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The One Where No One Proposes
WRITTEN BY : Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
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(Scene: Continues from the season finale, shows Joey walking over to the chair to get Rachel tissues when the ring falls out of Ross' jacket pocket.)
Rachel: (Wiping her eyes) Joey
(Joey turns round holding the ring)
Rachel: Oh My God. (Pause) ok
(Shows Ross coming with flowers)
Rachel: so guess we should make it official huh (holds out her hand)
Joey: a look rach (Door opens its Ross) Heeeey! Ross is here, hey its my good friend Ross, Hey Ross!
Ross: (confussed) Hey Joey, (Walks over to Rachel) Hey you.
Rachel: Hey you.
Joey: oh and look he brought flowers oh thanks Ross im really more of a candy kinda guy. (laughs)
Ross: (Pause) your weird today. (Turns to Rachel) listen I wanted to talk to you about something (Joey puts the ring back under the chair while their not looking)
Rachel: yea actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
Ross: ah Joey can you give us a minute.
Joey: No
Ross: What?
Joey: Oh im sorry I meant No!
(Monica comes in with Chandler Phoebe and her dad)
Monica: Hey, Hi look who's here.
Jack: Where's my grand daughter I've been practicing my magic tricks (Kiss' Rachel)
Chandler: (Excited) He pulled a quarter out of my ear.
Ross: Hey where's mum.
Jack: She went to pick up aunt litty.
Monica: Oh aunt litty's coming (excited) that means we get 5 dollars each.
Jack: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this (pulls flowers out of his sleeve)
Chandler: (Shocked) Ok wow!
Ross: aaa dad Emma's in the nursery ill take now if you want, (to Rachel) but I really wanna talk to you
Rachel: I know I still need to talk to you
Joey: aa but before you guys do that I need to talk to you and Ross I need to talk to you.
Phoebe: oh and I need to talk to you (to Monida)
Monica: about what?
Phoebe: see if you know what these guys are talking about.
(OPENING CREDITS - The credits have been set back to their original length as they were from seasons 1-5)
Scene: All except Rachel are standing outside the nursery looking at Emma)
Monica: isnt she beautiful.
Jack: Look at her, my first grandchild.
Ross: (looks at him from behind funny) What about Ben?
Jack: Well of course Ben, I meant my first grand daughter. (Looks at Monica and makes a face that says "WOW I cant believe I forgot")
(Phoebe pulls Ross to one side)
Phoebe: have you thought anymore about you and Rachel?
Ross: well yea I was actually gonna talk to her when you guys all came in the room
Phoebe: Yay! That's so exciting wow, you could have done that with us there
Ross: yea right
Phoebe: oh you can touch yourself in front of us but you cant talk to Rachel
Ross: what? What? What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
Phoebe: oh please just before when you was asleep in the lounge that Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh that reminds me that Mr. Hagmini still has my Gameboy.
Joey: hey chandler can I talk to you for a sec.
Chandler: sure.
Joey: dude I just did something terrible.
Chandler: that was you? I thought it was Jack
Joey: No no that was Jack, Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me
Chandler: what why does she think that?
Joey: Because it kinda looked like I did?
Chandler: again what?
Joey: well I was down on one knee with a ring in my hand?
Chandler: (Interrupting) as we all are at some point during the day.
Joey: it wasn't my ring it fell out of Ross' jacket and when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing.
Chandler: Ross had a ring? And he was gonna propose?
Joey: I guess.
Chandler: (confused) and you did it first? This is gonna kill him you know how much he loves to propose
Joey: I know I know its awful.
Chandler: well what did she say?
Joey: (Excited) She said yes.
Chandler: does Ross know?
Joey: Oh my god! What the hell am I gonna tell him.
Chandler: well maybe you don't have to tell him anything
Joey: oh I like that yea.
Chandler: if you clear things up with Rachel, Ross never needs to find out but you have to do it now before he finds out about it and kicks your arse.
Joey: (Laughs) now lets not get carried away)
(Joey walks off and Monica comes and hugs Chandler)
Monica I wanna baby.
Chandler: now honey with been over this I need to be facing the other way
Monica: come on if we have sex again it will double our chances of getting pregnant, think that closets still available.
Chandler: I am so tired (Monica starts kissing him) Ya ok but no foreplay.
Monica: Deal (They walk off)
(Ross is standing with his dad and Jack passes wind again)
Ross: (smells it) Dad seriously, you really should see someone about that.
Jack: noted
Ross: im gonna go talk to Rachel for a minute you gonna be ok here on your own.
Jack: are you kidding me I could stay and look at her forever.
Ross: (Realises Jacks looking at the wrong baby) Actually (moves his face so he's looking at the correct baby)
Scene: (Phoebe talking with Rachel about being engaged)
Phoebe: (Enters) hey
Rachel: Hi
Phoebe: you alright.
Rachel: mmm, iiii think I just got engaged.
Phoebe: Oh my god, he did it!
Rachel: did you know he was gonna ask me?
Phoebe: are you kidding im like the one that talked him into it, I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
Rachel: and you really think this is a good idea?
Phoebe: I just talked him into it don't tell me I have to do you too, the puppet master gets tired people.
Rachel: I don't know it just doesn't feel right!
Phoebe: why you too are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so.
Rachel: really, even Ross?
Phoebe: especially Ross.
Joey: (enters) oh hey pheebs e you know what ill come back later. (turns to go and Ross comes in)
Ross: wow kind of a full house here, I guess ill just, ill come back
(Ross walks off, Joey walks out behind him very quickly )
Phoebe: Their he goes your fianc閑
Rachel: I guess so.
Phoebe: altough he does play with himself in his sleep
Rachel: cant say im surprised
Scene: (Joey and Ross are passing and see Jack listening in on someone having sex in the closet)
Ross: dad what are you doing?
Jack: I think there are people in there having sex
(Ross looks at Joey)
Joey: cant be me im standing right here.
Jack: wanna peak?
Ross: No
Jack: oh come on.
Ross: you know what, I don't like you without mum (to Joey) come on (He walks off)
Joey: were not peaking (walks off behind him)
Jack: well Im peaking, (Opens the door) OH MY GOD!
Chandler: hello sir, you know Monica.
(Jack shuts the door looking shocked)
Scene: (Rachel is by the chair trying on the ring)
Rachel: (Mimes) Wow
Joey: (knocks) hey is it ok to come in.
Rachel: of course, oh Joey this ring its beautiful I love it.
Joey: yea look Rach, theres something I gotta tell ya.
(Nurse comes in with Emma)
Nurse: Hey.
Rachel: Hi
Nurse: are you ready to try nursing again
Rachel: yea. Hi Emma, hey why do you think she wont take my breast.
Nurse: that's alright honey takes some babies a while to get it, but don't worry it'll happen
Rachel: ok puts Emma by her breast waiting for her to start feeding)
Joey: (looks away) yowsa!
Rachel: ok sweetie you can do, just open up and put it in your mouth.
Joey: (Uncomfortable) dear lord.
Rachel: im sorry honey what was you saying
Joey: umm yea look I think?
Rachel: nurse look shes pulling away again, do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth.
(Joey squeeze's his eyes shut tight then opens them again)
Rachel: she looks scared, doesn't she look scared?
Joey: you know I don't really know her.
Nurse: why don't we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow.
Rachel: ok
Joey: (Looks up) are you kidding me
Rachel: this is so frustrating why doesn't she want my breast.
Joey: I dunno maybe shes crazy! (walks out)
Scene: (Phoebe talks to Ross about him "proposing to Rachel")
Phoebe: Oh hey, wait up.
Ross: Hi
Phoebe: congratulations, I didn't wanna say anything earlier in front of Joey because I didn't know if he knew yet.
Ross: what that we had a baby give him a little credit, although he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.
Rachel: no no that you and Rachel are engaged
Ross: (laughs) what?
Phoebe: oh it's a secret, oh goodie yes, we haven't done the secret thing in a long time.
Ross: Phoebe there is no secret I didn't propose.
Phoebe: are you lying, is this like that time you tried to convince us you were doctor
Ross: (paus and looks at her) I am a doctor!!!!, you know what im just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself
Phoebe: alright me too.
(They walk in and shes sleeping)
Phoebe: should we wake her up.
Ross: no no come on let her sleep she's exhausted.
Phoebe: and so engaged DUN DUN DUN!!! Point the ring on her finger
Ross: (Very confused tells Phoebe to come out the room) oh my god she thinks were engaged why why why would she think were engaged?
Phoebe: perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring, you know Ross doctors are supposed to be smart.
Ross: I didn't give her that ring?
Phoebe: you didn't.
Ross: No
Phoebe: so who's ring is it?
Ross: its mine.
Phoebe: is it an engagement ring?
Ross: yes.
Ross: but you didn't give it to her?
Ross: no.
Phoebe: but you were going to propose?
Ross: no.
Phoebe: huh I might be losing interest in this. (she goes and sits down)
Ross: (goes behind her) look my mum gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do was see if she maybe kinda wanted to start things up again.
Phoebe: oh what beautiful Luke warm sentiment.
Ross: look I didn't wanna rush into anything, and it seemed like she didn't want to either but I don't understand how any of this happened, what did she find the ring in my jacket assume I was gonna propose throw it on and just start telling people.
Phoebe: no no she said you actually proposed to her.
Ross: well I didn't, I didn't propose, unless (thinks) did I, I havent slept in 40 hours and it does sound like something I would do.
(Commercial Break)
Scene: Monica and Chandler are still in the closet scared to come out because of what Jack saw)
Chandler: look we cant stay in here forever
Monica: I still cant believe my dad say us having sex he didn't make it to one of my piano recitals but this he sees.
Chandler: this is ok, were all adults here, there's nothing to be ashamed of now lets put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door.
(Jack looks distraught outside leaning against the wall)
Monica: Hi dad, I can still call you that right?
Jack: of course, ill always be your dad.
Chandler: I just want you to know what you witnessed in there that wasn't for fun
Monica: it wasn't fun?
Chandler: why why would you why, look I just don't want you to think were animals that do it whenever we want.
Jack: oh I don't think that, before today I never thought of you too having sex at all, it was a simpler time.
Monica: the truth is, dad, were trying.
Jack: (happy) what?
Monica: yea were trying to get pregnant
Jack: oh my god this is so exciting, well get back in there, ill guard the door.
Monica: its ok dad we can wait until later.
Jack: woah woah woah I don't think so arent you ovulating?
Monica: (embarrassed) Daddy.
Jack: we'll you gotta get at it princess, when your mother and I were trying to conceive you whenever she was ovulating BAM! We did it, that's how I got my bad hip
Chandler: that's funny this conversations how I got the bullet hole in my head.
Jack: (starts demonstrating) this one time I had my knee up on the sink (lifts his leg up) and your mother was?
Monica: (interrupting) Daddy I don't think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mum had sex.
Jack: your right your right, this is about your positions, now what I say in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child although it might feel good.
Monica: ha ha I don't feel good right now.
Jack: but pleasure is important, and it helps if the woman has an orgasm, you up to the task sailor?
Chandler: seriously sir my brains all over the wall.
Scene: (Monica comes to see Rachel)
Monica: Hey
Rachel: Hey oh I need to tell you something.
Monica: well now's a good time im on my way to have my ears cut off.
Rachel: Joey asked me to marry him.
Monica: what
Rachel: Joey proposed to me.
Monica: what is he crazy you just had Ross' baby
Rachel: well I said yes.
Monica: what are you crazy you just had Ross' baby, its so inappropriate, no its worse then that it is wrong, it is bigger then mine (grabs her hand and looks at the ring) I know days of our lives thank you very much.
Monica: (throws her hand back) you cant marry him.
Rachel: why not, I don't wanna do this alone and his such a sweet guy, and he loves me so much.
Monica: well do you love him?
Rachel: sure.
Monica: sure?
Rachel: yea I means whatever
Monica: honey (sits next to her) the question is do you really wanna marry Joey?
Rachel: no, no I don't (long pause) could you be a dear and go tell him.
Scene: (Chandler and Joey in the waiting room)
Chandler: you still havent told Rachel you werent really proposing?
Joey: No , she had the ring on, she seemed so excited and then she took her breast out.
Chandler: Joey you have to tell her whats going on, and what did it look like.
Joey: I didn't look at it, stupid babies head was blocking most of it.
Chandler: go and tell Rachel now before Ross finds out.
Joey: look its not that easy, she said she wanted to marry me I don't wanna hurt her.
Chandler: ok look just do it gently
Joey: your right, your right ill go tell her now before Ross finds out and ill be gentle, I can do that i am a gentle person, oh by the way two people (excited) screwing in there if you wanna check that out.
(Chandler realizes it was Monica and him Joey was talking about)
Scene: (Ross finds out Joey proposed to Rachel)
Ross: Hey
Rachel: Hey
Ross: listen I (pause) I heard about the engagement
Rachel: surprised
Ross: and confused (pause) rach sweetie I umm (pause) I didn't propose to you
Rachel: (thinks Ross is weird) I know
Ross: I don't think you do.
Rachel: you didn't propose to me, Joey did.
Ross: poor baby your so tired, (sits next to her) rach I didn't propose to you, Joey didn't propose to you, and Chandler didn't propose to you.
Rachel: a you didn't propose to me, Chandler didn't propose to me, but Joey did.
(Joey comes in)
Ross: Joey proposed to you?
Joey: I can come back
Ross: wait wait wait Joey did you propose to her
Joey: no
Rachel: yes you did
Joey: actually technically I didn't.
Rachel: well then why did you give me a ring.
Ross: wait you gave her the ring (he points to the chair)
Joey: no no and I did not ask her to marry me
Rachel: yes you did
Joey: no I didn't
Rachel: yes you did
Joey: no I didn't
Rachel: yes you did, and don't you say you didn't.
Joey: aaarrrgh!
Rachel: he was right there he got down on one knee and he proposed
Ross: woah you were down on one knee
Joey: yea that looks bad, but I didn't (pause) I didn't propose
Ross: then what did happen
Rachel: yea what did happen
Joey: ok the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel: yea but you said w-i-l-l y-o-u m-a-r-r-y m-e.
Joey: no I didn't
Rachel: yes you did
Joey: no I didn't
Rachel: yes you did (realizes he didn't) HA OH MY GOD YOU DIDN'T! (holds her face shocked, she gets angry) a well then why didn't you tell me that before!!
Joey: I tried but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out.
Ross: woah hey!, you saw her breast
Joey: I'll tell you about it later, be cool.
Rachel: (still angry) well then Joey what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring!!!
Joey: it wasn't my ring, its Ross' ring that's why I felt so bad rach, because he was gonna propose
Ross: what!!
Rachel: (shocked) you were gonna propose to me?
Ross (long pause Joey all happy behind him) no
(There's an odd silence neither of them know what to say)
Joey: well this is awkward.
Ross: but I?I was going to see if you know maybe you wanted to start dating again, but that was all rach.
Joey: dude step up I proposed.
Ross: no you didn't.
Joey: oh that's right, there's a lot going on, and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier.
(Nurse comes in)
Nurse: hey she just woke up and she's hungry, why don't we give this another try
(Rachels talking with the nurse and trying to feed Emma)
Ross: I cant believe you told her I was gonna propose
Joey: I cant believe your not gonna propose
Ross: hey I am not gonna rush into anything
Joey: oh yea dude I totally understand usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down
Rachel: OH MY GOD Look! Shes doing it shes breast feeding look.
Joey: (looking up again) aaww that's beautiful
Nurse: I'll come back for her later
Rachel: oh ok
Ross: thanks
Rachel: oh wow this feels weird.
Ross: what god weird.
Rachel: wonderful weird.
Joey: you know what you guys im gonna go too, and im sorry for everything.
Rachel: honey don't worry it was my mistake
Joey: no rach I should have told you sooner, its just that?(looks at Emma) man that kid is going to town.
(They just look at him, he then points to himself and then points to the door and leaves.)
Rachel: shes perfect
Ross: were so lucky
Rachel: we really are
Ross: look I know its not a proposal and I dunno where you are but with everything that's been going on and with Emma, ive been feeling?
Rachel: I know I know, im feeling (looks at Ross)
Ross: yea
Rachel: yea
Ross: ok umm wow ok then maybe at least we can talk about us again
Rachel: yea maybe (smiles and holds his hand)
Ross: well good umm ok, I mean I kinda think you know if we?(notices the ring on her hand again) your wearing the ring
Rachel: what's that?
Ross: and you told Phoebe you were engaged
Rachel: I'm sorry what?
Ross: when you thought Joey proposed (pause) did you say yes?
Scene fades to black
Scene: (Jack is standing outside the closet passing pamphlets under the door)
Jack: kids I spoke to a doctor and picked up these pamphlets on how to get pregnant pass's them under the door.
(Monica and Chandler then walk past)
Monica: hey dad
Chandler: hey
Jack: (knocks on the door) sorry to bother you again but could you pass my pamphlets back
(They pass them back)
Jack: Thank you (grabs them and walks off)
End
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