|
The One With The Stripper
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is getting coffee.]
Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Rachel: I抦 having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?
Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he抯 kinda sexy.
Rachel: Oh no, no, I抣l be there too.
Phoebe: Okay so, we抣l just come up with some kind of signal if it抯 going well you can take off.
Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven抰 told him I抦 pregnant yet.
Phoebe: Oh. Why not?
Rachel: 慍ause I know he抯 gonna flip out and I hate it when he抯 angry.
Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so 慞apa don抰 preach.?
Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he抎 make me eat the entire pack.
Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: Gosh. I抦 not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. (They both sit down by the rest of the gang and Phoebe recognizes a man by the window.) Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him.
Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you don抰!
Rachel: (panicking) No you don抰.
Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He抯 the stripper from your bachelorette party!!
Chandler: Her what?!!
Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party?
Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?!
Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. (Pause) Somebody stop me!
Chandler: I thought we weren抰 gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y択now, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.
Joey: It抯 a grand tradition!
Monica: I抦 sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!
Rachel: Well you could抳e untied it with your hands.
Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn抰 allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner!
Chandler: You went home with the waitress.
Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.
Chandler: I can抰 believe you didn抰 tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!
Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is looking at the menu.]
Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I don抰 eat meat.
Dr. Green: It抯 chicken.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don抰 eat that either.
Dr. Green: I抣l never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell me厀hat is new with you.
Rachel: Well actually umm?
Waiter: (interrupting) Your ?4 Lafite sir.
Dr. Green: ?4?! I ordered the ?5! That抯 a magnificent wine! The ?4 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiter抯 dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you抮e a waiter?
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn抰 wait on you tonight! (Runs off.)
Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don抰 be such a baby! (Goes after him)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didn抰 notice, that is a scary man.
Phoebe: He抯 right though, the ?4 is absolute piss.
Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can抰 tell him Phoebe. I can抰, I can抰, I can抰, I can抰?
Phoebe: Rachel!
Rachel: No it抯 okay, this is what抯 gonna happen. I抦 gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him.
Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?
Rachel: Hey, that is the卋aby抯 problem. (Dr. Green returns.) Oh, everything okay with the waiter?
Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.
Rachel: Well?Umm, I got TiVo.
Dr. Green: What抯 TiVo?
Phoebe: It抯 slang for pregnant.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?
Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah.
Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don抰 tell me it抯 her! (Points at Phoebe.)
Rachel: No, it抯 Ross. It抯 Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy, I hope you抮e okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You抮e gonna桾his is your first grandchild! You抮e gonna be a poppy!
Dr. Green: That抯 true.
Rachel: Yeah.
Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, I抦 gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing) So when is the wedding?
Rachel: Who?
Dr. Green: The wedding! There抯 going to be a wedding. Young lady, don抰 you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
Rachel: February 2nd!
(Dr. Green exhales in relief.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with Mona.]
Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today.
Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little.
Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y択now take it all in.
Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
Mona: So, I gotta get going.
Ross: Okay, I-I抣l see you tonight.
Mona: Yeah.
Ross: Okay, bye.
(They kiss and she starts to leave.)
Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing! (She leaves.)
Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed!
Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How抯 it going?
Ross: Ah, it抯 good. It抯 going good. I mean, we get along great. She抯, she抯 so?
Joey: Hot?
Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!
Chandler: She抯 okay with Rachel and the baby?
Ross: Well I匢 haven抰 actually told her yet. I don抰 want to scare her off, y択now?
Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you抮e going down the same path, but you抮e really going down different ones.
Joey: I抦 gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you抮e gonna have a bachelor party.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?!
Chandler: Honey! That抯 crazy! I don抰 want you to get me a stripper?
Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!
Monica: Come on! Come on, it抣l be fun! It抣l make me feel so much better.
Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it抯 a little creepy. Y択now? I抦 not a bachelor anymore.
Monica: So don抰 think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a卆 two month anniversary present.
Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.)
Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked!
Chandler: All right fine! But I抦 only doing this for you!
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: And Joey.
Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite?
Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can抰 even make it. I抦 seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Joey: (on cell phone) I抦 sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby?
[Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not at the table.]
Phoebe: I抦 sorry I won抰 be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I抦 really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn抰 want him to start yelling at me like I was some ?4 Latour.
Phoebe: It抯 Lafite. The ?4 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
Rachel: All right here he comes. I抦 gonna do this, I抦 gonna tell him, I抦 gonna be strong.
Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.
Rachel: Yeah?
Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.
Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs him and Phoebe glares at her.) Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down.
Dr. Green: What is it sweetie?
Rachel: There抯 not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.
Dr. Green: What?!
Rachel: I抦 sorry daddy.
Dr. Green: I don抰 believe this!!
Rachel: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please.
Dr. Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross won抰 marry you?! That抯 it! Is that it?!
Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says I抦 damaged goods.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler抯 bachelor party has begun, what there is of it, with only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and Chandler (wearing what appears to be a Burger King paper crown) enjoying a nice product placement of Budweisers on ice.]
Joey: So you uh, nervous about getting married?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Look, look let抯 pretend it抯 a real bachelor party. Okay? Y択now? Before your wedding. Come on, it抣l be fun.
Chandler: Okay. I can抰 believe tomorrow抯 the big day.
Joey: How does it feel knowing you抮e never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing you抮e gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death.
Chandler: You抮e right, this is more fun.
(There抯 a knock on the door.)
Joey: That抯 her! Okay, come on! (They go over and open the door.)
Stripper: Hi!
Chandler: Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.)
Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
Joey: Uh, that-that抯-that抯 me!
Chandler: That抯 me.
Joey: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan.
Stripper: So is that a bedroom? (Points to the guestroom.)
Chandler: Yeah, yeah right over there.
Stripper: All right, whenever you抮e ready. (She goes into the bedroom.)
Chandler: That was weird.
Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom?
Stripper: I抦 waiting.
(They both slowly enter the bedroom and quickly walk back out.)
Chandler: So she抯 a?
Joey: Yeah, that抯 one naked hooker!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Mona are sitting on the couch.]
Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from? (A statue from the top of his apothecary table.)
Ross: Uh that抯 an eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta.
Mona: Oh wow! So, you抮e more than just dinosaurs.
Ross: So much more.
(They start making out and she kicks the eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta off of his apothecary table from the days of yore and the magical city of White Plains.)
Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! I抦 so sorry!
Ross: Aw forget it, it抯 from Pier One. (There抯 an angry knock on the door.) Sorry. (Goes and opens the door to an irate Dr. Green.)
Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I抦 gonna kill you!!
Ross: Y択now this is actually not a great time for me.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!
Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
Ross: Who did?!
Dr. Green: You did!
Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That抯 what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care桰-I love Rachel.
Mona: What?!
Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean匢 mean I抦 not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
Dr. Green: Oh really? That抯 how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
Mona: Wh?
Ross: (To Mona) But I didn抰 want to.
Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!
Mona: Tramp?!
Ross: I抦 sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the now naked hooker in the guestroom.]
Chandler: I can抰 believe there is a naked hooker in there!
Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe she抯 a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she抯 supposed to do.
Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Ma抋m, are you also a stripper?
Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that抯 gonna cost extra. Okay, here抯 the extras, handcuffs, spanking?(Chandler grunts for her not to continue and Joey pulls him back into the kitchen.)
Joey: Maybe Monica抯 playing a joke on ya. Y択now? Getting her own husband a hooker, that抯 pretty funny.
Chandler: That is funny, maybe for my birthday she抣l murder someone.
Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy.
Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
Chandler: Oh actually, I抎 rather you匶eah, go ahead. We抮e gonna have to burn that room down anyway.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
Ross: I was going to tell you, but?
Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you抎 get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!
Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he抯 trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green.) Can I just?(Dr. Green glares at him.) Why don抰 we just let the machine get that?
Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. It抯 Joey. There抯 a hooker over here and we thought maybe you抎 know something about it.
Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-I桰 need to, I need to lie down.
[Scene: Monica抯 Restaurant抯 Kitchen, she抯 cooking as one of her waiters, Stu, comes over to talk to her.]
Stu: So, tonight抯 the night of the big bachelor party?
Monica: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that girl抯 number.
Stu: No problem. So who抯 the party for?
Monica: My husband.
Stu: You hired your husband a hooker?
Monica: She抯 a stripper.
Stu: No, she抯 a hooker.
Monica: Is that, is that what they call strippers sometimes?
Stu: When they抮e hookers.
Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I can抰 believe you did this! Now are you absolutely sure she抯 a hooker?
Stu: Either that or she抯 just the best, most expensive date I ever had.
(Monica runs out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still deciding what to do about the hooker.]
Joey: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
Chandler: Why would she do that?
Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything you抮e really bad at y択now, sexually?
Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever!
Hooker: What抯 taking you boys so long?
Joey: In a minute!
Chandler: (To Joey) In a minute? What抯 gonna happen in a minute?!
Joey: All right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave.
Chandler: Why me?!
Joey: Hey! It抯 your bachelor party.
Chandler: Which is why you should do it.
Joey: I don抰 want to. You do it!
Chandler: You do it!
Joey: You do it!
Chandler: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! (Joey smirks.) What?
Joey: I miss this.
Chandler: I don抰 think we抳e actually done this before!
Joey: No, I-I miss hanging out with you.
Chandler: Well we厀e still hang out.
Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me used to be inseparable. Y択now now it抯 like卼hings are different.
Chandler: Well y択now, things are different. I抦匢抦 married now.
Joey: Oh sure桝nd hey, don抰 get me wrong, I am so happy for you guys. I just匢 miss卙anging out卝ust-just us, y択now?
Chandler: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we抣l make time to hang out with each other.
Joey: You got it. Come here. (They hug and are observed by the hooker.)
Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.)
Monica: (entering quickly) She抯 a hooker! She抯 a hooker! She抯 a?(Stops as she sees her.) Hi! Uh, we spoke on the phone. (Goes and shakes the hooker抯 hand.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are at the counter as Ross enters.]
Ross: So your dad dropped by. He抯 a pleasant man!
Rachel: (quietly) Oh no?
Phoebe: I抎 better go. (She goes and sits down in the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000, the chair that Sit magazine called chair of the year, and they both look at her.) Just over here: I don抰 want to miss the fight.
Rachel: Ross I抦 so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail.
Ross: I don抰 care about your dad! I care about Mona! She was there and now she抯 totally freaked out!
Rachel: Oh okay, I抣l fix that to. What抯 her e-mail address?
Ross: Rachel!
Rachel: All right, I promise. I抣l fix this. I swear. I抣l-I抣l-I抣l-I抣l talk to her.
Ross: Okay!
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Thank you!
Phoebe: That抯 it?! You call that a fight? Come on! "We were on a break!" "No we weren抰!" What happened to you two?!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is opening the door to Mona. Rachel is there as well.]
Ross: Thank you so much for coming back over.
Mona: Oh good, you抮e here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.
Rachel: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I抦 so sorry about my father yelling at you, but I heard you totally held your own. You抮e gonna have to tell me how you did that.
Ross: Focus.
Rachel: Okay. Um匓ut桹kay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together.
Mona: How can I be sure on that?
Rachel: Oh we just梬e drove each other crazy!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I mean he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go!
Ross: Trying to date this woman.
Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. (Rubbing his shoulder.)
Ross: Probably shouldn抰 touch me.
Mona: Y択now, I-I-I just匢 don抰 want to get in the middle of something so complicated.
Rachel: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? (Mona looks at her.) I am so gonna leave right now. (Ross opens the door for her and she leaves.)
Ross: Should I leave this open for you too?
Mona: I抦 not sure yet. Why didn抰 you just tell me about all this?
Ross: Because what抯 going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.
Mona: Yeah? Well you still shoulda told me.
Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel抯 father. Look I匢 made a mistake, but it抯 only because I really, really like you. Really!
Mona: Okay, I guess you can卌lose the door now. (He does so and they kiss.)
Rachel: (entering) Forgot my purse! (Sees them kissing.) Oh, you guys made up. (To Mona) He抯 a good kisser isn抰 he? (Ross goes to close the door on her.) I抦 going! (Quickly leaves and Ross locks the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the bachelor party has ended and Monica is trying to explain herself to Chandler.]
Monica: I swear I didn抰 know she was a hooker! I mean wh桪id you let her smoke in here?
Chandler: Her ass print is still on your grandmother抯 quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?
Monica: Y択now what? I抦 gonna make this up to you. I promised you a stripper (turns on the radio), and you抮e gonna get a stripper. (She starts to strip.)
Chandler: Monica! Wait!
Monica: What?
Chandler: (puts on his crown) Carry on.
(She does so by taking off her jacket seductively, only she has trouble getting one hand out and slams the jacket on the chair angrily to remove it.)
Monica: Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. I think I抣l take them off. (Goes to do so.)
Chandler: Could you not narrate?
Monica: Gotcha sailor. (Kicks one of her shoes off and it lands in the kitchen knocking something down, but she continues to strip.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is being yelled at by her dad over the phone, and he抯 been going on for so long Rachel is holding the phone away from her ear and reading a book.]
Dr. Green: (on phone) 卝ust because you抮e not in love with the guy you can抰?
Phoebe: (entering, quietly) Wow, you told your dad the truth.
Rachel: About an hour ago.
Phoebe: Wanna go see a movie?
Rachel: Yes! (She gets up and sets the phone on the counter without hanging it up.) Bye daddy. (Phoebe and her leave.)
Dr. Green: (on phone, not hearing her) 卼here抯 gonna be a wedding! (Joey enters from his room and goes to get a beer from the fridge.) That抯 unacceptable Rachel! What the hell does love have to do with it anyway?! There are more important things in a marriage other than love! (Joey hears something and looks around for the source.) 卌onstantly thinking about things! You have to think about the consequences of your decision. (Joey finds that the sound is coming from the phone and puts it to his ear.)
Joey: (on phone) Hey! I do too think about the consequences of my decisions! (Listens) What gives you the right to?(Listens) Go to hell! (Hangs up the phone and opens the fridge.) Stupid guy on my phone.
End
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|