Happily ever after only exist in fairy tales. 

Yet, a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend.

I now pronounce you teddy bear and wife.

You may kiss the bear.

Proving that Americans ________1________.

So I got some big news.

Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby.

- That's awesome! Wait, how do you guys... - We need a sperm donor.

- What is that? What are you doing? - I'm getting ready to it.

What do you mean, "you're getting ready"? What are you doing with your hand?

I'm doing this for you so when I get in I can just bust it out.

What do you think, you're at a Red Lobster?

- Hey, Johnny you did it! - Right there, buddy!

- Catch! - What's the... Dude, that's somebody's kid!

Dude, it's in my eyes! _____2______!

Wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna take a picture and post it on Facebook!

What?!

- Hashtag "Grrrr monday". - Help me!

Oh my God, look at this! It says that if we want to have a baby you're gonna have to prove you're a person in a court of law!

- This is a nightmare! - We've got to fight this.

We'll get a lawyer, and we'll sue the government for your civil rights!

I'm Samantha Jackson. You must be Ted.

Huh, yeah, Samantha Jackson, what's you middle name?

- Leslie. - Oh my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!

That's great! I mean, it's just like Sam L. Jackson!

Who is that?

You have ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

They denied you the same rights as everybody else just because you're different.

Can you get me my life back?

Ted, do you believe you have a soul?

"What did you think I would do at this moment?"

Objection!

Overruled!

You want to be human in the eyes of the law.

The important thing about being human is making a contribution to society.

Where the hell is my coffee?! You're not building rockets, figure it out!

What a prick! 20 bucks I can ______3________ into that guy's ass crack.

- Do it! - I'm gonna do it.

- Oh my God! - Who did that?!

Sir, I apologize for my five year old child. Bad boy! You sit there and eat your fish nuggets!

Go! Go! Go!

All right, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?

Do you consider yourself to be human?

- Objection! Sustained! - No the witness can't object.

- Overruled! Guilty! - Sidebar! Speculation!

- Hearsay! Briefcase! In my chamber! - Bailiff! Disregard!

Stop beavering the witness!

- I rest. - We could totally be lawyers.