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Unit 9
Friends and Friendship
After-Class Reading
PASSAGE I Friends, Good Friends — and Such Good Friends
Women are friends, I once would have said[1], when they totally love and support and trust each other, and bare to each other the secrets of their souls, and run — no questions asked — to help each other[2], and tell harsh truths to each other (no, you can't wear that dress unless you lose ten pounds first) when harsh truths must be told.
Women are friends, I once would have said, when they share the same affection for Ingmar Bergman, plus train rides, cats, warm rain, and hate with equal ardor Newark, Brussels sprouts and camping[3].
In other words, I once would have said that a friend is a friend all the way, but now I believe that's a narrow point of view. For the friendships I have and the friendships I see are conducted at many levels of intensity, serve many different functions, meet different needs and range from those as all-the-way as the friendship of the soul sisters mentioned above to that of the most casual playmates.[4]
Consider these varieties of friendship:
Convenience friends [5] These are women with whom, if our paths weren't crossing all the time, we'd have no particular reason to be friends: a next-door neighbor, a woman in our car pool[6], the mother of one of our children's closest friends or maybe some mommy with whom we serve juice and cookies each week at the Glenwood co-op[7] nursery.
Convenience friends are convenient indeed. They'll lend us their cups and silverware for a party. They'll drive our kids to soccer when we're sick. They'll take us to pick up our car when we need a lift to the garage.[8] They'll even take our cats when we go on vacation. As we will for them.
But we don't, with convenience friends, ever come too close or tell too much; we maintain our public face[9] and emotional distance. "Which[10] means," says Elaine, "that I'll talk about being overweight but not about being depressed. Which means I'll admit being mad but not blind with rage[11]. Which means that I might say that we're short of cash this month but never that I'm worried sick over money."
But which doesn't mean that there isn't sufficient value to be found in these friendships of mutual aid, in convenience friends.
Special-interest friends [5] These friendships aren't intimate, and they needn't involve kids or silverware or cats. Their value lies in some interest jointly shared. And so we may have an office friend or a yoga friend or a tennis friend or a friend from the Women's Club.
"I've got one woman friend," says Joyce, "who likes, as I do, to take psychology courses. Which makes it nice for me — and nice for her. It's fun to go with someone you know and it's fun to discuss what you've learned, driving back from the classes." And for the most part, she says, that's all they discuss.
"I'd say that what we're doing is doing together, not being together," Suzanne says of her Tuesday-doubles friends[12]. "It's mainly a tennis relationship, but we play together well. And I guess all we need to have is a couple of playmates."
I agree.
Historical friends [5] We all have a friend who knew us when maybe way back[13] in Miss Meltzer's second grade, when our family lived in that three-room flat in Brooklyn, when our dad was out of work for seven months, when our brother Allie got in that fight where they had to call the police, when our sister married the dentist from Yonkers.
The years have gone by and we've gone separate ways and we've little in common now, but we're still an intimate part of each other's past. And so whenever we go to Detroit we always go to visit this friend of our girlhood. Who[10] knows how we looked before our teeth were straightened[14]. Who knows how we talked before we lost our Brooklyn accents. Who knows what we ate before we learned about artichokes[15]. And who, by her presence, puts us in touch with an earlier part of ourselves, a part of ourselves that's important never to lose.
Crossroads friends [5] Like historical friends, our crossroads friends are important for what was — for the friendship we shared at a crucial, now past, time of life. A time, perhaps, when we roomed in college together; or worked as eager young singles in the Big City[16]together; or went together, as my friend Elizabeth and I did, through pregnancy, birth and that scary first year of new motherhood.
Crossroads friends forge powerful links, links strong enough to endure with not much more contact than once-a-year letters at Christmas[17]. And out of respect for those crossroads years, for those dramas and dreams we once shared, we will always be friends.
Cross-generational friends[5]Historical friends and crossroads friends seem to maintain a special kind of intimacy — dormant but always ready to be revived — and though we may rarely meet, whenever we do connect, it's personal and intense. Another kind of intimacy exists in the friendships that form across generations in what one woman calls her daughter-mother and her mother-daughter relationships.
Evelyn's friend is her mother's age — "but I share so much more than I ever could with my mother" — a woman she talks to of music, of books and of life[18]. "What I get from her is the benefit of her experience. What she gets — and enjoys — from me is youthful perspective. It's a pleasure for both of us."
I have in my own life a precious friend, a woman of 65 who has lived very hard, who is wise, who listens well; who has been where I am[19] and can help me understand it; and who represents not only an ultimate ideal mother to me but also the person I'd like to be when I grow up[20]. It's another kind of pleasure — playing wise mother to a questioning younger person. It's another very lovely kind of friendship.
There are good friends, and pretty good friends, and very good friends indeed, and these friendships are defined by their level of intimacy. And what we'll reveal at each of these levels of intimacy is determined with care. We might tell a good friend, for example, that yesterday we had a fight with our husband. And we might tell a pretty good friend that this fight with our husband made us so mad that we slept on the couch. And we might tell a very good friend that the reason we got so mad in that fight that we slept on the couch had something to do with that girl who works in his office. But it's only to our very best friends that we're willing to tell all, to tell what's going on with that girl in his office.
The best of friends, I still believe, totally love and support and trust each other, and tell each other the secrets of their souls, and run — no questions asked — to help each other, and tell harsh truths to each other when they must be told.
But we needn't agree about everything (only 12-year-old girl friends agree about everything) to tolerate each other's point of view. To accept without judgment. To give and to take without ever keeping score[21]. And to be there, as I am for them and as they are for me, to comfort our sorrows, to celebrate our joys. (1254 words)
Proper Names
Allie
（男子名）艾利
Brussels
（地名）布鲁塞尔（比利时首都）
Elaine
（女子名）伊莱恩（Helen的异体）
Elizabeth
（女子名）伊丽莎白
Evelyn
（女子名）伊夫林
Ingmar Bergman
（男子名）英马尔.伯格曼（1918-，瑞典电影导演）
Joyce
（女子名）乔伊斯
Meltzer
（姓）梅尔策
Newark
（地名）纽沃克（美国新泽西州一城市）
Suzanne
（女子名）苏珊（即Susan）
Yonkers
（地名）扬克斯（美国纽约州一城市）
New Words
accent
n.
1) a particular way of speaking, usually connected with a country, area, or social class 口音，腔调
e.g. He speaks English with a strong German accent.
2) emphasis given to a syllable or word by means of stress or pitch 重音
e.g. In the word "today" the accent is on the second syllable.
ardor
n. strong excitement or eagerness 热情，激情
artichoke
n. a plant whose leafy flower is eaten as a vegetable 洋蓟
convenience
n.
1) the quality of being convenient; suitableness for a particular purpose, situation, etc. 方便，合宜
e.g. In many shops, shopping bags are provided for the customers' convenience.
2) an apparatus, service, etc., which gives comfort or advantage to its user 便利设施，方便的用具
e.g. The house has all the latest conveniences.
couch
n. sofa; a bed 长沙发；卧榻
cross-generational
adj. of different age brackets 两代人的，跨代的
crossroads *
n. a place where two or more roads cross 十字路口，汇集地
dormant
adj. inactive, especially not actually growing or producing typical effects 停止活动的，休眠的
forge
v.
1) develop a strong relationship 使形成，与......建立密切联系
e.g. The accident forged a link between the two families.
2) make an illegal copy of something in order to deceive 伪造，假冒
e.g. He got the money dishonestly, by forging his brother's signature on a check.
girlhood *
n. the state or time of being a girl 少女时期
jointly *
adv. the state of being shared, held or made by two or more people together 共同地
e.g. Nelson Mandela and President De Klerk were jointly awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace in 1993.
motherhood *
n. the state of being a mother 母亲身份
overweight *
adj. heavier than is usual or allowed 超重的
e.g. Your suitcase is five kilograms overweight.
pregnancy *
n. carrying of a baby in the womb 怀孕
sprout
n. new shoot or bud of a plant 苗；芽
e.g. bean sprouts 豆芽
yoga
n. a system of exercises for attaining bodily or mental control and well-being 瑜伽修行法
youthful *
adj. having qualities typical of youth 年轻的
Phrases and Expressions
all the way
completely 完完全全地
e.g. I agree with you all the way, but I still don't think you will change anything by complaining.
worry sick/to death
feel great worry or anxiety 引起（某人）极大的忧虑
e.g. Where on earth have you been? I was worried sick!
PASSAGE II Best Friends
Section A
Directions: Read the following section and note the good qualities a best friend possesses.
Best friends, even when they are not a part of our day-to-day lives, are essential to our well-being. They supply the companionship, help, security, and love that we all need. It is not easy to put into words exactly what a best friend is, because the matter is so personal. From time to time, however, we may think about our best friends — who they are, what characteristics they share, and why they are so important to us — in order to gain a better understanding of ourselves and our relationships.
I recently asked several people for their opinions on the subject, beginning with the qualities they valued in their own best friends. They all agreed on three traits: reciprocity, honesty, and love. Reciprocity means that one can always rely on a best friend in times of need. A favor doesn't necessarily have to be returned; but best friends will return it anyway, because they want to. Best friends are willing to help each other for the sake of helping and not just for personal gain[1]. One woman said that life seemed more secure because she knew her best friend was there if she ever needed help.
Honesty in a best friendship is the sharing of feelings openly and without reserve. The people I interviewed said they could rely on their best friends as confidants: they could share problems with their best friends and ask for advice. They also felt that, even if best friends were critical of each other, they would never be hurtful or spiteful.
Love is probably the most important quality of a best friend relationship, according to the people I interviewed. They very much prized the affection and enjoyment they felt in the company of their best friends. One man described it as a "gut reaction[2]," and all said it was a different feeling from being with other friends. Private jokes, looks, and gestures create personal communication between best friends that is at a very high level — many times one person knows what the other is thinking without anything being said. The specifics differ, but almost everyone I talked to agreed that a special feeling exists, which is best described as love.
Section B
Directions: In this section, the author presents the answers to three questions. Read carefully and fill in each of the blanks with an appropriate word from the choices given.
I next asked who could be a best friend and who could not. My 1)_____{resources/sources} all felt it was impossible for parents, other relatives, and people of the 2)_____{opposite/same} sex (especially husbands or wives) to be best friends. One woman said such people were "too inhibitive." Personally, I 3)_____{agree/disagree} — I have two best friends who are women. However, I may be an exception, and most best friends may 4)_____{fix/fit} the above requirements. There could be a good reason for this, too: most of the people I interviewed felt that their best friends were not 5)_____{commanding/demanding}, while their relatives and partners of the opposite sex can be very demanding.
To the question of how many best friends one can have, some in my sample 6)_____{responding/responded} that it is possible to have several best friends, although very few people can do so; others said it is 7)_____{impossible/possible} to have only a very few best friends; and still others felt they could have just one — that single friend who is most outstanding. It was interesting to see how ideas 8)_____{various/varied} on this question. Although best friends may be no less special for one person than[3] another, people 9)_____{define/confine} the concept differently.
Regarding how long it takes to become best friends and how long the relationship 10)_____{lasts/keeps}, all were in agreement. "It is a long hard process which takes a lot of time," one woman explained. "It isn't something that can happen 11)_____{overnight/tomorrow}," suggested another. One man said, "You usually know the person very well before you 12)_____{regard/consider} him your best friend. In fact you know everything about him, his bad points as well as his good points, so there is 13)_____{little/great} likelihood you can come into conflict with him." In 14)_____{addition/contrast}, everyone thought that once a person has become a best friend, he or she 15)_____{maintains/remains} so for the rest of one's life.
Section C
Directions: In this section, the author tells us an interesting discovery and his personal-experiences. Now read carefully.
During the course of the interviews, I discovered one important and unexpected difference between men and women regarding the qualities of their best friends. The men all said that a best friend usually possessed one quality that stood out above all others — an easygoing manner or humor or sympathy, for example. One of them told me that he looked not for loyalty but for honesty, for someone who was truthful, because it was so rare to find this quality in anyone. The women I surveyed, however, all responded that they looked for a well-rounded person[4] who had many good qualities. One said that a person who had just one good quality and not several would be "too boring to associate with." Does this difference hold true beyond my sample? If so, it means that men and women have quite different definitions of their best friends.
I have always wondered why my own best friends were so important to me; but it wasn't until recently that something happened to make me really understand my relationship with my best friends. My father died, and this was a crisis for me. Most of my friends gave me their condolences. But my best friends did more than that: they actually supported me. They called long distance to see how I was and what I needed, to try and help me work out my problems or simply to talk. Two of my best friends even took time from their spring break and, along with two other best friends, attended my father's memorial service; none of my other friends came. Since then, these are the only people who have continued to worry about me and talk to me about my father. I know that, whenever I need someone, they will be there and willing to help me. I know also that, whenever they need help, I will be ready to do the same for them.
Yet, I don't value my best friends so much just for what they do for me.[5] I simply enjoy their company more than anyone else's. We talk, joke, play sports, and do all kinds of things when we are together. I never feel ill at ease[6], even after we've been apart for a while. However, the most important thing for me about best friends is the knowledge that I am never alone, that there are others in the world who care about my well-being as much as I do about theirs. Surely this is a comforting feeling for everyone. (1101 words)
New Words
anyway
adv. at any rate; in any case 不管怎么说，无论如何
e.g. I know you don't like it, but I don't care. I'm buying it anyway.
companionship *
n. relationship between people who enjoy being together 友谊；朋友或伴侣的关系
condolence
n. (usually plural) sympathy for someone who has experienced great sorrow, misfortune, etc. 吊唁，哀悼，慰问的词句
e.g. He expressed his condolences to the families of the people who died in the incident.
differ
v.
1) be dissimilar in nature, character, type, etc., be different 不同，相异
e.g. The brothers differ widely in their tastes.
2) have an opposite opinion, disagree （在意见方面）发生分歧
e.g. The two sides in the dispute still differ over the question of pay.
easygoing *
adj. taking life easily, tending not to worry or get angry 脾气随和的，温和的
e.g. He was easygoing, humorous, and agreeable in his daily life.
gut
adj. based on instincts or emotions, arising from one's inmost self 本能的，发自内心深处的
inhibitive *
adj. confining 起抑制作用的
memorial
adj. (only before noun) made, held, or done in order to remind people of someone who has died [作定语]追悼的
e.g. A few days later a memorial service was held in Rome.
n. something to remind people of someone who has died 纪念碑，纪念物，纪念仪式
e.g. The church service is a memorial to those killed in the war.
partner
n.
1) either of the two living together, especially the spouse 配偶，伴侣
e.g. I think I'd want to consult my partner on a decision as important as that.
2) one associated with another, especially in an action, companion, or colleague 搭档，伙伴，合伙人，同事
e.g. They have been business partners for a long time, so they know each other very well.
reciprocity
n. the behavior in which two people or groups of people give each other help and advantages 互惠
specific
n. particulars, details 细节，详情
e.g. We all agreed on our basic aims, but when we got down to specifics it became more complicated.
adj. of a special or particular kind; explicit or definite 特定的，特有的；明确的，具体的
e.g. What are your specific aims?
truthful *
adj. (of a person) honest in what he says; never lying 诚实的，从不说谎的
PASSAGE III The Value of Friendship
Friendship is both a source of pleasure and a component of good health. People who have close friends naturally enjoy their company. Of equal importance are the concrete emotional benefits they derive.[1] When something sensational happens to us, sharing the happiness of the occasion with friends intensifies our joy. Conversely, in times of trouble and tension, when our spirits are low, unburdening our worries and fears to compassionate friends alleviates the stress. Moreover, we may even get some practical suggestions for solving a particular problem.
From time to time, we are insensitive and behave in a way that hurts someone's feelings. Afterward, when we feel guilty and discouraged, friends can reassure us. This positive interaction is therapeutic, and much less expensive than visits to a psychologist.
Adolescence and old age are the two stages in our lives when the need for friendship is crucial. In the former stage, teens are plagued[2] by uncertainty and mixed feelings. In the latter stage, older people are upset by feelings of uselessness and insignificance. In both instances, friends can make a dramatic difference. With close friends in their lives, people develop courage and positive attitudes. Teenagers have the moral support to assert their individuality; the elderly approach their advanced years with optimism and an interest in life. These positive outlooks are vital to cope successfully with the crises inherent in these two stages of life.
Throughout life, we rely on small groups of people for love, admiration, respect, moral support, and help. Almost everyone has a "network" of friends: co-workers, neighbors, and schoolmates. While both men and women have such friends, evidence is accumulating that indicates men rarely make close friends[3]. Men are sociable and frequently have numerous business acquaintances, golf buddies, and so on. However, friendship does not merely involve a sharing of activities; it is a sharing on a very personal level. Customarily, men have shied away from close relationships in which they confide in others. By bottling up their emotions, men deprive themselves of a healthy outlet for their negative feelings.
The picture is different among middle-class, middle-aged women. They tend to be more emotionally stable when they are upset because they vent feelings and concerns. They receive support and sympathy from close friends. In fact, being good at forming close friendships is a most valuable asset for widows. Having a few good friends makes the transition from living with a husband to living alone less lonely and frightening. Conversely, widowers whose sole confidants were their wives have greater difficulty adjusting, feel abandoned, and deteriorate physically more rapidly.
Because friendships enhance our lives, it is important to cultivate them. Unfortunately, it is somewhat difficult to make long-lasting close friends. People are mobile, and mobility puts a strain on friendships. Long distances between friends discourage intimacy. Long-distance telephone conversations are costly, and letter writing is not a firmly established habit. Divorce is also destructive to friendships. In many cases, when divorce occurs, friendships disintegrate because couples usually prefer to associate with other couples.
People choose some friends because they are fun to be with; they "make things happen." Likewise, common interests appear to be a significant factor in selecting friends. Families with children, for instance, tend to be strongly attracted to families with children. It is normal to befriend people who have similar lifestyles, and organizations such as Parents Without Partners have appeared on the scene as a natural outgrowth of this tendency[4]. These groups provide an opportunity to socialize, make new acquaintances and friends, or obtain helpful advice in adapting smoothly to a new lifestyle. Other groups focus on a specific interest such as camping or politics. It is perfectly acceptable to select friends for special qualities as long as there is a balanced giving and taking that is mutually satisfying.
Very close and trusted friends share confidences candidly. They feel secure that they will not be ridiculed or laughed at, and their confidences will be honored. Betraying a trust is a very quick and painful way to terminate a friendship.
As friendships solidify, ties strengthen. Intimate relationships enrich people's lives. Some components of a thriving friendship are honesty, naturalness, thoughtfulness, and some common interests.
Circumstances and people are constantly changing. Some friendships last "forever"; others do not. Nevertheless, friendship is an essential ingredient in the making of a healthful, rewarding life. (734 words)
New Words
adolescence *
n. the time, usually between the ages of 12 to 18, when a young person is developing into an adult 青春期
alleviate
v. make (something) less severe; ease 减轻，缓解，缓和
e.g. I ) They alleviated the boredom of waiting by singing songs.
II) The doctor gave her an injection to alleviate the pain.
asset
n.
1) a valuable quality, skill, or person 有价值的资源（技能，人才），优点，长处
e.g. I ) Good health is a great asset.
II) She's a tremendous asset to the company.
2) the property of a person, company, etc., especially that has value and that may be sold to pay a debt 财产，资产
e.g. His assets included shares in the company and a house in London.
befriend *
v. act as a friend to someone 以朋友相待，友好对待
betray
v.
1) be unfaithful in guarding or fulfilling 有负于
e.g. In failing to return the money he betrayed our trust.
2) be disloyal to 背叛，出卖
e.g. He was accused of betraying his country during the war.
compassionate
adj. showing or feeling concern for the sufferings of others 有同情心的，表示同情的
component
n. any of the parts that together make a whole machine or system 组成部分，部件，元件
e.g. An easy question is one component of the test.
adj. being or serving as an element in something larger 组成的，构成的
e.g. Her job is putting together the component parts of hi-fi systems.
confide
v. tell someone about a secret or private matter while trusting them not to repeat it to others 向某人吐露秘密
e.g. He confided in friends that he and his wife planned to separate.
cultivate
v.
1) improve or develop (especially the mind, a feeling, etc.) by careful attention, training, or study 培养，陶冶，发展
e.g. The new Prime Minister is cultivating relationships with these European countries.
2) plant, grow and raise... by preparing the soil, providing water, etc. 耕作，栽培，养殖
e.g. Most of the land there is too poor to cultivate.
discourage
v.
1) take away someone's confidence or hope of doing something 使泄气，使灰心
e.g. You should install locks on all your windows to discourage burglars.
2) prevent or try to prevent (an action), either by showing disapproval or by putting difficulties in the way 阻止，劝阻，使打消（念头）
e.g. I ) The new measures have discouraged car use in favor of public transport.
II) The political instability of the region has discouraged investment by big companies.
disintegrate *
v. become less strong or united 分裂，瓦解
divorce
n. the official ending of a marriage 离婚
e.g. Divorce is unpleasant for everyone involved.
v. officially end a marriage （与......）离婚
e.g. Jane is so stressed at the moment-she's in the middle of divorcing Mike.
enrich
v.
1) improve the quality, usually by adding something to it 充实，使丰富
e.g. My life was greatly enriched by knowing her.
2) make rich 使富有，使富裕
e.g. The discovery of oil will enrich the nation.
healthful *
adj. good for the health 有益于健康的
e.g. During their stay here, they really enjoyed the healthful mountain air.
insensitive *
adj. not able to feel something 无感觉的，麻木不仁的
e.g. He is insensitive to criticism.
insignificance *
n. triviality, unimportance, pointlessness 不重要；无价值；无意义
long-lasting *
adj. continuing for a long time 持续时间长的
mobility *
n. the ability to move from place to place 流动性
e.g. An electrically powered wheelchair gave Bob increased mobility.
naturalness *
n. state or quality of being natural 自然，不做作
outgrowth *
n. (formal) a natural development or result 自然结果，发展
outlet
n.
1) a means of expressing one's energy, emotions or talents （感情，精力等）发泄途径、方法
e.g. Children need an outlet for their energy.
2) way out (for water, steam, etc.) 出口，出路，排放孔
e.g. There is an underwater outlet pipe discharging waste into the sea.
rewarding *
adj. worthwhile; beneficial 值得做的；有益的
e.g. My morning spent on the library was very rewarding.
sensational *
adj. (informal) extraordinarily good, wonderful 极好的，绝妙的
socialize *
v. mix socially (with others) （同他人）来往，交往
sole
adj. one and only; single [作定语]惟一的；单独的
e.g. Drunk driving was the sole cause of the accident.
n. the bottom surface of the foot, the part of a piece of footwear covering the bottom surface of the foot 脚底，鞋底，袜底
e.g. They were beaten on the soles of their feet.
solidify *
v. (cause something to) become hard or firm 变硬，变得坚固
strengthen
v.
1) become stronger 变强，实力增强
e.g. His resolve to win strengthened as he walked out of the room.
2) make stronger 加强，巩固
e.g. He hoped to strengthen the position of the sciences in the leading universities.
terminate
v. come to an end or bring (something) to an end 停止，（使）终止
e.g. I ) The meeting terminated in disorder.
II) The author terminated his contract with the publisher.
therapeutic *
adj.
1) having a good effect on one's health or state of mind 对身心健康有益的
e.g. I find swimming very therapeutic.
2) of or for the treating or curing of disease 治疗的，起治疗作用的
e.g. Therapeutic treatment is designed to treat a disease or to improve a person's health.
thoughtfulness *
n. the quality of showing consideration or care for others 体贴，关切
thriving *
adj. characterized by success and prosperity 成功的，旺盛的
unburden *
v. tell someone your problems, secrets, etc. so that you feel better 吐露，解除（自己，内心等的）烦恼
e.g. He felt an urge to unburden his heart to this stranger.
vent
v. find or provide an outlet for (an emotion) 表达，发泄（感情）
e.g. Jane vented her anger in a destructive manner.
widow
n. a woman whose husband has died and who has not remarried 寡妇
e.g. She found it very hard to adjust to being a widow.
widower
n. a man whose wife has died and who has not remarried 鳏夫
Phrases and Expressions
bottle up
restrain, not express or show 憋在肚里（不说出来）
e.g. Bottling up your feelings is not good for your health.
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