读者文摘:最搞笑的职场段子之综合篇（在线收听）

I showed up wearing two different-colored shoes to make a major presentation to an audience of 230 people.

我穿着两只不同颜色的鞋出现了，对着230名观众做一次重大的陈述。

This guy came into my Walmart back room, put on a vest, picked up the biggest TV, put it on a cart, dropped it, and then asked me to help lift it.

有个家伙走进我在沃尔玛的后室，穿上一件背心，拿起最大的电视，把它放在手推车上，把它扔掉，然后让我帮忙把它抬起来。

The guy thanked me and left with his brand-new TV that I'd helped him steal.

这个家伙谢了我，然后带着我帮他偷的全新电视离开了。

At the end of a phone call, I told my boss I loved him.

在挂电话的时候，我告诉老板我爱他。

I caught myself, but started rambling: "Oh my God! I didn't mean that.

我控制住自己，但是开始乱扯：“我的天，我不是这个意思。

I absolutely don't love you ... No, I mean, I like working for you but I know you're married and I'm married, and I'm not flirting, so please don't report me to HR ..."

我肯定不爱你...不，我的意思是，我喜欢为你工作，但是我知道你已经结婚了，我也结婚了。我没有在调情，所以请不要把这个报告给HR...”

At some point, he just hung up.

在某个时间，他把电话挂掉了。

I once sent a company-wide virus warning by forwarding an e-mail

我曾经通过转发电子邮件向全公司发出病毒警告，

so people could see what it looked like should they receive one and forgetting to remove the infected attachment.

这样人们就能看到如果他们接受了一个而忘记移除受感染的附件是什么样子。

On my first day of work, I accidentally called my boss "Daddy."

我第一天上班的时候，我错误地叫我的老板“父亲”。

When I was a teenager, I applied for a job at a hospital gift shop and was so pumped when I got the call that they wanted me.

当我是个青少年的时候，我申请了一个医院礼品店的工作，我接到他们录取我的电话时非常高兴。

When I showed up for my first shift, the manager gave me the weirdest look, then told me to wait while she called someone.

当我第一次上夜班的时候，经理用最奇怪的眼神看了我，然后让我等她给别人打电话。

Turns out that they interviewed two girls named Jessica and meant to hire the other one. They offered me a candy bar "for my trouble." I'm still bitter.

结果是他们面试了两个叫杰西卡的姑娘，他们想录取的是另外一个。给我带来了不便，他们给了我一个糖果。我现在还苦涩。

Dumb applicants. Looking for a job? Make sure your resume is up to snuff. A lot of job seekers don't, and we've pulled together some actual blunders to prove it.

愚蠢的求职者。在找工作吗？确保你的简历是状况良好的。很多的求职者的简历都不好。我们收集了一些实际的错误来证明这一点。

Objective. "To secure a position as a front office."

目标：“寻找一个前台职位。”

Employment history. Last job: "Drove a toe truck." Before that: "Worked in the dessert."

工作经历。上一份工作：“开卡车。”那之前：“在沙漠中工作。”

And before that: "Oversaw all new corporate accusations." "Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing, and executing final candidates."

在那之前：“监督所有新公司的指控。”职责包括招聘、面试和执行最终候选人。

And before that one: "Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

在这个之前：“给家里的狗洗澡、梳洗，喂养多年。”

Skills. "Perfectionist with a keen I for details." "Being bilingual in 3 languages." "Natural born larder." References. "Clare."

技能。“完美主义者，对细节有敏锐的洞察力。”“精通三种双语。”“天生的食品室。”介绍信。“克莱尔”。

Compensation. "Current salary: $36,000. Salary desired: $223,000."

报酬。“当下薪资：36000美元。期望薪资：223000美元。”

Interests. "I enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians."

兴趣。“我喜欢做中国菜和意大利菜。”

"My three biggest hobbies are cars, racquetball, golf, and reading."

“我的三个最大的爱好是汽车，壁球、高尔夫球和阅读。”

"I like doughnuts, cupcakes, chocolate, and ice cream. Together." "Honestly, I like doing nothing."

“我喜欢甜甜圈、纸杯蛋糕、巧克力和冰淇淋。在一起吃。”“说实话，我什么都不喜欢做。”

Education. "Graduated in 2911."

教育。“毕业于2911年。”