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The One Where Chandler Can抰 Remember Which Sister
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Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.]
Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?
Monica: Um-mm.
Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts.
(Monica is sarcastically amazed.)
Ross: Real magic does exist.
Rachel: Wow.
Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it?
Joey: I can抰 tell you that, no.
(We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.)
Ross: Ah, somebody抯 at the door on the ceiling.
Rachel: Noo, that抯 our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.
Phoebe: Why don抰 you go up there and ask him to 憇tep lightly, please??
Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.
Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) I抣l go up there, I抣l tell him to keep it down.
Monica: All right, be my guest.
Rachel: Good luck.
(Phoebe exits)
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, I抣l show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didn抰 see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, I抣l slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion)
All: Oh, I got it.
(We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the guy answer it.)
Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (I tired but the rest is unintelligible).
Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.
Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?
Monica: Honey, what抯 the matter?
Chandler: I just saw Janice.
All: Oh.
Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid抯 pretzel at them.
Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....
Ross: Hey Chandler, there抯 a party tomorrow, you抣l feel better then.
Chandler: Oh, y'know what, I抦 gonna be okay, you don抰 have to throw a party for me.
Monica: It抯 Joey抯 birthday.
Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him.
(We hear Phoebe抯 muffled voice through the ceiling.)
Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there.
(We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.)
Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it抯 supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.
[Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachel抯 new job.]
Mr. Kaplan: (entering) How抯 that coffee comin,?dear?
Rachel: (jumping up from reading her magazine) Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan.
Mr. Kaplan: I抦 not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy.
Rachel: I know!
Mr. Kaplan: I抣l bet your thinking, 慦hat抯 an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee??Eh?
Rachel: Op.
Mr. Kaplan: Eh.
Rachel: Oh, you got me.
Mr. Kaplan: Well, don抰 think I haven抰 noticed your potential. Well, I抳e got a project for you that抯 a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound?
Rachel: Oh, that sounds great.
Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. (they walk over to a storage closet)
Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much.
Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that it抯 full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) You抮e welcome.
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.]
Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it.
Monica: I know honey, I抦 sorry.
Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it抯 remotely related to the field they抮e interested in.
Monica: (gives her a look) Gee, I don抰 know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy!
Rachel: Oh honey, come on, I抦 sorry, I didn抰.... I don抰 mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.
(A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.)
Rachel: (to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you?
Guy: I抦 sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (starts to laugh again)
Rachel: It抯 not funny, this is actually my job.
Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-I抳e been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.
Rachel: Oh well then, so I抦 just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.
Guy: Ah, just one other thing.
Rachel: Yes?!
Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdale抯 and I might know of a job possibility if your, if your interested?
Rachel: (looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want my pickle?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it抯 Joey抯 party.]
Gunther: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys.
Monica: Hey Gunther. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean you抮e going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?
Phoebe: Well, he抯 very charming.
Monica: I know, he抯 too charming, but if you two start going out, then it抯 just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him.
Phoebe: Well, you抮e just gonna have to try.
Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots?
Joey: I don抰 know, Chandler is supposed to be passin?慹m around...
(Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jello shot to the ceramic dog and holding an empty tray of Jello shots.)
Joey: Chandler!
Chandler: Hello-dillillio!!
Ross: Oh, somebody抯 feeling better.
Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.
Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt!
(Chandler sticks out is tongue and it抯 a horrible shade of green.)
Monica: Oh my!!
Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka.
Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make.
Rachel: (entering, to Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today.
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Hi! So I抦 out having lunch at Monica抯 and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale抯 and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he抯 gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!
Ross: Wow!
Rachel: I know!
Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?
Rachel: Uh-huh!
Ross: And he抯, he抯 a total stranger?
Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.
Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.
Rachel: What!?
Ross: Well, I抦 just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason.
Rachel: To be nice.
Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
Joey: No, only for sex.
Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me?
Rachel: I didn抰 have to, because I was wearing my 慖 heart Ross?sandwich board and ringing my bell.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Joey抯 Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical)
Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey!
Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?
Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joey抯 sisters.
Chandler: Hi Joey抯 sisters!
Phoebe: (to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey!
Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkin?over here.
Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice.
Cookie: No kiddin,?that抯 the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband.
Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I don抰 know how to talk to you.
(Cut to Chandler)
Sister 1: (to Chandler) What 慶ha doing?
Chandler: Oh, I抦 taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer.
Joey抯 Sisters: Oh!!
Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, it抯 a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can抰 we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joey抯 sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.
(Cut to Ross and Monica)
Ross: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today.
Monica: Isn抰 that great?
Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy.
Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, 慔ummina-hummina-hummina.?(walks away)
Ross: That抯 excellent.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
Ross: (to Rachel) So, he抯 just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn抰 want anything in exchange for helping him?
Rachel: Well, I assume I抣l have to take showers with him, but y'know, that抯 true of any job.
(Chandler enters hungover and groaning)
Monica: How ya feelin?
Chandler: Well, my apartment isn抰 there anymore, because I drank it.
Phoebe: Where抎 you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.
All: Woooo hoooo!!!
Chandler: Ow, no 憌oo-hooing,?no 憌oo-hooing.?
Phoebe: Why, what happened?
Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joey抯 sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that抯 not the worst part.
Monica: What is the worse part?
Chandler: I can抰 remember which sister.
Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Don抰 tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, he抯 actually going to kill you dead.
Chandler: Okay! You don抰 think I thought of that?
Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
Rachel: I mean that抯 unbelievable.
Monica: I mean, was it Gina?
Ross: Which one is Gina?
Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no, that抯 Dina.
Chandler: (to Monica) You see you can抰 tell which one is which either, dwha!!
Phoebe: We didn抰 fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha!
Chandler: Veronica. Look, it抯 got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica: That was me.
Chandler: Look, when I抳e been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I抦 sorry.
Monica: That抯 okay.
Rachel: That抯 all right.
Ross: That抯 okay.
Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!
Ross: Hey, Joey.
Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler)
Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)
Chandler: Why can抰 we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.
Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister.
Ross: Ah, which, which one?
Joey: Mary-Angela.
Ross: Mary-Angela.
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: Y'know which one was she again?
Joey: Why don抰 you ask Chandler, 慶ause he抯 the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin?over Janice by groping my sister.
Chandler: It抯 gotta be the first one.
Joey: Really? That抯 great! You and my sister, sittin?in a tree.
Chandler: Yep, I抦 in a tree.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing letters as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call?
Monica: No honey, I抦 sorry, but the weekend抯 not over yet.
Rachel: Oh. (we hear laughing from the upstairs apartment) Oh my God, is that Phoebe?
Monica: I guess they抮e back from their date.
(He starts to play music.)
Rachel: Music. Very nice.
(We hear them start making out upstairs.)
Monica: Oh my God!
Rachel: So, how are you?
Monica: I am good. I finished my book.
(Things start to get really hot upstairs.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, what抯 it about?
Monica: I don抰 remember. Do you wanna take a walk?
Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.]
Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How抯 it going. This is the hardest letter I抳e ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hell抯 a matter with you? How do you think Joey抯 going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?
Chandler: Well, that抯 the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I抣l be in Cuba.
Ross: All right, look, look, you抳e got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.
Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
Ross: Where in Cuba?
[Scene: Joey抯 sister抯 house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it.]
Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?
Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?
Chandler: I抦 here to see Mary-Angela.
Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, 慶ause my Grandma doesn抰 know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
Chandler: Where抯 Mary-Angela?
Joey: She抯 right in there. (motions to the living room)
(Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joey抯 sisters, all wearing red.)
Joey抯 Sisters: Hey, Chandler!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: I can抰 believe Mark didn抰 call. It抯 Sunday night, and he didn抰 call.
Ross: Bummer.
Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, you抮e practically giddy.
Ross: No, I抦 genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn抰 work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you.
Monica: Wait a minute, why don抰 you just call Mark. (they both look up in shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, you抳e got to make stuff happen.
Ross: But, you, you don抰 want to seem too pushy.
Monica: (to Ross) Honey, it抯 not pushy, he gave her his home number.
Ross: (to Rachel, as she gets his number) What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home?
Rachel: Yeah, and you don抰 mind if I call, because you only want good things for me.
Ross: That抯 right good things, that-that is what I said. (glances at Monica)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, it抯 Rachel Green. (listens) Oh no, don抰 you apologize. (listens) Yeah, I抣l hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers.
Ross: That is so made up!
Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, it抯 perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! (hangs up phone) I got the interview!
Monica: Yay!
Ross: There you go.
Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it.
Monica: Oh, that is amazing!
Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I抎 expect nothing less.
Rachel: I got to figure out what I抦 going to wear.
Ross: High collar and baggy pants say I抦 a pro.
Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, I抣l see you guys later. (starts to leave) Woo hoo!
Ross: You go get 慹m. (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?
Monica: What?
Ross: 慦hy don抰 you call him?!?Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend!
Monica: Are you crazy?!
Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.
Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isn抰 even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you抮e right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?
Ross: No.
Monica: I mean don抰 you trust her?
Ross: Well, yeah!
Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up!
Ross: (shyly) You grow up.
[Scene: Joey抯 sister抯 house, they抮e finishing up dinner.]
Chandler: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?
Joey抯 Grandmother: No! I did!
Chandler: Well, it抯, it抯 yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it?
Joey抯 Grandmother: Of course! It抯 her favorite.
Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, what抯 your second favorite?
Joey抯 Grandmother: More of Grandma抯 teramisu.
Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt 慶ause this is great. It抯 top notch.
Joey抯 Grandmother: That dies with me.
Chandler: So will I.
Joey抯 Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn抰 mean anything.
Joey抯 Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it.
Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall)
[Cut to the hall, Joey抯 sister runs up and grabs Chandler抯 butt.]
Chandler: (startled) Hey!
Joey抯 Sister: Finally, I thought we抎 never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him)
Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and I抦 not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.
Joey抯 Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips.
Chandler: Ahhhh, you抮e not Mary-Angela.
Joey抯 Sister: No, I抦 Mary-Theresa.
Chandler: This is so bad. If-if you抮e not Mary-Angela, then-then who is?
Mary-Angela: (standing behind Chandler) I am!
Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. (doesn抰 see Mary-Angela)
Mary-Angela: Joey!!!
Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Don抰 Joey! Joey!
Joey: What抯 goin?on?
Chandler: (pats him on the shoulder) You抮e it! Now run and hide!
Mary-Theresa: It抯 no big deal. Chandler was just kissin?me because he thought I was Mary-Angela.
Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela?
Chandler: I wasn抰 sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joey抯 sisters gasp) Look, I抦 sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar.
Joey抯 Sister: I say, punch him Joey.
All: Yeah! Punch him!!
Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother抯 not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya?
Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought you抎 be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?!
Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you抮e my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again.
Cookie: So what. I say, punch him.
All: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him!
Joey: No! No! No! No, I抦 not going to punch Chandler.
Cookie: I抣l do it.
Joey: No you won抰. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, he抯 sorry. But, (to Chandler) you抳e got one more apology to make, all right, you抳e got to apologize to Mary-Angela.
Chandler: Okay, absolutely!
Joey: All right.
Chandler: You抳e got it. (he starts to look at his sister抯, but he still doesn抰 know which one is Mary-Angela.)
Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him!
Chandler: What?! (Cookie punches him)
[Scene: A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after her interview.]
Rachel: (getting of the elevator and noticing Ross) Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: What are you doing here?
Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... (gives her a flower)
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: Hi. (kisses her)
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: How抎 did it go?
Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn抰 shut up.
Ross: I抦 so proud of you.
Rachel: Me too!
Ross: Listen, I抦 ah, I抦 sorry I抳e been so crazy and jealous and, it抯 just that I like you a lot, so...
Rachel: I know.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah.
Mark: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark!
Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job.
Rachel: Oh, I did!
Mark: Yes.
Rachel: (to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around and hugs Mark, not Ross)
Ross: Congratu!! (sees her hug Mark) -lations-lations.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The entire gang is there.]
Monica: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date?
Phoebe: Oh well y'know. (laughs)
Monica: Yeah, I do know.
Phoebe: Ick, you were eavesdropping.
Rachel: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.
Phoebe: Oh, I抦 sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me.
(We hear the sound of a bed creaking through the ceiling, and him moaning.)
Ross: Maybe he抯 just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it?
(We hear a women start moaning.)
Ross: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?
Joey: All right, that抯 it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy?
Ross: Ah, we抣l all go. (motions to Chandler) Come on. (the guys leave)
Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Thank you.
Chandler: Don抰 worry.
Phoebe: God, I hope they kick his ass!
Rachel: Honey, I抦 sorry.
Monica: Y'know if it抯 any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. (Rachel nods in agreement)
(We the guys knock on the door upstairs, and the guy answering it.)
Guy: (muffled) May I help you?
(We hear the guys start to attack him, but the guy manages to calm them down and gets them to agree to what he did. Monica throws up her hands in disgust.)
End
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