巧妙说不 4大招治好热心人顽症

　　We say yes for many reasons. We seek validation¹, to be needed, or relied upon. We are good people. We care and so we give of ourselves to our families and friends.

　　我们回答“好”的理由有很多。我们寻求确认，想要被需要，或是被依靠。我们都是好人。我们关心他人，所以我们全心对待自己的家人和朋友。

　　But if we're in the habit of saying yes too often, we may find ourselves depleted², overwhelmed³, depressed⁴, or angry. I know because I've been there.

　　但是如果我们养成了太频繁说“好，好”的人了。我们就会发现自己竭力耗尽、不堪重负、郁郁寡欢或是生气不已。我这么说是因为我也是这么过来的。

　　Learning to say no protects our energy, time, and priorities⁵. But we often say yes out of guilt⁶.

　　学会说“不”维护自己的精力、时间和优先权。但是我们常常出于愧疚感说“好的”。

　　巧妙说不 4大招治好热心人顽症

　　"Well I could do it..."

　　“那……我来吧……”

　　"What will they think if I say no?"

　　“如果我说了‘不’他们会怎么想？”

　　"I don't want to disappoint them or hurt their feelings..."

　　“我不想让他们失望，或是伤害他们的情感……”

　　When we say yes out of obligation⁷, we're not taking care of ourselves and end up disappointing and hurting ourselves. Follow these simple tips to help you say no with love:

　　当我们出于责任心说“好的”的时候，我们并没有照顾好自己，让自己失望和受伤。学学这些简单的小技巧，让你说“不”也充满了人情味。

　　1) Say thanks and think it over.

　　先说谢谢，并且细细想一想。

　　I had the bad habit of saying yes to things right away and then feeling crappy later. When Jane asks if you can watch her dog this weekend, tell her you're honored that she thought of you and that you'd be happy to let her know at the end of the day or the next morning.

　　我有个坏习惯。遇事总是马上就答应下来，而随后就觉得好讨厌了。当简问道这周末能否她照顾一下狗狗时，告诉她，她能想到你让你觉得很荣幸，你很愿意在今天晚些时候，或是明早给她答复。

　　Don't allow people to bully⁸ you into making snap⁹ decisions. You may feel uncomfortable, resent¹⁰ the other person, and fester some anger towards yourself. Avoid this by saying you'll check your schedule. Give them a time or date that you'll follow up with them.

　　别让他人让你陷入迅速决策而欺负你。你可能会觉得不是滋味，怨恨别人，并愈发对自己生气。要避免这种情况，就说你会再看看你的日程表。给他们一个你会帮他们做这件事情的时间或是日期。

　　2) Three breaths. Two questions.

　　三呼吸。两问题。

　　If we are in the habit of saying yes out of obligation, every question can cause stress. Take three deep breaths before you answer which will ground you. Then ask yourself these questions.

　　如果我们有出于责任回答“好”的习惯，每个问题都会造成压力。在你要脱口而出回应的之前，做三次深呼吸。然后问问自己这些问题。

　　Ask Yourself: Am I able to? Do I want to?

　　问问你自己：我能做吗？我想做吗？

　　Just because we're able to do something it doesn't mean we should or that we need to. When we do things out of obligation it feels like a chore. When we do things out of love, they feel like a joy. So are you able to? Do you want to?

　　仅仅因为我们能去做某事，并不意味着我们必须做，或是我们需要去做。当我们出于责任心去做事情时，就会感觉像做一件家庭杂务。当我们出于爱心去做事情，他们就会觉得是一种愉悦。所以你能做吗？你想做吗？

　　3) Turn them down like this and offer alternatives.

　　像这样拒绝他们，并提供代替方案。

　　The actual saying No part can be the hardest step because your mind's program may tell you that you're selfish or you're a bad person for saying no. This is not true. You are saying no because you value yourself, your time, and your energy.

　　真正到了说“不”的这一步实际上是最难的部分，因为你的大脑程序可能会告诉，你好自私，或是说“不”的你是个坏人。这不是真的。你说“不”是因为你珍惜自己，珍惜你的时间和你的精力。

　　Saying no can look something like this:

　　像这样说“不”：

　　"I appreciate you thinking of me to watch your dog but unfortunately I'm not able to this weekend."

　　“你能想到让我来帮你照看狗狗我很感激，但不巧的是，我这周末没时间。”

　　Notice how there was no long explanation or apology.

　　注意一下，这里如何没有过长的解释或是道歉的。

　　If you would be willing to at a different time you could add, "Unfortunately I'm not able to this weekend, but I'd be open to watching Grover on one of your future trips.

　　"如果你愿意换个时间帮她的话，你可以补充道，“不巧我这周末没时间，但是下次你出远门的时候，我可以帮你照看格罗佛。”

　　Or "Unfortunately I'm not able to this weekend, but my friend Sally loves dogs and said she'd be around this weekend. Let me know if you'd like her number."

　　或是“不巧的是我这周末没时间，但是我朋友萨利很喜欢狗，而且她说这周末有空。如果你想要她电话的话，请告诉我。”

　　There are various ways you can respond. Be loving, but firm. You don't need to explain anything.

　　有很多种你可以回复的办法。充满爱心但是坚定不移。你不需要解释任何多于的。

　　Offer alternate¹¹ dates that might work. “I'm not able to make Thursday or Friday for dinner but I could do next Wednesday. Would that work for you?”

　　提供改天的可能性。“我周四或是周五抽不出时间来共进晚餐，但是下周三我有空。这样行吗？”

　　Offer something that you would be comfortable with. "I'm not able to come early and decorate a table for the Christmas party but I'd be happy to pick up a pie at Jonah's bakery on my way.

　　"提供你觉得舒服的方案，“要我早到装饰圣诞派对餐桌不太可能哎，但是我来的时候，很愿意顺道带一只约拿面包屋的馅饼哦！

　　4) Simply say no, with a smile.

　　简单的说“不”，带上微笑。

　　"Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm not able to do that." Then smile.“

　　谢谢你能想到我，不过我不能帮你了。”然后微笑。

　　By being able to say no in a loving way, it shows self-respect. When you're able to say no easily and without guilt, you might even find that you are more willing to volunteer and/or participate because when you do, it will be out of joy, not obligation.

　　充满爱心的说“不”，这展现自我尊重。当你能够简单说“不”而且不抱怨负罪感的时候，你可能甚至发现，你更愿意自愿和/或加入，因为当你做这件事的时候是出于喜悦而非责任。

1 validation   

n.确认

参考例句：

• If the countdown timer ever hits zero, do your validation processing. 处理这种情况的方法是在输入的同时使用递减计时器，每次击键重新计时。如果递减计时器变为零，就开始验证。 来自About Face 3交互设计精髓
• Although the validation control is a very widespread idiom, most such controls can be improved. 虽然确认控件是非常广泛的习惯用法，但还有很多有待改进的地方。 来自About Face 3交互设计精髓

2 depleted   

adj. 枯竭的, 废弃的 动词deplete的过去式和过去分词

参考例句：

• Food supplies were severely depleted. 食物供应已严重不足。
• Both teams were severely depleted by injuries. 两个队都因队员受伤而实力大减。

3 overwhelmed   

[ overwhelm ]的过去式

参考例句：

• She was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. 她感到愧疚难当。
• If (one was) overwhelmed by passion, it could lead to serious blunders. 当感情完全淹没理智时，就可能铸成大错。

4 depressed   

adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的

参考例句：

• When he was depressed,he felt utterly divorced from reality.他心情沮丧时就感到完全脱离了现实。
• His mother was depressed by the sad news.这个坏消息使他的母亲意志消沉。

5 priorities   

n.先( priority的名词复数 )；优先；优先权；优先考虑的事

参考例句：

• The document provided a revealing insight into the government's priorities. 这份文件使人看出政府的轻重缓急是怎样安排的。
• We must work together to fund only our most important priorities. 我们必须共同努力，只为最重要的项目提供资金。 来自英汉非文学 - 政府文件

6 guilt   

n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责

参考例句：

• She tried to cover up her guilt by lying.她企图用谎言掩饰自己的罪行。
• Don't lay a guilt trip on your child about schoolwork.别因为功课责备孩子而使他觉得很内疚。

7 obligation   

n.（法律、道德上的）义务，责任

参考例句：

• Every player is under an obligation to keep the rules.每个选手都必须遵守这些规则。
• It is the obligation of citizens to perform military service.服兵役是每个公民的义务。

8 bully   

n.恃强欺弱者，小流氓；vt.威胁，欺侮

参考例句：

• A bully is always a coward.暴汉常是懦夫。
• The boy gave the bully a pelt on the back with a pebble.那男孩用石子掷击小流氓的背脊。

9 snap   

n.啪地移动，突然断掉；v.猛咬，咬断，谩骂，砰然关上

参考例句：

• He broke off the twig with a snap.他啪地一声把那根树枝折断了。
• These earrings snap on with special fasteners.这副耳环是用特制的按扣扣上去的。

10 resent   

v.对...表示忿恨，对...怨恨

参考例句：

• I resent his dictatorial manner.我痛恨他的独断作风。
• I resent comments on the impracticality of small cars.我反对说小骄车不实用的说法。

11 alternate   

adj.交替的，间隔的；v.（使）轮流　　

参考例句：

• He and I clean our room on alternate days.我和他隔日轮流打扫我们的房间。
• That was a week of alternate rain and sunshine.那是晴雨天交替的一周。