荆珂刺秦王搞笑英语话剧剧本

 　　旁白(Aside )/介绍（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.

　　Action I

　　太子丹（上，掏出镜子梳头，做自恋状）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world? (画外音：It’s you, Prince Dan! 太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! （面对观众） I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world. But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth. I am so scared. So what can I do? (向幕里大叫) Where is my minister?

　　阿三(毕恭毕敬) : Honey, I am coming.

　　太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!

　　阿三：Sure, honey! I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作杀状）

　　太子：Oh yeah~~~. What is the most expensive commodity¹ in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么，人才！这句话要跟观众交流，最好由观众来回答，然后拍阿三肩膀，做赞许状） Good idea! But who is the right candidate?

　　阿三：After screening I have two promising² persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer³ of the world.

　　太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?

　　阿三：Yes.

　　Action II

　　（《十面埋伏》中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐）

　　荆轲

　　Are you Li mochou?

　　李莫愁

　　Yes.

　　荆轲

　　OK. I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.

　　李莫愁

　　Are you challenging me?

　　荆轲

　　Off course! 耸耸肩表示同意

　　李莫愁

　　Come on!

　　音乐起

　　两人冲上前来

　　“人在江湖漂啊，哪有不挨刀啊，一刀砍死你啊，两刀砍死你啊。。。。”

　　李莫愁倒地

　　荆轲大笑

　　李莫愁痛苦状：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt?

　　荆轲: We don't need any reason to win a person. Don't we? Do we? （赢一个人需要理由么，不需要么，需要么？）

　　李莫愁：Momma always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou. You never know what you're gonna get." I got it, Momma is right.

　　荆轲再次大笑

　　太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you?

　　荆柯：Fine, thank you, and you?

　　太子丹：Oh my God! Could you give me an innovative⁴ answer to “How are you”?

　　荆柯：Sure!

　　太子丹：How are you?

　　荆柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife?

　　太子丹晕倒

　　荆柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!

　　太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please?

　　荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸，上面写着：

　　To be or not to be, that's a question.

　　阿三：Hero，we need your help.

　　荆柯：I am busy now!

　　太子丹：You can get a lot of money.

　　荆柯：I am very busy now!

　　阿三：IC, ID, IQ card?

　　荆柯：I am very very busy now!

　　阿三(手指上场的美女，激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.

　　荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!

　　阿三：What? What’s the TCM?

　　荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.

　　阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM?

　　观众甲：TCM - Traditional Chinese MM .

　　太子丹：I must show you the trump⁵ card. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea. It is a brand new product of Unilever China.

　　荆柯（激动）：Slimming tea! I have dreamed of it for thousands of times. My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.

　　阿三：You want? Speak up if you want! Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity⁶, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up. Take it! Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧？难道你真的想要吗……

　　（《No matter》音乐起，荆轲先与阿三跳探戈，拥入怀中，又甩出去，阿三做呕吐状。然后荆轲与太子丹跳伦巴，最后太子丹摆一个女性化的造型，向后弯腰并抬其中一条腿，荆轲做调戏状。）

　　荆柯(诚恳状) Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you.

　　太子丹与阿三（撞胯，击掌）Yeah!

　　Action Ш

　　（《大话西游》主题曲响起）

　　荆珂挽着妻子，太子丹,阿三在后.

　　阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.

　　荆珂：Just stop here, please. Farewell, my friends

　　太子丹：I will miss you, baby.

　　（太子丹，阿三下。停顿。《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起，荆轲与妻子做Jack⁷和rose在船头的经典造型，忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过，向荆轲抛媚眼，并抛下定情手绢。荆轲高兴的盯着美女看，妻子发觉不对，扭过头来。）

　　荆珂（急忙收敛）：Darling, I love you.

　　妻子：I love you! You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!（《肖申克的救赎》）

　　荆珂(流泪) ：I love you more. In spite⁸ of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. (哪怕是世界末日我都会爱着你，选自《飘》)

　　妻子：Well. Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you.

　　荆珂（欲走还留，执子之手又曰）：Sweetheart! You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克号沉船时，Jack对Rose的倾诉）.

　　妻子:"I promise."

　　荆轲:"Never let go. “

　　妻子:"I promise. I will never let go, Jack. I'll never let go."

　　（荆轲的发音和jack很像，所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词。）

　　妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪，

　　荆珂上船，渐渐远去

　　妻子：It’s a good day to die. Never come back. Never…… Never……

　　妻子(掏出手机拨号，阿三接手机)： Thank you very much. As soon as I get the life assurance⁹ $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.

　　阿三：Okay okay!

　　旁白：Then Jingke was sent to Qin and finally killed by Yingzheng.

1 commodity   

n.日用品，商品，物品

参考例句：

• The authorities took measures to roll commodity price back.当局采取措施使物价全面回降。
• Commodity prices remain stable and there are plenty of goods on the market.商品价格稳定，市场货源充足。

2 promising   

adj.有希望的，有前途的

参考例句：

• The results of the experiments are very promising.实验的结果充满了希望。
• We're trying to bring along one or two promising young swimmers.我们正设法培养出一两名有前途的年轻游泳选手。

3 killer   

n.杀人者，杀人犯，杀手，屠杀者

参考例句：

• Heart attacks have become Britain's No.1 killer disease.心脏病已成为英国的头号致命疾病。
• The bulk of the evidence points to him as her killer.大量证据证明是他杀死她的。

4 innovative   

adj.革新的，新颖的，富有革新精神的

参考例句：

• Discover an innovative way of marketing.发现一个创新的营销方式。
• He was one of the most creative and innovative engineers of his generation.他是他那代人当中最富创造性与革新精神的工程师之一。

5 trump   

n.王牌，法宝；v.打出王牌，吹喇叭

参考例句：

• He was never able to trump up the courage to have a showdown.他始终鼓不起勇气摊牌。
• The coach saved his star player for a trump card.教练保留他的明星选手，作为他的王牌。

6 sincerity   

n.真诚，诚意；真实

参考例句：

• His sincerity added much more authority to the story.他的真诚更增加了故事的说服力。
• He tried hard to satisfy me of his sincerity.他竭力让我了解他的诚意。

7 jack   

n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克

参考例句：

• I am looking for the headphone jack.我正在找寻头戴式耳机插孔。
• He lifted the car with a jack to change the flat tyre.他用千斤顶把车顶起来换下瘪轮胎。

8 spite   

n.（用于短语）虽然，不顾，尽管

参考例句：

• He has modern ideas in spite of his great age.尽管他年事很高，但思想观念却很入时。
• In spite of his anger,his remarks were restrained.他尽管生气，说的话还是有节制的。

9 assurance   

n.把握，信心，保证，（人寿）保险

参考例句：

• The young teacher lacked assurance in front of his class.这位青年教师在学生面前缺少自信心。
• He has a life assurance.他投保了人寿保险。