This old guy was choking on his food, and I saved his life. 一个老头子吃东西噎到了， 我救了他一命

You're kidding. Did you Heimlich him? 真的吗， 你对他用了海姆立克急救法吗

No. I said, "Oh, my God, I think that old guy's choking," 没有， 我说， 天啊， 我觉得他噎着了

and then one of the busboys Heimlich'ed him. 然后一个勤杂工对他用了海姆立克急救法

You're a hero. Yeah, that was the point of the story. 你真是英雄。我就是这意思

Oh, yeah, speaking of work, do you know if you have Thursday night off? 说到工作， 你周四晚上是不是不用上班

Um, I think so. Why? 好像是， 怎么了

What do you mean, why? It's Valentine's Day. 什么叫"怎么了"  那天是情人节啊

Oh, right. Yeah, we can do something. 对哦。我们可以约个会

You could be a little more into it. 你可以表现得更热情一点

No, I'm into it, I'm into it. 我很热情， 我很热情

Just, there's so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out. 只是要想度过一个特别之夜压力好大，而且结果总不尽如人意

Okay, well, this time it's going to be different. 今年的情人节会有所不同的

Because I am like a romance ninja. 因为我就像一个浪漫忍者

You don't see it coming, and then bam! 出乎你意料， 突然一下

Romance, watch out, hearts, kisses, love, oohya! 浪漫， 注意， 心形， 亲亲， 爱情

You know, sometimes I think I've made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that. 有时我以为我把你改造得比以前酷多了然后你就会闹腾两下证明我错了

So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste. 总而言之我认为吃完辣椒后排泄时感受到的痛苦证明了直肠的确有味觉

I concur, but you changed the subject. 我同意， 但你改变了话题

What are we doing for Valentine's Day? 我们情人节有什么安排

Oh, you caught that, did you?  被你发现了？

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay! Okay. Everything okay? 好，行，可以，没问题，好的啦好，一切都还"好"吗

Bernie's a little cranky since she's been working, like, 17 hours a day. 妮妮有些暴躁因为她一天工作17个小时

And I've got a lot on my plate, too, because I've been busting my tail playing Assassin's Creed. 我也没闲着， 因为我一直，都在忙着玩《刺客信条》

Hey, Stuart, you got anything going on for Valentine's Day? Not really. 斯图尔特，你情人节有什么安排吗？没有

Other than hiding all the sharp objects around here and whiteknuckling it till morning. 只是把这里所有尖锐的东西都藏起来然后紧张兮兮到天明

What do you got going on? 你打算干什么

Oh, well, I was going to spend the night with my special little lady, but, uh, she got worms, and then I had to take her to the vet. 我本打算和我的小宝贝共度今晚， 但是它长了寄生虫， 所以我得送它去看兽医

There must be something we can do. 肯定能找到事情打发时间的

Well, uh, how about you keep the store open late, and we throw a party for all the people who don't have dates? 不如你晚点关门我们举办一个派对邀请所有没约会的人

That actually sounds kind of nice. 听起来真是个好主意

Yeah, the theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is the love he has with himself. That's good. 派对主题是， 一个男人所拥有的最伟大的爱就是对自己的爱。挺好

Or maybe something a little less "Hand in the pants." 或者换个听着不那么像打飞机的主题

Oh, Alex, excellent. 艾利克斯， 太好了

I have a research problem that I believe you can help with. 我有个研究问题我相信你能助我一臂之力

Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. 库珀博士， 谢谢

I've been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work. 我一直在等待一个机会为你的科研做出贡献

Oh, no, no. That's not going to happen, no. 不不， 没那可能， 绝对没

What I need you to do is find a Valentine's gift for my girlfriend. 我是要你为我的女朋友挑情人节礼物

You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you. 你知道我推掉了费米实验室的工作， 而选择与你合作吧（美国最重要的物理学研究中心之一）

Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. 看来那些小伙子们得找别人来给他们的女友买礼物了

Now, here is... Let's see. This is... This is about $2,000. 这里有，瞧瞧，这里，这里大概是两千块

Um, I think she likes monkeys and the color gray. 我觉得她喜欢猴子和灰色

Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things. 为我的科研做出贡献，小孩子真是会胡扯

Hey, you coming to lunch? 去吃中饭吗

Yeah, one second.Come here. I want to show you something. 稍等片刻过来， 给你看个东西

What you looking at?Well, I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette for Valentine's Day since she's been such a pain in the ass. 你在看什么呢我想送个非常浪漫的情人节礼物给伯纳黛特因为她最近真的很讨厌

You can't find a card that says that? Check it out. 找不到上面写着"你很讨厌"的贺卡吗？来看看

I used the atomic force microscope in the material science lab and wrote our initials in a heart 1/1,000 the size of a grain of sand. 我动用了材料科学实验室的原子力显微镜， 在沙粒千分之一大小的心形上刻上了我俩姓名首字母

Oh, that's cool. A microvalentine for a microbiologist. 太帅了，给微生物学家准备的"微小"情人节礼物

From her microhusband. That is amazing. 她"微小"的丈夫送的。太棒了

How long did this take you? 你花了多长时间

Mmm, about 12 hours. I pulled an allnighter. 大概12个小时。我忙活了整个通宵

Yeah, I know, it really took a bite out of my video game time. 我知道， 我的游戏时间惨遭侵占

What are you and Penny doing? 你和佩妮打算干什么

Oh, I'm going to take her to a nice restaurant for dinner. 我打算带她去高级餐厅共进晚餐

Oh, that's not bad, but as far as romance goes, I think my gift hits it right out of... 还不错， 但从浪漫的角度来说我觉得我的礼物完全胜过了...

Want to come to dinner with us?  Yes, please. Okay. 想和我们共进晚餐吗， 带上我吧。好

Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine's gift, so... you're up kid. 艾米马上就会到她在期待超赞的情人节礼物， 所以该你了丫头

Dazzle me. Go. Okay, I think I have some really great choices. 尽请支招吧。我确实有几个妙招

I went on Amy's Facebook page and read up on her interests. 我到艾米的Facebook主页上了解了一下她的喜好

Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. 瞧吧， 我就绝对想不到这样做

Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you  很明显， 把此事交给你来办真是太英明了

But I am telling you,Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot..  你得知道，艾米找到我做男朋友可真是中了头奖

Anyway, my socks are on. 总之， 我脚上有袜子

Let's knock them off. 快快把它们吓掉吧（knock socks off给人惊喜）

Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs. 我知道她喜欢弹竖琴所以我找到了这个精致的音乐盒弹奏的是她最喜欢的曲子

Now, Amy already has a real harp. 可是艾米已经有真正的竖琴了

And it can play any song. 那玩意可以弹任何曲子

What are you trying to pull here? 这一招的高明之处在哪

No, I just thought it would be...  Next. Okay. 不， 我只是觉得这个， 下一个。好吧

Um, I know she's a fan of The Canterbury Tales, so I found... this cool map that illustrates the characters' journey through England. 我知道她很喜欢《坎特伯雷故事集》（英国诗人乔叟的着名诗体短篇小说集）所以我找到了这张很酷的地图，上面标明了书中人物在英国的旅行路线

I thought we could put it in a really nice frame. 我们可以选个漂亮的框子裱起来

But she's got Google Maps on her phone. 但她的手机里装了谷歌地图

I don't know how to respond to that. 我词穷了

Well, I hope it's with a third good option, because these first two... blah. Okay. 我希望还有第三个不错的选择这前两个也太逊了。好吧

Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. 幸运的是， 我把最好的留在最后了

Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramony Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. 艾米是个神经学家，我做了点调查发现圣地亚哥?拉蒙尼?卡哈尔现代神经科学之父曾绘制过许多脑细胞的手绘图

And I managed to find this signed print. 而我想办法拿到了这幅有其签名的版本

Oh, this is truly remarkable. Thank you. 这个可真了不起。谢谢

I think I'll keep it for myself. 我自己收下了

What about your girlfriend? 那你的女朋友呢

It's too late. I call dibs. This place is really beautiful. Wah... romance ninja. Sorry we're late. 太晚了， 我说了这个归我了。这家餐厅真是不错。浪漫忍者。抱歉迟到了

No problem. We just sat down. 没关系， 我们刚坐下

Mmm, would you like some wine? Yeah, fill her up. 想来点红酒吗？好，给我倒上

I'll tell you when to stop. 叫你停再停

Is everything okay? Terrific. Couldn't be better. Oh, bite me. 一切都还好吗？好极了， 没法再好了。你奈我何

Look, we can still have a nice night. 我们今晚还是可以开开心心的

Just tell me where it is. 告诉我在哪就行了

Maybe if you did what you said you were going to do, I'd tell you. 你要是能说到做到， 我就会告诉你了

Uh, where what is? 什么东西在哪

She hid my XBOX like I'm a child. 她像对付小孩一样， 把我的游戏机藏起来了

Yeah, and my mom got me that for my birthday, so if you don't give it back, I'm telling. 那可是我妈妈给我的生日礼物你要是不还给我， 我就告状去

I've been working late every night. 我每天都工作到很晚

All I asked was that he clean the apartment and do one load of laundry. 我只不过是要求他，把家里收拾干净， 洗一次衣服

But did he do it? No. 但他做了吗， 没有

He just kept on playing that stupid game. 他就那么心安理得地玩那蠢游戏

You like pushing buttons so much, try pushing them on the washing machine. 你这么喜欢按按钮，干嘛不按按洗衣机的按钮

I said I'm sorry. Sorry doesn't clean my underpants, buddy. 我道过歉了。道歉可洗不了我的内裤， 哥们

I told you, turn them inside out. 我跟你说过了， 翻过来穿就行了

And I told you to bite me. 然后我说我不愿意你奈我何

Trying to have a magical night here, guys. 我们还想度过美好时光呢

Oh, son of a bitch.  What? 见鬼， 怎么了

Nothing. Nothing. No, tell me. 没什么。说嘛

It's just this guy I used to date. 那是我的前男友

Until he cheated on me with my friend Gretchen, who's here with him now. 后来他背着我和我的朋友格雷琴偷腥也就是和他在一起那女的

You're kidding. And it looks like she lost a lot of weight, damn it. 不是吧。她好像瘦了不少， 可恶

I know it's not ideal, but don't let them ruin our night. 我知道他们的出现让你不开心，但没必要让他们毁了我们的夜晚

No, you're totally right. 对， 你说得对

She could be skinny 'cause she's dying. That's the spirit. 她可能是因为快死了所以这么瘦。这么想就对了

You know what, screw them. 管他们的呢

Our night is going to be way more special than theirs. Yeah. What? 我们的夜晚会比他们的难忘许多，对，怎么了

Oh, you got to be kidding me. Oh, my God, yes. 逗姐玩呢是吧。天啊， 我愿意

Of course I'll marry you. Two can play this game. Penny...  Get up. All right. 我愿意嫁给你，谁说我们不行了。佩妮， 给我起来。好

It's nice that all the people who are lonely on Valentine's Day can come here tonight and be together. 所有在情人节没有伴侣的单身人士能来这里聚聚真好

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. 是啊， 我很期待

In fact, there's no place I would rather be than here. 事实上， 我就想待在这里， 哪也不想去