|
The One With Chandler抯 Dad
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Story by: Greg Malins
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I抎 take that bad boy out for a little spin.
Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you抮e the only one who抯 allowed to drive it.
Monica: Yeah, well he抯 my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.
Ross: It抯 a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you抮e done.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin?good. When do I get to take that baby out again?
Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!
Phoebe: I抳e never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.
Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y択now, "You can drive it, but don抰 tell Rachel" plan!
Rachel: Wow! I can抰 believe you lied to me.
Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)
Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won抰 let you drive the Porsche is because you抮e a terrible driver. There! That wasn抰 about the wedding.
Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I抣l be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.
Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with all his hair sticking straight up.]
Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!
Rachel: Take the top down did ya?
Ross: Only way to fly.
(Rachel laughs.)
Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she抯 talking about! I am an excellent driver!
Ross: You抮e fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.
(A woman walks by and smiles at Ross抯 hair.)
Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must抳e seen me cruising in the bad boy.
Rachel: I think she抯 checking out your beehive Ross.
Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.
Rachel: Gimme the keys!
Ross: No way!
Rachel: Well no brush!
Ross: Fine! Y択now what? It doesn抰 matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.
(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)
Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]
Monica: Chandler, we still haven抰 gotten an RSVP from your dad.
Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that抯 because I didn抰 send him an invitation.
Monica: Chandler! He抯 your father; he should be at the wedding.
Chandler: I don抰 even know the man. Okay? We抮e not that close. I haven抰 seen him in years.
Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn抰 even asked?!
Chandler: Well he doesn抰 have to know! It抯 not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
Chandler: Trust me, you don抰 want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.
Monica: So what! As long as he抯 not wearing a white dress and a veil I don抰 care.
Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)
[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]
Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!
(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)
Rachel: My God!
Ross: What do you think you抮e doing?!
Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)
Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don抰 you just hand over the keys?
Rachel: Oh.
{Transcriber抯 Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It抯 a tradition left over from Porsche抯 racing history. The world抯 greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday. In the 60s LeMans had a unique start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts, put the car in gear and start it. The driver抯 left hand did nothing. Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That抯 why every Porsche car built since then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.}
Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesn抰 find it.)
Rachel: Look Ross, if you抮e so freaked out, just get in the car!
Ross: With you?! Yeah right!
Rachel: All right. (She starts off.)
Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)
Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front!
Ross: In the death seat?!!
Rachel: Oh my?
(They drive off.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.]
Man: Hey guys!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey sweetie!
Man: Ready to go?
Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica抯. I抣l be right back. (She goes to get it.)
Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute!
Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)
Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?
Man: Over a month.
Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.
Man: Sure, I抎 like that.
Joey: So uh, what抯 your name?
Man: (laughs) It's Jake.
Joey: Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?
Jake: Yeah, big fan.
Joey: Me too! There抯 a game on Tuesday, do you wanna go?
Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I抦 not doing anything Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt revealing a pink lace secret.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.]
Monica: Here! (She sets a bag down in front of him.)
Chandler: What抯 this?
Monica: It抯 your suitcase. We抮e going to Las Vegas.
Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers桾hink of the money we抣l save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We抮e not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?
Monica: We抮e going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It抯 time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.
Chandler: Y択now we already went over this and I won!
Monica: No you didn抰. Oh and honey, just so you know, now that you抮e marrying me, you don抰 get to win anymore.
Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don抰 want to go. I don抰 want to see him. I don抰 wanna.
Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know?
Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you抎 have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y択now it抯 hard enough to be fourteen. You抮e skinny. You抮e wearing speedos桾hat your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there抯 your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. He was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!
Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at every one of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That抯 a, that抯 a pretty great dad.
Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi!
Monica: Who抯 Mr. Garibaldi?
Chandler: Does it matter?!
Monica: Chandler, you抮e not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it抯 time that you let that stuff go. If your father抯 not at your wedding厃ou抮e gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but I抦 just doing this for you.
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?
Monica: How much did ever really win before?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you抮e wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that卙e was wearing women抯 underwear!
Phoebe: I know. They were mine.
Joey: Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, that抯 weird!
Phoebe: No, it抯 not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.
Joey: That抯 weird!
Phoebe: I抦 wearing his briefs right now.
Joey: That抯卥inda hot.
Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.
Joey: Yeah, I wouldn抰 know about that.
Phoebe: And! Y択now what Jake says? That women抯 underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he抣l be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!
Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I抦 thinking even more than you.
Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink lacys.
Phoebe: I抦 just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women抯 underwear! I don抰 think you could ever do that.
Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.
Phoebe: Okay, whatever.
Joey: You抳e seen my huge stack of porn, right? (Phoebe nods.)
[Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to the death seat and is terrified.]
Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed.
Ross: (shocked) You don抰 have a valid driver抯 license桹kay that is it! Pull over right now!
Rachel: Oh Ross you抮e so tense! You just gotta relax, okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax?(She takes her hands off of the wheel.)
Ross: (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you doing?! Are you桹kay that抯 not funny! Just stop horsing around!
Rachel: I am not horsing around, okay? I am Porsching around.
(Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)
Rachel: Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)
Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.
Rachel: Really? You think so?
Ross: I was talking to myself! You抮e going down!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachel抯 laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn抰 like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.
A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?
Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter) I抦-I抦 sorry I抦 new. I don抰?
Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?
Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)
Waiter in Drag: You抮e straight. I get it. (Walks away.)
Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.
Chandler: No! No! I don抰 want him to know we抮e here yet! I抦 not sure I抦 ready for that. And besides, he抯 not gonna be too happy to see me either.
Monica: Why not?!
Chandler: I don抰 know if I抳e told you this, but he抯 kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, he抯 made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y択now it抯 all very Cats in the Cradle桰 don抰 want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
(There抯 applause as Helena turns around and it抯 Kathleen Turner.)
Helena: Hello darlings.
Chandler: And there抯 daddy!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are waiting for the cop to come talk to them.]
Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I抣l go under, you go over!
Ross: Yeah, I抣l get right on that.
Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.)
Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I抦 sure we won抰 get arrested for this.
(She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.)
Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?
Ross: Oh my God.
Policeman: Can I see your license please?
Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Y択now, it抯 weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh厀ell I probably shouldn抰 tell you the rest.
Policeman: Your license?
Rachel: (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.
Policeman: That抯 Hanson.
Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake.
Ross: Dear Lord!!
Policeman: Wow!
Ross: Here it comes.
Policeman: This is a great picture.
Rachel: Really?! You think so? Y択now, I had just rolled out of bed.
Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.
Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!
Rachel: Y択now you抮e-you抮e probably wondering about the old date on there.
Policeman: Yes I am.
Rachel: Yeah.
Policeman: You抮e an Aquarius, huh?
Rachel: I bet you抮e a Gemini.
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Taurus?
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Virgo?
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Sagittarius?
Policeman: Yep.
Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh?
Policeman: Well I tell you what?
Rachel: Yeah?
Policeman: You抮e not gonna speed anymore right?
Rachel: I won抰 speed.
Policeman: And you promise you抣l get this taken care of right away?
Rachel: I promise.
Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
Rachel: Yeah!
Policeman: Can he handle the stick?
Rachel: Oh well?
Ross: I can handle the stick!!
[Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.]
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and?She holds the mike out to the audience.)
All: Gay!
Monica: That can抰 be your father.
Chandler: Believe me, I抳e been saying that for years. Oh my God!
Monica: What?
Chandler: That抯 Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano.
Helena: (singing) For I抦 loved by a pretty wonderful boy! (Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.)
Chandler: He抯 coming into the audience. He抯 coming into the audience.
Monica: Relax! You抣l be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. You抮e invisible now.
Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you from?
Guy: Bakersfield.
Helena: I抦 sorry? (Holds out the mike.)
Guy: Bakersfield!
Helena: No-no I heard! I抦 just sorry.
Chandler: It can抰 happen like this. Okay? I抣l meet you back at the hotel.
(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)
Helena: (to Chandler抯 back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around. Helena recognizes him.)
Monica: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter桿h, tress!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]
Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he抯 got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!
Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
Joey: Y択now, I抦 beginning to see what Jake was talking about.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: The silk? Feels really good!
Phoebe: Huh.
Joey: Yeah! And-and things aren抰 as卻mashed down as I thought they were gonna be.
Phoebe: That抯 great Joe!
Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men抯 underwear!
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You抳e got cotton, silk, lace! And y択now what I抳e always wondered about?
Phoebe: Hmm?
Joey: Pantyhose! Y択now? The way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here?(He mimed that and stops when he realizes he went too far.) I should go take these off shouldn抰 I?
Phoebe: I think it抯 important that you do.
(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)
[Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.]
Helena: So what抯 your name?
Chandler: (resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)
Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must抳e had terribly fascinating parents.
Chandler: Oh, they抮e a hoot.
Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend?
Monica: I抦-I抦 Monica.
Helena: Monica! Where are you from?
Monica: New York.
Helena: I抦 not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing Monica抯 ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who woos.) Honey! Huh?
Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.
Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When抯 the big day?
Monica: (looks at Chandler) In卛n two weeks.
Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So you抮e bald?
Chandler: Wait! Wait! We抎 really love it if you could be there.
Helena: We? (Looks at Monica who nods.)
Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma抋m.
Helena: Well I wouldn抰 miss it for the world. Oh! I抦 getting all misty here! You抎 think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on stage.)
Monica: (To Chandler) You okay?
Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.
Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life?(Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) It抯 raining men!
The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!
Helena: It抯 raining men!
The Chorus Line: Amen!
Chandler: (To Monica) When I was growing up I卲layed the one on the far left.
[Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very quickly as Ross creeps along.]
Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to someone!
Ross: Who?
Rachel: Fourth gear!!
(Suddenly a siren goes off.)
Ross: What?! What does he want?! I wasn抰 doing anything!
Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o抍lock position.
Ross: Maybe it抯 uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! (They pull over.)
Rachel: It抯 a different guy!
(The policeman walks up.)
Ross: Good evening officer.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?
Ross: Ah no. I don抰, but it could not have been more than sixty.
Policeman: You抮e right. It was 37. (Rachel laughs.)
Ross: I mean you抮e not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya?
Policeman: That抯 right.
(There抯 a pause as Ross gets suddenly flirtatious.)
Ross: Y択now of-officer I uh匢 had the weirdest dream last night?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Policeman: Your license please.
Ross: (laughs) You don抰-you don抰 want to hear about my dream Officer匬retty?
Policeman: It抯 Petty. (He grabs Ross抯 license.) I抣l be right back with your ticket. (Walks back to his car.)
Rachel: (pause) You have a son!
Ross: I know. I know.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachel抯 panties.]
Phoebe: Feel better?
Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I抦 y択now insecure about my manhood or anything y択now, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now.
Phoebe: Yeah, I understand.
Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Joey: Y択now, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
Woman: I don抰 think so.
Joey: Oh! Maybe it抯 because I抦 on television. I抦 an actor on Days of Our Lives.
Woman: Wow!
Joey: Yeah.
Woman: Really?!
Joey: Hm-mmm.
Waitress: (to the woman) $4.50 please.
Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.
End
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The One With Chandler and Monica抯 Wedding
Part I Written by: Greg Malins
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we抣l all be here in the coffee house as six single people?
Phoebe: Why?! What抯 happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)
Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the mrs. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica: Old?
Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.
Monica: That抯 much better.
Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)
Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?
Monica: We抮e gonna pick up the wedding dress, then we抮e gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)
Ross: Ah. Joey, you抮e-you抮e having lunch with my mom?
Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)
Ross: (To Chandler) Y択now what? Actually I抦 kinda glad they抮e leaving 慶ause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: What抯 up?
Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I抦 buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross: No, its匢ts not that. Umm, now what I抦 going to say to you, I抦 not saying as your friend. Okay? I抦-I抦 saying as it as Monica抯 older brother.
Chandler: But you抮e still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time卆re you, are you still my best man?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn抰 be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica抯 older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I抦-I抦-I抦 serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come桯ey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I抦-I抦 not kidding here!
Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are we協riends again?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won抰 believe what Monica抯 older brother just said to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]
Rachel: What慶ha doing Mon?
Monica: I抦 making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe: What are they?
Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bridesmaids' dresses won抰 get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don抰 have my something blue.
Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I抦 responsible for!
Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn抰 get the part?
Rachel: The commercial?
Joey: No!
Phoebe: That play?
Joey: No!
Monica: That other play?
Joey: Nooo!
Phoebe: The movie?
Joey: Yes!!
Phoebe: Ohh!
Joey: Yes, that抯 the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y択now, we called it the Great War. It really was!
Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Phoebe: Congratulations!
Rachel: Oh that抯 great!
Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can抰 start today! Today抯 the rehearsal dinner!
Joey: Oh no, I抣l be done by then.
Monica: Oh. Well then way to go, you big movie star!
Joey: I know! All right, I抣l see you guys over there! I抦 off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.
Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)
Phoebe: Go ahead.
Rachel: You抮e gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)
Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel: Mexico?
Phoebe: Yes! Very good.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]
The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We抮e ready.
Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We抮e ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby, he抯 playing Vincent.
Joey: I抦 doing my scenes with you?
Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey: Wow! I can抰 believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!
Richard: No I didn抰.
Joey: I think you did.
Richard: I think I lost. Three times.
Joey: Uh匔ookie?
The Director: (approaching) Okay! We抮e about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don抰 mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Richard: Yeah, sure.
The Director: Okay, all right. Let抯 do it. (He walks off.) And匒ction!
Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)
Joey: (wiping his face) What?!
Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!
Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!
Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
(Joey wipes his eye.)
The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?
Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh匢 th桰 thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y択now? He抯 uh, he抯 a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)
The Director: I don抰 think so. Let抯 take it back to Richard抯 last line. (Walks off.) Action!
Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]
Monica: Honey, we gotta go!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here抯 a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: (laughs) I don抰 have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we抣l be getting married?
Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.
Monica: I just, I can抰 believe that we made it!
Chandler: Well you don抰 have to sound so surprised.
Monica: I抦 sorry but卬othing.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Well卙onestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to.. to flip you out.
Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. Y択now I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I抣l go all匔handler. But nothing has.
Monica: Ohh, I抦 so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it抯 really, it抯 made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!
Chandler: Okay. I抣l be right there.
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)
Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you抮e calling before Saturday, you抳e reached Monica and Chandler. But if you抮e calling after Saturday, you抳e reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]
Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: We抮e the Bings.
(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Well I匢 told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)
Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)
(Chandler抯 Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
Chandler: Hi.
Mrs. Bing: Chandler!
Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She抯 wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)
Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there抣l be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It抯 lovely to meet you.
Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?
Mrs. Geller: Jack!
Mr. Geller: What?! I抳e never seen one before!
Monica: Dad! There抯 Ross (points), why don抰 you go talk to him?
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
Mr. Geller: I didn抰 even have a chance to act as though I抦 okay with it!
Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!
Chandler: Hi卍ad.
Monica: Hi Mr.匓ing.
Mr. Bing: Nora!
Mrs. Bing: Charles.
Monica: It-it抯 so great to see you both here.
Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren抰 you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Mrs. Bing: Don抰 you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)
[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
Mr. Geller: 卭f course you can kick his ass son.
Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone抯 ass you want to.
Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would you talk to Chandler抯 dad and try to keep him away from Chandler抯 mom?
Rachel: Yeah! But I don抰 know what he looks like!
Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel: Man in the black dress?(Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I抦 Rachel! I抦 a friend of Monica and Chandler抯!
Woman: I抦 Amanda.
Rachel: Oh I get it! A卪an卍uh!
Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone抯 attention please? I抦 uh; I抦 Ross Geller.
Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad卍ad, please! As I was saying umm, I抦 Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I抦 the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she抯 the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you抎 all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we抮e here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
All: To the Bings!
(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
Monica: All right, I抦 gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
Rachel: I抣l do it.
Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?
Rachel: I said I抣l do it!
Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I抣l do it myself.
Rachel: Monica! I抦 not gonna screw it up!
Monica: Y択now what? You抮e right, I抦 sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel: Well of course that is what I抦 here for!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)
Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]
Joey: Hey! Where have you been?
Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
Joey: Oh.
Ross: What? Are you going back to work?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Nice shades.
Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won抰 get spit in the eyes, y択now?
Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!
Joey: Great! All right. I抣l see you later. (He starts to leave.)
Ross: Hey, where抯 Chandler?
Joey: Uh, I think he抯 in Rachel抯 room. See ya. (Exits.)
Ross: (going up to Rachel抯 closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn抰 see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn抰 find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?
Rachel: She抯 steaming her dress, why? What抯 up?
Ross: I think Chandler抯 gone. (He hands her the note.)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: He left that.
Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I抦 sorry.
Phoebe: (walking up) What抯 up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I抦 sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!
Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it抯 not what we think. Maybe it抯 tell Monica I抦 sorry I卍rank the last of the milk.
Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he抯 changed his name, y択now? Tell Monica I抦 sorry.
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe: Don抰 be so negative! Good God! Isn抰 it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel抯 apartment) right now?!
Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?
Ross: Look桹kay, I抦 just gonna桰抦 gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don抰 find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]
Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He抯 holding a script.)
Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
Richard: Just the last two pages.
Joey: Alright.
(They go onto the set.)
Richard: I found the picture!
(He抯 still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)
Joey: Picture? What picture?
Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.
Joey: Okay uh, look I know you抮e a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff?
Richard: Oh, thanks.
Joey: But you抮e spittin?all over me man!
Richard: Well of course I am!
Joey: You know you抳e been spitting on me?!
Richard: That抯 what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)
Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn抰 know that.
Richard: Great!
Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]
Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: No. No, I haven抰 seen him.
Ross: Oh damn!
Gunther: He抯 getting married tomorrow, right?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Don抰 worry. Everything抯 fine. We抣l uh, we抣l see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasn抰 invited.
Ross: Well then, we抣l-we抣l see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They抮e sitting by the window.) What-what厀hat you guys doing here?!
Mr. Geller: Well, you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we抎 see what all the fuss is about.
Mrs. Geller: I certainly see why the girls like coming here.
Ross: Why?!
Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)
Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!
Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross: What? Your-your list?
Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that梠f people we抮e allowed to sleep?
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I抦 looking for him?
Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I抦 looking for her.
(Ross points at him and exits.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]
The Director: Action!
Richard: I found the picture!
Joey: What picture?!
Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Joey: You went through my personal property?
Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!
Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!
The Director: Cut! Wonderful!
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
Joey: Great scene yeah?
Richard: Oh you抮e awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
Joey: Thanks a lot.
The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here抯 your call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, I抦-I抦 not working tomorrow.
The Assistant Director: You are now.
Joey: No! No! I can抰! You gotta get me out of it! I抳e got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)
(The AD walks away wiping his face.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there抯 still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh man.
Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.
Phoebe: Okay. Well there抯 one down.
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I抦 getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don抰 care because today抯 my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
Phoebe: Y択now she might not even notice he抯 gone.
Monica: (re-entering) I抦 gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)
Rachel: God! Don抰梂e can抰 let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she抣l be in the gown and then he won抰 show up and then she抯 gonna have to take off the gown?
Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can抰 do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)
Rachel: I抦 sorry. I抦 sorry. It抯 just匢t抯 just so sad!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you抳e got to pull yourself together! Monica can抰 see you like this! Then she抣l know something抯 wrong!
Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There抯 no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that抯 gone too. This is Monica抯 bathroom right?!
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: No-no! I-I匢 found one.
Rachel: Okay.
(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?
Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)
Rachel: Oh God I just cannot imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn抰 show up!
Phoebe: Oh here抯 a whole bunch.
Rachel: Oh, I mean she抯 gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y択now? Then she抣l have to come back here and live all alone.
Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it抯 positive. Monica抯 pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won抰 be totally alone.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler抯 bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I know! Monica抯 gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?
Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.
Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I抦 still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)
Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone about this.
Phoebe: Right.
Rachel: Okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?
Rachel: No. Why?
Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel: Anything?
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn抰 heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler抯 parents again!
Phoebe: You told them he was missing?
Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I抦 interested in them.
Rachel: All right, we抳e got to tell her he抯 gone. (Starts to leave.)
Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can抰!
Rachel: Ross, she抯 gonna start getting ready soon!
Ross: Well, can抰 you at least stall her a little? I抣l-I抣l go back to some of the places I went last night.
Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?
Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?
Rachel: One hour.
Ross: Give me two.
Rachel: Then why do you ask?!
(They all go into the hallway.)
Ross: Okay, wish me luck.
Phoebe: Okay. I抦 going with you.
Ross: Why?!
Phoebe: Ross, you抮e tired. You抳e been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Rachel: All right, I抣l see you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you抮e going to stall her?
Rachel: I抣l figure something out.
Phoebe: All right. Good luck.
Rachel: Thanks.
(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler抯.)
Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we抎 start with my make up and then do my hair.
Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.
Monica: About what?
Rachel: Umm?I抦 never gonna getting married!
Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?
Rachel: No Monica! I抦 serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.
Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]
Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn抰 supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It抯 my best friend抯, and I抦 officiating so I really can抰 work past four.
The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can抰 stop filming just for you. It抯 not like it抯 your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)
Joey: I抦 having surgery!
The Director: What?!
Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn抰 want you to worry about me. But, I抦 having surgery today.
The Director: What kind of surgery?!
Joey: Transplant.
The Director: But you抮e supposed to work on Monday.
Joey: Hair transplant.
The Director: But you抮e not bald.
Joey: It抯 not on my head.
The Director: Look Joey, there抯 nothing I can do. Besides, you抮e probably gonna be out by four anyway. We抳e just got one short scene. It抯 just you and Richard, and God knows he抯 a pro. You抣l be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: Hey! You抮e here! Great! Great! Great! Let抯 get going buddy, we抳e got a scene to shoot!
Richard: I抦 wearing two belts.
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No!
Joey: Yes you are!
Richard: All right.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]
Ross: We are never gonna find him! He抯 one guy in a huge city!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)
Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!
Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y択now.
Ross: Aw, y択now匶択now, maybe we抮e-we抮e just approaching this all wrong. If you抮e Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you抎 go?
[Cut to an office building.]
Ross: So this is your office?
Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should抳e hid at the gym!
Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!
Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I抦 related to Monica. How is she?
Ross: She抯 fine. She doesn抰 know you抮e gone. And she doesn抰 have to know, okay? Now come on, we抮e going home.
Chandler: No! No! No! I can抰 do that!
Phoebe: Why not?!
Chandler: Because if I go home, we抮e gonna become the Bings! I can抰 be the Bings!
Ross: What抯 wrong with being the Bings?
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Chandler: It抯 not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody抯! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I抳e met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don抰 race cars! I don抰 make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now no-one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.
Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I抦 afr匢t抯 too huge.
Ross: Y択now, okay. You抮e right. It is huge. So why don抰 we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
Chandler: Well yeah, but then?
Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah桸o-but-but-but-but! We抮e just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that抯 not scary right?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]
Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that抯 every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again?
Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I抦 sorry! I have to start getting ready! I抦 getting married today!
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That抯 such a hard time for me.
Monica: (getting up) I抦 gonna go put my make-up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Okay. But wait!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: Let抯 go to lunch.
Monica: I can抰 go to lunch!!
Rachel: Right.
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)
Rachel: Oh good God! I抳e fallen down! (She trips and falls.)
Monica: (entering) What抯 going on?
Rachel: Okay. Alright. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I抦 about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.
Monica: Okay, you抮e-you抮e really freaking me out.
Rachel: We can抰 find Chandler?Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)棏s vest. We can抰 find Chandler抯 vest.
Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!
Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we抮e gonna have to keep an eye on it, y択now make sure we don抰 lose it again?
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don抰 scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!"
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: That can be arranged.
(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)
The Director: Let抯 reset.
Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!
The Director: Let抯 take it from there.
Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It抯 going terribly slowly.
Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I抦 the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?
Richard: Of course! I抦-I抦 sorry. I-I抎 hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!
Joey: Thank you. Thank you.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!
[Scene: The Hotel, Monica抯 room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]
Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?
(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)
Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.
(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)
Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!
Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.
Rachel: You look so beautiful.
Monica: (starting to cry) I抦 so happy for me.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello?
Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?
Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everything抯 fine.
Joey: Damnit!
Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?
Joey: I抦 still on the set!
Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!
Joey: I know! I抦 sorry! The guy抯 drunk, they won抰 let me go until we get this.
Rachel: Oh my God! I抦 gonna have to find another minister.
Joey: No! No, I抦 the minister! Alright, look-look, put 慹m both on the phone, I抣l marry them right now.
Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.
Joey: Hey! Don抰 you hang up on me! I抣l marry you and me right now! I have the power!
(She hangs up anyway.)
[Scene: Chandler抯 Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]
Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn抰 so scary, was it?
Chandler: No.
Ross: I抦 telling you, just a little bit at a time.
Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what抯 the next little bit?
Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you抳e done everything else!
Chandler: Yeah. You抮e right. Hey I-I can do that.
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)
Ross: Wh桯ey梂hoa-whoa, where, where you going?!
Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.
Ross: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)
Chandler: Oh fresh air!
(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you抮e overreacting! You do that y択now.
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, y択now. I mean there抯 no way Joey抯 gonna make it in time. So I抦 gonna go through the hotel and see if there抯 any other weddings going on.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don抰 tell them Monica抯 pregnant because they frown on that.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he抯 so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]
Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It抯 a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (He抯 wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?
The Rabbi: I don抰 know. Are they Greek Orthodox?
Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. They抮e卼hey抮e-they抮e my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.
[Scene: Monica抯 Hotel Room, Chandler and Monica抯 parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?
Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.
Ross: He-he was with me umm, we抮e playing a little game, y択now? Hide and seek.
Mr. Geller: You can抰 ask us son, that抯 cheating.
Ross: (pause) You抮e right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.
Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can抰 see the bride in the wedding dress.
Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, it抯 not bad luck then.
Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isn抰 good luck.
(Monica enters.)
Ross: Oh my God! Monica!
Monica: I know! Hey, how抯 Chandler doin?
Ross: Great. He抯 doing great. Don抰 you worry about Chandler.
Monica: Are you okay?
Ross: Uh-huh.
Monica: Well, you抮e-you抮e sweating.
Ross: These-these are beads of joy.
Monica: Oh that抯 sweet. Don抰 touch me.
Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
(They both go out into the hall.)
Phoebe: What抯 going on?
Ross: Chandler抯 gone again!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!
(Ross just glares at her.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]
Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy抯 hammered!
The Director: I抦 sorry Joey, as long as he抯 here and he抯 conscious we抮e still shooting.
(He walks away and Joey does Ross抯 fist thing. He then enters Richard抯 dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)
Richard: You wouldn抰 happen to have a very big fork?
Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That抯 it, we抮e done for the day.
Richard: Well have we finished the scene?
Joey: Yeah! You厃ou were wonderful.
Richard: As were you.
Joey: So I got your car, it抯 right outside.
Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?
Joey: That抯 what you told me.
Richard: Oh, thank you. You抮e welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)
Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a fireman抯 carry and carries him out.) Here we go.
Richard: Is that my ass? (He抯 looking at Joey抯.)
(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.)
[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]
Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!
Chandler: What?
(Ross runs over and tackles him.)
Phoebe: Hey! Oh!
Ross: You抮e not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!
Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)
Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) I抦 serious! You抮e not walking out on my sister!
Chandler: (standing up) That抯 right! I抦 not!
Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!
Chandler: I know about Monica.
Phoebe: You know?!
Ross: What?
Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.
Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!
Chandler: You don抰 know?
Ross: Know what桰f somebody doesn抰 tell me what抯 going on right now?
Phoebe: What? You抣l hi-ya?
Chandler: Monica抯 pregnant.
Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you抮e-you抮e厃ou抮e not freaking out?
Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes?
Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!
Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that抯 when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y択now what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can抰 be scary.
Phoebe: Well you obviously didn抰 see Chucky 3.
Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she抎 know I was okay.
Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)
(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)
Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew you抎 find him!
[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. It抯 time for Monica and Chandler抯 wedding. We抳e got violins playing Every Breath You Take, we抳e got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.]
Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.
Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!
Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I抦 so glad you're here. (He kisses his mom.)
(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)
The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?
Chandler: Are you Joey?
(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)
Ross: Huh. This is nice.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I抳e never walked down the aisle knowing it can抰 end in divorce.
(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish your grandmother had lived to see this.
Monica: She抯 right there.
Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.
Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)
(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)
Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)
Monica: Not now.
Chandler: Okay.
(They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.)
Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?
The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.
Chandler: (in Monica抯 ear) He抯 Greek Orthodox.
Rachel: (leaning in) As are you?
The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved?
Joey: (entering) That抯 my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, I抦 sorry I抦 a little late. You may be confused by this now, (He抯 still in costume) but you won抰 be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let抯 get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I抳e known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I抳e left my notes in my dressing room, we shall proceed to the vows. Monica?
(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)
Monica: (To Rachel) He took off?
Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.)
Monica: Chandler, for so long I匢 wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I抎 ever been looking for my whole life. And now卙ere we are厀ith our future before us卆nd I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don抰 want to. You go!
Joey: Chandler?
(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)
Chandler: (To Ross) No, that抯 okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way, it抯 okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I抦 sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)
Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?
Chandler: I do.
Monica: I do.
Joey: Yeah you do!
Ross: Rings?
Joey: Aw crap! Okay梪h卽h let抯-let抯 do the rings.
(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each other抯 fingers.)
Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again.
(They kiss and everyone applauds.)
Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.
Monica: What baby?
Chandler: Our baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn抰 take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then厀ho did?
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Phoebe: Oh and they抮e gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)
[Fade to black.]
Ending Credits
{Transcriber抯 Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.}
End |