|
Are you a hyper-parent? Do you do a little bit too much for your kids, make their lives just a little too easy? If this sounds like you, believe me, you're not alone. We called up with a couple of parents in New York who also admit that they are guilty as charged.
I am guilty of doing a little too much for my daughter.I take her pretty much where she wants to go. If she needs to be driven to a party or a friend outside, change my plans and take her where she wants to go.
I think it's very hard, I feel that my parents didn't do enough for me, so I am overcompensating.
It's inevitable that you compare what you do for your own kids to what other people are doing, and you wonder who's right and who's got the right balance.
Linda Fears is the editor-in-chief of the Family Circle magazine. Hi Linda.
Hi,Ann, how are you?
That sounds pretty familiar on a lot of working parents I know, try to overcompensate, so when is, it's too much, what are we doing too much for our kids?
If you try to fix or eliminate any problem your child might face then you're doing too much, and the truth is , it's really easy again and the pattern nobody wants their kids to be hurt or sad, but the truth is if your child is always safe from the situation, he is going to start to feel like that there is something wrong with him, like he is not smart enough, or not strong enough to handle situation on his own.
So it's not good for kids. And I can't imagine it's good for parents, either.
No, it's really not good for anybody, um, and like I've said, you know, it's very easy to fall into that pattern and the reason why a lot of parents end up doing this, is because they ,from birth, a lot of parents feel like they have to orchestrate their child's life.
Right, it's amazing, kids in grades got people all to think about what college are going to. They have met a million activities, and you see it's really wrong to expect your child to excel in everything they do and try to achieve that.
Well, that's not, that's right, that's not the point in having your child do a lot of activities, so he will be great at everything, there're very few kids that are great at everything. But it's important to expose them to a lot of different activities, so they can find out what their passion about, what they love, because those are the activities that they are going to try their heart decide, and ultimately excel at.
Right, let them try, let them fail, let them do all that, use some great tips for parents, and you say, one of the things you do , when you wanna jump in and solve the problem, as you really got to ask yourself whose problem is this anyway.
Well, that's right. And a lot of parents you know, think back when they were kids, when they were in uncomfortable or hard situations, and then projected that onto their own child. So, for instance, if you weren't invited to the cool kid's party, and you see that's potentially happening to your daughter, you know, you need to say to yourself you know,who is my worry about, me or my kid?
En, and that's does a tough thing, and there is a lot of people experiencing up with parties. What about staying behind the scenes, it's a little bit, pulling back and stay in the background?
Right, again, very hard, and it might kill you to see your kids sitting on the bench during the basketball game week after week, but instead of running to the coach and dealing with yourself, talk to your child, you may be surprised to find out your child's gonna say, you know what, I am just happy to be on the team, I don't really mind not playing so much in every game. But if he is bothered by it, then it's your job as a parent to encourage him to go talk to the coach.
And you say it really help your kids hone decisions-making skills? Can you give us some examples of that ?
That's right, that's right. You know, life-long skills to be able to, to feel confident about making your own decisions, so for example, if you have a teenage daughter who wants to get some new clothes, decide on the budget, take her to the store, let her pick out her clothes, within certain parameters, You know,so she's making decisions on her own, er, same goals for it there's social problem at school, and instead of rushing to help your child deal with it, wait a couple of days, see if she can handle them on her own.
Also for friendship problems kind of try that,just, just...
Try to hold back just a little bit
You see though when your child is disappointed, you really can't help ease them through that, so we can we can show empathy obviously for a child's feeling?
Of course and your kids' feelings are gonna be hurt, when you go to the school, and you see that his child, his science project does not compare to his friend's whose chemical engineer father did it for him. But what you need to say to him is, you know what? I'm so proud of you, you did a great job, you did these all by yourself, and believe me , your teacher knows the difference between a child's work and an adult's work.
And you say it really rewrite the script about this setbacks. Help your child turn it around, right?
That's right, so if your child concerned and said, I failed my maths test, I'm so stupid. Say you know what, remember two weeks ago, when you did well on your test, you can do that again. So you're not gonna immediately say oh, Gee, you know,we'd better call the tutor, this is gotta be a problem here, you wanna make your child feel like, you know what, next time you are gonna do better, and here's how you gonna do it.
Help them keep all in perspective, and we need to keep parenting in first perspective,
That's right, we need to just calm down, and see, cause the truth is the kids need to learn ,you know, it's ok to make mistakes. (That's life!),you know ,it's life, and if you failed your math test, if you don't make the soccer team, it's not the end of world.
Linda Fears, thank you so much, you're always so sensible.
|