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When couples get married, they often promise to love, honor and cherish each other. Too often, those traditional wedding vows turn out to be nothing but empty promises. Psychologist Doc. Robin Smith who often appears on Oprah says it doesn't have to be that way. Her new book "Lies at the Altar" offers advice on building a happy and healthy marriage.
Dr. Robin, good morning!
Good morning!
So great to have you here!
I'm happy to be here, Julie.
Ok. You didn't necessarily write this for couples who are married or people're thinking of getting married. It's written for everyone, (Absolutely) right?
Yeah. It's because what the book is really about, Lies at the ALTAR is talking about living more in truth than in lies. Lies about what? About who we are, and so when you don't know who you are, it's hard to create, it's actually impossible to create, to carve and to build the life and relationship of our dreams.
When you say lies at the altar, these are not intentional lies. (yes) It's not like the bride and the groom were saying, yeah, I'm gonna love / and cherish you, but I'm really not, hahaha. (no) It's, it's you think you are, but you don't know who you are yet?
You don't know who you are and often unfortunately because of the models that we've had in our families also on television. There hasn't been anyone who has given us permission, who has shown us the way, the path into living more in the truth, so we're afraid to let someone know who we are. Because maybe they won't love us, maybe they won't choose us, maybe they'll decide, you know, that's not the person that I wanna spend my life with. What we don't know is that if I live with that kinda fear, and I live covering up who I really am, I am cheating myself and minimizing the possibility of really having a good, strong marriage. I mean, my message is pro-marriage but it's about being married and being smart.
Do you feel that many people, men and women, not only cover up who they really are to their significant other but to themselves?
Absolutely, I mean, I think it starts actually with the cover-up to yourself being an impostor, and again not because we are bad, not because we are liars, not because we are conniving, but because we are afraid, we are afraid of knowing really who we really are, because we think we are gonna lose out when choices and opportunities not knowing that how we really lose out is by being the impostor, that is the cheater, the thief and the robber.
So how do we confront who we really are, whether it's a conversation with, you know, myself, looking at myself in the mirror, good and bad.
Absolutely. Well, there're several things, one, I always ask people tell me something great about yourself, and then tell me what some of your limitations are. People can often come up with something good, but it's hard for people to be clear about where their limitations are. You know,you, they can talk about they are great wife in this way and great husband in that way, but tell me where you're falling short, and the falling short part is critical because then I have a place to, to know where do I need to do the new work. So I came in the book and I talked about showing up as a grown-up, part of being mature, and grown-up isn't age, it's about knowing who I am, what works for me, what doesn't, what my values are. Those types of things are critical to really know a: first about me, and then about the person / I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
You have, what, like 276 questions in here(Absolutely) for someone to ask themselves. And then,(first) first and then you're hopeful potential future mate. (Absolutely) Answering these questions honestly can really help you figure out if the two of you should be together.
Absolutely, and then we wanna be aware if you haven't gotten married yet, it's great, because you can go on this and use it like as an, you know, an exploring mission where I get to know me, I get to know you, and not to be afraid of the truth, 'cause we are again, we are scared because we haven't really learned that the truth will make us free. It's the only foundation to a good, strong life and marriage. But for couples who are married who are thinking, Ok, wait a minute, let me put the seat belt on, coz' now I'm scared. I'm 20 years in a marriage. I have kids and I don't know if I wanna ask myself this. (Right) Where it is really useful for married couples is that they can track, oh, that's where we've been stuck, we don't have to throw marriages out, there're too many people getting divorced who actually have marriages that can work and be saved, but they don't have the tools and "Lies at the ALTAR" it's gonna... (It's a tool), it's a tool, (It is a tool) I mean this is, it's a tool to really empower your life and then your marriage.
It's a great book. Now I know why, it's No.1 in its category(Thank you) on the New York Times.
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