“金星”和“火星”的交战

 　　It’s no secret that men and women communicate differently – but is there really no way to translate Mars talk to Venus speak? Dr. B. Janet Hibbs, a psychologist and couples therapist, says there’s hope as long as you’re willing to adjust your “filter” – a.k.a. the part of your brain that processes what he says, spins it around and reacts to it. Ready for a practice run? Here are six common communication problems in relationships。

　　人人都知道男人和女人的表达方式不同——但真的没有办法让“金星”听懂“火星”的话吗？心理学家兼伴侣治疗师B。珍妮特·希布斯博士说，只要你愿意调整你的“过滤器”——即大脑中处理他所说的话，翻来覆去想一下，然后再做出回应的那部分——就有希望。准备练习一下吗？这里有六种在伴侣关系中经常出现的交流问题。

　　WHAT HE SAYS: “I’m sorry you feel that way。”

　　WHAT YOU HEAR: “You’re being a psycho。”

　　WHAT HE MEANS: “I just really want this argument to be over。” Women like to hash things out, talking issues through from start to finish. Guys, on the other hand, have much more of a flight instinct when it comes to confrontation¹ – especially if he doesn’t fully² understand why you’re so upset。

　　他说：“你那么想我感到很抱歉。”

　　你的理解：“你神经兮兮的。”

　　他的意思是：“我真的不想再吵了。”女人们喜欢刨根问底，将问题从头到尾说清楚。而另一方面，当发生冲突时，男人们本能地更想要逃避——尤其是当他不能充分地理解你为什么如此不悦的时候。

　　WHAT HE SAYS: “If you feel undervalued, ask for a raise。”

　　WHAT YOU HEAR: “Ugh, your problems are so simple – just fix it。”

　　WHAT HE MEANS: “Work’s bothering you? Let me help!” The truth is, men tend to see themselves as problem solvers in romantic relationships, and so what comes across as condescending1 can actually be your guy’s way of trying to help。

　　他说：“如果你觉得报酬低，可以要求加薪。”

　　你的理解：“哎，你的问题这么简单——只要解决就好了。”

　　他的意思是：“工作让你感到困扰吗？让我来帮助你！”事实上，在恋爱关系中，男人往往视他们自己为问题解决者，所以他看起来傲慢的表现实际上是你的男人在试图帮助你的方式。

　　WHAT HE SAYS: “Uh huh. Right. Yeah。”

　　WHAT YOU HEAR: “I couldn’t be less interested in what you’re saying。”

　　WHAT HE MEANS: “I want to hear your story, but it’s been 10 minutes and still no punch line2.” Men don’t process information in the lengthy⁴ way that women do, so telling him a story in the drawn-out way you would to one of your girlfriends isn’t going to work. In short, cut to the chase and you’ll get more of a reaction。

　　他说：“嗯哼。对。是的。”

　　你的理解：“我对你所说的事情一点都不感兴趣。”

　　他的意思是：“我想听你的故事，但十分钟过去了你还是没说出个所以然来。”女人处理的信息冗长，而男人不是这样，所以像跟你的一个姐妹淘闲聊那样没完没了地讲给他听是行不通的。总之，说话直截了当，你会得到更多回应。

　　WHAT HE SAYS: “I didn’t tell you about the layoffs⁵?”

　　WHAT YOU HEAR: “My job’s in jeopardy⁶ and I didn’t even bother to tell you。”

　　WHAT HE MEANS: “I didn’t want to worry you。” Most men don’t like to advertise their fears or what they might perceive as weaknesses – especially to the person they feel they need to protect (that’s you)。

　　他说：“我没告诉你裁员吗？”

　　你的理解：“我的工作不保了，我甚至懒得告诉你。”

　　他的意思是：“我不想让你担心。”大多数男人不喜欢将他们的恐惧或他们认为是自己弱点的地方公之于众——特别是对他们觉得需要保护的人(就是你)。

　　WHAT HE SAYS: “It’s not a big deal。”

　　WHAT YOU HEAR: “How trivial。”

　　WHAT HE MEANS: “Let’s not dwell on it。” Men come from the school of suck-it-up, while women tend to need more reassurance⁷ if something is bothering them。

　　他说：“没什么大不了的。”

　　你的理解：“多大点事儿啊。”

　　他的意思是：“我们不要老想它了。”男人们是从“不抱怨”学校毕业的，而女人如果碰到什么事烦扰她们，往往需要更多安慰。

　　WHAT HE SAYS: “I need some space。”

　　WHAT YOU HEAR: “I don’t want to be with you。”

　　WHAT HE MEANS: “I care about you, but I also want some more independence。” In many romantic relationships, men use this blanket phrase instead of being more specific, as in: “I love the connection we have, but I miss spending time with my friends as well。” Use your judgment⁸: If he’s still being affectionate and just feels a bit smothered3, give him some breathing room. However, if you’re only hanging out once a week to begin with, it might just be that he wants to end things – in which case, walk away。

　　他说：“我需要一些空间。”

　　你的理解：“我不想和你在一起了。”

　　他的意思是：“我关心你，但我也想要更多的独立空间。”在很多恋爱关系中，男人们都会说这种模棱两可的话，而不是说得更详尽，比如，“我喜欢我们之间的关系，但我也想念跟朋友们相处的时间。”运用你的判断力：如果他仍爱你，只是觉得有点透不过气，那就给他一些喘息的空间吧。但是，如果前提是你每周只和他出去玩一次，那么这可能是他想结束关系的讯号——如果是这种情况，还是离开他为好。

　　词汇：

　　1. condescending³ /,kandI`sWndI9/ a. 有优越感的，抱恩赐态度的。

　　2. punch line: (故事、戏剧、笑话等中的)妙句，关键语。

　　3. smother⁹ /`smV62/ v. 使透不过气，使窒息。

1 confrontation   

n.对抗，对峙，冲突

参考例句：

• We can't risk another confrontation with the union.我们不能冒再次同工会对抗的危险。
• After years of confrontation,they finally have achieved a modus vivendi.在对抗很长时间后，他们最后达成安宁生存的非正式协议。

2 fully   

adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地

参考例句：

• The doctor asked me to breathe in,then to breathe out fully.医生让我先吸气，然后全部呼出。
• They soon became fully integrated into the local community.他们很快就完全融入了当地人的圈子。

3 condescending   

adj.谦逊的,故意屈尊的

参考例句：

• He has a condescending attitude towards women. 他对女性总是居高临下。
• He tends to adopt a condescending manner when talking to young women. 和年轻女子说话时，他喜欢摆出一副高高在上的姿态。

4 lengthy   

adj.漫长的，冗长的

参考例句：

• We devoted a lengthy and full discussion to this topic.我们对这个题目进行了长时间的充分讨论。
• The professor wrote a lengthy book on Napoleon.教授写了一部有关拿破仑的巨著。

5 layoffs   

临时解雇( layoff的名词复数 )； 停工，停止活动

参考例句：

• Textile companies announced 2000 fresh layoffs last week. 各纺织公司上周宣布再次裁员两千人。
• Stock prices broke when the firm suddenly announced layoffs. 当公司突然宣布裁员时，股票价格便大跌

6 jeopardy   

n.危险；危难

参考例句：

• His foolish behaviour may put his whole future in jeopardy.他愚蠢的行为可能毁了他一生的前程。
• It is precisely at this juncture that the boss finds himself in double jeopardy.恰恰在这个关键时刻，上司发现自己处于进退两难的境地。

7 reassurance   

n.使放心，使消除疑虑

参考例句：

• He drew reassurance from the enthusiastic applause.热烈的掌声使他获得了信心。
• Reassurance is especially critical when it comes to military activities.消除疑虑在军事活动方面尤为关键。

8 judgment   

n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见

参考例句：

• The chairman flatters himself on his judgment of people.主席自认为他审视人比别人高明。
• He's a man of excellent judgment.他眼力过人。

9 smother   

vt./vi.使窒息；抑制；闷死；n.浓烟；窒息

参考例句：

• They tried to smother the flames with a damp blanket.他们试图用一条湿毯子去灭火。
• We tried to smother our laughter.我们强忍住笑。