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Twenty-three Life in Heaven
[00:04.60]A 75-year-old couple,after being married for almost 50 years,
[00:11.86]died in a car crash.
[00:15.70]They had been in good health the last ten years,
[00:20.38]mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
[00:26.54]After they were in heaven,an angel took them to their mansion1.
[00:32.60]As they looked around,
[00:35.76]the old man asked the angel how much all this was going to cost.
[00:42.74]"It's free."the angel replied,"this is heaven."
[00:48.20]Next,they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course.
[00:56.06]They would have golfing privileges very day.
[01:01.02]The old man asked,"What are the green fees?"The angel replied,
[01:08.39]'This is heaven;you play for free."
[01:13.14]Next,they went to the club house
[01:17.11]and saw the lavish2 buffet3 lunch with all kinds of inviting4 dishes laid out.
[01:24.85]"How much to eat?"asked the old man.
[01:30.12]"Don't you understand?"This is heaven;it is free!"the angel replied.
[01:37.78]"Well,where are the low fat and low cholesterol5 tables?"the old man asked timidly.
[01:47.13]The angel lectured,"That's the best part
[01:53.61]-you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like,
[01:59.17]and you never get fat and you never get sick.This is heaven."
[02:05.94]With that,the old man went into a fit of anger,
[02:11.11]throwing down his hat and stomping6 on it,and screaming wildly.
[02:18.06]The angel and his wife both tried to calm him down,asking him what was wrong.
[02:25.63]The old man looked at his wife and said,
[02:30.78]"This is all your fault!If it weren't for your health food,
[02:36.97]I could have been here ten years ago!"
[02:41.23]Twenty-four Hospital Bill
[02:47.68]A man was brought to a Mercy Hospital,and taken quickly in for a heart surgery.
[02:56.64]The operation went wel and,as the man regained7 consciousness,
[03:02.80]he was reassured8 by a nun9,who was waiting by his bed.
[03:08.47]"Mr.Smith,you're going to be just fine,"said the unu,gently patting his hand.
[03:16.34]"We do need to know,however,how you intend to pay for your stay here.
[03:22.19]Are you covered by insurance?" "No,I'm not,"the man whispered hoarsely10.
[03:29.84]"Can you pay in cash?"persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot,Sister."
[03:36.61]"Well,do you have any close relatives?"the nun asked.
[03:42.56]"Just my sister in New Mexico,"he answered."But she's a humble11 spinster nun."
[03:49.93]"Oh,I must correct you,Mr.Smith.Nuns12 are not'spinters;they are married to God."
[03:57.58]"Wonderful,"said Smith."In that case,please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
[04:04.24]Twenty-five World War II
[04:09.29]The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest
[04:16.26]and asked if the priest would hear his confession13.
[04:21.12]"Of course,my son,"said the priest.
[04:25.98]"Well,Father,at the beginning of World War Two,a beautiful woman knocked on my door
[04:35.54]and asked me to hide her from the Germans;
[04:40.27]I hid her in my attic14,and they never found her."
[04:45.70]"That's a wonderful thing,my son,
[04:50.53]and nothing that you need to confess,"said the priest.
[04:55.58]"It's worse,Father,I was weak,
[05:01.74]and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,"
[05:11.09]continued the old man.
[05:14.85]"Well,it was a very difficult time,and you took a large risk
[05:22.72]-you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans
[05:28.88]had found you hiding her;
[05:32.54]I know the God,in his wisdom and mercy,will balance the good and the evil,
[05:40.48]and judge you kindly,"said the priest."Thanks,Father,"said the old man.
[05:48.24]"That's a load off my mind.Can I ask another question?"
[05:54.48]"Of course,my son,'said the priest.
[05:58.95]The old man asked,"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
[06:06.00]Twenty-six Optical Illusion
[06:10.47]A man and his wife have been stranded15 on a deserted16 island for many years.
[06:17.13]The morning following a bad storm,a new guy is washed up on the shore.
[06:23.37]The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away,
[06:29.12]but they realize that certain proctocols will have to be observed.
[06:35.15]The husband is just glad to have someone new to talk to.
[06:40.20]"This is wondeful!Now we'll be able to have three people doing
[06:45.76]8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
[06:52.53]The new man is so happy to help,and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
[06:59.29]He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch,
[07:04.33]scanning the ocean horizon for any ships.
[07:08.88]Soon the husband and wife start placing stones
[07:14.55]in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.
[07:19.51]The new man yells down:"He,no kissing!"They look at each other and yell back:
[07:26.96]"We're not kissing!"A few minutes later,
[07:31.92]they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
[07:37.09]Again the new man yell down:
[07:40.93]"Heeey,no kissing!"Again they yell back: "We're not kissing!"
[07:47.91]Later they are puting plam leaves on the roof of the shack17 to patch leaks.
[07:55.17]Once again the new man yells down from high above:
[08:00.91]"Hey,I said no kissing!!"They yell back:"And we said we're not kissing!!"
[08:07.89]Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower
[08:14.45]and the husband starts to climb up.
[08:18.21]By the time he gets halfway18 up,
[08:21.76]his wife and the new man are already kissing their brains out.
[08:27.82]Once at the top,the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
[08:34.35]"From up here it DOES look like they're kissing."
[08:38.79]Twenty-seven A Scary Incident
[08:43.34]One night at about 3 a.m. my wife was getting up from the toilet
[08:49.82]to return to bed when she head a little noise.
[08:55.69]It was a suspiciously rodent-like sound that seemed to be right the bathroom with her.
[09:04.16]She of course froze and listen attentively19 for any further sign of invaders20.
[09:12.62]After a moment,satisfied that she was alone,she took a step for the door.
[09:20.07]Rodent scratchy sounds again!She froze,not breathing.Silence.
[09:30.33]Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to leave the bathroom.
[09:36.29]This time the noise was accompanied by something touching21 the back of her leg!
[09:44.23]That was,of course,too much to bear.She literally22 flew the 8 feet to the bed,
[09:53.01]clearing the foot board by a coulple of feet,to land screaming by my side.
[10:00.27]This is not a pleasant way to wake up.
[10:04.71]Now scared half to death myself,I managed to get the light on.
[10:10.95]The culprit was right there in plain sight,
[10:15.63]a trail of toiet paper neatly23 marked the path from bed to bath.
[10:22.29]Twenty-eight Bribery24
[10:26.81]During the wedding rehearsal,the groom25 approached the prisest with an unusual offer.
[10:33.65]"Look,I'll give you $200 if you'll change the wedding vows26.
[10:40.42]When you get to the part where I'm to promise to'love,honor and obey'and,
[10:47.08]forsaking all others,be faithful to her forever,'
[10:52.54]I'd appreciate it if you'd just that part our."
[10:58.00]He passed the minister$200 and walked away satisfied.
[11:04.37]It was now the day of the wedding,and the bride and groom
[11:10.12]moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows were exchanged.
[11:15.89]When it was time for the groom's vows,
[11:17.93]the priest looked the young man in the eyes and said:
[11:22.37]"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish,
[11:27.44]serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life,
[11:32.30]and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife
[11:37.86]that you will not even look at another woman,as long as you both shall live?"
[11:44.52]The groom gulped27 and looked around,and said in a tiny voice,"Yes."
[11:51.18]The groom leaned toward the priest and hissed,"I thought we had a deal."
[11:57.84]The priest whispered back,"She made me a much better offer."
收听单词发音 |
1
mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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lavish
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| adj.无节制的；浪费的；vt.慷慨地给予，挥霍 | |
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buffet
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| n.自助餐；饮食柜台；餐台 | |
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inviting
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| adj.诱人的，引人注目的 | |
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cholesterol
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| n.（U）胆固醇 | |
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stomping
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| v.跺脚，践踏，重踏( stomp的现在分词 ) | |
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7
regained
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| 复得( regain的过去式和过去分词 )； 赢回； 重回； 复至某地 | |
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reassured
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| adj.使消除疑虑的；使放心的v.再保证，恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词) | |
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nun
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| n.修女，尼姑 | |
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hoarsely
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| adv.嘶哑地 | |
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11
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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nuns
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| n.（通常指基督教的）修女， （佛教的）尼姑( nun的名词复数 ) | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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attic
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| n.顶楼，屋顶室 | |
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stranded
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| a.搁浅的，进退两难的 | |
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deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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17
shack
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| adj.简陋的小屋，窝棚 | |
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halfway
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| adj.中途的，不彻底的，部分的；adv.半路地，在中途，在半途 | |
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attentively
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| adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神 | |
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invaders
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| 入侵者，侵略者，侵入物( invader的名词复数 ) | |
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21
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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23
neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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24
bribery
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| n.贿络行为，行贿，受贿 | |
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25
groom
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| vt.给（马、狗等）梳毛，照料，使...整洁 | |
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26
vows
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| 誓言( vow的名词复数 )； 郑重宣布，许愿 | |
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gulped
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| v.狼吞虎咽地吃，吞咽( gulp的过去式和过去分词 )；大口地吸（气）；哽住 | |
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