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The One Where Paul抯 The Man
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Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Story by: Brian Caldirola
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (dejected) Hi, you guys.
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: What抯 the matter?
Phoebe: Well it抯 just梚t抯 one of those situations that I just hate. Y択now? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at the Morgan Chase museum.
Joey: (nodding knowingly) Now you抮e thinking you gotta sleep with him.
Phoebe: No! No! It抯 just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!
Chandler: I抣l give up my ticket.
Joey: Me too.
Phoebe: Okay that抯 so generous!
Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too.
Phoebe: Great! Okay then it抯 just us girls!
Monica and Rachel: (less than enthused) Great.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: So what-what is the exhibit.
Phoebe: It抯 mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches.
Joey: Oh man! (Hits Chandler)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich museum this weekend!
Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town.
Monica: Oh that抯 great!
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: I mean think about all the money that you抮e gonna make!
Ross: Why? What?
Monica: Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right?
Ross: No, no, that抯 funny. But maybe it抯 time to move on, let it go, y択now? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth抯 father, so ah, he抯 much older than she is. Looks like I抦 not the only one interested in fossils, huh?
Rachel: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in fossils.
Ross: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings (Paul enters) in his ear.
(And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultee抯 presence.)
Chandler: Ross.
Ross: Oh, come on you guys; that抯 funny! Y択now? Because he抯 need梙e抯 got like a hearing aide y択now, 慶ause-慶ause y択now, 慶ause he抯 all old, and?
(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that he抣l just be one second.)
Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much, I抳e decided to accept the fact that you抮e going out with her.
Ross: Really? That okay, that抯 great.
Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. I抦 funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now I抦 telling you, I don抰 want you seeing my daughter anymore.
Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.
Paul: Yes it does.
Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don抰 think there抯 really anything you can do about it.
Paul: I抣l call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired.
Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan!
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put back amongst the other celebrities hanging on the walls.]
Phoebe: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of fame! Eek!
Joey: I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi would just be crackin?up about something?Then I get fired off of Days Of Our Lives and he takes me down. Now he抯 just laughing at me. Look at him, that smug Belushi bastard, I抣l?
Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you next to Matt Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. (Giggles) Yeah I know; we抎 be great together!
(The dry cleaner finishes with the customer in front of Joey and they approach the counter.)
Joey: Hey! So I抦 back.
The Dry Cleaner: Who are you?
Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry cleaner doesn抰 remember) Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in front of his face.) Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, I抦 ready to go back up on the wall I抦 the star of a new TV show.
The Dry Cleaner: (picking up a TV Guide) Show me in the table.
Joey: Oh well, it抯 not on TV yet.
The Dry Cleaner: Well, then it抯 not on the wall yet.
Joey: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh? (Walks away)
Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauer抯 clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that haven抰 been cleaned yet?
(The dry cleaner just stares at her and she retreats.)
[Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the girls are entering.]
Monica: Oh, I love museums!
Rachel: Umm.
Monica: Soakin?up all the culture.
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Where do you want to start?
Rachel: Ooh, the gift shop!
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: Hey, and then lunch.
Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I can抰 eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.
Phoebe: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he抯 gonna tell you that he抯 gay?
Rachel: What?! No! Why?!
Phoebe: No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right?
(A museum official enters with another man and woman.)
The Museum Official: (to the couple) You can put the aisle over here (points), and put the wedding ceremony right over here. (Points.)
Rachel: I didn抰 know you could get married here.
Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldn抰 put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! (Points to both places.) I mean you抎 have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.)
The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help you?
Rachel: Oh sorry didn抰 mean to interrupt. It抯 just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of weddings here?
The Museum Official: Yes. We抮e very popular. There抯 a two-year waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.)
Rachel: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list
Monica: What?! Are you crazy?! I抦 not getting married! I抦 not even engaged.
Phoebe: Yeah, but there抯 a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. That抯 four years. Chandler抯 not gonna wait that long. He抯 gonna find somebody else, y択now? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
Rachel: Yeah hon, it can抰 hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two years if you抮e not engaged you just don抰 use it.
Monica: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down.
Rachel: I抦 gonna do it too!
Phoebe: Me too!
Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you marry?
Phoebe: I don抰 know, I don抰 have anyone right now. Y択now?
Rachel: Oh Pheebs.
Phoebe: Don抰 feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn抰 gay.
Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is?
Phoebe: Don抰 even get me started on yours!
[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey is trying to get his picture up again.]
Joey: (entering) Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show?
The Dry Cleaner: I did.
Joey: All right, let抯 get me back up there! (Holds out his picture.)
The Dry Cleaner: No! It don抰 go up on the wall!
Joey: What桞ut you saw the show!
The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to my people!
Joey: Dry cleaners?
The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as terrorists and villains!
Joey: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there!
The Dry Cleaner: That抯 right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing!
Joey: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, Air Force One the Russians were terrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them! That-that-that抯 offensive to Russians.
The Dry Cleaner: I抳e never seen it!
Joey: Oh you should, it抯 great.
(The Dry Cleaner stares at him and Joey retreats.)
[Scene: A Cabin in the Woods, Elizabeth is giving Ross a tour.]
Ross: This place is really beautiful!
Elizabeth: Yeah, I抳e been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be my Grandma抯.
Ross: Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyes桪o-do you want to make out?
Elizabeth: Sure!
(They fall to the couch and start to make out, but Ross stops suddenly.)
Elizabeth: Are you okay? What抯 wrong?
Ross: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father.
Elizabeth: Well, whatever works for ya?
Ross: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before.
Elizabeth: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person. Big deal. Besides, it抯 kinda fun hiding.
Ross: Yeah.
(They start making out again.)
Elizabeth: (quietly) Hey umm, you brought protection right?
Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.
Elizabeth: I抣l just run to the store and get some.
Ross: Oh no! Hey-hey, I抦 the guy! I抣l get it.
Elizabeth: Do you know where the store is?
Ross: No.
Elizabeth: Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle?
Ross: A little bit.
Elizabeth: (laughs) I抣l be back in ten minutes.
Ross: Okay.
Elizabeth: Why don抰 you get in the hot tub and I抣l meet you there.
Ross: Ohh, okay.
(Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a door opening and?
Rachel: (from another room) Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a beautiful house.
(Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has his pants around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.)
Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, it抯 my mom抯. So this is the kitchen.
(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clich閐 scriptwriters runs around with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone rings. He let抯 the machine answer it.]
Chandler: (on machine) You抳e reached Monica and Chandler抯, if you抮e listening to this message, we抮e probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we are.
The Museum Official: (on phone) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I抦 calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she抯 still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available?(Chandler runs to answer the phone.)
Chandler: (on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the groom桸o! Not the groom!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Paul抯 Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking.]
Rachel: It抯 so secluded up here.
Paul: I know. I like it up here.
Rachel: I feel like we抮e the only two people in the world. (She sets down her wine class, picks up a walnut, and knocks another one on the floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She reaches down to pick it up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under the couch and causes Rachel to scream.)
Paul: What抯 the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse?
Rachel: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-I梬ould you梐ctually, would you go check on that?
Paul: Honey, we don抰 have any bears here.
Rachel: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke?
Paul: Okay. I抣l be right back. (Gets up and heads for the kitchen.)
Rachel: Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to the floor to confront Ross.) What?! What are you doing here?!
Ross: What are you doing here?!
Rachel: I came with Paul!
Ross: Yeah, I recognize the ankles!
Rachel: Get up!
Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.)
Rachel: Ahh. Thank you!
Paul: Diet Coke. (Hands her the glass.)
Rachel: Op, ice. I need ice.
Paul: Okay.
Rachel: Thank you.
Paul: I抣l be right back. (He goes to get the ice.)
Ross: (under the couch) You and your ice.
Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! (Ross gets up and heads for the kitchen.) No! Not in there! He抯 in there! (She points Ross to the door next to the kitchen.)
Ross: (before entering) Did you really hear a bear?
Rachel: Go-go!
Paul: (entering) Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice.
Rachel: Ohh, thank you.
Paul: I抦 so happy that you抮e here.
Elizabeth: (entering) Here I am!
Paul: (jumping up) Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeth抯 here! Who are you talking to?
Elizabeth: Uh, you guys?
Paul: How did you know we were here?
Elizabeth: Umm?
Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage.
Elizabeth: Obviously.
Paul: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! (Motions that he brought Rachel here to be alone with her.)
Rachel: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something?
Elizabeth: Yeah! Yep.
Rachel: Well, why do y択now go in that room (points to the room Ross is in) and do your homework?
Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldn抰 do it in there. That抯 my dad抯 bedroom.
Rachel: That抯 your, that抯 your dad抯 bedroom. (Yelling) That抯 your dad抯 bedroom!
Paul: Why are you yelling?
Rachel: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! Woo!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table staring at the phone as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hi, honey.
Chandler: (gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.)
Monica: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner!
Chandler: (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.)
(Monica puts the groceries down and goes to check the answering machine and hears.)
The Museum Official: (on machine) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I抦 calling for Monica Geller.
Monica: Oh no!
The Museum Official: (on machine) I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she抯 still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available?
Monica: Oh please, he didn抰 hear it! He didn抰 hear it!!
Chandler: (on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.)
Monica: NOOOO!!!!!!!!
[Scene: The Dry Cleaner抯, Joey has brought in a bunch of laundry in another attempt to get his picture on the wall, but the dry cleaner isn抰 working right now. Instead, a beautiful woman is working.]
Female Clerk: Can I help you?
Joey: Uh yeah, where-where抯 the guy who decides who抯 pictures go up on the wall?
Female Clerk: He抯 not here right now.
Joey: Oh, you抮e kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? I抦 an actor; I抦 kinda getting my picture up there on the wall.
Female Clerk: Y択now, there are two people who could put your picture up there. (She makes eyes at him.)
Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? (Pause) You抮e the other one right? (She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.)
[Scene: Paul抯 Cabin, continued from earlier.]
Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night?
Elizabeth: Oh no-no believe me, I抦 leaving as soon as possible!
Paul: Good. Good. Not that we don抰 want you to stay, obviously you抮e welcome桯ow much more homework do you have?
Elizabeth: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out?
Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-I抣l go upstairs. (to Paul) If-if you get me something from the car.
Paul: What do you need from the car?
Rachel: Surprise me.
Paul: (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.)
Rachel: (yelling) So you抮e gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and that抯 where everybody抯 gonna be!
(Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.)
[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it. With Paul抯 back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters underneath the bed.]
Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, you抮e doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.) She likes you. She?Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Y択now why? Because you抮e a (pause) neat guy. (Ross can抰 believe what he抯 hearing.) You are the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy. You抮e just a love machine. (Starts singing) I抦 just a love machine and I won抰 work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) I抦 just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica rushes in.]
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah?
Monica: Have you seen Chandler?!
Phoebe: No! Why?
Monica: The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! (Phoebe gasps.) I know! How bad is this?!
Phoebe: Well for the regular guy, it抯 bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God!
Monica: I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I can抰 find him anywhere!
Phoebe: What are you gonna do?
Monica: Well, I抦 never gonna listen to you again, that抯 for sure! (Mimicking her.) "Y択now, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?"
Phoebe: Rachel said that!
Monica: Well Rachel抯 not here! (Runs out.)
[Scene: The Dry Cleaner抯, Joey and Phoebe are entering to see if his picture is on the wall.]
Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you sign it, "Son of a bitch?" (Son of a bitch is written across the entire picture.)
Joey: I didn抰 do that! Who would抳e done that?!
The Dry Cleaner: (entering) Son of a bitch!
Phoebe: Okay, maybe ask this guy.
The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop!
Phoebe: Well, what did he do?
The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife!
Phoebe: Joey!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-I桯ey! I did not go out with your wife! (The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.)
The Dry Cleaner: That抯 my wife!!! Get out! (Starts yelling at him in Russian, and I抦 betting he抯 not saying pleasant things about him.)
Phoebe: Well, we should go.
Joey: Yeah.
[Scene: Paul抯 Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.]
Elizabeth: Ross? Ross?
Ross: Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands that he has curled himself up into.) Okay. Okay. (She helps him out.) I抦 gonna go out this window. (Points to the window next to him.) I抣l meet you at the front door. Just tell them you抮e going home, okay?
Elizabeth: Okay!
Rachel: (yelling from the living room) Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Don抰 go in there! Don抰 go in there! I need another soda!
(Ross frantically starts to open the window as Paul enters and traps him halfway out the window.)
Paul: Ross!
Rachel: Oh my God Ross! What in heaven抯 name are you doing here?
Ross: (to Elizabeth) And that is why we cannot see each other anymore.
Paul: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk.
Elizabeth: Daddy!
Paul: You抮e next!!
Elizabeth: Okay. I didn抰 know he was here. (Runs over to Rachel.)
Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or I抣l have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!"
Ross: Okay, please-please Paul, just let me explain?
Paul: No, let me explain! Fired!!
Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul just looks at him.)
Paul: (panicked) What?
Ross: And I too am just a love machine. (Hums a little bit and mimics Paul抯 flexing.)
Paul: Ross, let me show you where the guest room is.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is pacing, waiting for Chandler to return. Chandler enters.]
Monica: (going over to him) I抦 so sorry. Please, stop freaking out.
Chandler: I抦 not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. (Does one of those Chandler noises.)
Monica: Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what抯 the harm in that?
Chandler: Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for some reason.)
Monica: Chandler, please don抰 think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel?
Chandler: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!
Monica: It was a mistake. Please don抰 take this to mean anything, because it doesn抰.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yes, if it really doesn抰 mean anything, because you know that I抦 just not ready?
Monica: I know! I know.
Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)
Monica: I抦 gonna go tell Joey that (laughs) that you抮e back. I was really worried about you. (Exits.)
Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey, did she buy it?
Chandler: Totally.
Phoebe: So did Heldi show you the place?
Chandler: Yeah, it抯 beautiful.
Phoebe: I can抰 believe you抮e gonna ask Monica to marry you!
Chandler: I know.
(They hug.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is going up to the counter.]
Joey: Hey Gunther.
Gunther: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there (points) wants the biscotti.
Joey: Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of coffee to go.
Gunther: Do you still work here?
Joey: No! No, I quit a long time ago. (Pause) Did I forget to you that one? I抦 sorry.
Gunther: Oh that抯 cool, I was gonna fire you anyway.
Joey: Great! (Takes his coffee and leaves.)
End
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