西部落：与前男友(夫)相处的礼节

Etiquette¹ with your Ex, we went to the streets of New York and we asked women about situations in which they might need help when it comes to dealing² with a former love.

Ginny from New Jersey³ wanted to know whether it's better to tell or not to tell on an ex.

My friend is dating my ex. I know something about my ex that she really should know. Do I tell her or do I let it go?

Whoop⁴, well here to help us is Janet Taylor, a clinical instructor⁵ of psychiatry⁶ at Columbia University Harlem Hospital. And she sits on the advisory⁷ board of Family Circle and she's here with tips on ex etiquette 101.

Janet Taylor, good morning.

Thank you, good morning. Hannah.

What do you think about the question from that last woman? She knows something, should she tell her friend about her ex?

Well, it's a great question. Simple answer--let it go.

Really, why?

Because she doesn't wanna. . . you don't wanna be in the middle. One of the benefits of having an ex is that you have your own freedom to determine yourself and take control. You put yourself in the middle, if you're, if it’s your friend, she is gonna come back and ask you. You need to be prepared to tell the truth. But you don't wanna be the one who is micro-managing your ex-husband in the situation/, it's your time.

Yeah, that sounds awful. That sounds like a very dangerous territory as well.

Very dangerous territory.

Em, something that people have a lot of problems with an ex. Together they have one set of friends. When they split up, what happen? So let's take a look at another question, Ok?

OK.

How are we going to deal with mutual-friends in a social situation?

Wow, what advice to give people about that?

Well, the dynamics⁸ is changed, so the relationship is changed, but your friends don't necessarily have to. A lot of times, friends don't know what to say, who do I invite, do I invite her, do I invite him? Test the waters, if they're really your friends, you'll know and they will be there for you. If not, then maybe you just have to re-engage new friends or find people who support you.

It's not only friends that can be an issue, but also family members and one Family Circle reader writes in this question. " I love my in-laws. I divorced their son, not them. And they're still my kids' grandparents. What's the best way to maintain my relationship with them? A lot of people have a problem with that.

Exactly, embrace your in-laws, a lot of times grandparents are the only ones at difficult times to show unconditional⁹ love. Your kids need that, you need that. Older individuals, a lot of times have wisdom that you could take in. But the fact is just because you divorce their son; your kids still need them and your family.

You know, sometimes there is a temptation, even though it's their son, to still ask your in-laws to take your side. And that's something that you really shouldn't do, right?

Well, it's hard to say shouldn't, it's natural. I mean most divorces aren't necessarily pleasant. And so the sense is you take a side or another, but as adults, and thinking about what's best for yourself and your children. The cleaner you can be, and understanding that everyone needs support, it's better.

Yes, so don't put your in-laws in a bad situation.

I would try not to.

Yeah, you know sometimes a lot of people have joint¹⁰ custody¹¹. They are dealing with two different households. And we had a question from Amy from Missouri about her and her ex who have different parenting styles.

My ex and I have different parenting styles, so our children are getting mixed messages when they stay at each home. So what can we do to compromise for them?

This is a tough one because people discipline differently, and it can be very confusing for the kids. So what should you do?

Don't confuse parenting styles with parenting rules. Obviously, you are gonna have a different style, you're different individuals. The key is to decide, to communicate and decide on some parenting enforceable rules, maybe one or two, then you can agree upon. And then focus on that.

So are these practical things like this "the kids are gonna go to bed at this time" or something like that?

Again enforceable rules, bed time, who's gonna clean up after dinner. You know some issues that can be decided¹² beforehand that can help with consistency¹³ in both households.

Right, coz those kids need that stability,don't they? As much as they can living in two different households.

Absolutely.

Emm. . . thank you so much. Really appreciate your answering these questions.

You're welcome

1 etiquette   

n.礼仪，礼节；规矩

参考例句：

• The rules of etiquette are not so strict nowadays.如今的礼仪规则已不那么严格了。
• According to etiquette,you should stand up to meet a guest.按照礼节你应该站起来接待客人。

2 dealing   

n.经商方法，待人态度

参考例句：

• This store has an excellent reputation for fair dealing.该商店因买卖公道而享有极高的声誉。
• His fair dealing earned our confidence.他的诚实的行为获得我们的信任。

3 jersey   

n.运动衫

参考例句：

• He wears a cotton jersey when he plays football.他穿运动衫踢足球。
• They were dressed alike in blue jersey and knickers.他们穿着一致，都是蓝色的运动衫和灯笼短裤。

4 whoop   

n.大叫，呐喊，喘息声；v.叫喊，喘息

参考例句：

• He gave a whoop of joy when he saw his new bicycle.他看到自己的新自行车时，高兴得叫了起来。
• Everybody is planning to whoop it up this weekend.大家都打算在这个周末好好欢闹一番。

5 instructor   

n.指导者，教员，教练

参考例句：

• The college jumped him from instructor to full professor.大学突然把他从讲师提升为正教授。
• The skiing instructor was a tall,sunburnt man.滑雪教练是一个高高个子晒得黑黑的男子。

6 psychiatry   

n.精神病学，精神病疗法

参考例句：

• The study appeared in the Amercian science Journal of Psychiatry.这个研究发表在美国精神病学的杂志上。
• A physician is someone who specializes in psychiatry.精神病专家是专门从事精神病治疗的人。

7 advisory   

adj.劝告的，忠告的，顾问的，提供咨询

参考例句：

• I have worked in an advisory capacity with many hospitals.我曾在多家医院做过顾问工作。
• He was appointed to the advisory committee last month.他上个月获任命为顾问委员会委员。

8 dynamics   

n.力学，动力学，动力，原动力；动态

参考例句：

• In order to succeed,you must master complicated knowledge of dynamics.要取得胜利，你必须掌握很复杂的动力学知识。
• Dynamics is a discipline that cannot be mastered without extensive practice.动力学是一门不做大量习题就不能掌握的学科。

9 unconditional   

adj.无条件的，无限制的，绝对的

参考例句：

• The victorious army demanded unconditional surrender.胜方要求敌人无条件投降。
• My love for all my children is unconditional.我对自己所有孩子的爱都是无条件的。

10 joint   

adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合

参考例句：

• I had a bad fall,which put my shoulder out of joint.我重重地摔了一跤，肩膀脫臼了。
• We wrote a letter in joint names.我们联名写了封信。

11 custody   

n.监护，照看，羁押，拘留

参考例句：

• He spent a week in custody on remand awaiting sentence.等候判决期间他被还押候审一个星期。
• He was taken into custody immediately after the robbery.抢劫案发生后，他立即被押了起来。

12 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

13 consistency   

n.一贯性，前后一致，稳定性；(液体的)浓度

参考例句：

• Your behaviour lacks consistency.你的行为缺乏一贯性。
• We appreciate the consistency and stability in China and in Chinese politics.我们赞赏中国及其政策的连续性和稳定性。