Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right. 好吧，你留这儿陪我会更好点，但没关系啦

Hey, Sheldon. Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr.D'Onofrio. 嘿，谢尔顿。你好，我想让多诺弗里奥先生给我剪头

I'm sorry, Uncle Tony's in the hospital. He's pretty sick. Oh, dear, Mr.D'Onofrio's in the hospital. 抱歉，托尼叔叔住院了。他病得很严重。天啊，多诺弗里奥先生住院了

Why do these things always happen to me? 我咋总碰到这种倒霉事呢?

I can cut it for you. 我可以给你剪呀

You're not Mr.D'Onofrio. 你不是多诺弗里奥先生

I get my hair cut by Mr.D'Onofrio. 我只让多诺弗里奥先生给我剪

You believe this guy? 这人简直是不可理喻

Excuse us for a second. 我俩单独聊下

Sheldon, it's okay, he can do it. He's a barber.  谢尔顿，有啥的，他也可以剪啊，他是理发师。

He's not a barber, he's the nephew. 他才不是理发师，他是他侄子

He's an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. 他就是典型靠亲戚上位的那类人，这在理发行业中很常见

Besides, Mr.D'Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas. 况且，多诺弗里奥先生知道，我想剪啥样的，因为他有我在德克萨斯的理发记录

What are you talking about? 你在说啥呢?

When I first moved here, I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr.D'Onofrio. 我刚搬到这儿时，很害怕找新的理发师，所以我妈把我的理发记录，都寄给了多诺弗里奥先生

There's no such thing as haircut records. Yes, there are. 根本就没有理发记录这回事儿。有的

Have you ever seen them? 你见过吗?

No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I'll bet you dollars to donuts that this one doesn't have them. 没，但我妈向我保证送来了，而且我敢打赌，这人肯定没有

Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records? 打扰下。你有我的理发记录吗?

Your what? To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends--not with a bang but with a nephew. 你的啥?套用艾略特（20世纪影响最大的诗人）的话，这就是世界终结的方式，并非一声巨响，而是一个侄子

Sheldon, you're a grown man, he's a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. 谢尔顿，你不是小孩子了，他是专业的，再说你的发型就是，那1946年海报上的三号发型

Just sit down and let him do it. 快坐下让他剪吧

Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it's on you. 好吧，但我要剪完像个白痴，全赖你

So my kid said the funniest thing today. Nope. 我孩子今天说了个超有趣的事儿。不行

When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky. 你等会儿要讲这事的话，我们一般用"怪咖"来形容他

What are you doing? 好的你在干啥?

I'm trying to get the hair out of my eyes. 我头发快要挡住我眼睛了

Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut. 谢尔顿，你只是迟了一天剪头

Thank you for captioning my nightmare. 谢谢你提醒我那场噩梦

Lookie here, I got my travel orders. 快看，我收到调令了

Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz is requested to report to the NASA Johnson Space Center, Houston, Texas, for astronaut training Monday 8:00 a.m. 美航局要求负载专家霍华德·沃洛维茨，于周一上午8:00前去...德克萨斯州，休斯顿市的，约翰逊航天中心报到参与宇航员培训

Yeah, but it's from NASA, so it's 0800. 这是美航局发的，应该念0800

But it says  8:00 a.m 但它写的是上午8:00啊

You read it as  0800. 你要读成0800

It doesn't have an  O  in front of it. 前面又也没有0

You know what does have an  oh  in front of it? Oh, my God, I'm an astronaut, and you're dying of jealousy. 这儿确实是有个噢。噢，天啊，我是宇航员，你快嫉妒死了

So, what kind of things are they...? Will you stop that? 所以他们都...?你能歇会儿吗?

I can't help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob. 我没办法，我现在就像个青春偶像

You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair. I could do it for you. 谢尔顿，我给我兄弟剪过头发，我可以帮你剪呀

Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, 佩妮，我知道你是好意，想为我剪村里儿的发型，但...

here in town, we don't churn our own butter, we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks, 这是城里，我们不自己做黄油，我们不穿麻布袋做的衣服

and, uh, we sure as shootin' don't get our hair cut by bottle-blonde... Sheldon, be nice. 而且我们也肯定不会让，染黄毛的人给你...谢尔顿，友善点

I'm sorry, it's the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair. 抱歉，都是这发型惹的祸

You could go to my guy. 你可以去找我的理发师

He's at Juan-Juan in Beverly Hills. 他在比弗利山的Juan-Juan店

They bring you a cup of tea, they'll massage your scalp. 他们会为你上茶，按摩头皮

It's about $200, but sometimes you look in the next chair and you see a superstar like Tony Danza. 要花200美元，但有时你旁边会坐着，像托尼·丹泽那样的巨星

Quick question here: Have we actually changed the conversation from, I'm going to astronaut training to Sheldon can't get a haircut? 问一下，咱们真要从，我要接受宇航员培训这个话题转到谢尔顿不能剪头?

Now who's dying of jealousy? Oh, it's you. 现在是谁嫉妒死了?噢，是你啊

I'm a cowboy On a steel horse I ride I'm wanted, I'm wanted, Wanted Dead or alive. 我是个牛仔，胯下骑着威武铁马，通缉令上都是我，都是我，都是我呀，死活均可

Sheldon, you're ruining girlfriend- boyfriend sing-along night. 谢尔顿，你破坏了情侣合唱之夜。

I'm sorry. I'm looking for a barber and I'm running out of time. 抱歉,我在找理发师，时间紧迫

My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. 我的头发正在以每飞秒，4.6攸米的速度生长

if you're quiet, you can hear it. 如果你安静点，都能听到

What about Supercuts? I tried once. "超级剪"（连锁理发店）怎么样?我去过一次

They do men's and women's hair in the same room at the same time. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse. 他们在一间屋子里，同时给男性和女性理发，就像配有摩丝的所多玛和蛾摩拉（圣经中两座罪恶之城）

Well, this isn't a crisis. Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little? 这又不是什么大事，就让头发长点呗

Why don't I let my hair grow out? 为什么?

Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks and seeking validation of my opinions by asking  Can you dig it? 那我不如直接穿上勃肯凉鞋，然后问一句，"你喜欢不"来验证我的选择

Well, I don't know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. 我不知道，我觉得你留长发会更性感

The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse. 长发披肩，骑马时飘逸在后的感觉

Bareback and bare-chested. 光着脊梁，骑在无鞍马背上

I'm gonna go brush my teeth; it might take a while 我去刷个牙，可能时间会久一点

Hi, sweetie. I miss you. I miss you, too. 嗨，亲爱的。我想你了，我也是

So tell me all about your first day. 跟我说说你第一天是怎么过的

Oh, wow, where do I even start? 噢，从哪里开始好呢

I got to experience zero gravity. 我体验了失重的感觉

Cool. How do they do that? It's pretty neat. 真好，他们是怎么做到的，挺简单的

You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for, like, 20 seconds, 先坐进一架飞机，它大概向上冲20秒

and then straight back down like it's going to crash, and they do it over and over again, 然后又像坠毁一样笔直向下冲，他们这样反复好几遍

you know, no matter how many times you throw up. 也不管你吐了多少次

You threw up? Yeah... and the craziest part is, because there's no gravity, the throw-up kind of floats there... 你吐了?恩...最疯狂的是，由于失重，呕吐物会飘在那儿

in a little ball, and if your mouth is open because you're screaming... sometimes it just floats right back in. 聚成个小球，如果你张嘴，因为要尖叫嘛，有时，它可能会飘回你嘴里

Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens. 如果这样的话，大家都会笑你的

That sounds mean. 他们真坏

No. Yeah, I would have laughed, too, but I didn't want the vomit to come back out. 还好啦，其实我也想笑，但我不想让呕吐物再出来

Anyway... Oh, could you do me a favor and overnight me some more underwear? Sure, why? 随便了...你能帮忙，赶紧再寄些内裤给我吗?可以啊，怎么了?

I got a look at the centrifuge they're going to spin me around in tomorrow, and I have a hunch I packed a little light. 因为我明天要去离心机里疯转，我有预感，我带的内裤有点少

Mr.D'Onofrio? It's me, Sheldon. 多诺弗里奥先生?是我，谢尔顿

They didn't have anything barber-themed in the gift shop, so I got you this. 礼品店没有理发师主题的礼物，所以我给你买了这个

I don't know if you can read his little T-shirt. It says, um, Get well bear-y soon. 你可能看不到这件T恤，上面写着，尽快"熊"起

Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now, you'd be laughing. 相信我，要是你现在有意识，你肯定会笑的

Anyway... There's new studies that show, people in comas are aware of everything going on around them. 算了...新的研究表明，昏迷中的人能感知到，周围发生的事

With that in mind, if you can hear me, move away from the light and toward the sound of these scissors. 考虑到这一点，如果你听到我说话，就到剪刀这边来

Can I help you?  有什么要帮忙吗?

Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape? 是的，有啥能让我披的吗?

Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure? 天啊，你是不是把药吐了，然后从九楼溜到这里探险呢

Oh, no, no, I'm just here to get my hair cut. 不，我只是来这里理发的

I-I see. J-Jus-Just wait here one moment. Security! 我知道了就，就，就在这里等一下。保安!

I got to run. But not with scissors-- that would be unsafe. 我得跑了。但不能拿着剪刀，太不安全了

So, if I move my horsey here... isn't that checkmate and I win? 如果我的小马走到这儿...是不是就将军，然后赢了?

Well, is it or isn't it? 是不是啊?

You know, I think this is a good stopping point. 我觉得咱就玩到这儿吧

Uh, it's your first real game. I threw a lot of information at you. 这是你第一次玩，我给你讲的规则太多了

Well, no, I mean, your king is trapped. He can't go here because of my lighthouse,  不，你的王被困住了啊，他不能走这边，我这里有灯塔（其实是城堡，即"车"），

and... he can't go here because of my pointy-head guy. 然后...他也不能走这边，这有我的尖头小人，（主教，即"象"）

Like I said, complicated game. 我说了嘛，这很复杂

So did I win or not? 那我到底赢了没啊?

Did you have fun? 你玩得开心吗?

Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. 要是你玩得开心，你就赢了

That's, that-that's what chess is all about. 这就是象棋的意义所在

Hello. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move. Eh, why? 你们好。抱歉，谢尔顿，我马上换。干吗换?

My spot, your spot-- what difference does it make? 我的位子，你的位子，有什么区别?

Okay, what just happened? I don't know. 刚刚发生了什么?不知道

Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, 你能像鲍比·菲舍尔（前国际象棋冠军）一样下棋，谢尔顿也不介意你坐在他的位子上

I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events. 我猜是有人回到了过去，踩死了个虫子，然后改变了人类世界的进程（出自"蝴蝶效应"）

Uh, sweetie, are you all right? 亲爱的，你还好吗?

No, I'm not all right. 不，我不好

It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened. 我头发已经晚剪六天了，居然也没发生什么可怕的事

Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand. 抱歉，我不明白你的意思

Leonard, explain it to her. Oh, uh, he's crazy. 莱纳德，给她解释一下。他疯了

I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. 我一生都希望借由精心计划，来使世界秩序井然

But all my efforts-- our dinner schedule, my pajama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet... 但我所有的努力我们的晚餐计划，我的睡衣轮换表，排便估算表...

it's clear now, I've been wasting my time. 我终于明白了，我是在浪费时间