你们不会这么说，但你们知道这是真的。

　　Good evening everybody.

　　大家晚上好。

　　It is an honor to be here at my last, and perhaps the last White House correspondents’ dinner.

　　很高兴来到我最后一次也可能是史上最后一次白宫记者晚宴。

　　You all look great. The end of the Republic has never looked better.

　　你们看起来都很漂亮，共和国的末日看起来从未如此美好过。

　　I do apologize. I know I was a little late tonight.

　　抱歉我今晚有些迟到。

　　I was running on CPT, which stands for jokes that white people should not make.

　　我是按照CPT时间来的，意思是白人不能讲的笑话。

　　That’s a tip for you, Jeff.

　　给你的小贴士哦，Jeff（收到）。

　　Anyway, here we are, my eighth and final appearance at this unique event.

　　好了，这是我第八次也是最后一次参与这特别的活动。

　　And I am excited. If this material works well, I’m going to use it at Goldman Sachs next year.

　　我很兴奋，如果我的段子很出彩，明年我留着到高盛再讲一次。

　　Earn me some serious Tubmans.

　　赚点银子。

　　That’s right. That’s right.

　　没错，没错。

　　My brilliant and beautiful wife Michelle is here tonight.

　　我聪慧美丽的妻子米歇尔今晚也来了。

　　She looks so happy to be here.

　　她看起来挺开心。

　　It’s called practice.

　　其实这叫熟能生巧。

　　It’s like learning to do three-minute planks.

　　跟练习三分钟平板支撑差不多。