美国国家公共电台 NPR Interview: Ada Calhoun, Author Of 'Why We Can't Sleep'

 

RACHEL MARTIN, HOST:

The writer Ada Calhoun was having a midlife crisis. And she ended up talking to a lot of other Gen X women who were going through the exact same thing.

ADA CALHOUN: Being middle-aged¹ in America right now as a middle-class, American woman is different than it was for our mothers and grandmothers. And for a lot of women - not for all of them, but for a lot of them - it's incredibly hard.

MARTIN: She's written a new book called "Why We Can't Sleep: Women's New Midlife Crisis." It's not about women who are rich or poor. Her exploration is limited to the middle class. And as the generation stuck in the middle in so many ways, she says Gen X women are getting squeezed from all sides.

CALHOUN: So what I tried to do is isolate² women who grew up with, like, a reasonable expectation of success. They were raised thinking that they could have it all and do it all. The world was their oyster³. And then they kind of got to middle age, and they found that it was actually quite difficult to have, you know, even some of it. Middle-class women, they often experience shame and disappointment at middle age, that - you know, they had all these opportunities, and they should have done better.

MARTIN: Which is, in itself, a form of privilege. But nonetheless, it's something so vexing⁴ to so many women in the Gen X cohort in particular, right?

CALHOUN: Yes.

MARTIN: So explain how this is not some universal midlife crisis. You argue that this is particular. There are unique pressures on women Gen Xers who are in their 40s and early 50s.

CALHOUN: Yeah. So I think we were raised with these expectations for ourselves that were different than women in the past. So I think I'm not the only one who heard, like, you can be anything, even president. And women I interviewed told me that, like, they would want to be a nurse. And their mothers would say, no, you should be a doctor.

MARTIN: Right.

CALHOUN: There was this real emphasis on achievement, but it wasn't really coupled with a lot of support.

MARTIN: It was interesting. You also point out in the book that the boomers who you interviewed, you know, just to kind of get some context, maintain that it was they who had this idea that you can have it all. But I think you rightly point out that it was our generation, right? Like, I'm a Gen Xer. We were the ones who heard it almost from, like, utero.

CALHOUN: I think, for our generation, it was a real mandate⁵. So, you know, one boomer woman who'd been very successful who I talked to, she told me that she felt like our generation really invented stress. Like, when she got to the corner office and achieved all these things, everyone was surprised and proud of her. And she said her daughters are doing at least as well as she did, and they feel like, why haven't they done more?

MARTIN: So what is it beyond just having been inculcated with this idea? You say there are structural⁶ barriers that prevented us. What are they?

CALHOUN: Well, I think we were taught that the American dream was real and that that was something that, if we worked hard enough, we could achieve. And I think Generation X women in particular have been really good at working incredibly hard. And yet, the statistic⁷ that I heard from the Equality of Opportunity Project at Harvard said that only 1 in 4 Gen X women will out-earn her father. So there are all these numbers that I just kept coming across that really show that it's not just us. It's not just us not working hard enough, not doing enough, that actually there are these forces at work against us.

MARTIN: But isn't it also interesting and important to point out that you say only 1 in 4 women will out-earn her father, but how many are out-earning their mothers, who maybe weren't in the workforce⁸ at all?

CALHOUN: Well, that's - that is a good point. However, like, housing prices are going up. Health care costs are going up. The cost of being middle-class in America is much higher than it was. And our mothers and grandmothers could afford, often, to stay home. That's not an option for most of the middle-class Gen X women I know.

MARTIN: Can I have you tell me the anecdote⁹ about the mom and the iPad?

CALHOUN: (Laughter).

MARTIN: Because this is something a lot of people relate to. It's about how we process all the stress, right?

CALHOUN: Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes we do it better than other times. So one woman told me that she had gone through a divorce and was having a really rough time. She was working multiple jobs trying to make ends meet. And she decides, OK, I'm going to take the kids on a vacation. We're going to have just a couple days. We're going to go to the country. It's going to be great. So she gets home from her job. It's, like, 9 or 10 at night. She's packing up, and she tells her kid, you know, put down the iPad. I need your help packing. And he ignores her. And she says, you know, I'm going to break that iPad if you don't put it down. And then she's asked three times. He hasn't moved. She gets a hammer. She destroys the iPad in front of him. (Laughter) So, of course, I laughed when I heard the story...

MARTIN: Right...

CALHOUN: (Laughter).

MARTIN: ...Because all of us are like, yeah. You go girl.

CALHOUN: Well, I mean, how many of us have threatened similar things and never really done it? And she actually did it.

MARTIN: Right. (Laughter) She followed through.

CALHOUN: She said it didn't feel as good as you'd think it would feel. She really felt like she'd lost - she'd lost it. And she thought, like, just standing¹⁰ over the wreckage¹¹ - she said, like, I need to get some therapy right now.

MARTIN: Right, which also made me wonder - I mean, we laugh about it, and say, oh, yeah. I wish I could do that. But there's a lot of judgment¹² from other parents, from other women. Is there not?

CALHOUN: Yeah, there definitely is. I think that there's - I mean, the pressure on women now to not only be great at work and, you know, great at home and - but also just, like, to be really exceptionally thoughtful and patient parents - it does feel like it's really high right now.

MARTIN: So, I mean, it's hard just to write a book where you marinate in the sad, right?

(LAUGHTER)

MARTIN: Like, even if we're - we come away from it thinking, oh, OK. It's not just me. You can infer from the book that you felt the need to give some kind of prescriptions¹³ - right? - how to kind of mitigate¹⁴ the stress at least or at least share your own personal experience. How have you been able to sort of compartmentalize those pressures?

CALHOUN: The main thing was reframing it, reframing, like, what I'd been through in my life and what it meant and what I had to look forward to. And I just found it really helpful to know that this is a set period of time, that these years - middle age - have been rough, especially for women, for many, many generations and that it's hard for us, but it's going to be over at some point. So that was part of it. And also just, the expectations that we had were not, maybe, reasonable. Maybe we should have different expectations for ourselves.

MARTIN: And reframing how you derive¹⁵ your own personal value, right?

CALHOUN: Yeah.

MARTIN: Like, it doesn't necessarily have to come from a certain level of professional ambition or even professional success. It could be just how you navigate¹⁶ your own life.

CALHOUN: It could. Or it could be professional. But I think one thing that a sociologist¹⁷ who studies the generations told me is that our generation tends to judge ourselves based on everything. So if, you know, in the past the question was, how nice is your home? Or how good are you at your job? Now it's like, it's all of the things. So it's - are you a good parent? Are you good at work? Are you - you know, is your house nice? Are you in shape? Are you recycling? Like, it's every single factor in life you have to excel at. And I think that level of pressure is unsustainable.

MARTIN: Ada Calhoun, her new book is called "Why We Can't Sleep: Women's New Midlife Crisis." Ada, it was so fun to talk with you. Thank you.

CALHOUN: Great to talk to you. Thank you so much.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAURA VEIRS'S "SONG MY FRIENDS TAUGHT ME (INSTRUMENTAL)")

1 middle-aged   

adj.中年的

参考例句：

• I noticed two middle-aged passengers.我注意到两个中年乘客。
• The new skin balm was welcome by middle-aged women.这种新护肤香膏受到了中年妇女的欢迎。

2 isolate   

vt.使孤立，隔离

参考例句：

• Do not isolate yourself from others.不要把自己孤立起来。
• We should never isolate ourselves from the masses.我们永远不能脱离群众。

3 oyster   

n.牡蛎；沉默寡言的人

参考例句：

• I enjoy eating oyster; it's really delicious.我喜欢吃牡蛎，它味道真美。
• I find I fairly like eating when he finally persuades me to taste the oyster.当他最后说服我尝尝牡蛎时，我发现我相当喜欢吃。

4 vexing   

adj.使人烦恼的，使人恼火的v.使烦恼( vex的现在分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论

参考例句：

• It is vexing to have to wait a long time for him. 长时间地等他真使人厌烦。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
• Lately a vexing problem had grown infuriatingly worse. 最近发生了一个讨厌的问题，而且严重到令人发指的地步。 来自辞典例句

5 mandate   

n.托管地；命令，指示

参考例句：

• The President had a clear mandate to end the war.总统得到明确的授权结束那场战争。
• The General Election gave him no such mandate.大选并未授予他这种权力。

6 structural   

adj.构造的，组织的，建筑（用）的

参考例句：

• The storm caused no structural damage.风暴没有造成建筑结构方面的破坏。
• The North American continent is made up of three great structural entities.北美大陆是由三个构造单元组成的。

7 statistic   

n.统计量；adj.统计的，统计学的

参考例句：

• Official statistics show real wages declining by 24%.官方统计数字表明实际工资下降了24%。
• There are no reliable statistics for the number of deaths in the battle.关于阵亡人数没有可靠的统计数字。

8 workforce   

n.劳动大军，劳动力

参考例句：

• A large part of the workforce is employed in agriculture.劳动人口中一大部分受雇于农业。
• A quarter of the local workforce is unemployed.本地劳动力中有四分之一失业。

9 anecdote   

n.轶事，趣闻，短故事

参考例句：

• He departed from the text to tell an anecdote.他偏离课文讲起了一则轶事。
• It had never been more than a family anecdote.那不过是个家庭趣谈罢了。

10 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

11 wreckage   

n.（失事飞机等的）残骸，破坏，毁坏

参考例句：

• They hauled him clear of the wreckage.他们把他从形骸中拖出来。
• New states were born out of the wreckage of old colonial empires.新生国家从老殖民帝国的废墟中诞生。

12 judgment   

n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见

参考例句：

• The chairman flatters himself on his judgment of people.主席自认为他审视人比别人高明。
• He's a man of excellent judgment.他眼力过人。

13 prescriptions   

药( prescription的名词复数 )； 处方； 开处方； 计划

参考例句：

• The hospital of traditional Chinese medicine installed a computer to fill prescriptions. 中医医院装上了电子计算机来抓药。
• Her main job was filling the doctor's prescriptions. 她的主要工作就是给大夫开的药方配药。

14 mitigate   

vt.（使）减轻，（使）缓和

参考例句：

• The government is trying to mitigate the effects of inflation.政府正试图缓和通货膨胀的影响。
• Governments should endeavour to mitigate distress.政府应努力缓解贫困问题。

15 derive   

v.取得；导出；引申；来自；源自；出自

参考例句：

• We derive our sustenance from the land.我们从土地获取食物。
• We shall derive much benefit from reading good novels.我们将从优秀小说中获得很大好处。

16 navigate   

v.航行，飞行；导航，领航

参考例句：

• He was the first man to navigate the Atlantic by air.他是第一个飞越大西洋的人。
• Such boats can navigate on the Nile.这种船可以在尼罗河上航行。

17 sociologist   

n.研究社会学的人，社会学家

参考例句：

• His mother was a sociologist,researching socialism.他的母亲是个社会学家，研究社会主义。
• Max Weber is a great and outstanding sociologist.马克斯·韦伯是一位伟大的、杰出的社会学家。