【英语语言学习】如何处理垃圾邮件

A few years ago, I got one of those spam emails. And it managed to get through my spam filter. I'm not quite sure how, but it turned up in my inbox, and it was from a guy called Solomon Odonkoh.

I know.

It went like this: it said, "Hello James Veitch, I have an interesting business proposal I want to share with you, Solomon." Now, my hand was kind of hovering¹ on the delete button, right? I was looking at my phone. I thought, I could just delete this. Or I could do what I think we've all always wanted to do.

And I said, "Solomon, Your email intrigues² me."

And the game was afoot.

He said, "Dear James Veitch, We shall be shipping³ Gold to you."

"You will earn 10% of any gold you distributes."

So I knew I was dealing⁴ with a professional.

I said, "How much is it worth?"

He said, "We will start with smaller quantity," -- I was like, aww -- and then he said, "of 25 kgs.

The worth should be about $2.5 million."

I said, "Solomon, if we're going to do it, let's go big.

I can handle it. How much gold do you have?"

He said, "It is not a matter of how much gold I have, what matters is your capability⁵ of handling. We can start with 50 kgs as trial shipment."

I said, "50 kgs? There's no point doing this at all unless you're shipping at least a metric ton."

He said, "What do you do for a living?"

I said, "I'm a hedge fund executive bank manager."

This isn't the first time I've shipped bullion⁶, my friend, no no no.

Then I started to panic. I was like, "Look, where are you based?" I don't know about you, but I think if we're going via the postal⁷ service, it ought to be signed for. That's a lot of gold."

He said, "It will not be easy to convince my company to do larger quantity shipment."

I said, "Solomon, I'm completely with you on this one. I'm putting together a visual for you to take into the board meeting. Hold tight."

This is what I sent Solomon.

 

I don't know if we have any statisticians in the house, but there's definitely something going on.

I said, "Solomon, attached to this email you'll find a helpful chart. I've had one of my assistants run the numbers.

We're ready for shipping as much gold as possible."

There's always a moment where they try to tug⁸ your heartstrings, and this was it for Solomon. He said, "I will be so much happy if the deal goes well, because I'm going to get a very good commission as well." And I said, "That's amazing, What are you going to spend your cut on?" And he said, "On Real Estate, what about you?"

I thought about it for a long time. And I said, "One word; Hummus."

"It's going places.

I was in Sainsbury's the other day and there were like 30 different varieties. Also you can cut up carrots, and you can dip them. Have you ever done that, Solomon?"

He said, "I have to go bed now."

"Till morrow. Have sweet dream."

I didn't know what to say! I said, "Bonsoir my golden nugget, bonsoir."

Guys, you have to understand, this had been going for, like, weeks, albeit⁹ hitherto the greatest weeks of my life, but I had to knock it on the head. It was getting a bit out of hand. Friends were saying, "James, do you want to come for a drink?" I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting an email about some gold."

So I figured I had to knock it on the head. I had to take it to a ridiculous conclusion. So I concocted¹⁰ a plan. I said, "Solomon, I'm concerned about security. When we email each other, we need to use a code." And he agreed.

I said, "Solomon, I spent all night coming up with this code we need to use in all further correspondence:

Lawyer = Gummy Bear.

Bank = Cream Egg.

Legal = Fizzy Cola Bottle.

Claim = Peanut M&Ms.

Documents = Jelly Beans.

Western Union = A Giant Gummy Lizard¹¹."

I knew these were all words they use, right? I said, "Please call me Kitkat in all further correspondence."

I didn't hear back. I thought, I've gone too far. I've gone too far. So I had to backpedal a little. I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on? KitKat."

Because you have to be consistent. Then I did get an email back from him. He said, "The Business is on and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."

I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!" What followed is the greatest email I've ever received.

I'm not joking, this is what turned up in my inbox. This was a good day.

 

And that was so much fun, right, that it got me thinking: like, what would happen if I just spent as much time as could replying to as many scam emails as I could? And that's what I've been doing for three years on your behalf. Crazy stuff happens when you start replying to scam emails. It's really difficult, and I highly recommend we do it. I don't think what I'm doing is mean. Right? There are a lot of people who do mean things to scammers. All I'm doing is wasting their time. And I think any time they're spending with me is time they're not spending scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings¹², right?

And if you're going to do this -- and I highly recommend you do -- get yourself a pseudonymous email address. Don't use your own email address. That's what I was doing at the start and it was a nightmare. I'd wake up in the morning and have a thousand emails about penis enlargements, only one of which was a legitimate¹³ response --

to a medical question I had.

But I'll tell you what, though, guys, I'll tell you what: any day is a good day, any day is a good day if you receive an email that begins like this:

"I AM WINNIE MANDELA, THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT." I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.

I know so many.

"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS OUT OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."

Let that sink in. She sent me this, which is hysterical¹⁴.

And this. And this looks fairly legitimate, this is a letter of authorization¹⁵. But to be honest, if there's nothing written on it, it's just a shape!

I said, "Winnie, I'm really sorry to hear of this. Given that Nelson died three months ago, I'd describe his health condition as ...."

"... the worst health condition you can have, not being alive.

She said, "KINDLY¹⁶ COMPLY WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS. ONE LOVE."

I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."

She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."

I said, "no problemo.

I SHOT THE SHERIFF."

[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]

Thank you.

1 hovering   

鸟( hover的现在分词 )； 靠近（某事物）； （人）徘徊； 犹豫

参考例句：

• The helicopter was hovering about 100 metres above the pad. 直升机在离发射台一百米的上空盘旋。
• I'm hovering between the concert and the play tonight. 我犹豫不决今晚是听音乐会还是看戏。

2 intrigues   

n.密谋策划( intrigue的名词复数 )；神秘气氛；引人入胜的复杂情节v.搞阴谋诡计( intrigue的第三人称单数 )；激起…的好奇心

参考例句：

• He was made king as a result of various intrigues. 由于搞了各种各样的阴谋，他当上了国王。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• Those who go in for intrigues and conspiracy are doomed to failure. 搞阴谋诡计的人注定要失败。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

3 shipping   

n.船运（发货，运输，乘船）

参考例句：

• We struck a bargain with an American shipping firm.我们和一家美国船运公司谈成了一笔生意。
• There's a shipping charge of ￡5 added to the price.价格之外另加五英镑运输费。

4 dealing   

n.经商方法，待人态度

参考例句：

• This store has an excellent reputation for fair dealing.该商店因买卖公道而享有极高的声誉。
• His fair dealing earned our confidence.他的诚实的行为获得我们的信任。

5 capability   

n.能力；才能；(pl)可发展的能力或特性等

参考例句：

• She has the capability to become a very fine actress.她有潜力成为杰出演员。
• Organizing a whole department is beyond his capability.组织整个部门是他能力以外的事。

6 bullion   

n.金条，银条

参考例句：

• In the London bullion market yesterday,the price of gold was steady.昨天伦敦金银市场黄金价格稳定。
• Police have launched a man-hunt for the bullion robbers.警方已大举搜捕抢劫金条的罪犯。

7 postal   

adj.邮政的，邮局的

参考例句：

• A postal network now covers the whole country.邮路遍及全国。
• Remember to use postal code.勿忘使用邮政编码。

8 tug   

v.用力拖(或拉)；苦干；n.拖；苦干；拖船

参考例句：

• We need to tug the car round to the front.我们需要把那辆车拉到前面。
• The tug is towing three barges.那只拖船正拖着三只驳船。

9 albeit   

conj.即使；纵使；虽然

参考例句：

• Albeit fictional,she seemed to have resolved the problem.虽然是虚构的，但是在她看来好象是解决了问题。
• Albeit he has failed twice,he is not discouraged.虽然失败了两次，但他并没有气馁。

10 concocted   

v.将（尤指通常不相配合的）成分混合成某物( concoct的过去式和过去分词 )；调制；编造；捏造

参考例句：

• The soup was concocted from up to a dozen different kinds of fish. 这种汤是用多达十几种不同的鱼熬制而成的。
• Between them they concocted a letter. 他们共同策划写了一封信。 来自《简明英汉词典》

11 lizard   

n.蜥蜴，壁虎

参考例句：

• A chameleon is a kind of lizard.变色龙是一种蜥蜴。
• The lizard darted out its tongue at the insect.蜥蜴伸出舌头去吃小昆虫。

12 savings   

n.存款，储蓄

参考例句：

• I can't afford the vacation,for it would eat up my savings.我度不起假，那样会把我的积蓄用光的。
• By this time he had used up all his savings.到这时，他的存款已全部用完。

13 legitimate   

adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法

参考例句：

• Sickness is a legitimate reason for asking for leave.生病是请假的一个正当的理由。
• That's a perfectly legitimate fear.怀有这种恐惧完全在情理之中。

14 hysterical   

adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的

参考例句：

• He is hysterical at the sight of the photo.他一看到那张照片就异常激动。
• His hysterical laughter made everybody stunned.他那歇斯底里的笑声使所有的人不知所措。

15 authorization   

n.授权，委任状

参考例句：

• Anglers are required to obtain prior authorization from the park keeper.垂钓者必须事先得到公园管理者的许可。
• You cannot take a day off without authorization.未经批准你不得休假。

16 kindly   

adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地

参考例句：

• Her neighbours spoke of her as kindly and hospitable.她的邻居都说她和蔼可亲、热情好客。
• A shadow passed over the kindly face of the old woman.一道阴影掠过老太太慈祥的面孔。