你会经营感情吗 警惕毁了爱情的坏习惯

 　　Ever feel that your relationship suffers from a unique brand of frustration¹, tension, distance, or any number of other troubling feelings? The reality is, there is struggle in every romance. "If you are experiencing disillusionment, well, join the human race" 。

　　你是否曾经感觉自己的感情曾经遭受沮丧，紧张，距离或其他负面情绪的困扰？事实是，在每段感情中这些纠结都不可避免。“如果你正在经历这种幻灭，那么说明你和大家都一样” 。

　　Hendrix, author of the best selling book, Getting the Love You Want, started examining the question, "why do couples fight" in the late 1970s. After studying and working with thousands of couples, he has found that there are 10 common bad habits couples engage in that make relationships miserable² and can lead to break-up or divorce。

　　畅销书《相爱一生》的作者Hendrix在上世纪70年代末开始研究这个问题，“夫妻间为什么会有争斗”。在对几千对夫妻进行了研究和共事之后，他发现，那些婚姻悲剧的夫妻有10个共同的坏习惯，这可能导致他们分手或离婚。

　　你会经营感情吗 警惕毁了爱情的坏习惯

　　1. Be critical。

　　太严苛。

　　Even "constructive³" criticism can make your partner defensive⁴ and reduce the feeling of safety in a relationship. Being harsh and judgmental when angry can trigger a "fight or fight response."

　　哪怕是“建设性”的批评也会让你的伴侣产生抵触情绪，并降低二人关系之间的安全感。过于严厉和主观，会让愤怒引发一场“战斗或战斗反应”。

　　2. Insist your partner be exactly the same as you。

　　坚持让你的伴侣和你一模一样。

　　"Absolute compatibility" is an express route to a dull relationship. If you insist your partner have the same feelings and perceptions as you do, it can lead to despair and misery⁵。

　　“绝对的一致”很快就会让两人的关系变得乏味。如果你坚持让你的伴侣拥有和你一样的感觉和认识，这会导致绝望和悲剧。

　　3. Flee from intimacy⁶。

　　拒绝亲密。

　　If you habitually⁷ avoid being physically⁸ or emotionally close with your partner through escaping into work, hobbies, television, or other activities, you risk creating a divide between you and your partner that may become impossible to breach⁹。

　　如果你习惯性地避免和你的伴侣进行身体或情感上的亲密接触，而选择在工作、爱好、电视或其他活动中去逃避，你可能正在你和伴侣之间制造隔阂，而且这种隔阂可能会难以消除。

　　4. Play the blame game。

　　相互指责。

　　Using "you" language when upset will make your partner put up their defenses. When your goal is to communicate in a way that fosters intimacy, use statements that begin with "I feel" instead。

　　在感觉糟糕的时候用“你”这种表达会让你的伴侣产生抵触情绪。当你的目标是用一种能培养亲密感的方式进行沟通，换用“我感觉……”作为开头试试。

　　5. Bargain。

　　做交易。

　　Both "giving conditionally¹⁰ and receiving cautiously" erode¹¹ relationships. He warns against doing something for a partner only when you want something in exchange。

　　“有条件的给予和谨慎的接受”都会毁掉一段感情。Hendrix警告的是那些为伴侣做某件事只是为了交换另一件事的人。

　　6. Be casual about romance。

　　对于浪漫过于随意。

　　No relationship can be spontaneously joyful¹² forever. Once the initial excitement of a new romance wears off, some couples think their relationship is over and give up trying. They risk missing out on experiencing a deeper kind of love。

　　没有感情可以永远自然地保持快乐。一旦一段新感情最初的激动消退，一些情侣就认为他们的关系已经结束了，而且放弃继续尝试。他们可能会错过经历一段更深层的爱。

　　7. Focus on the negative。

　　太过在意消极的情绪。

　　If you constantly think and talk about your partner's flaws it can amplify¹³ your discontent. A paradox¹⁴ of most forms of couples therapy is that you spend your sessions complaining about your partner—something that can actually be detrimental¹⁵ to your relationship。

　　如果你不停地考虑并谈论你伴侣的缺点，这会放大你的不满。大多数情侣治疗形式的一个悖论在于，你在治疗期间抱怨你的另一半，而这其实会损害你们的感情。

　　8. Refuse to listen。

　　拒绝倾听。

　　Thinking you are the right all the time and engaging in a one-way monologue¹⁶ is a great way to end up in a relationship…of one。

　　认为自己任何时候都是正确的，而且只顾着自己说话，这是毁掉一段感情的好办法。

　　9. Hide your needs。

　　隐藏自己的需求。

　　If you don't express what you need and want to your partner, you'll constantly feel deprived and frustrated¹⁷. It's crucial share "the things that truly touch your heart."

　　如果你从不对伴侣表达你需要什么想要什么，你会一直感觉到不满和沮丧。分享那些“真正触动你内心的东西” 是非常重要的。

　　10. Expect a fairytale romance。

　　期待童话般的感情。

　　Fairy tales are just that and eventually we all have to come down to earth. Demanding the fantasy go on forever prevents your partner from ever being their authentic¹⁸ self and fosters resentment¹⁹ and distance。

　　童话只是童话，最终我们都要回归现实。希望幻想一直延续会让你的伴侣永远无法做真实的自己，会给你们带来怨恨和距离。

1 frustration   

n.挫折，失败，失效，落空

参考例句：

• He had to fight back tears of frustration.他不得不强忍住失意的泪水。
• He beat his hands on the steering wheel in frustration.他沮丧地用手打了几下方向盘。

2 miserable   

adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的

参考例句：

• It was miserable of you to make fun of him.你取笑他，这是可耻的。
• Her past life was miserable.她过去的生活很苦。

3 constructive   

adj.建设的，建设性的

参考例句：

• We welcome constructive criticism.我们乐意接受有建设性的批评。
• He is beginning to deal with his anger in a constructive way.他开始用建设性的方法处理自己的怒气。

4 defensive   

adj.防御的；防卫的；防守的

参考例句：

• Their questions about the money put her on the defensive.他们问到钱的问题，使她警觉起来。
• The Government hastily organized defensive measures against the raids.政府急忙布置了防卫措施抵御空袭。

5 misery   

n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦

参考例句：

• Business depression usually causes misery among the working class.商业不景气常使工薪阶层受苦。
• He has rescued me from the mire of misery.他把我从苦海里救了出来。

6 intimacy   

n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行

参考例句：

• His claims to an intimacy with the President are somewhat exaggerated.他声称自己与总统关系密切，这有点言过其实。
• I wish there were a rule book for intimacy.我希望能有个关于亲密的规则。

7 habitually   

ad.习惯地，通常地

参考例句：

• The pain of the disease caused him habitually to furrow his brow. 病痛使他习惯性地紧皱眉头。
• Habitually obedient to John, I came up to his chair. 我已经习惯于服从约翰，我来到他的椅子跟前。

8 physically   

adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律

参考例句：

• He was out of sorts physically,as well as disordered mentally.他浑身不舒服，心绪也很乱。
• Every time I think about it I feel physically sick.一想起那件事我就感到极恶心。

9 breach   

n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破

参考例句：

• We won't have any breach of discipline.我们不允许任何破坏纪律的现象。
• He was sued for breach of contract.他因不履行合同而被起诉。

10 conditionally   

adv. 有条件地

参考例句：

• We will provide necessary English training to the new employees conditionally. 公司将为员工提供必要的英语培训。
• China should conditionally support and participate in the coordination. 我国对此宜持有条件支持并参与的立场。

11 erode   

v.侵蚀，腐蚀，使...减少、减弱或消失

参考例句：

• Once exposed,soil is quickly eroded by wind and rain.一旦暴露在外，土壤很快就会被风雨侵蚀。
• Competition in the financial marketplace has eroded profits.金融市场的竞争降低了利润。

12 joyful   

adj.欢乐的，令人欢欣的

参考例句：

• She was joyful of her good result of the scientific experiments.她为自己的科学实验取得好成果而高兴。
• They were singing and dancing to celebrate this joyful occasion.他们唱着、跳着庆祝这令人欢乐的时刻。

13 amplify   

vt.放大，增强；详述，详加解说

参考例句：

• The new manager wants to amplify the company.新经理想要扩大公司。
• Please amplify your remarks by giving us some examples.请举例详述你的话。

14 paradox   

n.似乎矛盾却正确的说法；自相矛盾的人(物)

参考例句：

• The story contains many levels of paradox.这个故事存在多重悖论。
• The paradox is that Japan does need serious education reform.矛盾的地方是日本确实需要教育改革。

15 detrimental   

adj.损害的，造成伤害的

参考例句：

• We know that heat treatment is detrimental to milk.我们知道加热对牛奶是不利的。
• He wouldn't accept that smoking was detrimental to health.他不相信吸烟有害健康。

16 monologue   

n.长篇大论，（戏剧等中的）独白

参考例句：

• The comedian gave a long monologue of jokes.喜剧演员讲了一长段由笑话组成的独白。
• He went into a long monologue.他一个人滔滔不绝地讲话。

17 frustrated   

adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧

参考例句：

• It's very easy to get frustrated in this job. 这个工作很容易令人懊恼。
• The bad weather frustrated all our hopes of going out. 恶劣的天气破坏了我们出行的愿望。 来自《简明英汉词典》

18 authentic   

a.真的，真正的；可靠的，可信的，有根据的

参考例句：

• This is an authentic news report. We can depend on it. 这是篇可靠的新闻报道, 我们相信它。
• Autumn is also the authentic season of renewal. 秋天才是真正的除旧布新的季节。

19 resentment   

n.怨愤，忿恨

参考例句：

• All her feelings of resentment just came pouring out.她一股脑儿倾吐出所有的怨恨。
• She cherished a deep resentment under the rose towards her employer.她暗中对她的雇主怀恨在心。