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The One With The Free Porn
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Story by Mark J. Kunerth
Teleplay by Richard Goodman
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]
Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!!
Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is that?
Chandler: Treeger抯 snaking the shower drain.
Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?
Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop.
(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must抳e hit something on the remote.
Chandler: Do we pay for this?
Joey: No, we didn抰 even pay our cable bill梞aybe this is how they punish us.
Chandler: Maybe we shouldn抰 pay our phone bill梖ree phone sex.
Joey: Maybe we shouldn抰 pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady抯 all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it!
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I抦 sad. (Exits.)
Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]
Rachel: All right, y択now what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!
Chandler: We don抰 know what could make this go away.
Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!
Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay?
Monica: Well at least, I抦 going to mute it.
Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)
Chandler: We still have porn.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That抯 too heavy.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Ohh, I抦 getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y択now, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
Chandler: Or a job where you don抰 have to carry a table.
Phoebe: You mean like a doctor?
Joey: Pheebs! You抮e blocking the porn! Look out!
Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.
Monica: Oh. Why didn抰 you take her?
Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y択now, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so?
Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!
Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.
Monica: Hey, cheer up! You抮e gonna see her again, right?
Ross: Well I, that抯 the thing, I don抰 know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let抯 just enjoy?
Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, don抰-don抰 do the accent. You抳e got to see her again.
Ross: And why do you care so much?
Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!
Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?
Monica: No! Y択now, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.
Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!
Ross: Ahh.
Monica: Do you love her?
Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y択now?
Monica: You love her!
Ross: What-what is love really?
Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You抮e probably just gonna catch her just as she抯 about to go to the gate. You抮e gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she抯 gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.
Ross: I am a good kisser.
Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in?(Ross looks at her.) I抳e been watching too much porn.
[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We here the baby抯 heartbeat.]
Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?
The Doctor: That抯 it.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool.
(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)
The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
Phoebe: Why don抰 take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I抣l hold onto your card, okay?
The Doctor: No, I抦 getting three separate heartbeats.
Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn抰 even have one!
The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.
Phoebe: Well, yeah.
Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!
The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I抦 going to have three full grown babies just walkin?around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it抯 gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!
The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn抰 that different from giving birth to one.
Phoebe: What do you know?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]
Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Ooh! Hi!
Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe抯 stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?
Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y択now how when you抮e umm, you抮e walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that抯 nice?"
Frank: Yes.
Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you抮e going to have three babies.
Alice: Three babies?
Frank: I finally got my band!
Alice: We抮e gonna have a big family, I抳e always wanted a big family!
Phoebe: Oh God, I抦 so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked.
Frank: Why would we be freaked?
Phoebe: No, no maybe 慶ause it抯 harder to raise them, and the added expense, and?
Frank: (They抮e less than happy now) Oh.
Alice: Right.
Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy!
Alice: No-no-no, no, it抯 going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y択now it抣l-it抣l be like my very own little sweatshop.
Frank: Yeah, I抳e been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.
Alice: No, Frank.
Phoebe: No you can抰 quit college! No! You抮e in college? Really?
Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college.
Alice: Yeah.
Frank: Yeah, y択now when we found out we were going to have a baby, y択now I figured y択now like I should y択now have like a career梐nd I love refrigerators!
Phoebe: You can抰 give up on your dream.
Frank: No, it抯 okay. We抮e-we抮e gonna have three kids! And that抯-that抯 a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.
[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]
Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.
Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)
Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug)
Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.
Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.)
Ross: That抯, that抯, that抯 a big candy bar. (She抯 holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.
Emily: Me too.
Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.
Emily: Well, that?me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) I抦 only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.)
Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I抳e been thinking, I抦 just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you.
Emily: Oh. (She抯 shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)
Ross: That抯 no problem.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.]
Rachel: What抯 that song? It has been in my head all day long.
Chandler: It抯 the theme from Good Will Humping.
Rachel: Y択now who doesn抰 even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.
Joey: Yeah right.
Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?
Rachel: Yes!
Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.
(Rachel starts to leave.)
Monica: Where ya going?
Rachel: I抦 going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice?
Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, 慶ause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.
Chandler: They don抰 really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.
(Ross enters.)
Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?
Ross: I did.
Monica: And well, what did she say?
Ross: Thank you.
Monica: Oh, you抮e totally welcome! What抎 she say?
Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."
Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?
Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!
Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: Then you go to Tokyo.
Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it抯 over.
Monica: It is not over! You抮e over!
Chandler: What?
Monica: You know!
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one.
Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn抰, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn抰 call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y択now just to she what抯 going on, and, and she says she抣l call me back, but then she doesn抰. Then it抯 over.
(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)
Joey: Way to be strong, man!
(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just woken up.]
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.
Rachel: Well, so, why don抰 you just turn it off?
Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you抮e hear! Okay.
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Well, what-what 慶ha got there?
Phoebe: Oh this, well I抦 glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a knife and an soda can.) Now, don抰 you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you抮e thinking?
Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?
Monica: Phoebe, they didn抰 make you pay for those knives, did they?
Phoebe: No!
Monica: Are you sure?
Phoebe: No!
Rachel: Honey, you抮e not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.
Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.
Chandler: What抯 the second part of your plan?
Phoebe: My Saturn dealership.
[Scene: Ross抯 bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone.]
Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?
Emily: Ross.
Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?
Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things.
Ross: No, no, that-that, that抯 all right. Umm, I抦 just glad you called.
Emily: Ross umm, there抯 something that I抳e got to tell you, there抯-there抯 someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang.]
Ross: She doesn抰 know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.
Monica: This isn抰 how it抯 supposed to go, there can抰 be another guy.
Ross: Well?
Monica: Of course there抯 another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love!
Ross: I抦 not proving anything. Okay, I抦 done listening to you. If I hadn抰 let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would抳e put my fist through the wall!
Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?
Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!
Monica: You have to go to London!
Ross: What?
Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her!
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. 慍ause you already told her you love her and she didn抰 say it back, then she called you and told you that there抯 another guy, so yeah, go to London that抣l scare her!
Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do?
Ross: I made fun of his accent.
Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didn抰 fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily?
Ross: No.
Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!
Ross: Really?
Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don抰 let her go without a fight!
Ross: All right. All right, I抦 gonna do it!
Monica: All right.
Ross: I抦 gonna, I抦 gonna go to London and I抦 going to fight for her.
Monica: Okay, good luck!
(Ross starts to leave.)
Joey: Ross! Ross! If you抮e going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I抦 gonna open up my own massage place and Frank抯 gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn抰 have to quit school!
Monica: That抯 sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?
Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised?
Phoebe: I抦 telling it! I抦 telling it!
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I抳e got?
Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive?
Phoebe: No! Think about it, it抯 a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it抯?
Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!
Phoebe: The name was my favourite part!
Rachel: Well, well I can up with it!
Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That抯 not good.
Rachel: Well, I?
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello.
Ross: (on phone) Hey.
Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised?
[Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.]
Ross: No, because she hasn抰 come home yet. And she hasn抰 been home all night! She抯 obviously staying with that other guy, and I抦 the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out?
Ross: About four hours.
Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn抰 show up by then, then just come on home.
Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that抯 better than Relaxi Cab.
Rachel: Okay, it抯 not Relaxi Cab. It抯 Relaxicab, like taxicab.
Phoebe: Oh, that is better.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]
Chandler: Are we in London?
Monica: What are you doing here? You can抰 be here!
Emily: I抳e uh, I抳e come to talk to Ross.
(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)
Emily: What?
Joey: (pause) Nothing. No, nothing.
Emily: I was going to call him, but?
Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) I抦 right, right?
Emily: I抎 really rather talk to him.
Monica: Oh.
Emily: I uh, I抳e been to his apartment and he wasn抰 there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is?
[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily抯 apartment. We hear Emily抯 phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emily抯 answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say匽
Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don抰 know if you can hear this but?(Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I抦 gonna talk anyway, uh, I抦 in the States with you sister and your friends and it抯 all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you梇es, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you.
Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! I抦, I抦 gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realises) You can抰 hear me. (Goes to make his call.)
Emily: I wish I could know if you抎 heard any of that. I suppose I抳e either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you抮e listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there抯 not much chance you did heard that, and there抯 the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
Ross: Hi.
Emily: Ross, I love you!
Ross: Ohh! Thank you.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn抰 ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!
Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Joey: Noo! Nothing!
Chandler: Y択now what, we have to turn off the porn.
Joey: I think you抮e right.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
Chandler: All right, ready?
Joey: One.
Chandler: Two.
Both: Three.
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
Joey: That抯 kinda nice.
Chandler: Yeah, that抯 kinda a relief.
Joey: Yeah.
(Pause.)
Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler turns on the TV and?
Chandler: FREE PORN!!!
Joey: Yeah!!
Chandler: We have free porn here!!!
End
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