Why Changing Your Language Can Change Your Life

Why Changing Your Language Can Change Your Life

 "Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” ~ Rudyard Kipling

I was talking with a client recently (let’s call him Dan) when after I asked what stopped him making headway with a certain project. He replied, “I’m no good at the admin side of things.”

A statement like that is always going to have me jumping in with all coaching guns blazing, because if I don’t point out the disempowering nature of it then I would be neglecting my duty of care.

The first reason why I took issue is because it was delivered to me as a fact. Yet I knew full well that Dan was highly intelligent and easily capable of doing the menial admin tasks required to pursue the bigger project.

So first and foremost it was a limiting belief and not a fact per se.

If Dan had said to me, “I can’t run the 100 meters in under 8 seconds wearing flip¹ flops² a sombrero and Scuba³ diving equipment” that would have been cool, because nobody can and as such I’d accept that as a fact and not a limiting belief.

But more crucially than the limiting belief was the fact that the information contained a presupposition. And that presupposition was that nothing would change in the future.

A Self-Fulfilling Prophesy⁴

In this instance as far as his brain was concerned “I can’t” equates⁵ to “I can’t and I never will be able to.”

Your brain loves to prove you right. It hates being wrong more than I hate mosquitoes and bananas. Being wrong creates a mini dopamine crash and a short-lived (usually) loss of status. That’s why people will sometimes go to extraordinary lengths to win a petty and meaningless argument.

But your brain also hates trying to hold two contradictory⁶ opinions at once because that creates cognitive⁷ dissonance which in turn produces feelings almost as severe as being wrong.

Therefore, when Dan said “I’m no good at the admin side of things” he kick-started a chain reaction of events in which his unconscious brain went looking for evidence to support his belief.

The Wrong Way

At that point it would have been virtually useless for me to have said “Of course you can man, even I could do that and I’m an admin neanderthal” because Dan’s brain would have had all the evidence he needed to ‘prove’ me wrong.

Even if I’d have adopted the common coaching approach of undermining the belief with contrary examples of when Dan completed similar tasks, I still doubt it would have worked because he had such a conviction that he was incapable⁸ of doing what was necessary.

In situations like this a change of language that removes cognitive dissonance is called for.

I seldom want clients to go into denial and pretend they are good at something they’re not. There are occasions where the “Act as if” frame can be useful, but this isn’t one of them and in this case it would have created such cognitive dissonance that Dan could well have lost faith in me.

A Better Approach

A far more effective approach is a subtle change of language that Dan’s brain wouldn’t rebel against.

As such I said to Dan:

“Do you mean up until now you haven’t been able to do such tasks?”

And before he had time to respond I went on:

“Because you know as well as I do that your brain likes to conserve⁹ energy and as such repeats patterns of behavior. You appreciate there’s no real reason why you can’t change those patterns moving forward … if you want to achieve your goals that is.”

Quantum Change

Wham! Instant change in attitude and a quantum shift in his thinking endorsed¹⁰ by him giving me the sweetest words a coach can ever hear, “I never thought of it like that.”

There are two reasons that using this type of language is highly useful.

It pushes the problem into the past where it belongs. We have no way of knowing what the future holds so presuming we will always have the same limitations we have now merely creates a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It adds the empowering presupposition that things can and probably will change in the future.

It also does one other useful thing, and that is to move the person into a solution focused mindset which is crucial to resolving problems.

Try this out for Yourself

Next time you find yourself saying “I can’t do this or that”, change it to “I haven’t been able to do this or that until now” or “I’ve not quite conquered this or that yet” and see the effect.

The vast majority of people underestimate the power of the language they use and as such pay little or no attention to it. Yet your language is a reflection of your thoughts and it’s your thoughts that dictate¹¹ the quality of your life.

It’s a simple change to make, albeit¹² not an easy one because it requires patience, mindfulness and persistence¹³. But I’m pretty sure as you read Ken’s blog that you have all those traits and more.

YOUR TURN!

So what do you think? Do you think I’m over playing the power of language or does this make sense to you? Let me know in the comments and I’ll be happy to answer any questions.

1 flip   

vt.快速翻动；轻抛；轻拍；n.轻抛；adj.轻浮的

参考例句：

• I had a quick flip through the book and it looked very interesting.我很快翻阅了一下那本书，看来似乎很有趣。
• Let's flip a coin to see who pays the bill.咱们来抛硬币决定谁付钱。

2 flops   

n.失败( flop的名词复数 )v.（指书、戏剧等）彻底失败( flop的第三人称单数 )；（因疲惫而）猛然坐下；（笨拙地、不由自主地或松弛地）移动或落下；砸锅

参考例句：

• a pair of flip-flops 一双人字拖鞋
• HPC environments are often measured in terms of FLoating point Operations Per Second (FLOPS) . HPC环境通常以每秒浮点运算次数(FLOPS)加以度量。 来自互联网

3 scuba   

n.水中呼吸器

参考例句：

• I first got hooked on scuba diving when I was twelve.12岁时我开始迷上了带水中呼吸器潜水。
• While on honeymoon in Bali,she learned to scuba dive.她在巴厘岛度蜜月时学会了带水肺潜水。

4 prophesy   

v.预言；预示

参考例句：

• He dares to prophesy what will happen in the future.他敢预言未来将发生什么事。
• I prophesy that he'll be back in the old job.我预言他将重操旧业。

5 equates   

v.认为某事物（与另一事物）相等或相仿( equate的第三人称单数 )；相当于；等于；把（一事物） 和（另一事物）等同看待

参考例句：

• He equates success with material wealth. 他认为成功等同于物质财富。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• This equates to increased and vigor, better sleep and sharper mental acuity. 也就是说可以起到增强活力，改善睡眠，提高心智的作用。 来自互联网

6 contradictory   

adj.反驳的，反对的，抗辩的；n.正反对，矛盾对立

参考例句：

• The argument is internally contradictory.论据本身自相矛盾。
• What he said was self-contradictory.他讲话前后不符。

7 cognitive   

adj.认知的，认识的，有感知的

参考例句：

• As children grow older,their cognitive processes become sharper.孩子们越长越大，他们的认知过程变得更为敏锐。
• The cognitive psychologist is like the tinker who wants to know how a clock works.认知心理学者倒很像一个需要通晓钟表如何运转的钟表修理匠。

8 incapable   

adj.无能力的，不能做某事的

参考例句：

• He would be incapable of committing such a cruel deed.他不会做出这么残忍的事。
• Computers are incapable of creative thought.计算机不会创造性地思维。

9 conserve   

vt.保存，保护，节约，节省，守恒，不灭

参考例句：

• He writes on both sides of the sheet to conserve paper.他在纸张的两面都写字以节省用纸。
• Conserve your energy,you'll need it!保存你的精力，你会用得着的！

10 endorsed   

vt.& vi.endorse的过去式或过去分词形式v.赞同( endorse的过去式和过去分词 )；在（尤指支票的）背面签字；在（文件的）背面写评论；在广告上说本人使用并赞同某产品

参考例句：

• The committee endorsed an initiative by the chairman to enter discussion about a possible merger. 委员会通过了主席提出的新方案，开始就可能进行的并购进行讨论。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The government has broadly endorsed a research paper proposing new educational targets for 14-year-olds. 政府基本上支持建议对14 岁少年实行新教育目标的研究报告。 来自《简明英汉词典》

11 dictate   

v.口授；(使)听写；指令，指示，命令

参考例句：

• It took him a long time to dictate this letter.口述这封信花了他很长时间。
• What right have you to dictate to others?你有什么资格向别人发号施令？

12 albeit   

conj.即使；纵使；虽然

参考例句：

• Albeit fictional,she seemed to have resolved the problem.虽然是虚构的，但是在她看来好象是解决了问题。
• Albeit he has failed twice,he is not discouraged.虽然失败了两次，但他并没有气馁。

13 persistence   

n.坚持，持续，存留

参考例句：

• The persistence of a cough in his daughter puzzled him.他女儿持续的咳嗽把他难住了。
• He achieved success through dogged persistence.他靠着坚持不懈取得了成功。