A War with the Machines
[00:27.48]Frank has never had good relations with mechanical objects.
[00:33.25]He has a clock that runs counterclockwise,
[00:38.30]and his toaster shakes his toast from side to side,and burns it.
[00:44.96]He has a suntan lamp.
[00:48.51]As he sits under it,it rains on him.
[00:53.47]One night,Frank was home alone.
[00:58.04]He called a meeting of his possessions.
[01:02.20]He got everything he owned.
[01:06.04]His toaster,his clock,his suntan lamp,into the living room.
[01:13.40]He spoke to each appliance.
[01:17.37]He said,"I know what's going on,so just cut it out!"
[01:24.32]He was very firm.
[01:27.80]Then he put them back where they belonged.
[01:32.24]And he felt good.
[01:35.40]Two days later,he was watching his portable television set,
[01:41.46]when suddenly the picture began to jump up and down.
[01:47.39]He always talks before he hits.
[01:51.44]So he went up to the set and said,"I thought we had discussed this."
[01:58.52]But the set kept going up and down,up and down,so he hit it!
[02:05.96]He felt good hitting it!
[02:09.44]And he kicked the screen in,
[02:13.28]ripped off the knobs,and tore off the indoor antenna.
[02:19.23]He destroyed the machine.
[02:22.89]A few days later,Frank went to his dentist.
[02:27.96]He was in a building downtown,and they had those sonic elevators.
[02:34.41]So he got in and heard a voice say,"Kindly call out your floor,please."
[02:41.38]And he said,"Sixteen,please."
[02:45.83]On the way up it said to Frank,"Are you the guy that hit the televisin set?"
[02:53.40]Then it took him up and down fast between floors
[02:59.46]and threw him out in the basement.
[03:03.41]A Tough Professor
[03:32.98]There were these two guys at LSU
[03:37.63]who were taking English 3001(a film appreciation course)
[03:44.71]and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterm for the class.
[03:51.26]If they did equally well on the final,
[03:55.42]they were sure they would get an A for the course.
[04:00.46]They were so confident about the final that the weekend before the finals
[04:07.01](even though the English final was on Monday),they decided to go up to St.Louis
[04:15.06]and party with some friends up there.
[04:19.00]So they did this and had a great time.
[04:23.55]however,with their hangovers and everything,
[04:28.98]they overslept all day Sunday
[04:33.11]and didn't make it back to Baton Rouge until Monday morning.
[04:38.99]Rather than taking the final then,
[04:42.96]what they did was to find the professor after the final
[04:48.10]and explain to him why they missed it.
[04:52.26]They told him that they went up to St.Louis for the weekend,
[05:00.02]and had planned to come back in time to study.
[05:04.56]But they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare
[05:10.60]and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
[05:17.44]The professor thought this over
[05:21.28]and then agreed that they could make up the final at 10 a.m.the following day.
[05:28.44]The two guys were elated and relieved.
[05:33.61]So,they studied that night and went in at 10 the next day.
[05:40.38]The professor placed them in separate rooms
[05:45.73]and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
[05:52.18]They looked at the first question,which was simple,
[05:57.02]about Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting in"True Lies"and was worth 10 points.
[06:04.75]"Cool"they thought,"this is going to be easy."
[06:10.10]They did that question and then turned the page.
[06:15.38]They were unprepared,however,for what they saw on the next page.It said:
[06:22.82]Which tire was it?(90 points)
[06:27.89](Because they were placed in separate rooms,
[06:32.44]the two students couldn't be able to discuss this with each other.
[06:38.11]So they were on the blind chance that they could specify the right tire,
[06:44.95]and as a result they might fail on this 90-point question.)
[06:51.01]A Drunk
[07:17.47]Fred decided to take off early from work and go drinking.
[07:24.34]He stayed until the bar closed at 2 a.m.,
[07:29.07]at which time he was extremely drunk.
[07:33.62]When he entered his house,he didn't want to wake anyone,
[07:39.26]so he took off his shoes and started tiptoeing up the stairs.
[07:45.74]Halfway up the stairs,Fred fell over back wards and landed flat on his rear end.
[07:53.78]That wouldn't have been so bad,
[07:57.91]except that he had an empty bottle in his back pocket,
[08:03.87]and it broke,so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
[08:10.53]But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
[08:16.20]A few minutes later as he was undressing,he noticed blood,
[08:22.44]so he checked himself out in the mirror,and,sure enough,his behind was cut up.
[08:29.81]Well,he repaired the damage and went to bed.
[08:34.77]The next morning,his head was hurting,and his rear was hurting,
[08:41.04]and he was trying to come up with some good story,
[08:45.90]when his wife came into the bedroom.
[08:49.74]She asked,"Where'd you go?"
[08:53.89]"I worked late,"he said,"and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
[09:00.73]"A couple of beers?That's a laugh,"she replied.
[09:05.91]"You got plastered last night.Where the heck did you go?"
[09:11.55]"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
[09:17.32]"Well,"she replied,"my first big clue was when I got up this morning
[09:24.58]and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuch to the mirror". |