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The One With Rachel抯 Crush
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Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathy抯 play.]
Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play!
Ross: People can hear you.
Chandler: I know!!
(The play starts.)
Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn抰 she?
Ross: Yeah.
(Onstage there抯 a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We don抰 see what抯 going on, only hear it.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Hi!
Kathy: Hi!
Ross: That is one good looking man!
Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!
Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you抳e been doing this long?
Kathy: No, you抮e my first. Put the money on the table.
(Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that抯 nice. (They start making out harder.)
Ross: Dude!
Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse?
Kathy: If you want it to be.
(Kathy抯 co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandler抯 mouth is on the floor.)
Ross: Here抯 your girlfriend抯 button. (Holding the button.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after the move, and Phoebe is their also.]
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school?
Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?
Phoebe: Well, it抯 just that maternity clothes are so expensive.
(Rachel enters)
Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just?Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it)卼hrow your purses at it.
Rachel: Bloomingdale抯 eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps)
Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job?
Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down!
Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: That sounds great!
Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.)
Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can抰 eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.
Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) There抯 gravy?
Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that抯 your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg)
(Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Joey: I think I left a donut up here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are already there.]
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy抯 play?
Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin?guy.
Chandler: Yeah, it抯 like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!
Phoebe: That抯 a good idea for a business!
Chandler: I抦 totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they抮e gonna go to their cast parties and he抯 gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it抣l be like, "So where抯 your boyfriend, what抯-his-name, Chester?" And she抣l go, "No-no-no, it抯 Chandler." And he抣l go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick.
Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?
Joey: Chandler, look they抮e actors. They抮e there to do a job, just 慶ause they work together, doesn抰 mean they抮e gonna get together. I mean just 慶ause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn抰 mean it抯 gonna happen with them.
Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
Ross: They抮e not a couple!
Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now.
Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot?
Ross: Oh yeah!
Joey: Well okay, so then you抮e fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it抯 hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It抯 when the heat goes away, that抯 when you抮e in trouble.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I抳e ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage?
Ross: No.
Joey: Noooo!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.]
Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?
Ross: Y択now what, I don抰 know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.
Chandler: Yeah, I know but?
Ross: Oh no-no-no, I抦 there.
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes?
Monica: You made pancakes?
Joey: Yep! Grab a plate.
Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her pancakes.)
Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin?closer.
Chandler: Okay, okay, but don抰 worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I抦 fairly certain are the same thing.
Joey: Listen also we抮e uh, we抮e watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over.
Ross: Oh yeah!
Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game.
Joey: Oh yeah, who抯 playing?
Monica: The players.
Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.
Monica: (laughs) Please, it抯 a relief is what it is, is what it is.
Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate!
Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe catches it and throws it on her plate.)
[Scene: Bloomingdale抯, Rachel抯 new job.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I抦 quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn抰 even buy it! (Pause) I抦 telling you I抦 quitting! That抯 it! I抦 talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you.
Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I抦 in the middle of a task. And you have a customer.
(It抯 a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually it抯 Tate Donovan, so it抯 not like she抯 really testing her acting skills.)
Rachel: Hi!
Joshua: Hi, I抦 Joshua.
Rachel: Hi, I抦 Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua?
Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife?
Rachel: Oh, I抦 so sorry.
(He walks over to look and some clothes and Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her bra, trying to show off her assets.)
Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt.
Rachel: Well, at least that抯 a great suit.
Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn抰 much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. (Rachel laughs) So I need everything down to underwear, so if you抮e willing, I抦 all yours.
Rachel: Okay.
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me?
Rachel: No-no, that wasn抰 me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry.
(He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it抯 this way, it抯 this way. (Motions to the correct way.)
Joshua: It抯 this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his butt.)
[Scene: Kathy抯 play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the play.]
Chandler: I抦 right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there抯 no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!
Ross: All right, let抯 not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them.
Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!
Ross: Here she comes. Don抰 say a word, okay? Just be cool, don抰 be厃'know you.
Kathy: Hey you guys!
Ross: Hey!
Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight?
Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.)
Kathy: Wasn抰 Nick funny when he couldn抰 get his match lit?
(Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.)
Kathy: It抯 a good play, isn抰 it?
(Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells him to "Come on.")
Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you抮e having sex with him.
Ross: Okay, I?(Walks away.)
Kathy: Clearly, I抦 having sex with him?
Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!
Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You抮e accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance?
Chandler: Y択now, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you抮e up there every night, you抮e naked, touching, kissing.
Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I抦-I抦 playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?!
Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started.
Kathy: Oh, wow. I can抰 believe you抮e throwing that in my face.
Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don抰 even see you denying this!
Kathy: I抣l tell you what, Chandler, why don抰 you call me when you grow up!
Chandler: Yeah, well, don抰 expect that to happen anytime soon!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating pizza as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day!
Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll.
Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh.
Ross: Uh, hello!
Rachel: Hi-e!!
Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell?
Joey: I don抰 know, it smells good.
(He goes over and opens the door to reveal Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan to blow the smell across the hall.)
Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven!
Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment)
Monica: Please, have some!
Ross: Oh, yumm!
Monica: Yeah, I抳e just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone.
Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new Playboy!
Monica: Yeah, it抯 just something I picked up.
Ross: Cookies and porn, you抮e the best mom ever!!
(Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.)
Phoebe: What? What?
Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there.
Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck?
Rachel: It抯 Joshua.
Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the thumbs up heading back to his apartment. Joey follows him)
Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn抰 take-out!
Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run, but?
Monica: No, wait, please don抰 go! I抳e got porn for you too!
Phoebe: Yeah, I don抰 need it.
Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here!
Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
Monica: I抦 the hostess! Not those guys! I抦 always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air.
Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment?
Monica: 慍ause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I抦-I抦 done now. They抳e suffered enough.
Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you should抳e just made them hang out here!
Rachel: Yeah, that抯 true.
Monica: All right then, when I抦 done with this place, it抯 gonna be ten times better than that place!
Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place?
(Chandler comes back, obviously drunk, and trips over the steps.)
Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl抯 apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!
All: What?!
Ross: So you were right?
Chandler: I confronted her, and she didn抰 deny it! (Pause) I don抰 live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.)
Ross: Chandler!
Rachel: Chandler, what did she say?
Phoebe: Wait a minute.
Joey: Come here.
Monica: Are you sure?
Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie抯?
Rachel: Beefsteak Charlie抯?
Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like?motions that they think the same.)
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Monica is lugging one of those floor polishing machines through the hallway. Rachel comes up the steps and stops when she sees Monica.]
Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joey抯.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that?
Monica: Nah, I got it.
Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and Joey抯.)
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Rachel: Hi!
All: Hey!
Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It抯 just so frustrating!
Phoebe: Why don抰 you ask him out?
Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! That抯 such a turn-on!
Rachel: Really? It doesn抰 seem desperate?
Joey: Oh-ooh, that抯 the turn-on.
Phoebe: He just got a divorce right?
Rachel: Hmm-mmm.
Phoebe: So he抯 probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move.
Rachel: Yeah but, I抳e never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe: (shocked) You抳e never asked a guy out?!!
Rachel: No. Have you?
Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn抰 make me sound too good does it?
Rachel: I don抰 even know how I would go about it.
Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin?"
Phoebe: Oh, please!
Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin?
(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)
Rachel: You know what, I抦 gonna do that, I抦 gonna call him up, and I抦 gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you doin? (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? It抯 Rachel Green from Bloomingdale抯. (Listens) Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we?Listens) the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, let抯 see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I抣l see you tomorrow. Bye. (Hangs up) (to Phoebe) You抳e done that a thousand times?
Phoebe: I抳e never done that.
Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no.
Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he can抰 say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you抮e guaranteed he抣l say yes!
Rachel: Really?! You think that will work?
Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesn抰, can I get the extra ticket?
(We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachel抯 apartment.)
Joey: What the heck is that?
(They go open the door and reveal Monica being spun around on the floor polisher and getting the cord wrapped around her legs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are watching a movie as Chandler comes in from his bedroom.]
Chandler: Did she call?
Phoebe: No, sorry.
Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her.
Joey: No! Forget her, man! You don抰 need her, you don抰 need that!
Ross: He抯 right, what she did was unforgivable.
Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?
Ross: How might you be wrong?
Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didn抰 actually sleep with the guy?
Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this.
Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!
Ross: That抯 all you抮e basing this on?
Chandler: That抯 not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There抯 a lot of theories that didn抰 pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Chandler: Oh my God!!
[Scene: Bloomingdale抯, Rachel抯 new job, she is waiting for Joshua and practising how to ask him out.]
Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? (Tries again.) You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too?(Tries again.) Umm, who likes the Knicks?Joshua comes in from the dressing room.)
Joshua: What do you think?
Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great!
Joshua: Huh. (She starts brushing the lint off and checking him out in the mirror.) Yeah?
Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like it?
Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I抦 gonna wear it home.
Rachel: Great.
Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your help.
Rachel: Sure.
Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it.
Rachel: Yeah-eah-ha!
Joshua: Thanks. (He starts to leave) Maybe I抣l see in the spring, with the uh, y択now, for the uh, bathing suits.
Rachel: Oh well, you don抰 want to do that now?!
Joshua: Ah, that抯 okay, thanks.
Rachel: Okay.
Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, I抣l see you around sometime. (He goes out the door.)
Rachel: Basketball!
Joshua: (coming back in) I抦 sorry.
Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you抮e interested, just as a thank you for this week.
Joshua: Wow! That would be great.
Rachel: Really?
Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. (He takes the tickets and leaves as Mr. Waltham returns.)
Mr. Waltham: Good morning.
Joshua: Hi!
(Mr. Waltham admires Joshua抯 butt as he leaves.)
[Scene: Kathy抯 apartment, Chandler is knocking on the door.]
Kathy: (opening the door) Hey.
Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I抦 sorry. Y択now? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset.
Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you抎 call me.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y択now I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? 慍ause we抳e had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y択now, I know for me?Notices a pair of men抯 pants on the chair.) Nick抯 pants?
Kathy: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is debriefing Rachel on her rejection earlier that day and telling her what she should抳e done. Ross and Phoebe are watching.]
Joey: Okay, for next time, what do you say?
Rachel: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket.
Ross: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down?
Rachel: He didn抰 turn me down! He抯 at the game isn抰 he? I got the date, I抦 just not on it!
Monica: (entering) Okay, it抯 ready. Come on.
Joey: What抯 ready?
Monica: Just come.
(They all go over to her apartment.)
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: Wow! Monica!
Phoebe: Great!
Ross: This is beautiful!
(She has cleaned it, completely redecorated it, removed the carpet, and polished the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh did you梬hat did you梔id you work for two days straight?
Monica: Pretty much. (to Joey) So, what do you, what do you think of the floor?
Joey: I don抰 know, it looks the same.
Monica: You used to have carpet.
Joey: Oh yeah!
Monica: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out okay? I抦 just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit.
Ross: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come back later?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep talking. I抦 always the hostess.
(Chandler returns.)
Ross: Hey!
Joey: How抎 it go?
Chandler: Well, she wasn抰 sleeping with him.
Phoebe: Oh good!
Chandler: She is now.
Ross: What are you saying?
Chandler: I抦 saying that she?is a devil woman! Y択now I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don抰 hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really.
Phoebe: How? How is your fault?
Chandler: Because, I-I should抳e called! Y択now if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would抳e gone out with Nick, and they would抳e ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples!
Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone.
Ross: Well, if-if she thought they were on a break?
(They all turn and glare at him.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Bloomingdale抯, Rachel is sitting at her desk as Mr. Waltham comes in.]
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen.
Rachel: Really?
Mr. Waltham: Will you call him?
Rachel: Yes! I will! Absolutely! (She takes out his license and her license and holds them face to face with each other. She then proceeds to act like Dark Helmut in Spaceballs, and mimic a conversation between the two of them.) Hello, Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I抦 glad. Rachel, I抎 like to say something to you. Yes? How you doin?
End
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