Trick or Treat

 I love Halloween. I'm thirty-one, but I still love it. I mean, who doesn't love candy?

　　I still live at home. I don't mind it, except for the dinner table. I said to my parents, "I've been sitting in the same seat my whole life. Let me sit at the head of the table." And my mom said, "The table's round. There's no head of the table." I got mad, because dad's seat is the head of the table, even if the table's round. But I didn't say a thing.

　　None of my friends go trick-or-treating anymore. They stopped going about fifteen years ago. I didn't. I said, "Do you still celebrate Thanksgiving? Christmas? Birthdays? So, why not Halloween?" Actually, I don't have many friends; I said this to them when I was growing up.

　　Halloween's a big deal for me. Around the first of the year, I start thinking about my costume. I write down ten or twenty ideas and then, over the summer, I narrow down the list. By September, I've got a pretty good notion of what I'm gonna wear. I do all this planning because when I was seven, I almost didn't have a costume. I couldn't think of what to wear, and all of sudden it was October 31st, and I didn't have a clue. My dad gave me some of his old clothes, and said, "If anyone asks, tell them you're dressed as a parent." So I did. I went as a parent, and it sucked.

　　I don't have a job. When I was young, I killed my third grade teacher. I didn't mean it. I got in an argument and I hit her in the chest twice, and she went into shock and died. She had had a heart condition, which I didn't know about. They sent me to a different school, where you learn things a lot slower.

　　Tonight, I'm dressed as Dracula. I got the cape¹, the fangs², the white makeup³, and the fake blood dripping down my mouth. I think I look pretty good. I guess it's a little weird⁴ walking around the neighborhood. My parents ask me to stay home and help them hand out the candy, but I say no.

　　I leave right when it gets dark. My first stop is across the street.

　　"Hi, Mrs. Ryder," I say. "Trick or treat."

　　"Oh, hi, Davey. David, I mean." She drops some Milky⁵ Ways into my pillow case.

　　"How's Johnny?" I say.

　　"Oh, he's fine. Married, still. He just…he just bought a house." She's turned sideways, sort of behind the door, like she's holding back a dog, but I don't think she's got a dog.

　　"Tell Johnny I say hi," I say.

　　"I sure will," she says.

　　"Do you like my costume?" I say. I raise my arms, so the cape stretches out behind me. Then I bare my fangs and hiss⁶. She gets all scared and closes the door. It's a real good costume.

　　I walk to a bunch of houses and then I get in my dad's car and drive. I've been doing this the last few Halloweens; I drive for an hour and stop in some random⁷ town and go trick-or-treating. I always wash the car on the morning before, because I like when it's all clean and vacuumed inside. Sometimes the car gets egged, and I get mad, but the kids run away too fast.

　　I picked a good neighborhood; every house has lights. I walk up to one and knock. A woman answers, and she's real small.

　　"Trick or treat," I say.

　　"Hello," she says. She looks behind me, at the car, and then she says, "Where's your kid?"

　　"What kid, ma'am?" I say. And I know she's gonna say something like, 'You're a little old to be trick-or-treating, aren't you?' So I just say, "trick or treat," and I stretch out my cape and hiss.

　　She closes the door, and I figure it's just a big misunderstanding, so I ring the bell, but nothing happens. No footsteps, nothing. So I ring it again, and then the outside lights go off, and I'm kind of angry because I've walked all the way up the driveway. I bang on the door. Finally, a man answers. He's a few years older than me, but I'm bigger. He's got glasses, and I don't like him.

　　"What the fuck do you want?" he says, all angry.

　　"Trick or treat," I say.

　　"Get the fuck off my property," he says, pointing, and now I'm thinking about that teacher I hit. He shuts the door, and that's probably a good thing, because my fists are all clenched⁸.

　　I used to go to a shrink. She said that whenever I get mad, I should stop for a second and say all the words that come from 'anger.' She said this would temper my aggression⁹. So I say them. 'Range, rang, age, rag, nag¹⁰, ran, earn, gear, near, ear, era, are, an.' 'Rage' is in there, too, but she told me not say that one. "Let's take the rage out of anger," she'd say.

　　I say the words real fast. I know them by heart, because this happens a lot. I'm still thinking about how I'd like to stick this guy's head under a paper cutter, so I say them again. Then I say, "Fuck you, you motherfucker," and I kick the pumpkin¹¹ off the stoop. I get in the car and drive away.

　　I circle the block a few times. My shrink tells me to avoid violence. She also tells me not to run away from my problems. This confuses me, because most of my problems deal with violence. I figure she's giving me a riddle¹², but I can't figure it out.

　　I park a few houses away. I want to talk to the guy. But when he opens the door, I just get angry and punch him right in the face. He stumbles back and I hit him again, and he falls on the floor. His lip is split, and he's got blood running down his mouth, just like me. I see the Snickers on the counter and I throw a few into my pillow case. The woman starts screaming. My hand hurts. I tell her if she calls the cops, I'll kill her. Then I run to the car and drive fast. The street's near the highway, so I'm okay.

　　When I get home, I count up my candy. It's the worst Halloween I've ever had, worse than when I was seven. My mom comes in and looks at me, and I can see that she's upset about the candy on the floor, so I tell her that I'll pick it up. "Where did you go?" she says, and I say I went west a bit. She says, "Don't forget to change out of your costume," and I tell her I won't. "You shouldn't wear that stuff to bed," she says, and I say, "I know."

　　She leaves, and I walk into the bathroom and wash my face. I curl the cape around me. Next year, I think I'll be a ghost

1 cape   

n.海角，岬；披肩，短披风

参考例句：

• I long for a trip to the Cape of Good Hope.我渴望到好望角去旅行。
• She was wearing a cape over her dress.她在外套上披着一件披肩。

2 fangs   

n.（尤指狗和狼的）长而尖的牙( fang的名词复数 )；（蛇的）毒牙；罐座

参考例句：

• The dog fleshed his fangs in the deer's leg. 狗用尖牙咬住了鹿腿。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
• Dogs came lunging forward with their fangs bared. 狗龇牙咧嘴地扑过来。 来自《简明英汉词典》

3 makeup   

n.组织；性格；化装品

参考例句：

• Those who failed the exam take a makeup exam.这次考试不及格的人必须参加补考。
• Do you think her beauty could makeup for her stupidity?你认为她的美丽能弥补她的愚蠢吗？

4 weird   

adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的

参考例句：

• From his weird behaviour,he seems a bit of an oddity.从他不寻常的行为看来，他好像有点怪。
• His weird clothes really gas me.他的怪衣裳简直笑死人。

5 milky   

adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的

参考例句：

• Alexander always has milky coffee at lunchtime.亚历山大总是在午餐时喝掺奶的咖啡。
• I like a hot milky drink at bedtime.我喜欢睡前喝杯热奶饮料。

6 hiss   

v.发出嘶嘶声；发嘘声表示不满

参考例句：

• We can hear the hiss of air escaping from a tire.我们能听到一只轮胎的嘶嘶漏气声。
• Don't hiss at the speaker.不要嘘演讲人。

7 random   

adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动

参考例句：

• The list is arranged in a random order.名单排列不分先后。
• On random inspection the meat was found to be bad.经抽查，发现肉变质了。

8 clenched   

v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• He clenched his fists in anger. 他愤怒地攥紧了拳头。
• She clenched her hands in her lap to hide their trembling. 她攥紧双手放在腿上，以掩饰其颤抖。 来自《简明英汉词典》

9 aggression   

n.进攻，侵略，侵犯，侵害

参考例句：

• So long as we are firmly united, we need fear no aggression.只要我们紧密地团结，就不必惧怕外来侵略。
• Her view is that aggression is part of human nature.她认为攻击性是人类本性的一部份。

10 nag   

v.(对…)不停地唠叨；n.爱唠叨的人

参考例句：

• Nobody likes to work with a nag.谁也不愿与好唠叨的人一起共事。
• Don't nag me like an old woman.别像个老太婆似的唠唠叨叨烦我。

11 pumpkin   

n.南瓜

参考例句：

• They ate turkey and pumpkin pie.他们吃了火鸡和南瓜馅饼。
• It looks like there is a person looking out of the pumpkin!看起来就像南瓜里有人在看着你！

12 riddle   

n.谜，谜语，粗筛；vt.解谜，给…出谜，筛，检查，鉴定，非难，充满于；vi.出谜

参考例句：

• The riddle couldn't be solved by the child.这个谜语孩子猜不出来。
• Her disappearance is a complete riddle.她的失踪完全是一个谜。