美国国家公共电台 NPR What Not To Say To The Terminally Ill: 'Everything Happens For A Reason'

 

DAVID GREENE, HOST:

A memoir¹ written by a young mom diagnosed with incurable² stage IV cancer while her son is still a toddler - I mean, it is hard to imagine this could be funny, right?

KATE BOWLER³: I remember when I walked into the cancer center for the first time and someone was actually playing a harp⁴. And I immediately turned to my dad. I was like, oh, God, is it this bad?

GREENE: That is the voice there of Kate Bowler. She is the author of a new book that is called "Everything Happens For A Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved." She spoke⁵ to Rachel Martin.

BOWLER: Suddenly at 35, I get this stage IV cancer diagnosis⁶, and it was just like a bomb went off. And I'm thinking, oh, my gosh. Did I actually maybe expect that everything was going to work out for me? And so I wrote the book more like a theological excavation⁷ project. Like, I was just trying to get down to, like, the studs of what I really expected from my life. And I think I was a lot more sure than I realized.

RACHEL MARTIN, BYLINE⁸: Sure of what?

BOWLER: Well, maybe that I was the architect of my own life, that I could overcome anything with a little pluck and determination.

MARTIN: And prayer.

BOWLER: Oh, man, I really thought like - I mean, God, you're great. And my job is to be good. And then there's some kind of relationship between...

MARTIN: There's, like, a deal (laughter).

BOWLER: Yeah, we're making a deal, and I will be awesome⁹, but you will be awesomer (ph) and, like, somewhere in the middle...

MARTIN: And you keep me alive for as long as I want.

BOWLER: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. And that, like, I kind of pictured my life like it was this life-enhancement project. And, like, my life is like a bucket, and I'm supposed to put all the things in the bucket, and the whole purpose is to figure out how to have as many good things co-existing at the same time. And then when everything falls apart, you totally have to switch imagination. Like, maybe instead life is just vine to vine, and you're, like, grabbing onto something, and you were just hoping for dear life that it doesn't break.

MARTIN: How did that then manifest in your relationships with friends and family?

BOWLER: Well, I think maybe I realized a little too late that sometimes it's people's love for you that makes them want you to be as certain as they hope to be, you know? Like, because the diagnosis was so bad and I went from feeling like a normal person to all of a sudden, like, this spaghetti bowl of cancer, I was trying to learn how to give up really quickly, like looking at my beautiful husband and just immediately trying to say all this stuff you're supposed to say, which is just, like, I have loved you forever, and all I want for you is love. And then you're trying to learn how to give up these - like, you have these impossible thoughts, like you will live without me. And, like, please take care of our kid.

And, like, you're trying to do all that hard work, and then in the same moment, they're trying to rush in and say, like, we're going to fight this. There's all these plans. Like, they want to pour their certainty in to, like, remake the foundation, and there's this kind of almost terrible exchange where you - you're trying to remake the world as it was. But, like, it's all come apart.

MARTIN: How did you move from that moment and at the same time rewinding because you do have to do the work?

BOWLER: Yeah, that's right.

MARTIN: Like, you got to show up. You got to go to treatments.

BOWLER: Yeah. And, like, I don't think I knew how to live after certainty. And part of it is you have to learn to be present even when things are absurd.

MARTIN: Because you wrote about your diagnosis and your treatment in The New York Times, it opened you up...

BOWLER: Oh, my word.

MARTIN: ...To a whole slew¹⁰ of feedback, you can call it...

BOWLER: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

MARTIN: ...Some feedback from readers who had all kinds of things to say to you. And a lot of it - I mean, most of it - right? - came from a good place.

BOWLER: So lovely, yeah.

MARTIN: But some of it was - insensitive...

BOWLER: Yeah.

MARTIN: ...I suppose could be a word that's used. You divided the feedback into three categories - the minimizers, the teachers and the solutions people.

BOWLER: Yeah.

MARTIN: Would you mind just giving us a snapshot of each?

BOWLER: Oh, sure. Well, minimizers - they just, like - they rush in with the, well, at least you found a good hospital, at least you're on this drug, at least you're not entirely¹¹ bankrupt.

MARTIN: (Laughter).

BOWLER: Oh, man, minimizers - yeah. And then there's the teachers. And very often they've recently watched a documentary, and they have a lot to share with me about what they just learned. And, like, you find yourself immediately going into a moment where you realize that, like, you're maybe part of a multi-level marketing¹² presentation you didn't sign up for, like essential oils.

MARTIN: (Laughter).

BOWLER: So, yeah, there's always a teaching moment. And then...

MARTIN: The solutions people.

BOWLER: Right, solutions - I think they're just, like, trying to help me get back to a sense of agency. But the problem is it's usually, like, what I think of as, like, the tyranny of prescriptive joy. It's always like an emotion they want me to have or a prayer they want me to try. But, like, there's something I haven't tried and if I would just put my shoulder into it, I would finally do it. And I just want to tell them, like, every time I promise I'm trying my very best, but, like, cut me some slack.

MARTIN: Right. It is interesting because there is - there's a conversation that you have with a doctor. There are a lot of conversations you have with doctors in this book.

BOWLER: Yes, I do (laughter).

MARTIN: There's one...

(LAUGHTER)

MARTIN: ...Near the end - a pretty wise man who looks at you and says, listen, we're all going to die. Like, we're all terminal.

BOWLER: Yeah.

MARTIN: You just have more information. So I guess my question is, how have you learned to manage that information?

BOWLER: Yeah. I try really stupid stuff. Like, I got terrible news a couple months ago, which thankfully turned out to be a medical error.

MARTIN: A scan that you had or something.

BOWLER: Yeah. It was a scan, and it looked brutal¹³. But, like, I spent that week thinking, like, this is my - this is my last year for sure. And it was weird¹⁴ because the next day I turned to a friend and I said, would you like to go visit the world's largest Ukrainian sausage?

(LAUGHTER)

BOWLER: And he was like, oh, I'm in.

MARTIN: And if she's your friend, she said yes.

BOWLER: Yeah, yeah, yeah - like, absurd, delightful¹⁵, like, the real stuff.

MARTIN: There are a couple of very helpful appendices at the end of this book.

BOWLER: Oh, well, thank you.

MARTIN: First - a list of things not to say to someone with terminal cancer. And I got to say, I read this and I felt pretty good about myself. I was like, oh, yeah, I would never say that, I would never say that.

BOWLER: (Laughter) Good.

MARTIN: And then I got to number eight and realized that I have totally said this.

BOWLER: Oh, it's so tough, though.

MARTIN: This is - when you ask, you feel like you're being - you're getting right in there, right?

BOWLER: Yeah.

MARTIN: Like, I was giving myself credit for asking this question, how are the treatments going and how are you, and, like, looking deeply into someone's eyes and being like, no, I'm not like the other people in your life. Like, I really want to connect with you. Tell me how it's going.

BOWLER: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MARTIN: And this is not a good thing.

BOWLER: It's - well, as I write this is the toughest one of all...

(LAUGHTER)

BOWLER: ...I can hear you trying to understand my world and be on my side, but picture the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Got it? Now, try to put it in a sentence. Now, say it aloud 50 times a day. Does your head hurt? Do you feel sad? Me too (laughter). So let's see if I want to talk about it today because sometimes I do, and sometimes I want a hug and a recap of "American Ninja Warrior¹⁶."

MARTIN: Kate, thank you so much for talking with us.

BOWLER: What a treat.

(SOUNDBITE OF LUCHS' "REVERIE")

GREENE: That is Kate Bowler. Her book is called "Everything Happens For A Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved." She also hosts a new podcast that is called Everything Happens.

1 memoir   

n.[pl.]回忆录，自传；记事录

参考例句：

• He has just published a memoir in honour of his captain.他刚刚出了一本传记来纪念他的队长。
• In her memoir,the actress wrote about the bittersweet memories of her first love.在那个女演员的自传中，她写到了自己苦乐掺半的初恋。

2 incurable   

adj.不能医治的，不能矫正的，无救的；n.不治的病人，无救的人

参考例句：

• All three babies were born with an incurable heart condition.三个婴儿都有不可治瘉的先天性心脏病。
• He has an incurable and widespread nepotism.他们有不可救药的，到处蔓延的裙带主义。

3 bowler   

n.打保龄球的人，（板球的）投（球）手

参考例句：

• The bowler judged it well,timing the ball to perfection.投球手判断准确，对球速的掌握恰到好处。
• The captain decided to take Snow off and try a slower bowler.队长决定把斯诺撤下，换一个动作慢一点的投球手试一试。

4 harp   

n.竖琴；天琴座

参考例句：

• She swept her fingers over the strings of the harp.她用手指划过竖琴的琴弦。
• He played an Irish melody on the harp.他用竖琴演奏了一首爱尔兰曲调。

5 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

6 diagnosis   

n.诊断，诊断结果，调查分析，判断

参考例句：

• His symptoms gave no obvious pointer to a possible diagnosis.他的症状无法作出明确的诊断。
• The engineer made a complete diagnosis of the bridge's collapse.工程师对桥的倒塌做一次彻底的调查分析。

7 excavation   

n.挖掘，发掘；被挖掘之地

参考例句：

• The bad weather has hung up the work of excavation.天气不好耽误了挖掘工作。
• The excavation exposed some ancient ruins.这次挖掘暴露出一些古遗迹。

8 byline   

n.署名；v.署名

参考例句：

• His byline was absent as well.他的署名也不见了。
• We wish to thank the author of this article which carries no byline.我们要感谢这篇文章的那位没有署名的作者。

9 awesome   

adj.令人惊叹的，难得吓人的，很好的

参考例句：

• The church in Ireland has always exercised an awesome power.爱尔兰的教堂一直掌握着令人敬畏的权力。
• That new white convertible is totally awesome.那辆新的白色折篷汽车简直棒极了.

10 slew   

v.（使）旋转；n.大量，许多

参考例句：

• He slewed the car against the side of the building.他的车滑到了大楼的一侧，抵住了。
• They dealt with a slew of other issues.他们处理了大量的其他问题。

11 entirely   

ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
• His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。

12 marketing   

n.行销，在市场的买卖，买东西

参考例句：

• They are developing marketing network.他们正在发展销售网络。
• He often goes marketing.他经常去市场做生意。

13 brutal   

adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的

参考例句：

• She has to face the brutal reality.她不得不去面对冷酷的现实。
• They're brutal people behind their civilised veneer.他们表面上温文有礼，骨子里却是野蛮残忍。

14 weird   

adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的

参考例句：

• From his weird behaviour,he seems a bit of an oddity.从他不寻常的行为看来，他好像有点怪。
• His weird clothes really gas me.他的怪衣裳简直笑死人。

15 delightful   

adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的

参考例句：

• We had a delightful time by the seashore last Sunday.上星期天我们在海滨玩得真痛快。
• Peter played a delightful melody on his flute.彼得用笛子吹奏了一支欢快的曲子。

16 warrior   

n.勇士，武士，斗士

参考例句：

• The young man is a bold warrior.这个年轻人是个很英勇的武士。
• A true warrior values glory and honor above life.一个真正的勇士珍视荣誉胜过生命。