Mike: Hey. Mother.
Maggie: Your tour has just been cancelled.
Mike: I thought you were working late tonight.
Maggie: I did.
Mike: Well, you'll be pleased to know that I did all the dishes and put your dinner in the oven
so it would be nice and warm for you when you got home from a long hard day at the paper.
Carol: I did the dishes, and I put your dinner in the over.
Mike: Yeah, well who told you to do it?
Maggie: Thank you carol. Is your dad in the kitchen?
Mike: No. He's gone and left me in charge.
Carol: Hu!
Maggie: Where is he?
Mike: He's at bens school at the mothers club meeting.
Maggie: tonight.
Mike: I know. It sounds a little shaky to me too mum.
Maggie: I'm so busy with this story, the meeting completely slipped my mind.
Mike: So you believe him?
Maggie: Of course. Why shouldn't I?
Mike: well you know, you've been a little busy with the paper and a man can get to feel lonely
after a while..
Maggie: Michael Aaron Seaver. What are you suggesting?
Mike: That a man who leaves him home with two dozen home made fudge surprise brownies,
is up to no good.
Maggie: Hi Bennie.
Ben: Hi.
Maggie: How’s my favorite ten year old on the planet?
Ben: I'm good.
Maggie: It’s nice to see you doing your homework, but isn't it passed your bed time?
Ben: Yeah, I was waiting up for you.
Maggie: Well, why don't you stay up a few more minutes and keep my company while I eat.
Ben: Great. Look what I made in art class.
Maggie: Wow! How stylish.
Ben: Yeah, and if I #####, that stuff won't hurt me.
Maggie: They know you Ben.
Ben: So do you have a picture I can put in it?
Maggie: You want my picture?
Ben: Oh yeah.
Maggie: Gee Benjamin. This is quite an honor.
Ben: And practical too.
Maggie: Practical?
Ben: Sure. I figure with your picture I won't miss you so much. Even when you work late. So,
how was your day?
Jason: Maggie!
Maggie: In here.
Jason: Hi honey. Sorry I'm late.
Maggie: I trust that the mothers at the mothers club enjoyed my fudge surprise brownie
recipe?
Jason: Yes, they did. Well the meeting kind of bobbed down though, when we got on to the
plans for the school carnival and Melinda Forrest said "we're going to have to drop the dart
group this year because it's just all together too violent." Well, that Judy Jones thing, so she
said “over my dead body", and Melinda says “that’s fine to me." Well Judy freaks, rahh, and
she leaps over the desk, grabs Melinda by the throat and starts throttling her. Then throws her
down, two three. We're pulling bodies apart. There s make up everywhere. I'm just kidding.
Maggie: I knew that. Do you think I didn't know that?
Jason: Maggie, am I off base here, or are you a little tense?
Maggie: What makes you think I'm tense?
Jason: Well you are soaking, and you never prune out like this unless there's tension.
Maggie: Well if you know me so well Jason, why didn't you let me know that I was failing as a
mother?
Jason: Is that the darn door bell?
Maggie: Aren't you going to tell me that I'm not failing as a mother?
Jason: Of course Maggie. You're not failing as a mother.
Maggie: Don't patronize me.
Jason: Did you get fired today, or something?
Maggie: No. At work everybody loves me.
Jason: Well, before I turn in, I think I'll go buff the Volvo.
Maggie: At home, on the other hand, little Ben has to carry a picture of me to remember what
I look like.
Jason: Maggie, Ben carries pictures of Rambo.
Maggie: I totally forgot about the mothers club meeting.
Jason: Do you want a massage?
Maggie: Then I find this. Read this.
Jason: You might have to help me here Mag.
Maggie: It's a letter form the Wendell Wenkie elementary school mothers club. And the first
line says fellow mothers, and it’s addressed to you. An official body of the long island school
system recognizes you as Bens mother.
Jason: Well you know Maggie, we're just a bunch of women. It’s a joke. Come on. Laughter is
the best way of releasing tension naturally. Come on try it. Ha ha ha ha ha . Ok, get serious
for a minute then. Maggie if you don't lighten up, I’m going to have to shoot you.
Maggie: Is that the best you can do?
Jason: Well, without a rubber chicken, yeah.
Maggie: Jason, I expected some sound advice, like "Maggie, put your feelings of failure to
work." Do something, spend more time with Ben. Volunteer for his carnival so he knows I care.
Why not. That is a great idea. It is so good. It's so simple. Jason, why didn't I think of this?
Jason: You're welcome.
Maggie: Honey I am not showing off. I just felt like killing six hours and whipping up a batch of
bucklum.
Murtle: Yoo hoo! Jason.
Jason: Hi.
Ladies: Oh! Jason! You made it.
Jason: You remember my wife?
Gale: Oh of course. Annie.
Maggie: Hi Annie.
Gale: No, I’m Gale.
Murtle: Hi.
Maggie: Maggie.
Murtle: No I’m Murtle.
Judy: Girls, girls, let’s grab our seats.
Ok. We have a lot of carnival business to discuss before we can get to those luscious,
tantalizing, very succulent desserts. Some of which are still warm. So, any old business? Yes
Gracey.
Gracey: I just wanted to tell Jason that I tried his rump roast marinade recipe, and my whole
family just adored it.
Jason: Oh good. Well if you want to have some real excitement next time, try soaking your
rump for two full days.
Judy: Ok, any new business? First of all I think.. Yes
Maggie: Hello, I'm Maggie Seaver and I'm the other Seaver mother. And I just wanted to say
that I'd be happy to volunteer to help out at Saturday’s carnival.
Ladies: Oh! (Applause)
Jason: Bravo!
Maggie: And I know I'm a little late, but since this is to raise money for our kid’s school, I
know how important it is, anything I can do to help.
Judy: Oh! That is the Wendell Wilkie spirit. Come on ladies! Maggie Seaver you come on down!
Oh, you need to get with Gracey Thornton. She's our carnival chairman. Chairperson.
Yes Gracey.
Gracey: I just want to move that I be replaced as carnival chairperson by Maggie Seaver.
Lady: I second that motion.
Maggie: No, see that I really..
Judy: All in favor say 'I'
Everyone: 'I'
Jason: Sorry, 'I'.
Maggie: No.
Judy: Motion carried. Maggie Seaver is the new carnival chairperson.
Ok, with no other business before me, this meeting is adjourned. Let’s eat.
Maggie: Wait a minute.
Judy: Why?
Maggie: I don't know anything about being a carnival chairman.
Judy: Chairperson.
Macey: It’s really very simple.
Judy: I thought you wanted to help.
Maggie: yes I do, but..Is there any one on the carnival committee who has done this before?
Judy: Carnival committee. What a wonderful idea.
Jason: Ah Judy. I move that we let Maggie off the hook here.
Lady: I second that.
Maggie: Wait a minute. How many of you have volunteered to work on the carnival? Well with
this attitude, I’m surprised somebody hasn't moved to cancel the whole carnival.
Lady: I second that motion.
Maggie: Stop it. So this means we are all too busy to help the children. Is that it? Well look.
I’m busy too but I am going to make the time. What do you all have to do that's so important?
The cooking? The laundry. The housekeeping.
Macey: I'm arguing a case before the state supreme court.
Maggie: Ok. But what about the rest of us?
Jason: I'll volunteer.
Maggie: And this is a very busy man.
Jason: Yes. You know I’m a psychiatrist. I could spend up to eight hours a day, on my anal
retentives alone.
Maggie: Aren't we all forgetting what’s important here. The children. They are why we're here.
Are we really all going to sit here and let our kids down, just when they need us the most?
Lady: I volunteer.
Lady: me too.
Maggie: Great.
Lady: I'll volunteer.
Macey: Oh, to heck with my client. Let him fry.
(Later that week)
Carol: Keep stirring carol. This chilly is going to bring Ben’s school a dollar a bowl.
Carol: You could raise a lot more by giving this stuff away and charging ten dollars for antacid
tablets.
Ben: Hi. Wow, what neat stuff.
Maggie: Oh don't touch those Ben. Those are grab bag prizes for your carnival.
Mike: Well if this isn't a gift from god.
Ben: Wow!
Carol: Mum. A huge bubble is forming.
Jason: Maggie, come and see this.
Maggie: Mike, tell your dad I’m busy.
Mike: She's busy dad. She's lancing a grease pocket.
Maggie: Ben, step back. Ben I told you those were prizes.
Jason: Look what Charlie Bubus donated to the auction.
Maggie: Well put it by the auction box.
Ben: Who's going buy a statue with the arms busted off?
Carol: Ben, you're a real aficionado.
Ben: Take that back.
Maggie: Ben, no arguments. I have a lot to do to get ready for your carnival.
Ben: But mum. She called me a fish.
Maggie: Ben, I said no arguments. We are doing all this for you. If you can't help, you can at
least stay out of the way.
Mike: Yeah. We're working here.
Carol: Mum. The chilly just burped.
Maggie: That means it’s ready.
Maggie: All this is wonderful. We have a huge crowd gathering outside, so we're either going
to have a festival, or riot.
Jason: Well, I’ve got the two twenty split up, I’ve the one ten all fired up and ready to go.
Sounds like I know what I’m doing. Doesn't it? Alright everybody, hit.
Everyone: Oh Jason. Yeah!.....(power fails) oh!
Jason: Well at least be thankful I’m not running a nuclear power plant. Just a short
somewhere. I’ll take care of it.
Maggie: Ok. Ok, everybody ready?
Kissing Lady: Kissing booth ready.
Mike: Poker booth ready.
Macey: Dart booth ready.
Lady: Cotton candy booth ready.
Carol Do I have to wear this hat?
Lady: Face painting booth ready.
Maggie: Oh good work Clarabelle. Now what about the auction booth? Oh I’m running that. Ok
auction booth ready.
Judy: I need help with my what-cha-ma-call-it booth.
Kissing Lady: I could use some male lips in my booth.
Jason: Alright. Hit it again Earl.
Everyone: Yeah! Oh! Wow!
Maggie: Jason, if you're through, we need some help on the booths.
Kissing lady: Over here Jason.
Fat Lady: Oh Jason. Help me!
Jason: What to do, what to do. Well it's time I lent my lips to charity.
Maggie: You would have to pick her?
Jason: I'll help Judy if that would make you happy.
Maggie: Very. Earl, would you help Murtle please.
Earl: Oh (sprays breath fresher)
Judy: Maggie. May I say, in the calm before the storm, that, well you're an inspiration to all
the other mothers. Balancing a career, kids, this carnival. Oh, what a gal! It is so wonderful to
meet someone at lifes banquet, who is able to dish up another helping.
Girl: look at them. They think they are doing all this for us.
Ben: Yeah.
Girl: And they are really doing it for themselves.
Ben: Yeah!
Girl: Blatant self aggrandizement.
Ben: Yeah.
Girl: It’s disgusting.
Ben: Which mother's yours?
Girl: the one that looks like Marianne from Gilligan’s island. Which one is yours?
Ben: The one who's ignoring me. She wouldn't even let me run the dart booth, just because
she said I’m so unpredictable. Which one was Marianne?
Maggie: Going once. Going twice. Sold. Use it in good health sir. Well that's our last animal
item. What do we have left Gale?
Oh, somebody donated a little clay cameo. With my picture in it. Let’s start...No, my picture.
Where did this come from Gale?
Gale: It was in the box.
Maggie: Ben.
Man: A buck.
Maggie: Just a minute.
Lady: Two bucks.
Gale: Ho!
Maggie: I can't sell this.
Man: Two fifty
Gale: Ho!
Lady: Five bucks.
Maggie: This is not for sale.
Man: Ten.
Gale: Ho!
Maggie: Twelve.
Lady: Fifteen.
Maggie: Sixteen.
Man: Seventeen.
Gale: Ho!
Maggie: Twenty.
Lady: Hey.
Maggie: Twenty five.
Gale: Maggie!
Maggie: Thirty.
Gale: Stop.
Maggie: Thirty five. Going once, going twice, sold!
Gale: Alrighty righty righty! So what’s my opening bid for a box of size 38 double d braziers?
Man: One thousand dollars.
Gale: Sold.
Mike: Ok, judgment day. Fifth and final card. The seven from heaven. Wow. Three of a kind. A
ten. Lousy luck, ride the garbage truck. And a Jake. What does that make? Two pair, life’s not
fair. And an ace for the ace. Another full boat. Dealer wins again. And on behalf of all the little
children, I thank you.
Maggie: Mike, have you seen Ben?
Mike: Yeah, he came by and gave me all his tickets.
Maggie: Why would he do that?
Mike: Mum, very little of what Ben does makes sense.
Maggie: I better check with Carol.
Mike: Yeah, good idea. She's just as weird as he is.
Carol Well, look at it this way. If you can't eat it you could strip your furniture with it.
Maggie: carol, has Ben been around here?
Carol Just for a second. Same as everybody else mum. Smell this stuff.
Maggie: did he say anything?
Carol Well, he asked for my house key.
Maggie: Did he say why?
Carol He may have. You know I think this chilly is effecting my hearing.
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Not now honey. I'm a little.....(falls in water)
So what did you want?
Maggie: Honey, did Ben say anything to you about going home?
Jason: No.
Maggie: Well he did. He gave Mike his tickets and got Carols key.
Jason: That doesn't make any sense. He wouldn't miss his own carnival.
Maggie: Jason, I’m talking to you.
Jason: I'm listening. I'm listening.
Maggie: Look at this. His cameo that he made for my picture. I found it in the auction box.
Jason: Well, you know. Maybe that’s just his way of telling you something.
Maggie: Like what?
Jason: I don't know honey. You got to think. Kids have different ways to try to communicate.
They...(falls in water)
You just have to explore every possible way..Maggie!
Song playing: Its quarter to three. There's no one in the place. Except you and me. So set
them up Jo. I got a little story.
Maggie: Benjamin Seaver.
Ben: Mum. Where have you been?
Maggie: At your carnival Ben. Until I found out you left without a word.
Ben: You were busy.
Maggie: Bennie. I am never too busy for you.
Ben: Mum, I left hours ago. And you show up now.
Maggie: So you wanted to worry me?
Ben: I wanted something.
Maggie: Is that why you got rid of this?
Ben: I was wondering where that went.
Maggie: Well I found it in the auction box.
Ben: How did it get there?
Maggie: So you wanted me to find it and come running home?
Ben: No. I wanted you to miss me and come running home.
Maggie: Ben, there were three hundred people there.
Ben: Yeah. But only one who's your most favorite ten year old on the planet.
Maggie: Honey. Why do you think I volunteered?
Ben: I don't know. I didn't know anything except you were a really great mom before that
stupid carnival.
Maggie: Oh Ben. I didn't do any of this for myself. The only one I cared about was you. See,
I’m not the kind of person who gets so wrapped up in what I’m doing, that I’d forget
about..you. Oh holy dolito!
Ben: Hu!
Maggie: Oh Ben, I owe you an apology. Talk about me being a jerk.
Ben: I didn't say that.
Maggie: No I did.
Ben: Oh.
Maggie: Oh honey, I, I’m so sorry. I couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Ben: What trees?
Maggie: Ben, I thought that you thought my work was more important to me than you. But
what I thought you thought, you never thought, and what you thought I thought, I never
thought.
Ben: What were we thinking?
Song playing: Make it one for my baby. And one more for the road.
Mike: Alright! Lets here it for the little spit baller with pigtails. Alright! That’s thirty eight in a
row.
Girl: Thirty seven. This next one will be thirty eight.
Mike: Ok, now carnivals almost over folks. We don't want you to go home with any coupons in
your pockets, so you can help out over here and sink a shrink for charity.
Jason: Hey Judy. I'm out of here Judy. You're going to have to find another sinkee.
Everyone: Boo!
Mike: Come on dad. Remember this is all for a very good cause.
Jason: I know that. You what? You want to take my place.
Everyone: Applause.
Jason: So ladies and gentlemen, just one dollar. Seventy five cents, fifty cents, I’ll loan you a
dollar. Step right up here. My money is your shot. Go ahead and dunk a punk. Yes ladies and
gentlemen. Go for it!
Carol Ah, may I try? I'm his sister.