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The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress
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Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there. Monica is holding a piece of paper.]
Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six.
Joey: Food? Uh-huh gimme! (She hands him the paper.)
Chandler: So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we抮e trying to get to play at the wedding?
Phoebe: Since when are you into swing music?
Chandler: Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands!
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did you book them? Did you call?
Monica: I will.
Chandler: Do you want me to call?
Monica: No, I抣l do it. You just stick to your job.
Phoebe: What is your job?
Chandler: Staying out of the way.
Joey: This is impossible Monica, why don抰 you just pick all 15? (Hands back the paper.)
Monica: There were only twelve.
Joey: Oh yeah, I added three.
Monica: What are peanut butter fingers?!
Joey: Oh yeah?(He mimes sticking his fingers into a jar of peanut butter, scooping some out, and eating it off his fingers.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a newsstand.]
Ross: (noticing a beautiful woman moving in down the street) Well hello! She抯 cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her?
Chandler: Sure! That抯 one of the great things about being engaged. I抦 not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore.
The Woman: Could you guys help me? (Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.)
Ross: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you.
The Woman: It-it抯 really heavy.
Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, I抦 uh, I抦 Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly waves.)
The Woman: I-I am Kristen.
Ross: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area, 慶ause if you are匢抎 love to show you around sometime.
Kristen: I匢 uh, actually just moved from four blocks over.
Ross: Ah.
Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other world.
Ross: Y択now actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. (Kristen crinkles her nose at that.) Before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep! (He stops when he realizes what he抯 talking about.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Smooth.
Kristen: (To Chandler) Excuse me? (Chandler does the shy thing again.)
Ross: Umm, say you抮e gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight?
Kristen: Oh I抎 like that.
Ross: Yeah?
Kristen: Yeah.
Ross: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you. (The box he抯 holding.)
Kristen: After you.
Ross: Oh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and heads upstairs.) (When she抯 gone.) Oh my God! (He drops the box and Chandler can抰 pick it up.)
[Scene: A Bridal Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for Monica who is trying on her wedding dress.]
Phoebe: (wearing a veil) Am I crazy or does this totally go?!
(Monica enters from the dressing room wearing her gown.)
Rachel: Oh my God! You look so beautiful!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica!
Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can抰 believe I found it!
(Another woman walks up.)
The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I抎 cry.
Monica: Well I抦 Monica Geller, ball like a baby.
The Woman: I抦 Megan Bailey.
Monica: Have you found your dress yet?
Megan: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could afford one.
Monica: No, I can抰 afford this either. No. I-I-I抦, I抦 just here to figure out which one I want then I抦 gonna get it at Kleinman抯, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale.
Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip.
Monica: Yeah! So-so when are you getting married?
Megan: Oh I抦 not, I just like to try these on.
Rachel: I do the same thing.
Megan: I抦 just kidding. I抦 getting married July 25th.
Rachel: I抦 just kidding too. (Laughs) I抦 getting married in December. (Turns away not happy with herself.)
Megan: (To Monica) So when are you getting married?
Monica: Oh May 15th.
Megan: Oooh it抯 getting close!
Monica: Yeah!
Megan: So uh, who抯 your photographer?
Monica: Jeffery.
Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did?
Monica: The best man? Wow!
Megan: I know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who抯 your band?!
Monica: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings.
Megan: Oh, you抮e so lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band Carcass.
Phoebe: Ooh, is that spelled with a 慍?or a 慘? Oh my God! It doesn抰 matter; they抮e both great!
(Another woman walks past Rachel carrying a wedding dress.)
Rachel: Oh y択now what? Y択now what? Now that you know what you want you should go to Kleinman抯 and get it half off. This place is so overpriced.
The Woman: I own this store.
Rachel: So, does this (the dress) come in another color or?(The store owner walks away.)
[Scene: A Street, Joey is walking by Kristen, who is still moving in.]
Joey: (checking her out) Hi! You uh, movin?in or movin?out?
Kristen: I抦 moving in.
Joey: Oh uh, can I give you a hand?
Kristen: Oh okay. But y択now what? Be careful. Because a guy who was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back.
Joey: Boyfriend?
Kristen: No.
Joey: I抦 Joey. (They shake hands.)
Kristen: Kristen.
Joey: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! (Pause) What is it again?
Kristen: Kristen.
Joey: Got it! (He picks up a lamp.) So?
Kristen: So uh, do you live around here?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. (Points.) Hey listen; let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop (Points to hers) or you can wake up with your shoes gone.
Kristen: I抣l remember that.
Joey: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
Kristen: Oh I, I have plans tonight.
Joey: Oh.
Kristen: But how about tomorrow?
Joey: Sounds great! Okay, alright, well where does this go? (The lamp he抯 holding.)
Kristen: You look strong, why don抰 I take that and you grab one of the boxes.
Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I抣l grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.)
[Scene: Kleinman抯, a horde of women including Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are waiting for the store to open.]
A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever!
Rachel: (To Phoebe) So this is Brooklyn.
Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you抮e looking for! (Holds up a picture of it.) Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? (She passes out whistles to them.) Three short blasts. When you hear it, come running.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Got it.
Monica: All right.
(A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.)
A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry!
Rachel: Oh they抮e pushing! They抮e pushing!!
Monica: (To Rachel) Hey! Don抰 be a baby!
Rachel: Well I?
(The door opens allowing the horde to charge in, knocking Rachel out of the way and to the ground.)
A Woman: Let抯 go!!
Phoebe: (coming back out) Hey! Rachel! Come on!!!!
[Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is frantically looking for her dress.]
Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. (Checks another rack and another woman tries to reach around her.) (To the woman) Don抰 crowd me! (Finds it) This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God, it抯 perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and someone has a hold of it on the other side of the rack and tugs on it.) I抦 sorry, this one抯 taken! (The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica through the rack.) Whoa!
Monica: Megan!
Megan: Monica!
Monica: You came?!
Megan: Yeah!
Monica: This is my dress!
Megan: No!
Monica: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it!
Megan: And now you抣l see me buying it.
Monica: What? You freak! You wouldn抰 even have known about this place if it wasn抰 for me!
Megan: Look, you don抰 want to fight me.
Monica: Maybe I do! I抦 pretty feisty! (She blows the signal.)
[Cut to Phoebe in another part of the store.]
Phoebe: (hearing the signal) I抦 coming! I抦 coming! (She takes off towards the signal and almost knocks another woman over.)
Woman: Hey!
(She hears another signal in another direction.)
Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesn抰 stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel won抰 stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)
Phoebe: Did you find the dress?
Rachel: No! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy!
Phoebe: I梂e gotta get Monica. (She starts to leave.)
Rachel: No! You gotta hold my hand!!
Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachel抯 hand and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me! Excuse me! (She抯 knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.)
(She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up in one hand and is sitting on Megan who is sprawled out on the floor.)
Monica: (handing Phoebe the dress) Go! Go! Go!
Rachel: (seeing who抯 trapped) Hey?
Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! (Rachel runs off and Monica gets up to follow her.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there.]
Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?
Ross: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she抎 like to go out again.
Chandler: Huh.
Ross: Yeah in fact, I抦 gonna go call her right now. And I抣l make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says?(He mimics the shy reaction Chandler did.)
Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Listen, sorry I didn抰 stop by last night but I had a date.
Chandler: Uh Joe, when it抯 one o抍lock in the morning and you don抰 come by? That抯 okay!
Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!
Chandler: Really? Right across the street?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: When抎 you meet her?
Joey: Two days ago.
Chandler: Excellent! Y択now Ross met somebody too!
Joey: Oh yeah?
Ross: (returning) Hey.
Chandler: Hi! How抎 it go?
Ross: Oh great! We抮e going out again Saturday. But I just found she抯 also seeing some other guy.
Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross抯 situation?
Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I抦 dating this girl who抯 also seeing another guy. But, I don抰 know, I抦 not too worried about it.
Ross: Well you shouldn抰 be. Believe me I wouldn抰 want to be the guy who抯 up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose!
Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn抰 have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what抯 the name of the girl you抮e dating?
Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang.
Chandler: Bye! (Exits.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse from the earlier scene.]
Ross: Well obviously only one of us can keep dating her.
Joey: Obviously! So, how do we decide?
Ross: Well now let抯-let抯 look at this objectively, I think I should date her?
Joey: (not buying it) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I抦 the one who dates her.
Ross: That抯 interesting, but check this out. I date her?
Joey: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction?
Ross: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while.
Joey: Yeah well we should order some food then.
Ross: No Joey! Look why don抰, why don抰 we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we抣l each go out with her one more time. And-and we抣l see who she likes best.
Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair.
Ross: Maybe I抣l take her to that new French restaurant down the street?
Joey: Ah yeah梬ait a second now! Look we抮e gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don抰 have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.
Ross: Well sorry, that抯 what I do on dates.
Joey: All right, well I guess I抣l just have to do what I do on dates.
Ross: So let抯 decide on the spending limit?
Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks)卆 slice?Thinks)卻ix dollars?
Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred.
Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monica抯 wedding dress.]
Monica: Oh?
Phoebe: I know. Hand me a tissue. (Monica hands her one.)
(Rachel goes to the fridge, opens it, and blows on the whistle Monica gave her at the store, which causes Phoebe and Monica to turn around and look at her.)
Rachel: You抮e out of Diet Coke.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel goes into the bathroom.)
Monica: Hello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You what?! (Listens) Hey you listen here missy! (Listens) Wh?She is hung up on.)
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldn抰 have them back unless I gave her the dress!
Phoebe: (gasps) Does that mean Carcass is available?
Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh匔handler wants the band. What do I do?
Phoebe: Well just figure out a way to talk him out of it.
Monica: How?
(There are three short whistle blasts from the bathroom.)
Rachel: You抮e out of toilet paper!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready for his date with Kristen.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey! What抯 up?
Joey: I just wanted to come by and y択now, wish you good luck on your date.
Ross: Oh thanks!
Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her?
Ross: We have 8:00 reservations at Gramercy Bistro.
Joey: Wow, that抯 in like 20 minutes. You抎 better get dressed.
Ross: I am dressed.
Joey: Oh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He picks up a jar of lotion.) What is this? Did you give yourself a facial?
Ross: I have an oily T-zone!
Joey: Okay dude! (Finds a receipt.) Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers.
Ross: That抯 right.
Joey: You spent a hundred dollars. That抯 the limit. You抮e screwed!
Ross: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So technically, technically I didn抰 break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though.
Joey: Oh-oh! So that抯 the way it抯 gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the rules too y択now!
Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?
Joey: I don抰 know.
Ross: Why am I not surprised?
Joey: Y択now what Ross? I抦 not gonna let you get away with this!
Ross: I don抰 think you have much choice.
Joey: Well we抣l see!
Ross: Bye-bye!
Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light layer?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers across his forehead).
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering without touching anything with his hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.)
Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out.
Monica: Phoebe, he抯 gotta be in the room for that to work.
Chandler: (returning) What are you guys talking about?
Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the y択now, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether y択now, they were the right way to go.
Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I抦 not saying that there抯 any connection here y択now, but they did tell me that抯 why they got divorced.
Chandler: But I love swing music!
Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Y択now they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts桾hey just stop living.
Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there抯 another reason too.
Rachel: Well, what is the other reason?
Chandler: I don抰 want to say.
Rachel: Well you have to because maybe it抯 stupid.
Chandler: Well it抯 just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was卼he first time I knew that厃ou were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with.
Monica: Oh crap!
[Scene: Gramercy Bistro, Ross and Kristen are waiting for their table to be ready. Ross is returning from talking to the Maitre d'.]
Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes.
Kristen: Oh great!
Ross: Yeah.
Kristen: Is your back feeling better?
Ross: Oh yeah it抯 fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasm out of control.
Joey: (entering) Kristen?
Kristen: Joey!
Joey: Hi!
Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here?
Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I抦 not breaking any rules so I?
Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross.
Joey: Hi!
Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) It抯 nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don抰 anymore.
Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes.
Ross: Yeah. So?
Joey: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks! (Sits down.)
Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something?
Kristen: Well Joey doesn抰 like to talk about it but, he抯 one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives.
Ross: That抯 right! That抯 right, don抰 you play a woman?
Joey: A woman in a man抯 body.
Ross: Much better.
Joey: So y択now Ross it抯 funny 慶ause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?
Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I抳e been married and how I have a son.
Kristen: Yeah, little Eric.
Ross: That抯 right! Wait no, Ben.
Joey: So you抳e just married the one time then?
Ross: Well umm?
Kristen: You抳e been married twice?
Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I抦 getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you ate some of her food?
Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake.
Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well now梬hy did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?
Kristen: Do you two know each other?
Joey and Ross: No. No.
Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
(Kristen is not enjoying this.)
Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?
Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?!
Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this!
Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!
Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?!
Joey: Monkey lover!
(They both notice that Kristen has left.)
Joey: When do you think we lost her?
Ross: Probably around gonorrhea.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Hi, honey! I抦 home!
Monica: (from the bedroom) Don抰 come in here!
Chandler: Why? Do you have another boyfriend in there or something?
Monica: No! We only mess around at his place!
Chandler: Y択now it抯 funny I started it but, now it抯 scaring me. So could you come out here please?
Monica: No, I抦 wearing a wedding dress.
Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? That抯 great!
Monica: Yeah but I抦 not keeping it.
Chandler: Well then why can抰 I see it?
Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can抰 like it.
Chandler: Okay I promise. I抣l-I抣l hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look卙ideous.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, that抯 like the most ugliest dress I抳e ever seen. Wh-why do you have to return it?
Monica: Oh because it doesn抰卹eally fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.
Chandler: Oh that抯 great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it抯 like yuck! It抯 terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!
Monica: Okay! But you can抰 rip it. Well, maybe a little.
Chandler: Okay!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are watching a basketball game on the couch.]
Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding? (They ignore her.) Guys?
Chandler: (without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day.
Monica: Alright, what抯 going on?
(They all slowly turn around to reveal that they are giving themselves a facial.)
Monica: I抦 sorry. I抦 sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. (She heads for the bedroom.)
Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we抮e gonna have younger looking skin!
Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) Y択now, she could use a little?Whistles that she needs to do what they抮e doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice shot!!! (They all cheer.)
End
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