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The One With The Apothecary Table
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Teleplay by: Brian Boyle
Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Joey enters happily.]
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine?
Monica: Honey, we have been through this before!
Rachel: Yeah. Don抰 do this to yourself.
Phoebe: She抯 made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.
Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn抰 get to excited about the fact (excitedly) that I just kissed her!
Monica: You serious?!
Chandler: That抯 great!
Monica: Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah well, we抣l see.
Ross: You kissed her.
Joey: Oh we kissed it up real nice.
Chandler: So you kissed her, so what happened after that?
Joey: I came over here to tell you guys.
Chandler: So she抯 just waiting over there for ya?
(Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty much making out at one of the tables as Monica and Rachel look on from the couch.]
Janine: I gotta go.
Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)
Janine: I抦 gonna be really late for dance class!
Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)
Janine: Okay, now I抦 really late. (Gets up.)
Joey: Okay, I抦 all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips? (She kisses him on the cheek and starts to leave.)
Janine: (to Monica and Rachel) Bye.
Monica: Bye. (Janine exits.)
Joey: Have you kissed her yet? It抯 awesome! I could do it forever! Y択now what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks!
Monica: I am so glad you said cooks.
Rachel: I know.
Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.
Chandler: I抦 not your garbage man. I抦 your mailman.
Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. (Shows her the picture.)
Monica: You got it from Pottery Barn?!
Rachel: Yeah! It抯 an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is?
Chandler: A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)
Monica: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.
Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed!
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!
Joey: (indignant) I was tired!
Rachel: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?!
Monica: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it.
Rachel: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store.
Monica: It抯 gotta be one of a kind. Y択now like umm, y択now uh, what抯 that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?
Joey: Hey! I made that for her!
Chandler: You made pottery?
Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage.
Monica: I抦 telling桰f you put that in her apartment you抣l never hear the end of it.
Rachel: Okay fine! I抣l-I抣l just tell her it抯 an antique apothecary table, she doesn抰 have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs.
Chandler: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore?
[Scene: The Hallway between the apartments, Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are returning from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke.]
Chandler: 卻o then the farmer says, "That抯 not a cow and you抮e not milking it." (Everyone laughs.)
Monica: I am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one!
Chandler: Look at us, we抮e a couple of couples!
Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant.
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: And Chandler I can抰 believe I let you pay for this one. (They hug and he whispers in his ear.) Thanks man.
Monica: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? I抣l make that pasta thing I was telling you about.
Janine: Oh that would be great!
Joey: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine.
Monica: Joey, you don抰 have too!
Joey: Nope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again and whispers to him.) You get the wine right?
Chandler: Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay, good night guys.
Joey: See ya tomorrow!
Monica: Tomorrow!
Janine: Can抰 wait! (They each go into their respective apartments.)
[Cut to Joey and Janine抯.]
Janine: How are we gonna get out of that one?
Joey: What?
Janine: I can抰 handle two nights in a row with them.
Joey: What-what抯 wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Janine: I don抰 know, they抮e just a little blah!
Joey: Blah?!
Janine: Well y択now, he抯 blah, she抯 just梥he抯 very loud for such a small person.
Joey: Uh, they抮e like my best friends. Are you saying we can抰 hang out with them? 慍ause that would kinda be a problem.
Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just y択now, not two nights in a row. Okay?
Joey: I guess.
Janine: Thank you. (They kiss.)
Joey: If you want, I抣l sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is placing CDs into her antique apothecary table as Phoebe returns home.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: (sees the table) Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it?
Rachel: Guess!
Phoebe: Umm, a flea market?
Rachel: Ha! See, I knew, I knew you抎 get it on the first guess. Isn抰 it cool! It抯 an apothecary table.
Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (She抯 opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
Rachel: Ohh, yes.
Phoebe: Y択now? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.
Rachel: Almost.
Phoebe: How much was it?
Rachel: It was only 500 bucks.
Phoebe: 500 bucks at a flea market?!
Rachel: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y択now like back then.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Rachel: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y択now, it was like a dollar.
Phoebe: A dollar?
Rachel: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars.
Phoebe: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing.
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Well, what period is it from?
Rachel: Uh, it抯 from yore. Like the days of yore. Y択now?
Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it抯 just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y択now where it was from or?
Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains.
Phoebe: (gasps) White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place.
[Scene: Ross抯 apartment, Rachel is entering as Ross comes out of the kitchen carrying popcorn.]
Rachel: Hey! We抮e here!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: (seeing his new table) Ohh! Oh my God!
Ross: You like it?
Rachel: Oh no!
Ross: It抯 my new apothecary table!
Rachel: Ross! Phoebe抯 gonna be here any second, she cannot see this!
Ross: Well why not?! She抣l-she抣l love it! It抯 the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn.
Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she抯 gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original.
Ross: Why did you do that?
Rachel: Because she hates Pottery Barn.
Ross: She hates Pottery Barn?!!
Rachel: I know! I know, she says it抯 all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. (Ross looks at his table.) So come on, she抯 gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! Please?
Ross: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe桹oh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets! (Gets them.)
Rachel: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets!
Ross: Uh, yeah! I still can抰 believe she hates Pottery Barn!
Rachel: Ross, get over it! It抯 not like she hates you.
Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y択now what I think? It抯 just she-she抯 weird. Y択now it抯 because she抯 a twin. Twins are weird.
Rachel: Ross, she抯 not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.
Ross: Huh. Y択now what抯 not one of a kind? A twin!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Ooh, Phoebe抯 here! Okay, let抯 turn out all the lights and we抣l just watch the movie!
Phoebe: Okay. Hey桹oh, cool sheets! (Notices the sheet over the table.)
Ross: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it?
Phoebe: Sure!
Rachel: He got it a flea market!
Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little.
[Scene: Joey and Janine抯, Joey is pacing around as Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: Hey!
Joey: Hi!
Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting.
Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn抰 afford it, because you paid dinner last night.
Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it抯 just gonna be me again tonight.
Monica: What happened to Janine?
Joey: Oh, she抯 uh-uh really sick.
Chandler: Oh that抯 too bad.
Joey: Yeah, she抯 been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high fever, a nose problem?Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!
Janine: (entering from her room) Monica! Chandler! I抦 really-really sorry about tonight. I don抰 know if Joey told you; I just couldn抰 get out of going to this play. I抦 sorry. Have a great time.
Joey: 慘ay!
Janine: Bye. (Exits)
Chandler: That抯 funny, I saw no phlegm.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Janine抯, continued from earlier.]
Joey: No-no, she really is sick!
Chandler: Then why-why is she going to a play?!
Joey: Uh, y択now, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold.
Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?!
Joey: Well uh, she didn抰 want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. I抦 so sorry.
Chandler: Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!
Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are too loud.
Monica: (loudly) What?!! (Quietly) What?
Chandler: So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!
Monica: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer to her!
Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot!
Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, don抰-don抰 be mad. I抦 sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! Y択now? And it was our first date! Plus, she抯 really sick!
Chandler: No, you sh桸o you said you made that up!!
Joey: I know, but don抰 you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?
Chandler: Eh, they抮e both good. I generally just go with, Monica抯 drunk again. (Monica glares at him.)
Joey: Come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh? She抣l come around I promise.
Monica: Of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner.
Chandler: Okay.
(They exit and close the door.)
Monica: (from the hallway) I do not like that woman!
Joey: (shouting) I can hear you!
Monica: I am loud!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie.]
All: Aww! (They all laugh.)
Rachel: That抯 funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up on Ross抯 table.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new?On Rachel抯 glare)卭ld sheet?
Phoebe: Oh sure! (She goes to take her feet off, but drags the sheet with her which spills the wine.) Noo!
Rachel: Ohh!!
Ross: My apothecary table!!!
Phoebe: What?!
Rachel: Noooooo!! (Phoebe lifts up the sheet to discover the exact same apothecary table they have.)
Phoebe: Ross, where did you get this?!
Ross: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?!
Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique!
Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if they抳e ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars!
Rachel: Oh yes.
Phoebe: Well this doesn抰 even smell like opium.
Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way.
Phoebe: Oh Ross, calm down, I抣l give you the 80 cents. (Ross glares at Rachel)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.]
Chandler: Okay, one more time.
Monica: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?
Chandler: Perfect decibel.
Monica: (loudly) I know!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: So uh, what are you guys doing?
Chandler: Oh nothing, we抮e just talking. Y択now, blah-blah-blah.
Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.
Monica: Well, I抎 like to but, (extremely quietly) I抦 not sure we have time to go.
Joey: Ha-ha, very funny桳ook! I don抰 know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me!
Monica: We owe you?!
Joey: That抯 right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars!
Monica: We didn抰 give you any money! (Chandler is motioning, "No!")
Joey: You don抰 think I know that!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is showing Ross around the newly decorated living room.]
Rachel: 卻ee I can抰 decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table.
Ross: Wow! I didn抰 know that there was a Pottery Barn up here.
Rachel: I know, I know. I went a little crazy.
Ross: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh look at that! The ornamental bird cage! Large!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: (sees Ross) Oh Ross no. Be careful, that is very old! Okay? Early Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that.
Ross: (glaring at Rachel) Fascinating.
Phoebe: (gasps) Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too!
Rachel: Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial times.
Phoebe: Ah!
Ross: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel? (She glares at him.)
Rachel: Well there抯 yore. And uh, y択now, yesteryear.
Phoebe: Yeah no, I抦 telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, y択now if you ever decide you need to redecorate桝nd I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.
Rachel: Oh honey he doesn抰 need my help.
Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think he抯 ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk.
Ross: Really?! (To Rachel) Hey, y択now what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here抯-here抯 60 bucks, why don抰 you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff.
Rachel: (not sure of what to do) Y択now what? I don抰, I don抰 think Phoebe really wants to come.
Phoebe: No! I do want to!
Rachel: Oh, she does want to.
Ross: She does want to.
Phoebe: Yeah!
[Scene: The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are heading back from that Colonial flea market.]
Rachel: Pheebs, I don抰 know what to say. I guess the flea market was just better last time.
Phoebe: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross.
Rachel: Yeah.
(They walk by a Pottery Barn window display.)
Phoebe: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck!
Rachel: Yeah, y択now what? Don抰 look at it. (Realizes the display is their living room) Seriously, don抰 look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe away.)
Phoebe: No! Look-look! There抯 the coffee table they stole from us!
Rachel: Ugh, those bastards! Let抯 go.
Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the厀ait a sec! This is our exact living room!
Rachel: No! No! No! No it抯 not! No it抯 not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don抰 have the?(Looks desperately for something different.) We don抰 have the卼hat lamp! And-and that screen is y択now, on the other side.
Phoebe: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God!
Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay look梟o I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just?Come on don抰 be mad.
Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it抯 all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don抰 have that lamp!
Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross.
Phoebe: I can抰! I can抰! Unless?Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn抰 buy that lamp?
Rachel: What?! No! I抦 not gonna move out!
Phoebe: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn抰 buy that lamp?
Rachel: (gets it) Oh. Yes! I would so move out!
Phoebe: Okay then I don抰 have a choice! I have to buy that lamp!
Rachel: That抯 right!
(They start to go inside.)
Phoebe: But at least the apothecary table is real.
[Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second date.]
Joey: Well, this-this-this was great. Didn抰 everybody have a great time?
Janine: Well I did. I really did. And you guys, I抳e got to say, I抦 sorry if I was a little weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous or something.
Chandler: That抯 totally understandable.
Monica: Don抰 worry about it.
Janine: So we can go out again?
Chandler: Oh yeah!
Monica: Absolutely!
Janine: Oh good.
Joey: Oh well then, good night!
Monica: Good night! (They go into their respective apartments.)
[Cut to Joey and Janine抯, they抮e entering.]
Joey: See? Eh, wasn抰 that fun?
Janine: We have got to move!
Monica: (bursting in) I knew it!! Y択now, you抮e not so quiet yourself, missy!
Chandler: And I抦 blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."
Janine: Y択now, I know you抮e talking, but all I hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah-blah-blah."
Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Let抯 go! Right now!
Joey: All right! All right! Enough! Enough! Enough!! Enough! (To Chandler and Monica) You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine! (They start to leave.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Y択now I think you can take her.
Monica: (to Janine) You抎 better hope I don抰 see you in the hallway!! (They exit.)
Joey: All right, uh, we抳e got a little bit of a problem here. These people are my friends; you can抰 treat them that way.
Janine: They said stuff to me too, y択now!
Joey: I know! I know! And I抦 going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They?They抮e like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I?I don抰 think we can be together. It just, it just can抰 work. It can抰. (Starts to break up) I抦 very upset.
Janine: Okay. Okay. Would, would it help if I went over and apologized?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful! Yeah. (He opens the door for her and she exits into the hallway.)
[Cut to the hallway, Janine is entering as Monica is taking out the garbage.]
Monica: What did I tell you about the hall?!
Janine: I was just coming over here to apologize for my behavior! I抎 really like it if we could be friends.
Monica: Well, I know that would make Joey happy, so, I would like that too.
Janine: Great.
Monica: Now come on. (They hug like men.) Well, I抦 glad we worked things out.
Janine: Me too.
Monica: Okay.
Janine: I抣l see you.
Monica: Bye. (Leaves to resume her garbage removal task.)
Janine: (muttering to herself) Or I抣l hear you.
Monica: (hearing that) That抯 it big girl! (Hits Janine in the butt with the garbage bag) Come on!
Janine: Wait! (Janine pauses, then runs down the stairs.)
Monica: (chasing her) You抎 better run!
(Joey and Chandler both come into the hallway.)
Chandler: Did you hear that?
Joey: Yeah uh, what am I gonna do?
Chandler: Yeah, I抦 sorry man. (Pause) You wanna go watch?
Joey: Yeah! (They head downstairs.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: How ya doin?
Chandler: Hey so, did uh, did she move out?
Joey: Pretty much, yeah.
Monica: I cannot believe you broke up with her just like that.
Joey: Well, when it抯 not right, you know it.
Chandler: You okay?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah. I抣l be all right.
Ross: Y択now what would cheer you up?
Joey: What?
Ross: I抦 giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come.
Joey: (laughing hysterically) You抮e right! That did cheer me up!
End
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