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Dr.Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist in the Today contributor. Hey Gail, good to see you.
Good morning, Matt.
Just happening a lot, this is kind of the stuff of fantasies in TV shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "Sex in the City"
I think we've seen it on a lot of TV shows because actually it's a very popular sexual fantasy for women. But whether it's actually happening on, I couldn't say it, I think, I think outen public were just seeing this, is representative couples that make us think: en, is that an option for me?
Well, talk about the fantasy side in the second but what, is there, is it possible that an explanation with this,if you look the studies now,25% of the American households, the, the primary breadwinner or the biggest breadwinner is the woman.(Correct)So, more and more women simply don't need to date someone who makes a lot of money or has a big powerful job.
Well, they don't need the money, they don't need that kind of protection. But they may therefore look for other things. They may be looking for honesty, they may be looking for sincerity, they may be looking for authority of a different kind in brawn and rather than brain. (So you think they, they...)
So they enjoy and maybe that they also enjoy having the upper hand in the relationship because they make more money (yeah) and in some ways they have more power?
Well, it's interesting because very competitive women can go one or two ways. They can be competitive and want a mate who enhances their status externally. Or they can be so competitive that they know they will compete with their mate. And they don't want someone that they are gonna feel really competitive with.
I, I think also perhaps it take some of the baggage out of the relationship. Nobody can accuse you of dating someone for their money or for their status or anything like that. In some way you can almost say this is love for love's sake.
You can say that but (It doesn't work, though.) of course there is other baggage. There is other baggage because people are going to say something to you about what your mate does?
What, what is the biggest peril in the relation like this for the women?
Well, for the women it's that if she's responsive to what other people say, people will say your husband does what or your boyfriend does what? So that can definitely affect touch....
Or this is about sex and it can't be about a real relationship?
Well, this isn't really going to work. So people will potentially put her down and also for her, if that person doesn't travel in her world, it can be hard to find a lot of compatibility. If values matter the most to you, if the honesty and sincerity and the warmth that contributing at home are really primary for you, then it could work out. But for a lot of people, or for a lot of women I should say, other issues coming to play. How much this person enhances you externally? How much on the same page? How much you travel in the same world? Those issues can matter awful lot.
And so flip side the biggest problem for the men again, do I travel in the same circle, Am, Am I uncomfortable in that circle?
And you'd better be an incredibly secure guy. And some of these, some of these guys are. They are very secure because you've gotta believe in yourself. You've gotta believe in what you bring to the table. If you don't, then what other people are saying and those social situations will perhaps, you are with her friends and so on, can be very uncomfortable and undermining.
And, and let's face it. There are going to be times if you were the guy in this relationship, were you going to hear behind your back,(Absolutely)the snickers and the jokes, and things like that?
You know what's gonna be afraid is basically she is using you,she is gonna turn you in when she's done having fun.
Now the other idea here is the opposite to track that if you, if this relationship goes beyond the courtship stage and turn into marriage (Right) or maybe that's a good thing. However, (em...) study showed that in long-term happiness in the marriage (that's right.) not so good to be opposite.
Compatibility is so important however let me say this, if you are religiously compatible, if your morals and values are compatible, if what you want in life is compatible. And the difference is really this job arena. It can still work but you have to be extremely honest with yourself. What matters to you in life, what matters to you if it's status, and power matter to you then frankly you are gonna be in trouble.
And if you do plan on taking this past dating stage into a real relationship you should really have that frank discussion both partners say "look, here the problems we are gonna be facing over the course of this marriage. We got to be ready."
You've gotta be empty up , you got to be honest, and first you gotta be honest with yourself.
Gail Saltz Gail, thanks very much.
My pleasure
Appreciated.
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