn from this. Maybe it's a tale of hubris⁷, me a modern-day Icarus flying a little too close to the red hot sun of social media attention. 

 

I had just began to ponder this when my assistant emailed to let me know someone called to ask if my refrigerator was running, so obviously that needed my full attention. So I'll just close with a gentle reminder⁸, mostly to myself–don't believe everything you read in life, online and on the Ridiculist. 

 

By the way, I corrected myself like, a few minutes later. And, anyway, you know what? I'm going to give up trying to explain. 

 

Ahhhh...I'm a loser.

1 fickle   

adj.(爱情或友谊上)易变的，不坚定的

参考例句：

• Fluctuating prices usually base on a fickle public's demand.物价的波动往往是由于群众需求的不稳定而引起的。
• The weather is so fickle in summer.夏日的天气如此多变。

2 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

3 pointed   

adj.尖的，直截了当的

参考例句：

• He gave me a very sharp pointed pencil.他给我一支削得非常尖的铅笔。
• She wished to show Mrs.John Dashwood by this pointed invitation to her brother.她想通过对达茨伍德夫人提出直截了当的邀请向她的哥哥表示出来。

4 defense   

n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩

参考例句：

• The accused has the right to defense.被告人有权获得辩护。
• The war has impacted the area with military and defense workers.战争使那个地区挤满了军队和防御工程人员。

5 outraged   

a.震惊的，义愤填膺的

参考例句：

• Members of Parliament were outraged by the news of the assassination. 议会议员们被这暗杀的消息激怒了。
• He was outraged by their behavior. 他们的行为使他感到愤慨。

6 satire   

n.讽刺，讽刺文学，讽刺作品

参考例句：

• The movie is a clever satire on the advertising industry.那部影片是关于广告业的一部巧妙的讽刺作品。
• Satire is often a form of protest against injustice.讽刺往往是一种对不公正的抗议形式。

7 hubris   

n.傲慢，骄傲

参考例句：

• There is no safety in unlimited technological hubris.在技术方面自以为是会很危险。
• The very hubris of French claims alarmed the other powers.法国贪婪的胃口使其他大国惊恐不安。

8 reminder   

n.提醒物，纪念品；暗示，提示

参考例句：

• I have had another reminder from the library.我又收到图书馆的催还单。
• It always took a final reminder to get her to pay her share of the rent.总是得发给她一份最后催缴通知，她才付应该交的房租。