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Etiquette with your Ex, we went to the streets of New York and we asked women about situations in which they might need help when it comes to dealing with a former love.
Ginny from New Jersey wanted to know whether it's better to tell or not to tell on an ex.
My friend is dating my ex. I know something about my ex that she really should know. Do I tell her or do I let it go?
Whoop, well here to help us is Janet Taylor, a clinical instructor of psychiatry at Columbia University Harlem Hospital. And she sits on the advisory board of Family Circle and she's here with tips on ex etiquette 101.
Janet Taylor, good morning.
Thank you, good morning. Hannah.
What do you think about the question from that last woman? She knows something, should she tell her friend about her ex?
Well, it's a great question. Simple answer--let it go.
Really, why?
Because she doesn't wanna. . . you don't wanna be in the middle. One of the benefits of having an ex is that you have your own freedom to determine yourself and take control. You put yourself in the middle, if you're, if it’s your friend, she is gonna come back and ask you. You need to be prepared to tell the truth. But you don't wanna be the one who is micro-managing your ex-husband in the situation/, it's your time.
Yeah, that sounds awful. That sounds like a very dangerous territory as well.
Very dangerous territory.
Em, something that people have a lot of problems with an ex. Together they have one set of friends. When they split up, what happen? So let's take a look at another question, Ok?
OK.
How are we going to deal with mutual-friends in a social situation?
Wow, what advice to give people about that?
Well, the dynamics is changed, so the relationship is changed, but your friends don't necessarily have to. A lot of times, friends don't know what to say, who do I invite, do I invite her, do I invite him? Test the waters, if they're really your friends, you'll know and they will be there for you. If not, then maybe you just have to re-engage new friends or find people who support you.
It's not only friends that can be an issue, but also family members and one Family Circle reader writes in this question. " I love my in-laws. I divorced their son, not them. And they're still my kids' grandparents. What's the best way to maintain my relationship with them? A lot of people have a problem with that.
Exactly, embrace your in-laws, a lot of times grandparents are the only ones at difficult times to show unconditional love. Your kids need that, you need that. Older individuals, a lot of times have wisdom that you could take in. But the fact is just because you divorce their son; your kids still need them and your family.
You know, sometimes there is a temptation, even though it's their son, to still ask your in-laws to take your side. And that's something that you really shouldn't do, right?
Well, it's hard to say shouldn't, it's natural. I mean most divorces aren't necessarily pleasant. And so the sense is you take a side or another, but as adults, and thinking about what's best for yourself and your children. The cleaner you can be, and understanding that everyone needs support, it's better.
Yes, so don't put your in-laws in a bad situation.
I would try not to.
Yeah, you know sometimes a lot of people have joint custody. They are dealing with two different households. And we had a question from Amy from Missouri about her and her ex who have different parenting styles.
My ex and I have different parenting styles, so our children are getting mixed messages when they stay at each home. So what can we do to compromise for them?
This is a tough one because people discipline differently, and it can be very confusing for the kids. So what should you do?
Don't confuse parenting styles with parenting rules. Obviously, you are gonna have a different style, you're different individuals. The key is to decide, to communicate and decide on some parenting enforceable rules, maybe one or two, then you can agree upon. And then focus on that.
So are these practical things like this "the kids are gonna go to bed at this time" or something like that?
Again enforceable rules, bed time, who's gonna clean up after dinner. You know some issues that can be decided beforehand that can help with consistency in both households.
Right, coz those kids need that stability,don't they? As much as they can living in two different households.
Absolutely.
Emm. . . thank you so much. Really appreciate your answering these questions.
You're welcome |