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The One After "I Do"
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Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said "I do," and the photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.]
Photographer: Great. (Takes a picture.) Great! Just give me a sec to change film.
Monica: Okay.
Ross: (To Monica) Okay, I know I抦 not supposed to know, but I do. And I抦 so excited for you!
Joey: What? What抯 going on?
Ross: Monica抯 pregnant!
Joey: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?!
Monica: Guys! I抦 not pregnant.
Joey: Ah. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers? (Chandler looks at him.)
Ross: What?! What do you mean? You-you-you抮e not pregnant?
Monica: You didn抰 tell anybody I was did you?!
Ross: No! (Pause) I抣l be right back. (Exits.)
Photographer: Now why don抰 we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody soldier.
Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
Joey: I can抰! I-I don抰 have any other clothes here.
Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that doesn抰 say I-I died tragically in France. (Joey leaves to find clothes.)
Photographer: Well then why don抰 we see the bride and the groom and the bridemaids.
Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe and Rachel join Monica and Chandler on the altar.) Hey Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren抰 pregnant?
Monica: Because I抦 not.
Phoebe: We found your test in the trash, if you抮e not pregnant?She sees Rachel shaking her head)桰t抯 because I am.
(Flash, the photographer takes a picture of Monica and Chandler抯 stunned faces.)
Chandler: What?! What are you talking about?
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Yes, I匢 am with child. (Flash) And I didn抰 want to say anything because it抯 your day; I didn抰 want to steal your thunder.
Monica: Wait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! (Flash) Does this look like a conversation that I want to remember?!
Chandler: Who抯 the father?
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: I can抰 say.
Monica: Why?!
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: I can抰 say because he抯 famous.
Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her eyes.)
Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
Phoebe: Okay, okay. It抯 James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
Chandler: As in Barbara Streisand抯 husband James Brolin?
Phoebe: What?! Well he never said that to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, continued from earlier.]
Photographer: Why don抰 we have Monica step away and we抣l get Chandler and the bridemaids.
Phoebe: How about just the bridemaids?
Chandler: Y択now I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal.
Phoebe: It is.
Rachel: For you. (Chandler leaves.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can抰 deal with this just quite yet.
Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant.
Rachel: You said that she was, I just didn抰 disagree with you.
Phoebe: Sneaky.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Photographer: Smile ladies.
Rachel: Oh! (They smile and the picture is taken.) Oh by the way?
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Rachel: James Brolin?
Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I remembered he抯 gay.
Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.
Phoebe: (intrigued) Really?!
[Scene: The Reception Hall, the party is in full swing.]
Bandleader: Thank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing!
(They enter.)
Chandler: Before we go out there I抳e got a present for ya.
Monica: Honey, I抦 going to put my hand in your pocket!
Chandler: No?
Monica: No.
Chandler: I抳e been taking dancing lessons.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never forget.
Monica: Oh that is so sweet!
Chandler: So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?
Monica: Yes.
(They walk onto the dance floor and Chandler slips and almost falls.)
Monica: What抯 the matter?
Chandler: I don抰 know, it抯 these new shoes, they抮e all slippery.
Monica: Well, are you going to be able to do this?
Chandler: Not well.
(They start dancing and Chandler starts slipping around.)
Monica: Well, the good news is, I don抰 think anyone抯 looking at us.
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel at their table.]
Phoebe: So, are you ready to talk about it?
Rachel: No.
(Pause)
Phoebe: Now?
Rachel: No!
Phoebe: Okay, we抣l talk about something else then.
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: Who抯 the father?!
Rachel: Ugh! Look honey y択now what? I haven抰 told him yet, so until I do I don抰 think I should tell anybody else.
Phoebe: Yeah. That抯 fine. That抯 fair. Is it Tag?
Rachel: Phoebe!!
Phoebe: Okay, I抦 sorry. I抣l stop.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Is it Ross? It抯 Ross isn抰 it桹h my God, it抯 Joey!
Rachel: Honey, stop it! I am not going to tell you until I tell him.
Phoebe: Ah-hah! At least we know it抯 a him.
[Cut to Joey entering wearing a preppy tennis outfit.]
Monica: (seeing him) Oh sweet Lord.
Joey: I抦 sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift shop and it抯 either this or a bathrobe! Look, what抯 more important, the way I抦 dressed or me being with you on your special day?
Monica: Honey, I抦 not even going to pretend I was listening. (Sees someone else.) Hey! Hey! (Goes over to that person.)
[Cut to the hallway outside the room, Ross is going to see which table he抯 at and sees a beautiful woman doing the same thing.]
Ross: Hi. I抦 uh, I抦 Ross. I don抰, I don抰 believe we抳e met. I抦 Monica抯 older brother.
Woman: Oh hi, I抦, I抦 Mona from her restaurant.
Ross: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. (He uses his card to mouth those words.) (Pause) Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name.
Mona: You think so? I抳e always kinda hated it.
Ross: Aw come on, Mona Lisa?
Mona: Uh-huh.
Ross: Mona umm匔lickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no she抯 uh梬ell she抯 dead now. No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about her.
Ross: Linda Clickclocken. (Pause) So what uh, what-what table are you at? (She shows him.) Oh, uh me too.
Mona: Oh good. Now there抣l be someone there who likes my name.
Ross: (sexily) Yes there will. (Mona leaves and Ross tries to find the same table.) Oh guess what, Molly Gilbert you抳e just been bumped up to table one. And if it抯 all right with you I抦 gonna take your place at table six桵artin Clickclocken.
[Cut back inside to Joey giving a beautiful woman a tennis lesson by standing behind her.]
Joey: That抯 better, now just bend your arms a little more. There you go. Okay, look straight ahead. Now this time I want you to really put your ass into it. (They do a practice swing and she really puts her ass into it.)
[Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey as his mom walks over. His birth mother, not the mother who recently visited one of those clinics in Sweden.]
Mrs. Bing: Chandler darling! Look, my date has finally arrived. I抎 like you to meet Dennis Phillips.
Dennis Phillips: Congratulations.
Chandler: Thank you.
Mrs. Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover.
Chandler: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so.
Dennis Phillips: Oh, I抦 so sorry I missed the ceremony, I was stuck at auditions.
Mrs. Bing: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show.
Joey: I don抰 believe we抳e met, Joey Tribbiani.
Dennis Phillips: Dennis Phillips
Joey: Wow, I抳e admired your work for years. You-you抳e done some really amazing stuff.
Dennis Phillips: Oh, thank you. Well if you抣l excuse me, I抦 gonna go get myself a drink. Be back in a moment. (Walks away.)
Joey: Wow Dennis Phillips! That抯 great! How did you guys meet?
Mrs. Bing: Well, it抯 a funny story.
Chandler: Funny: ha-ha or funny: (Mimes blowing his brain out.)
[Time lapse. The band is finishing another song.]
Bandleader: Thank you, thank you very much. If everyone will please take your seats, dinner will be served.
(Ross starts looking for table six and finds out that it抯 the kid抯 table. He sees Mona sitting at another table.)
Ross: Hey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at table six.
Mona: No, nine. (Shows him the card again.)
Ross: Oh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way (he turns her hand upside down) which uh, which was misleading. Well I抦?(He goes at sits down at his new table and the kids stare at him.) Hello.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is putting tape on the bottom of his shoes.]
Joey: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips? 慍ause if I can get in a Broadway show then I would抳e done it all, film, television, and theater. The only think left would be radio, and that抯 just for ugly people.
Chandler: What size shoes do you wear?
Joey: Uh, eleven, eleven and a half.
Chandler: Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume?
Joey: Uh, I don抰 even really know where I left those. Sorry.
Chandler: (looking at Joey抯 feet) Those aren抰 eleven and a half.
Joey: Okay fine! I抦 a seven! All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good, I抣l show ya!
[Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.]
Monica: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?!
Rachel: Oh y択now what honey? Let抯 not talk about that right now?
Monica: This is so huge.
Rachel: Sure, but come on, as big as your wedding?
Monica: Of course not nothing is. Between me and you?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: 卛n this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
Rachel: Hey! Y択now, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they抮e supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!
Monica: How?
Rachel: I don抰 know! Maybe they have tools.
Monica: Well I-I talked to and uh, she抯 definitely going to have this baby. Y択now, she said she was gonna raise it on her own.
Rachel: Well, maybe that抯, maybe that抯 really brave.
Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it抯 gonna be.
Rachel: Maybe she hasn抰 really thought it through that well.
Monica: Well, there抯 a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize she抯 not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years?
Rachel: (starting to cry) I don抰 know.
Monica: Are you okay?
Rachel: Uh-hmm. I抦 just thinking about Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe.
Waiter: Champagne?
Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you very much! (She grabs a glass, takes a sip, and realizes what she just did. She then tries to spit the champagne back into the glass without Monica noticing. It doesn抰 work.) Oh that抯-that抯 actually how the French drink it.
(Monica gasps.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: continued from earlier, only now Phoebe joins them.]
Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin?
Monica: Oh really?!
Phoebe: Yes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would leave her for me. And I said, "James, James Brolin, are you sure?" James Brolin said?
Monica: (interrupting) Rachel抯 really the one who抯 pregnant.
Phoebe: (shocked) What?! (deadpan) Why bother?
Monica: How do you feel?
Rachel: I don抰 know. I don抰 know how I feel. This is all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don抰 want to make. (Takes another sip of champagne and spits it back out) Somebody just take this away from me!!
Phoebe: Calm down. Maybe you抮e not pregnant.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times just to make sure.
Monica: Yes! Maybe it抯 a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
Phoebe: I抦-I抦 just saying, don抰 freak out until you抮e a hundred percent sure.
Rachel: All right, I抣l-I抣l take it again when I get home.
Monica: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present to me.
Rachel: Okay. Thank you.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: I抣l run out and get you one.
Rachel: Oh, you guys are so great.
Monica: Oh, wait a minute! Who抯 is the father?!
Phoebe: Oh no, she won抰 tell us.
Monica: Oh, come on it抯 my wedding! That can be my present.
Rachel: Wh桯ey, I just gave you peeing on a stick.
Phoebe: See? This is why you register.
[Cut to Ross at the kiddie table. He reaches for something and a fart noise emanates which causes the kids to laugh.]
Ross: It was the chair again! Okay? I抦 not doing it! It what條ook, I don抰梱択now what梕h-eh?(He walks away and goes over to Mona.) Hi.
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Umm, would you like to dance?
Mona: Sure.
Ross: Yeah?
Mona: Yeah.
Ross: Oh great! (They get up to dance and Ross is interrupted by a little girl.)
Little Girl: Dr. Geller?
Ross: I wasn抰 farting! (To Mona) Uh, a little game from our table. (To the little girl) Yes?
Little Girl: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?
Ross: Oh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later. Right now, I抦 about to dance with this lady.
Little Girl: Okay. (She drops her head in disappointment and walks away.)
Mona: Ohhhh!
Ross: Uh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldn抰 mind letting you go first.
Mona: I抎 be happy to. (To Ross) You are very sweet.
Ross: Yes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why don抰 we try it my special way? You can dance on my feet.
Little Girl: Sure!
Ross: Yeah? Hop on. (They start dancing and Mona sits down.) Is the pretty lady looking?
Little Girl: Uh-huh.
Ross: Keep dancing.
[Cut to Chandler in the hallway practicing dancing and is doing it very well.]
Chandler: And the world will never know.
Joey: Hey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet?
Chandler: Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives.
Joey: No-no! No! No! You don抰 tell a Broadway guy that! Now he just thinks I抦 a soap actor.
Chandler: But you抮e not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.
Joey: Hey!
[Joey walks back inside just as Ross抯 dance is finishing.]
Little Girl: Thank you.
Ross: No-no, thank you Miranda.
Little Girl: Melinda!
Ross: All right. (Walks over to Mona.)
Mona: How cute was that?
Ross: Oh-oh, were you, were you watching?
(Another little girl walks over to him.)
Second Girl: Can I go next?
Ross: What? Of course you can! Hop on!
Mona: Okay, but I get to hop on after her. (Ross bites the air in response.)
Ross: I am so gonna score.
Second Girl: What?
Ross: I like your bow.
[Behind them, Joey goes up to the bandleader and interrupts the song.]
Joey: (clinks his glass) I抎 like to propose a toast. To Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, my when I first found out they were getting married I was, I was a little angry. I was like, (overly angry) "Why God? Why? How can you take them away from me?!" But then I thought back over all our memories together, some happy memories. (Does a fake laugh.) And-and there was some sad memories. (Starts to break down and cry.) I抦 sorry. And-and some scared memories梂hoa! (He jumps back, startled.) Eh? And then, and then I realized I抣l always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. (Starts to walk away, but realizes something.) Oh! To the happy couple!
[Time Lapse, the interrupted song is finishing.]
Bandleader: Thank you.
Ross: (to the second girl) That was very nice Ashley.
Ashley: Can we do it again?
Ross: No-no. (Walks over to Mona again.)
Mona: So, is it my turn now?
(A large little fat girl walks over.)
Fat Girl: I抦 next!
Ross: Oh! (Recoils in horror.)
Mona: Uh, that抯 okay. You can dance with her first.
Ross: Oh, you-you sure? (She nods yes.) Okay. (To the girl) Okay. So what抯 uh, what抯 your name.
Fat Girl: Gert!
Ross: That抯, that抯 pretty. (They start to dance and Gert tries to step on Ross抯 feet, but he pulls them out of harm抯 way.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing there Gert?
Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it.
Ross: Okay. (Swallows hard.) Hop on Gert. (She does and Ross winces in pain.)
Gert: Why aren抰 you moving your feet?
Ross: I抦 trying. (He strains to move his feet.)
Gert: Faster! You抮e not going fast enough!
Ross: Maybe I should stand on your feet! (Gert抯 shocked and Ross realizes what he said and tries to brush it off.)
[Cut to Joey going over to talk to Dennis Phillips.]
Joey: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there?
Dennis Phillips: Oh my God, that was for my benefit?
Joey: Well, I抎 like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I know you抮e casting for this new show?
Dennis Phillips: Look umm Joey, I-I don抰 think you抮e quite right for this project.
Joey: Oh, see that抯 where you抮e wrong. Whatever it is I can do it. And if didn抰 see it up there, just-just try me.
Dennis Phillips: It抯 an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese?
Joey: Well I抦 not proud of this, but?(He turns around and starts to mess with his eyelids.)
Dennis Phillips: Oh my God! No-no-no! Please! Please! Don抰-don抰-don抰!
[Cut to Monica walking up to Chandler.]
Monica: Hey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor?
Chandler: Did it turn into sand?
Monica: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come on, you抣l be fine. (She starts to walk towards the floor.)
Chandler: (sliding up behind her) No. No, I won抰. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn抰 want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
Monica: Oh sweetie, you can never embarrass me. (Chandler grunts.) Okay, you can easily embarrass me. But come on, it doesn抰 matter. All right? I married you! So I want to dance on my wedding night with my husband. Come on. (They go onto the floor.) Just try not to move your feet at all. (Chandler starts to get into the groove and bust a move.) There you go.
(Mr. Geller dances over.)
Mr. Geller: Chandler, I抦 gonna have you arrested.
Chandler: Why?
Mr. Geller: You stole my moves. (He starts to dance like Chandler was and Chandler stops.)
[Scene: The Women抯 Restroom, Rachel and Phoebe are waiting for the outcome of Rachel抯 second test.]
Rachel: How much longer?
Phoebe: 30 seconds.
Rachel: 30 seconds, okay.
Monica: (entering) Did I miss it? (Phoebe nods no.) Rachel, I-I want you to know that, if it抯 positive, we抮e gonna?
Rachel: Oh I know. I know. (They hug.)
Phoebe: It抯 time.
(Another woman starts to enter.)
The Girls: No!! (The woman backs out.)
Monica: Go ahead Rach.
(She goes over to look.)
Rachel: Oh wait! Y択now what? I can抰, I can抰 look at it. I can抰. Somebody else tell me, somebody tell me.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Umm, it抯 negative.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It抯 negative.
Rachel: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! (Pause) That is梩hat抯 great梩hat is really great-great news. (Pause) Y択now 慶ause the whole not being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way it was supposed to be. (Starts to cry.) God.
Monica: Well?Well, great.
Phoebe: Here. (Gives Rachel a tissue.)
Rachel: Thanks. (Crying) God this is so stupid! (Pause) How could I be upset over something I never had? It抯 negative?
Phoebe: No, it抯 positive.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: It抯-it抯 not negative, it抯 positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before.
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Oh God?
Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel: Oh-oh, that抯 a risky little game!
Monica: Are you really gonna do this?
Rachel: Yeah. I抦 gonna have a baby. I抦 gonna have a baby. I抦 gonna have a baby! (They all hug.)
Phoebe: With who?
Rachel: Ah, it抯 still not the time.
Dedicated to the People of New York City
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Reception, Joey is helping Ross walk after Gert got through with him and Mona is looking on concerned.]
Ross: I just didn抰 see the fast song coming.
Joey: Shh. Shh. Don抰 try to talk, we抣l get you up to your room, we抣l soak your feet, you抣l be okay.
Ross: Oh, thank you.
Mona: That is so sweet!
Joey: Yeah.
Mona: No, I mean it. There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.
Joey: Tell me about it, I feel like I抦 holding down the fort all by myself.
Mona: It抯 Joey right?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Wait a minute! No! I抦 the nice one! I抦 the one who danced with the kids all night! How匟ow small are your feet?! (They all look down.)
End
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