读者文摘:最搞笑的职场段子之愚蠢老板篇

After two days of heated wrangling¹, we got one of our vendors² to agree to a 35 percent discount.

经过两天的激烈争论，我们说服了一个供应商同意降价35%。

As we were about to sign the contract, my boss, who had not been a party to the negotiations³, walked in and tore it up, saying, "I'm going to teach you purchasing people how to play hardball.

正当我们要签订合同的时候，我的老板，他并未参于这次谈判，走进来把它撕了。他说，“我要教你们这些采购人怎么采取强硬手段。

That's the way you make it in this world." He turned to the vendor's sales rep and said, "We want a 20 percent discount; take it or leave it."

这就是你们在这个世界上的生存之道。”他转向供应商的销售代表说道，“我们想要20%的折扣，不许讨价还价。”

The delighted rep immediately agreed. As my boss left, he said to us, "I hope you learned something from that."

高兴的销售代表立即同意了。我的老板离开后，他对我们说，“我希望你能从这件事上学到什么东西。”

When corporate⁴ came to visit, the CEO complimented me by saying," You aren't as dumb as HR made you out to be."

公司来拜访时，首席执行官称赞我说：“你不像人力资源部说的那么蠢。”

My boss heard there was an opening for a plant manager in our South American facility.

我的老板听说我们的南美公司缺一位工厂经理，

To better prepare himself, he decided⁵ to attend Spanish classes on the company's time and at its expense.

为了更好地做好准备，他决定利用公司的时间自费学习西班牙语课程。

The only problem? The plant is in Brazil, where they speak Portuguese⁶.

唯一的问题？工厂在巴西，那里的人讲葡萄牙语。

My boss used to tell me and another coworker he hadn't showered in days and wanted us to make sure clients didn't get close to him at events.

我的老板过去常常告诉我和另一位同事，他好几天没有洗澡了，让我们确保客户不会在活动中接近他。

I work for a family-owned check-cashing company. One day, I was robbed at gunpoint.

我在一家家族所有的支票兑现公司工作。有一天，我被持枪抢劫了。

The next day, the owners deducted⁷ the stolen cash from my paycheck. They said I had willingly complied with the robber's wishes.

第二天，公司老板从我的薪水中把被偷的现金扣掉了。他们说我心甘情愿地顺从了强盗的意愿。

My boss ate all the breading off of three pieces of leftover⁸ fried chicken I'd brought to work for lunch,

我的老板把我带到公司的吃午饭剩下的三块炸鸡都吃光了，

and then he put the naked chicken back into the break-room fridge like nothing happened.

然后他把鸡骨头放回休息室的冰箱里，就像什么都没发生一样。

Inspirational quotes from the men and women who lead us during the workweek:

在工作周领导我们的男人和女人的励志句子。

I know my plan won't work, but don't disagree with me in front of others.

我知道我的计划不会奏效。但是不要在其他人面前反对我。

If you are on schedule, then your plan was not aggressive enough. If you are behind schedule, you must be goofing⁹ off.

如果你按时完成了，那你的计划就不够激进。如果你进度落后了，那就是一定在偷懒。

What this department lacks is leadership.

这个部门缺少的是领导力。

Bonuses in my department are awarded to team players who have demonstrated an appreciation¹⁰ for my leadership.

我部门的奖金是发给对我的领导能力表示赞赏的团队成员的。

I tried to e-mail you to tell you that my e-mail wasn't working, but my e-mail wasn't working.

我想给你发邮件告诉你我的邮件发不出去了，但是我的邮件发不出去了。

I got a citation¹¹ in my employee file because I told my boss that Bob Marley did not sing "Red Red Wine."

我的工作档案里有一条引文，因为我告诉老板鲍勃·马利没有唱“红酒”。

1 wrangling   

v.争吵，争论，口角( wrangle的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• The two sides have spent most of their time wrangling over procedural problems. 双方大部分时间都在围绕程序问题争论不休。 来自辞典例句
• The children were wrangling (with each other) over the new toy. 孩子为新玩具（互相）争吵。 来自辞典例句

2 vendors   

n.摊贩( vendor的名词复数 )；小贩；（房屋等的）卖主；卖方

参考例句：

• The vendors were gazundered at the last minute. 卖主在最后一刻被要求降低房价。
• At the same time, interface standards also benefIt'software vendors. 同时，界面标准也有利于软件开发商。 来自About Face 3交互设计精髓

3 negotiations   

协商( negotiation的名词复数 )； 谈判； 完成（难事）； 通过

参考例句：

• negotiations for a durable peace 为持久和平而进行的谈判
• Negotiations have failed to establish any middle ground. 谈判未能达成任何妥协。

4 corporate   

adj.共同的，全体的；公司的，企业的

参考例句：

• This is our corporate responsibility.这是我们共同的责任。
• His corporate's life will be as short as a rabbit's tail.他的公司的寿命是兔子尾巴长不了。

5 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

6 Portuguese   

n.葡萄牙人；葡萄牙语

参考例句：

• They styled their house in the Portuguese manner.他们仿照葡萄牙的风格设计自己的房子。
• Her family is Portuguese in origin.她的家族是葡萄牙血统。

7 deducted   

v.扣除，减去( deduct的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• The cost of your uniform will be deducted from your wages. 制服费将从你的工资中扣除。
• The cost of the breakages will be deducted from your pay. 损坏东西的费用将从你的工资中扣除。 来自《简明英汉词典》

8 leftover   

n.剩货，残留物，剩饭；adj.残余的

参考例句：

• These narrow roads are a leftover from the days of horse-drawn carriages.这些小道是从马车时代沿用下来的。
• Wonder if that bakery lets us take leftover home.不知道那家糕饼店会不会让我们把卖剩的带回家。

9 goofing   

v.弄糟( goof的现在分词 )；混；打发时间；出大错

参考例句：

• He should have been studying instead of goofing around last night. 他昨晚应该念书，不应该混。 来自走遍美国快乐40招
• Why don't you just admit you're goofing off? 偷了懒就偷了赖，还不爽爽快快承认？ 来自辞典例句

10 appreciation   

n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨

参考例句：

• I would like to express my appreciation and thanks to you all.我想对你们所有人表达我的感激和谢意。
• I'll be sending them a donation in appreciation of their help.我将送给他们一笔捐款以感谢他们的帮助。

11 citation   

n.引用，引证，引用文；传票

参考例句：

• He had to sign the proposition for the citation.他只好在受奖申请书上签了字。
• The court could issue a citation and fine Ms. Robbins.法庭可能会发传票，对罗宾斯女士处以罚款。