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The One With The Secret Closet
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Written by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones
Transcribed by: Jean Liew
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[Scene: The hall. Phoebe knocks on Monica and Chandler抯 door. Monica opens the door part of the way because it抯 held by the security chain.]
Monica: Hey. What抯 up?
Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.
Monica: Oh, ok. (closes the door and reopens it to give Phoebe her guitar) Ok. Here you go.
Phoebe: Ok.
Monica: Ok, great.
Phoebe: Um -
(The door slams shut. Phoebe knocks on it again. Monica opens it.)
Monica: What?
Phoebe: So, do you wanna hang out or something?
Monica: Phoebe, you kinda caught me in a bad time.
Phoebe: Oh, are you and Chandler -
Monica: Yes, exactly.
Phoebe: Ok. Do you guys want me to play for you?
Monica: No.
(She shuts the door. Chandler walks up with dry cleaning.)
Chandler: Hey, Pheebs, what抯 up?
Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question, Chandler Bing.
(They enter and Phoebe gasps.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! You憆e getting a massage?! (Monica looks up) You never let me massage you!!
Monica: I can explain!
Phoebe: You told me you hate massages.
Chandler: (to himself) Buy stamps (holds up them), pick up dry cleaning (holds it up), don抰 let Phoebe in!
Phoebe: I can抰 believe this! How long has this been going on?
Monica: Oh, um, Alexandra has -
Phoebe: Oh, it has a name?
Monica: Phoebe, don抰 get upset.
Phoebe: Ok...oh, too late! Come on, Chandler, let抯 go.
Chandler: Phoebe, I thought I抎 (points to the apartment)...yeah, uh, what the hell.
(They leave.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey抯 room. He抯 asleep. We see his dream. Rachel抯 giving birth and he抯 the only one there. Everything else is white, like heaven or something.]
Joey: Ok, ok, come on. Just one push. Just one push! Come on, honey, we抮e almost there. We抮e almost there.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, I抦 so happy things worked out for us, that we抮e having this baby together. I love you so much.
Joey: Oh, I love you too.
Rachel: And I hope this isn抰 an inappropriate time to say this, but you抮e the best sex I抳e ever had.
Joey: Oh. It抯 always appropriate. Oh, ok, ok, come on. One more push. One more push.
(She pushes and the baby is born.)
Nurse: There we go. Oh, here. (hands the baby to Joey) What a beautiful baby! Congratulations.
(Joey opens the blanket and to reveal Ross抯 head.)
Ross: I hope you抮e a better father than you are a friend!! Waaahhh!!!!!
(Joey freaks out and wakes up.)
Joey: Aah!! Ooh!
(Rachel knocks and enters.)
Rachel: Joey. Joey.
Joey: What? What?
Rachel: Joey, come here. Feel my belly.
Joey: Uhh...
Rachel: The baby抯 kicking for the first time. Will you please come and feel this?
Joey: Really?
Rachel: Yes.
(Joey gets up.)
Joey: Uh, you know what? (wraps the sheets around himself) Maybe you, maybe you should come to me. I, I抦 not wearing any bottoms. (Rachel does and he places his hand on her belly) Oh my, oh my God!
Rachel: Oh! Oh, it抯 unbelievable! Oh, she is kicking so much! Oh, she抯 like, um, who抯 that, uh, annoying girl soccer player?
Joey: Mia Hamm.
Rachel: ...Mia Hamm. Ooh...
Joey: It抯 so amazing...
Rachel: Whoa! One hand on the sheet cover!!
Joey: Whoops! (grabs the sheet) Sorry!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Monica is reading a card that came with an ugly bowl. Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey babe.
Monica: Hey, honey. So, we just got a wedding gift from Bob and Fay Bing. They don抰 like us, do they?
(Chandler picks it up.)
Chandler: Who says you can抰 get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back.
Monica: No, it doesn抰 say where it came from. Where do we return it?
Chandler: How about the street, from, say, the balcony?
Monica: Well, why don抰 we just find a place for it?
Chandler: Ok. (points) How about in that cabinet?
Monica: Oh, that抯 where we keep the canned goods. Have you forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom?
Monica: Ooh. Ok. Here. Why don抰 you let me do it?
(She takes the bowl.)
Chandler: No. No. No, no, no! I will do it. (takes it) Honey, you need to sit down, relax, and let your husband take care of things once in awhile. (tries the door) It抯 locked. You have to help me. Why is it locked?
Monica: No reason. I, I, I keep private things in there.
Chandler: Well, you know, I抳e been living here for awhile and I抳e never seen what抯 in that closet. What is in there?
Monica: Feminine stuff.
Chandler: Don抰 try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me, you抣l just, you抣l let it go!
Chandler: All right.
Monica: Thank you.
(She turns and he tries the lock again.)
Chandler: Love you.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hello, Chandler. Lovely day, huh? ...you.
Chandler: Phoebe, if it helps, Alexandra抯 only been massaging Monica for three years. (Monica glares at him) If! I said if it helps!!
(He goes to his room.)
Phoebe: Why won抰 you let me massage you?
Monica: Well, it抯, it抯 just I抎 be self conscious! You抮e my friend! I抎 be naked!
Phoebe: We lived together for years. I抳e seen you naked.
Monica: That was different. We were roommates! And when?
Phoebe: I抦 curious about the human body.
Monica: Hey come on Phoebe. You can understand why this would be weird for me!
Phoebe: I抦 a professional. And I抦 really good! If you抮e uncomfortable, we can stop. Give me a change. Ok? Please?
Monica: Ok. If it means that much to you.
Phoebe: How would you feel if you couldn抰 share your cooking? Or, or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn抰 teach us about dragons.
Monica: Dinosaurs.
Phoebe: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Rachel are there. Ross enters.]
Joey: Hey, Ross, the baby抯 kicking.
Ross: It is?!!
(He tries to take off his gloves with his teeth. When that doesn抰 work, he shakes them off. Then he puts his hands on Rachel抯 belly.)
Rachel: It抯 not kicking right now. Although, we would love to see you do that (mimics the hand shaking thing) again!
Ross: Hey, when, when was it kicking? What happened?
Rachel: It was last night. It was kicking and I felt it. Then I went into Joey抯 room, where he was asleep.
Joey: A dreamless sleep.
Ross: Oh my God, the baby抯 kicking. Great! Although, I, uh, I kinda wish I had been there to feel the kicking for the first time, y択now?
Joey: Well, I got some stuff going on in here if you wanna feel it.
Ross: Look, I, I don抰 wanna miss any more baby stuff. Here. Here is my new pager number, ok? Any time anything pregnant-related happens, use it. I抣l be there, ok? (hands it to Rachel) I don抰 care if it抯 three in the morning and, and all you want is some ice cream.
Joey: Oh, I抣l have a copy of that.
(He reaches for it but Rachel won抰 give it to him.)
[Scene: Phoebe抯 place. Monica is on the massage table.]
Phoebe: (off screen) Are you under the sheet?
Monica: Yes!
(Phoebe comes out and turns on music.)
Phoebe: Great. Let抯 begin. (starts the massage) How抯 the pressure?
Monica: Oh, it抯 nice. Wow, Phoebe, you are good!
Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And it抯 not weird, is it?
Monica: No! Ohh...
Phoebe: That抯 right. You just enjoy.
Monica: Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhh... Ohhh... Oh yeah!
Phoebe: Ok!
Monica: Oh God, Phoebe! Oh, that抯 it! That抯 it! Right there! (Phoebe抯 getting freaked out) Oh!!! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
(Phoebe puts her hands on her ears starts massaging with her elbows.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler抯 trying to open the closet with a bunch of tools. He hears the apartment door close and he stops.]
Chandler: I wasn抰 trying to open your closet!! I wasn抰 trying to open your closet!!
(It抯 just Joey.)
Joey: Wow. Monica runs a pretty tight shift around here, doesn抰 she? What are you doing?
Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won抰 let me see what抯 in it.
Joey: Why?
Chandler: I don抰 know!! I don抰 know what she could possibly be hiding in there that I can抰 see!!!
Joey: I don抰 know. Ooh. I bet it抯 Richard.
Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Joey: Off the top of my head, uh, maybe she抯 having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake, Richard being the too. Or!
Chandler: Oh man, here we go.
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was this door and nobody knew what was behind it. They finally got it open and millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out. They feasted on human flesh! You know, it wouldn抰 kill you to respect your wife抯 privacy!
(He leaves.)
(Cut to Joey and Rachel抯. Joey enters.)
Joey: Stupid closet full of bugs!
(He bolts the door.)
Rachel: Joey, Joey, something feels weird and not good-weird. Whoa!!!
Joey: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, do not worry. When my sisters were pregnant, they got every weird feeling in the book. It抯 nothing.
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Absolutely. But we抮e going to stop at the hospital just to make sure, ok? I抣l call Ross on the way.
Rachel: Oh God. (he helps her up) Ow!!
Joey: Rach, Rach, look at me. Everything抯 going to be fine. Trust me. Come on. Take my hand. (she gets up) There you go. Ow!! Crushing bones!! Oh good thing we抮e going to a hospital!
[Scene: The hospital waiting room. Joey is...waiting. Rachel comes out.]
Joey: Hey! So?
Doctor: She抯 fine. She was experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions.
Rachel: Hmm...mild discomfort? I take it you抳e had one of those Braxton thingies?
Joey: So, but, everything was normal?
Doctor: Absolutely.
Joey: And, and there抯 no damage to her or the baby?
Doctor: Contractions can be unnerving if you don抰 know what they are. She抯 fine.
(The doctor leaves.)
Rachel: Aww, thank you for being so nice and calm!
(She hugs him.)
Joey: I wasn抰 calm! I抳e never been more scared in my entire life!!
Rachel: But hey, you said everything was going to be ok!
Joey: But what do I know?!! I抦 not a doctor!!
Rachel: But I - everything is ok. I抦 fine.
Joey: You are?!
Rachel: yes. Yes. I have a mind to contract that doctor抯 uterus though. 揗ild discomfort.?
(Ross runs in.)
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Is everything ok?
Rachel: Yeah. Everyone抯 fine.
Ross: What - your page said come to the hospital. What? What happened?
Joey: Something called Braxton Hicks contractions.
Ross: Oh. Thank God. That抯 no big deal. Most women can抰 even feel them.
Rachel: Ok, no uterus, no opinion.
Joey: Hey, uh, what抯 with the candy?
Ross: When you beeped me, I was in the concession line at the movie theatre.
Rachel: You went to the movies by yourself?
Ross: No - Mona!!!!
Rachel: Wait, no, I gotta go back in there!
Ross: What, why? What抯 wrong?
Rachel: No, everything抯 fine. I just need to go back in there.
Ross: No, you tell me. What抯 up?
Rachel: I, I forgot my underwear.
(She goes back in.)
Ross: So, thanks so much for, for bringing her to the hospital.
Joey: Oh, hey, don抰 worry about it. Don抰 worry about it. No big deal.
Ross: Yeah, well, it should have been me. I抦 the dad.
Doctor: All right. If you have any more questions, here抯 some information on Braxton Hicks.
(Hands a pamphlet to Joey.)
Joey: Thanks.
Doctor: Oh, and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You抣l make a wonderful father.
Joey: Oh, uh, hey, not as good as this guy! He brought Twizzlers!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler and Joey are looking at the closet.]
Chandler: There抯 got to be a way!!
Joey: Easy there, Captain Kirk. Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Yeah. (checks his hair) Oh yeah, wait. I抦 not a nine year old girl.
Joey: Then why do you throw like one?
Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
(He goes into the bathroom.)
Joey: Oh sure. Monica.
Chandler: So, how抯 the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel going?
Joey: Good. Really good. I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler hands him the pin) Wow, you sure found that quick. (messes with the lock) I just wish I didn抰 feel this way about Rachel. Ok? I wish things could go back to normal. I love living with her and oh my god, helping with the baby is just amazing. Now I think, I think, Ross feels
left out. Ok, when I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. You should抳e seen the look on Ross抯 face. By the way, I have no idea what I抦 doing here. For all I know, I抦 just locking it more. (pulls out the pin) Oh, hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
Chandler: That抯 a good idea.
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler pulls out a credit card and slides it in.)
Chandler: So Ross is kinda bummed, huh?
Joey: Yeah, I feel terrible.
Chandler: Well, it抯 not your fault. What were you going to do, not take her to the hospital? Y択now, you抮e doing nothing wrong. Except harboring an all consuming love for the woman who抯 carrying his baby. (the card falls in) Richard, if, if, if you抮e in there, could you pass me my credit card?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe抯 there and Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. I felt so good!
Phoebe: I know. I got that.
Monica: So, um, what do you say, uh, we make it a weekly appointment?
Phoebe: Ok. Ok. But you should know, though, I抳e raised my rates to $200 an hour.
Monica: Ok. Ok.
Phoebe: I mean, five hundred.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Six hundred.
Monica: What抯 going on?
Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged.
Monica: Wh - ?
Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out. After awhile, I tried to hurt you, but it just spurred you on!
Monica: What?! You抮e crazy! There抯 nothing sexual about the noises I make!
Phoebe: Is there nothing sexual about this? 揙hh... Oh God! Ooh! Oh! Oh! Oh!?(to a guy behind them) What are you looking at? I mean, hi!
Monica: Oh my God! I抦 never going to get massages again!
Phoebe: You can抰 let this stop you from getting massages! I have lots of clients who make the same noises you do!
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: Not my clients - lovers. Let抯 just try it again. Come back and we抣l, we抣l work through it.
Monica: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Yes!
Monica: I guess.
Phoebe: Great! And now if you抣l just, if you抣l just excuse me. (to the guy) So. Did you hear something you like?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel抯. Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hey, Ross, check it out! (she抯 balancing a soda can on her belly) I learned a new trick! Huh?
Ross: Hey, I brought you some lunch.
(He gives her a bag.)
Rachel: Aw, that抯 so sweet!
Ross: It抯 ok.
(She pulls out a sandwich.)
Rachel: Ohh.. (takes a bite) (mouth full) Did you put pickles on this?
Ross: Well, yeah...
Rachel: Oh no! (She runs into the bathroom) No! No!
Ross: What, what? Rach, what?!
Joey: What抯 going on?
Ross: Uh, I made her favorite, tuna sandwich with pickles.
Joey: Oh, giving her pickles makes her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad.
Ross: Uh, I抦 sorry, Rach. I didn抰 know. Uh, are you going to be ok?
Rachel: I抣l be fine but can someone make sure that, that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
(Joey抯 eating it.)
Joey: I抦 on it!
Ross: I can抰 believe this! I shouldn抰 be the one making her throw up!
Joey: Relax, Ross. It could happen to anyone.
Ross: Not to you, because you know this stuff. I don抰 and I抦 the father. I just, I wish I got more involved, you know?
(Rachel comes out.)
Rachel: Oh, well, if anyone抯 keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
Joey: Hey, uh, can I, uh, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: What抯 up?
Joey: Well, uh, sit down. (they do) I want to talk about our situation.
(Rachel gasps.)
Rachel: Are you breaking up with us?
Joey: The thing is, because I live with Rachel, I抦 here for a lot of the stuff. Ok? And Ross, Ross is missing everything. So -
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: Maybe you two should live together.
Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? You don抰 like me here?
Joey: No... No, no, I love living with you, it just seems that if you抮e gonna have a roommate, it might as well be the father.
Rachel: But Joey, I don抰 think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean - (Ross looks at her) ...or he does.
Ross: Look, I, I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we, we, we can just try it, like on a temporary basis.
Rachel: But Ross! It抯 you and me!
Ross: Well, sure, but it won抰 be anything romantic and I抦, I抦 dating Mona. Dammit, Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What抯 wrong with me?
Joey: So? What do you think?
Rachel: I don抰 know. Is it crazy?
Ross: No!! It抯 not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
Joey: Well, it was due.
Rachel: Ok, let抯 do it. I抣l move in.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Aw, Rach, that抯 great. That抯 great.
(They hug with Joey watching.)
Rachel: Yay!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler抯 taking off the hinges of the door with a hammer.]
Chandler: Not too shabby. I got this off myself...using my wife抯 tools. (He takes the door off, revealing a closet packed tight with a bunch of miscellaneous junk. There are baskets, a box, a globe, a shovel and other stuff) Oh my God!!
(Monica comes home and gasps.)
Monica: How did you get in there?!!
(Chandler laughs.)
Chandler: You抮e messy.
Monica: Oh no, you weren抰 supposed to see this!
Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
Monica: No, Chandler, you don抰 understand! (He sings what I guess is the theme to the show) Ok, ok, fine, now you know! I抦, I抦, I抦 sick!!
Chandler: Hey, you抮e not sick. I don抰 love you because you抮e organized. I love you in spite of that.
Monica: Really? You promise you won抰 tell anyone?
Chandler: I promise. And now that I know, if I抳e got some extra stuff lying around, can we, can we share the closet?
Monica: Oh. Well, it抯 just, um. I抦 afraid you might mess it up.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel抯...well, now it抯 just Joey抯 place again. He抯 reading a Minute Maid orange juice jug. Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Rachel抯 all moved out, huh? How you taking it?
Joey: Well, uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but I got rid of those because Rachel couldn抰 stand the smell. So, I抳e thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though! (shows him the jug) And, uh, it抯 a couple weeks past its expiration date, so it抯, uh, it抯 got a bit of a kick.
Chandler: Are you ok?
Joey: Are you kidding me? Yeah, I抦 great! Yeah, I抦 better than great. I am good. And now that she抯 gone. I can, uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn抰 do before. Like, uh, I could walk around naked. Y択now? I can, uh, I can watch porn in the living room! Hey, this is, uh, this is good for me. Oh, I, I like being on my own. I抦 better off this way. I抦, uh, a lone wolf. Y択now? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. ..what抯 a wolf got to do to get a hug around me?!
(Chandler hugs him.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Phoebe抯 place. She抯 massaging Monica again.]
Monica: Ohh.
Phoebe: That抯 it. Just relax.
Monica: Oh, oh!
Phoebe: Come on, more?
Monica: God!
Phoebe: Ok, you like that, don抰 you?
Monica: Ohh, yeah, right there!
Phoebe: You want it there, you take it there, baby.
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! ...and now I抦 going to cover you back up. And, um, I won抰 be speaking to you for several weeks.
(She leaves.)
End
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