使用他们的名字

　　There’s a big difference emotionally between “I was so sorry to hear of your great loss!” and “Oh Margaret, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss!” It instantly personalizes your note and expresses more emotion. In this two-dimensional, impersonal space, connection is the goal.

　　“我很难过听到你亲人去世。”和“啊，玛格丽特，我很难过听到你亲人去世”之间情感上有很大不同。它能马上使你的留言个人化出来，并表达更多的情感。在这个二维，缺乏人情味的空间里，目标是建立起联系。

　　2. Say more than one sentence

　　多说些话

　　Offer a bit more of your time and thought than just 4-5 safe words of condolence. Move past your discomfort and add a few more lines. It will stand out among the one-liners and have a bigger impact on your friend.

　　多花点儿时间想些不止4-5个词这样稳妥的悼词。放下不安，多写几行。它会让你从那些只写一行话的人凸显出来，对你的朋友产生更大的影响。

　　3. Keep your comments simple in format

　　保持你的悼词形式的简洁

　　Shock, grief, horror, trauma…these emotional states slam the brain with tremendous power. The brain responds by shutting down several areas of what usually constitutes normal thinking. For instance, sometimes people experiencing these highly challenging emotions and states have trouble following complex stories or lines of reasoning. So don’t write a lengthy essay about grief and loss and the power of human connection. They need simple but sincere words. Try to include some of these phrases instead:

　　震惊、悲伤、恐惧、创伤……这些情绪状态以巨大的力量冲击着大脑。大脑通过关闭几处构成正常思维的区域而做出反应。例如，有时候正在经历这些极具挑战性的情绪和状态的人们不会听取复杂的故事或长篇大论。所以不要写一篇关于悲伤、损失和人际关系的力量的冗长的文章。他们需要的是简单却真挚的话语。相反的，你应该试着用这些短语。

　　“I think of you every day and wish I could do something to make life easier for you.”

　　“我每天都在想你，希望我能为你做些什么，让你的生活变得更容易一些。”

　　“We can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you right now, but you are a strong and loving soul who will somehow make it through this ordeal.”

　　“我们无法想象现在的事情对你来说是多么困难，但是你是一个坚强而内心充满爱的人，总会通过这个考验的。”

　　“I imagine you are just trying to get through the hours and days right now. I’ll call you in a week to see how you are and offer my love and support more personally.”

　　“我想你肯定想马上渡过这段艰难时光的。我会在一个星期内打电话给你，看看你过得怎样，并会提供我更多私下的爱和支持给你。”

　　4. Avoid (like the plague) saying any version of this being “God’s will”

　　避免（如瘟疫一般）说：这是“上帝的旨意”的任何版本Even devout people can hear this very differently than it is intended when they are deeply bereaved. Remember that they are somewhere between being in a state of shock and having heightened emotions, so they may hear this as “God wanted it this way.” If the bereaved say this, you can go with it, because they’ve set the precedent–the fact that they’re saying it indicates that this concept comforts them, so you’ll know it’s safe to agree. But saying it yourself puts you at risk of making a hurtful assumption.

　　当人们痛失亲人时，听到这句话所想到的会和这句话原本要传达的意义有很大不同。请记住，他们正处于一种震惊和极度敏感的状态，所以他们可能把这句话当成“上帝想要这样做。”如果死者家属说过这句话，那你可以使用这句话，因为他们设定了先例–他们说这表明这是一个能安慰他们的概念的事实，所以你会知道这句话是稳妥的。

　　5. Clichés are worse than saying nothing陈词滥调比什么都不说还要糟糕

　　As mentioned earlier, they can come off as hollow when you are trying to be sincere. Stick with phrases like, “I wish I could say something that would ease your anguish,” “We’ll keep checking back with you to see how you’re doing–we love you,” and “I’m always up at (5am or 11pm, etc.) in case you want to talk” are honest and supportive without being syrupy sweet. People appreciate that.

　　如之前提到的，你想表现出真诚而它们却很空洞。坚持说像是这样的话，“我希望我能说些能缓解你痛苦的话，”“我们会一直留意你的情况——我们爱你，”以及“如果你想要谈谈的话，我在(上午5点或是晚上11点等）会一直有空的”，这些话都很真诚，让别人感受到受到支持，而不只是空洞的好话。人们会感激这个的。

　　6. Avoid telling your story

　　避免讲述你的故事

　　Strike any comment that starts with “I know how you feel.” You don’t. You can’t. Every loss is an utterly unique situation. There are contexts we know nothing about that change the nuances of everyone’s story. Maybe the flood that hit their house swept away the ashes of their 6 month old baby that died 2 years ago. Maybe the heart attack that the family says killed their son was actually a drug overdose. It only heightens their pain when you try to compare what happened to you with what’s happening to them. The best thing you can do is offer unconditional, nonjudge mental loving kindness. Don’t try to compare your loss with theirs.

　　不要说任何以“我知道你的感受”开头的话。你不知道。你不可能知道。每个人失去亲人的情况都是不同的。每个故事里都有着我们毫不知晓的语境，这些能够让它们有所不同的细微差别。也许洪水袭击了他们的房子，冲走了他们2年前死去的6个月大的婴儿的骨灰。也许是家人说他们儿子死于心脏病发作，而实际上是死于药物过量。当你试图拿你身上发生的事情和他们的事情对比时，可能只会加深他们的痛苦。你能做的最好的事情就是提供无条件、无评判、精神上给予爱的善意。不要试图去把你的损失和他们比较。

　　7. Be mindful of their grief as time passes随着时间的流逝，留心他们的悲伤

　　Big losses—divorce, devastating illness or injury, fire, death—leave deep wounds of sorrow that can last for years. Everyone else moves on, leaving the bereaved feeling quite alone. Reach out during the holiday season. Drop a little note on days of significance (for my friends, it would be Fathers Day, for instance, or in a year, the date of their dad’s death.) Tell them you’re thinking of them that day. Those notes can help your friend make it through the tough times.

　　巨大的损失—离婚、毁灭性的疾病或伤痛、火灾、死亡——这些所留下的悲伤的深深的伤口会持续好些年。别人都走了，只留下失去亲友的人独自悲伤。在节假日的时候留心一下。记下有意义的几天（对于我的朋友们，会是父亲节，例如，或是在一年里，他们的父亲去世的日子），告诉他们那天你在想着他们。

　　If you use these guidelines the next time you’ve learned about a loss through social media, you’ll know your words of comfort are balm to your friend’s soul.

　　如果下次你能使用这些通过社交媒体学习到的悼词指南，你会知道你的安慰之词对你朋友的心灵是一种慰藉。