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The One With Rachel抯 Book
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Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Joey: Who wants French toast?
Ross: Oh, I抣l have some!
Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.
Monica: (entering from her room) Oww!
Chandler: What抯 the matter honey?
Monica: I don抰 know, my hand feels weird. I guess it抯 because, I抦 engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying?
Phoebe: It starts?
Rachel: Yeah, so let抯 get started on the wedding plans!
Monica: Okay! (Runs off.)
Chandler: (incredulous) Already?!
Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music?
Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.
Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks?
Ross: Take it from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3" 3-ring binder on the table.)
Chandler: What in God抯 name is that?!
Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I haven抰 seen that since the forth grade!
Monica: This baby has got everything. Take y択now, locations for instance. (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.
Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now let抯 take a look at?(Phoebe rushes in.)
Phoebe: Hey! Ross!
Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
Phoebe: I need to talk to you, it抯 pretty urgent. It抯 about Monica and Chandler.
Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each other抯 hometowns? Why don抰 you?(Motions that they should learn everyone抯 hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-what抯 going on?
Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y択now? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-what抯 wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Phoebe: Nothing梂hy?!
Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!
Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! I抦 going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, I抦 sorry. I抦 so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.]
Monica: All right, so I haven抰 cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.
Rachel: Aw.
Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.
Chandler: Well, you couldn抰 get them anyway. Ian doesn抰 play anymore and Derrick?(Off of Rachel and Monica抯 looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldn抰 know.
Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Y択now, something a little snugglyer?
Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?
Joey: Well, the duck?
Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!
Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!
Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?
Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces?
Chandler: Centerpieces!
Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)
Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think they抮e a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
Monica: Oh my God! It抯 like one mind.
Chandler: Uh-huh!
Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I抦 gonna get cranky!
Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!
Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!
Rachel: What?!
Joey: All right, I抦 gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)
Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!
Joey: I don抰 know! But he did not eat your face cream!
[Cut to Joey and Rachel抯, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.]
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (He抯 about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachel抯 room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) That抯 so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar?Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) 厀ouldn抰 be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his?Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
[Scene: Ross抯 apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on the table she抯 set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.]
Ross: Uh, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi.
Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I抦 sorry, I抦 with a client right now.
Ross: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, let抯 talk outside.
(They go into the hall.)
Ross: Phoebe, you can抰 massage people in my apartment!
Phoebe: What抯 the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler抯!
Ross: And they knew about it?
Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well Ross, what is this really about?
Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want!
Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don抰 know what the big deal is!
Ross: The big deal is I don抰 want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle梑eer! Cold beer.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Joey, what 慶ha doing?
Joey: Sweepin? Why? Turn you on?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?
Rachel: Joey, did you eat my face cream?
(She walks into her bedroom.)
Joey: Where are you going? The vicar won抰 be home for hours.
(She comes back out.)
Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?
Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda?
Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?!
Joey: Yeah I did!
Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!
Joey: Okay, look I抦 sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn抰 have, but you got porn!
Rachel: Hey-hey, y択now what? I don抰 care! I抦 not ashamed of my book. There抯 nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little卐rotica. It抯 just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her room.)
Joey: You got porn!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzle梑eer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebe抯 massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.]
Ross: Hello.
Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?
Ross: Uh no-no, she-she抯 out for the night.
Woman: Ohh great.
Ross: Can I, can I help you with something?
Woman: Well, I don抰 know. Are you a masseur?
Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am.
Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks in.) Thank you so much, I抣l be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.)
(Ross isn抰 happy and closes the door slowly.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.]
Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, your parents must抳e been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.
Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them.
Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler: Oh, I don抰 think I ever heard that story.
Monica: Oh dad, really you don抰 need to?
Mr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, I抎 gotten Judy pregnant. I still don抰 know how that happened.
Mrs. Geller: (incredulous) You don抰 know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!
Chandler: What a sweet story.
Monica: Well, at least you抮e not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.
Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!
Monica: Anyway, we抮e really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon we抣l be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (She and Chandler laugh, but her parents don抰.) What?
Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I can抰 do it.
Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don抰 you?
Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.
Commercial Break
[Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.]
Monica: I don抰 believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!
Mrs. Geller: We抮e sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 you抎 pay for it yourself.
Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23!
Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can抰 put a price on that sweetie.
Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though.
Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?
Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didn抰 think he抎 ever propose!
Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)
Monica: I can抰 believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?!
Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didn抰 think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.
Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.
Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I don抰 want to hear about it anymore! (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesn抰 like it.]
Ross: Okay! Now, I抦 going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, that抯 soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is already there.]
Monica: I can抰 believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it?
Chandler: I don抰 know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She抯 saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.
Rachel: Well what happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding!
Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?!
Rachel: Wait, but there抯 no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!
Chandler: Honey, it抯 gonna be okay.
Monica: No! No it抯 not! It抯 not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!
Rachel: No, y択now what? It抯 gonna be okay. I mean you don抰 have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y択now? And-and you don抰 need, you don抰 need this custom-made, empire-waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)
Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we抮e gonna get married.
Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!
Phoebe: Look, why don抰 you just pay for it yourself?
Monica: How? I don抰 have any money.
Chandler: Well, I have some.
Monica: How much?
Chandler: Well, close to?(Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)
Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?!
Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?!
Monica: It抯 enough for wedding scenario eight.
Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?!
Monica: (To Chandler) How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.
Chandler: Well, you抮e not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?
Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!
Chandler: Well, come on, I抳e been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler.
Monica: This is the most special day of our lives.
Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but I抦 not gonna spend all of the money on one party.
Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, we抮e only gonna get married once.
Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.
Monica: You-you抮e gonna have to put your foot down?
Chandler: Yes, I am!
Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.]
Joey: Hey Rach.
Rachel: (quietly) Joey.
Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?
Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.
Joey: No-no-no, I抦 serious. You don抰 smell it? Something抯 on fire.
Rachel: Well no, I don抰 smell anything.
Joey: Oh, y択now what? It抯 probably just your burnin?loins.
Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Nothing!
Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffee抯 cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
Rachel: Y択now, I can not believe you told him, Joey!
Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?
Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.)
Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) 慡up?
Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!
Ross: (looking at the table) Excuse me ladies. (To Phoebe) I抦 sorry?
Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
Ross: (incredulous) I gave him an extremely professional massage!
Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Ross: Okay, so it wasn抰 uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him acu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.
Phoebe: Well, he抯 never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week!
Ross: Hey, y択now what? This is your fault! You抮e the one that didn抰 move his-his appointment.
Phoebe: Oh, it抯 my fault?! You didn抰 have to massage him! You could抳e sent him away! You could抳e not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!
Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh you抮e right, you抮e right. I抦 sorry.
Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?
Ross: His daughter was hot.
Joey: Gotcha.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Listen umm, I抳e been thinking, it抯 not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Eh, you work for that.
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I抦 sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Monica: You do?!
Chandler: Yeah, I抦 putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that抯 what we抮e gonna do.
Monica: Oh, you抮e so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y択now? We抣l pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Monica: You thought about that?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Monica: What else did you think about?
Chandler: Well, stuff like where抎 we live, y択now? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y択now, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we抎 have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica: (laughs) Y択now what? I-I don抰 want a big, fancy wedding.
Chandler: Sure you do.
Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.
Chandler: You sure?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Chandler: I love you so much.
Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin?about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.
Chandler: Oh yeah, totally!
Monica: Oh good.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]
Joey: Hello, Zelda.
Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?
Joey: The vicar!
Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?
Joey: Like a goalie, right?
Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, it抯 enough alright?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it抯桰抦 not梚t抯 just not funny anymore!
Joey: All right, I抦 sorry. Rach I桼ach I抦 sorry. Okay? I抦 sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.)
Rachel: All right! Y択now what? That抯 it! You wanna do it?! Let抯 do it!
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: (starting to move closer to him) That抯 right, I wanna do it with you! I抳e been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.
Joey: (nervously backing away) I-I-I-I did? (He puts a stool in front of her.)
Rachel: (moves the stool out of the way) Yeah! Ohh, I抳e been waitin?so long to get on that body!
Joey: This body? (He backs into the kitchen.)
Rachel: Yeah that抯 right! Come on Joey; sex me up!
Joey: Hey-hey, you抮e startin?to sound like the butcher抯 wife there in-in chapter seven.
Rachel: Oh, come on now, don抰 keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you抮e in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.)
Joey: I don抰 want to, I抦 scared.
(Rachel walks away, pleased with herself.)
End
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