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CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE My Past Returns
I promised St. John that I would teach at the Morton school until Christmas. Then he could find another teacher. On the last day of school. St. John came to see me as I said goodbye to my students. I was sad to see some of them go.
“Jane, your students have already learned1 so much. And you’ve only worked here for a few months! Just think how good it would be, if you spent your life teaching2!”
“Oh, no, St. John,” I said, “I don’t think I could do it forever. But don’t talk about school now. it’s Christmas time!”
He looked serious. “What are your plans?”
“For the next few days, Hannah and I are going to clean Moor3 House. We’ll get everything ready for Christmas. Everything must be ready for Diana and Mary when they come home next week, for a really wonderful time!”
St. John smiled. “That’s all right for now, but I hope, Jane, that soon you’ll think seriously about ways to use your mind, body and heart in the service of God.”
“St. John, we are all so lucky to be together, and we have so many reasons to be happy this Christmas, Don’t scold4 me!” I said cheerfully5.
That week Hannah and I worked hard, cooking and cleaning. It made us happy to see Diana and Mary’s faces when they saw the beautiful house and warm fires, and all the cakes and Christmas foods we had made.
Diana, Mary, and I had a wonderful Christmas week. We took walks on the moors6, read, and sang together. We were even happier to know that we were independent women now, because of our new money. But St. john did not join us in our fun. He continued to study all the time, and visited the sick and poor as he had always done. “St. john, are you still going to leave us and become a missionary7?” Diana asked him one day, a little sadly. “Nothing will change my plans,” he told his sister. “I will leave England in a few months.”
“And Rosamund Oliver?” asked Mary gently.
“What about her? She is going to marry a Mr. Granby. Her father tells me he is a very nice young man.” St. John’s face was calm, and his mind was thinking about other things. With surprise, I realized he no longer loved Rosamund. Somehow, he had pushed her out of his heart.
Soon our lives at Moor House returned to normal, once Christmas was over. We began to study the things that interested us again, such as languages and drawing. However, St. John began to spend more time with Diana, Mary and I sometimes I thought he was watching me. One day when I was alone, he said to me, “Jane, would you learn the Hindustani language with me? I’ll need it for my work in India, and you can help me to learn it by studying with me. You don’t need German, anyway. You will be a good partner for me, because you study harder than my sisters do.” It seemed important to him, so I began to study Hindustani. Diana and Mary were surprised that I had stopped learning8 German.
St. John and I spent many hours together, studying. I had to work very hard to satisfy9 him. When I was with him I felt that I was losing the freedom to be myself, Jane Eyre, and do the things I liked. St. John always wanted me to be serious. Soon, I never laughed or even smiled. However, St. John seemed to want to be with me all the time, and I discovered that it was not unpleasant10.
All this time, I had not forgotten Mr. Rochester. I knew I would love him for the rest of my life. I had written letters to Mr. Briggs and Mrs. Fairfax, asking about him, but there was no answer. Soon I lost hope and began to feel unhappy again. Diana said she thought I looked tired, and should go to the ocean for a rest. But St. John thought I should study even more. He gave me more of the Hindustani language to practice. On day St. John and I had stopped our studying and were walking outside. He said to me, “Jane, I’ll be leaving for India in six weeks.”
“You’re serving God, so I’m sure He will protect you,” I said.
“But it seems strange to me that my friends won’t come with me. Only those who serve God will go to heaven. What do you say to that, Jane?”
“I don’t know what to say, St. John. I think---“ I said.
“Then I must speak for you!” he interrupted11. “Jane, come with me to India and teach the word of God!”
Was this what God wanted me to do with my life? I felt afraid, thinking that I might not be able to say “no” to St. John.
“St. John, don’t choose me!” I cried. But I knew that St. John would not understand my feelings. If he thought God was telling him to do something, he always did it, no matter how bad it was.
“God wants you to be a missionary’s wife--- my wife.”
He continued. “Trust in Him, Jane. Marry me, to please God.”
“Sr. John, I can’t do that. I can’t marry you and go to India. I’m not strong enough,” I said desperately12.
“I know how hard you can work, Jane. You can help me with the Indian women, and teach English to many students.” I thought for a while, walking next to him and saying nothing. I believed I could live in India with St. John, because the work would be rewarding13 and interesting. “Yes, I could do that. But I know he doesn’t love me, and yet he still asks me to marry him! Why?” I thought. After a while, I said.,
“St. John. I will go with you to India, but as your cousin, not as your wife.”
He shook his head. “No, Jane. As my cousin, you could marry some other man any time and leave me. I need a wife. Who will obey me and stay with me until death.”
Even though I did not want to go, I felt St. John’s power over me already. “I could go with you to India as a friend, but I can’t give up my freedom by marrying you. I will always give my heart to God, but you don’t want it, St. John. You don’t love me, and I don’t love you,” I said to him gently.
“I’ll ask you again in a few days. Remember it’s not me you’re saying “no” to--- it’s God! You are disobeying14 God!”
I turned to face him. “St. John Rivers, you must make sure that you’re not confusing15 what God wants, with what you want!” Later, I could not believe I had said this to him.
He was very angry with me, and for the next week he was as cold as ice to me. This hurt me very much. I was sorry I had hurt him, but I began to see that, if I were his wife, he would kill my spirit and not feel bad about it at all. When he asked me to marry him again, however, he was very gentle and kind. We were alone in the sitting room, and he spoke16 to me quietly in his deep voice. “Remember, Jane, God wants us to do what is right. He asks us to work for Him, and the people who do will go to heaven. Please say you will marry me!”
I admired and respected St. John, and suddenly I almost wanted to agree. He gently held my hand, and I knew that It would not be a bad life in India. Maybe God was telling me to go, and I truly wanted to do what was right.
“All right, St. John,” I said softly17, feeling that my heart was breaking. “If God gives me a sign that He really wants me to marry you, I will agree!”
“God has answered my prayers18!” said St. John. We stood together in the house, waiting for a sign from God. It was completely19 quiet in the house, and I could almost hear my heart beating. I was almost excited.
Suddenly I heard a distant voice cry “Jane! Jane! Jane!” and nothing more! Where did it come from? It was Edward Rochester’s voice, and it was full of pain and sadness!
For a minute the whole would stood still. Then I jumped to my feet.
“Edward! I’m coming to you!” I cried. “Wait for me!”
I ran into the garden crying out, “where are you?” But there was no answer. I broke away from St. John, who was following me. He asked me many questions, but I only said, “I have received my sign from God, St. John,” I said. “I will never go to India with you.” I told him to leave me, and he obeyed. In my room, I thanked God for the sign he had sent me. Then I fell asleep, knowing what I had to do next.
收听单词发音 |
1
learned
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| adj.有学问的，博学的；learn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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teaching
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| n.教学，执教，任教，讲授；(复数)教诲 | |
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3
moor
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| n.荒野，沼泽；vt.(使)停泊；vi.停泊 | |
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scold
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| n.好责骂的人，责骂；vi.责骂，唠唠叨叨地骂；vt.怒骂 | |
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cheerfully
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| adv.高兴地，愉快地 | |
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moors
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| v.停泊，系泊（船只）( moor的第三人称单数 ) | |
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missionary
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| adj.教会的，传教(士)的；n.传教士 | |
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learning
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| n.学问，学识，学习；动词learn的现在分词 | |
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satisfy
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| v.满意；满足 | |
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10
unpleasant
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| adj.使人不愉快的，使人厌恶的，煞风景的 | |
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11
interrupted
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| adj. 中断的 动词interrupt的过去式和过去分词 | |
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12
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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13
rewarding
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| adj.令人满意的；利益的 | |
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14
disobeying
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| v.不服从，不顺从( disobey的现在分词 ) | |
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15
confusing
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| adj.混乱的，令人困惑的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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softly
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| adv.柔和地，静静地，温柔地 | |
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18
prayers
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| 祈祷( prayer的名词复数 )； 祈祷（习惯）； 祈祷文； 经文 | |
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completely
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| adv.完全地，十分地，全然 | |
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