Thirteen Pretty But Stuped
[00:05.09]A lady buys a coach ticket on a plane bound for New Orleans
[00:11.15]and proceeds to sit down in first class.
[00:16.12]A stewardess asks her to move back to coach,
[00:22.00]but the woman looks at the stewardess and just says,
[00:27.25]"I'm beautiful,and I'm riding in first class to New Orleans."
[00:34.22]Not sure just what to do,the stewardess tells the pilot about the matter.
[00:40.99]"Not to worry,"says the pilot,
[00:45.35]who gets up and walks to first class where the lady is seated.
[00:51.51]The pilot leans over and whispers in the lady's ear,
[00:57.57]upon which she stands up,collects her carry-ons,
[01:03.74]and goes and sits down in her coach section seat.
[01:08.57]Bewildered,the stewardess asks the pilot,
[01:14.32]"What did you say to her?"The pilot turns and says,
[01:20.80]"Oh,I just told her first class was not flying to New Orleans."
[01:27.75]Fourteen It's My Dinner
[01:33.31]One day,I went to the supermarket to buy some groceries and stopped on the way home
[01:40.28]at an art gallery where they were holding a pop-art exhibit.
[01:46.53]Unfortunately,the carton of groceries got heavy,and I left it on the floor.
[01:54.10]Then,being so moved by what I saw,I left the gallery and went home.
[02:02.25]"Where are the groceries?"My wife demanded.
[02:06.72]"Oh,my gosh,"I cried."I left them at the art show."
[02:12.28]I rushed back to the gallery,but I was too late.
[02:17.85]The groceries had been awarded first prize in the show.
[02:23.80]"We're been looking all over for you,"the owner said.
[02:29.66]"Why didn't you sign your work of art?""It's not art.It's my dinner."
[02:36.42]The gallery roared with appreciative laughter.
[02:42.06]"He's not only a great sculptor,but he has humor as well,"a judge said.
[02:48.91]"You can see that in his work,"another judge added.
[02:53.77]"Notice how the bottle of catsup is leaning against the can of pork and beans."
[03:00.53]"It's pure genius,"a lady said to her escort.
[03:05.57]"Notice the way the can of peaches is lying on its side.
[03:11.14]Even Warhol wouldn't have gone that far."
[03:16.18]Fifteen Why Me,Officer?
[03:22.95]A man was speeding down the highway,
[03:28.88]feeling secure among other cars all traveling at the same speed.
[03:35.82]However,as they passed a speed trap,
[03:40.97]he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
[03:48.41]The officer handed him a ticket,received his signature
[03:55.36]and was about to walk away when the man asked,
[04:00.22]"Officer,I know I was speeding,but I don't think it's fair.
[04:07.20]There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast,
[04:14.04]so why did I get the ticket?"
[04:18.48]"Did you ever go fishing?"the policeman suddenly asked the man.
[04:25.61]"Ummm,yeah...so,"the startled man replied.
[04:33.55]The officer grinned and added,"Did you ever catch ALL the fish?"
[04:40.40]Sixteen Two Drunks
[04:44.94]Jack and Frank were roommates in college.
[04:49.41]One night,they came back from the bar around the corner,and both of them were drunk.
[04:56.25]As they wobbled down the hall,Jack fumbled in his pocket for the room key.
[05:03.91]After he managed to unlock the door,
[05:08.35]both of them stumbed into the room and polpped down on the bed near the door.
[05:14.41]Jack took out his flashlight from under te pillow
[05:19.27]and shone the beam through the window and up toward the sky.
[05:24.55]"Climb that light beam,Frank,"Jack said."and reach the clouds."
[05:31.99]"Not a chance."said Frank."Why not?"Jack was Puzzled.
[05:38.83]"Because I wouldn't climb more than then feet up beam
[05:44.40]before you would turn off the flashingt."
[05:48.45]Seventeen Two Drivers
[05:55.11]A guy driving a Toyota pulled up at a stoplight next to a BMW.
[06:03.96]The driver of the Toyota rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the BMW,
[06:12.92]"Hey,buddy,that's a nice car.You got a phone in your BMW?I've got one in my Toyota!"
[06:22.77]The driver of the BMW looked over and said simply,"Yes,I have a phone."
[06:31.24]The driver of the Toyota said,"Gool!Hey,you got a fridge in there too?"
[06:40.09]I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Toyota!"
[06:44.85]The driver of the BMW,looking annoyed,said,"Yes,I have a refrigerator."
[06:53.20]The driver of teh Toyota said,"That's great,man!Hey,you got a TV in there,too?
[07:02.14]You know,I got a TV in the back seat of my Toyota!"
[07:07.28]The driver of the BMW,looking very annoyed by now,said,
[07:14.23]"Of course I have a television.A BMW is the finest luxury car in the world!"
[07:23.06]The driver of the Toyota said,"Very cool car!
[07:29.83]Hey,you got a bed in there,too?I got a bed in the back of my Toyota!"
[07:37.30]Upset that he did not have a bed,the driver of the BMW sped away,
[07:45.95]and went straight to the dealer,
[07:49.92]where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the car.
[07:55.98]The next morning,the driver of the BMW picked up the car,
[08:02.74]and the bed looked superb,complete with silk sheets and brass trim.
[08:11.21]It was clearly a bed fit for a BMW.
[08:16.85]So the driver of the BMW began searching for the Toyota,and he drove all day.
[08:25.31]Finally,late at night,he found the Toyota parked,
[08:31.87]with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
[08:37.33]The driver of the BMW got out and knocked on the Toyota.
[08:44.41]When there wasn't any answer,he knocked and knoced,
[08:51.17]and eventually the owner stuck his head out,soaking wet.
[08:57.34]"I now have a bed in the back of my BMW,"he stated arrogantly.
[09:04.44]The driver of the Toyota looked at him and said,
[09:09.90]"You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS!"
[09:15.05]Eighteen Mice Bragging
[09:21.42]Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
[09:28.97]trying to impress one another about how tough they are.
[09:33.94]The first mouse pounds his glass of Scotch to the bar,
[09:40.28]turns to the second mouse,and says,"When I see a mousetrap,
[09:46.84]I get on it,lie on my back,and set it off with my foot.
[09:52.72]When the bar comes down,I catch it in my teeth."
[09:58.78]The second mouse orders up two glasses of brandy.
[10:05.02]He grabs one in each paw and pounds the glasses to the bar.
[10:10.90]He turns to the other mice and replies,
[10:15.63]"Yeah,well when I see rat poison,I collect as much as I can and take it home.
[10:23.96]In the morning,I grind it up into a powder
[10:28.82]and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
[10:34.98]The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
[10:42.93]The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two,
[10:49.69]I don't have time for this bullshit.I gotta go home and feed the cat." |