Carol: It's your turn to take out the garba...hey! You know you can't listen in when Dad talks
with one of his mental patients.
Ben: He's not talking to a mental patient! It's Mom.
Carol: Well that's probably worse. You still shouldn't snoop.
Ben: It's juicy stuff.
Carol: Ben you can't...
Ben: It's about Mike.
Mike: Hey! I see Ben's been into the goofy glue again, huh?
Ben: Ssshh. Mike we've got to warn you before it's too late.
Mike: What?
Carol: For five Bucks.
Ben: Yeah.
Mike: What? You guys think I'm stupid just because I'm related to you?
Carol: Ok. Well it's your funeral.
Mike: Alright, alright, alright I owe you five Bucks. What is it?
Ben: Your report card came in the mail today.
Mike: Oh no!
Ben: That's what Dad said.
Mike: How bad can it be?
Ben: Dad says you're this close to becoming a "good-for-nothing bum!"
Mike: Ok, well...errm just tell 'em you haven't seen, ok?
Carol: Oh, wait a minute. There's the little matter of the five Bucks.
Ben: Yeah.
Mike: Try and collect.
Ben and Carol: Hi Mike!!!!! It's good to see you home Mike!!!!
Jason: Don't you go anywhere. Your mom and I will wanna have a word with you in a few
minutes!
Mike: Ok. Now was it really really worth it, to sell your own brother out for a mere five
Dollars?
Ben and Carol: Oh yeah! Sure...definitely!
Maggie: Jason. What are we going to do with Mike?
Jason: Well Maggie, we've been asking each other the same question ever since his first report
card in kindergarten.
Maggie: I know, but he's only a year and a half away from graduating.
Jason: I wouldn't bet on it. D, D plus, D minus minus. Teacher comment number sixty four,
which is, "I've had it, I'm quitting teaching".
Maggie: Oh!
Jason: Course the real comment is our old favourite here...
Jason and Maggie: "The student is not realizing full potential".
Maggie: Jason, what is going to become of Mike after he graduates? I mean, no college, no
skills. I mean what kind of a job can a person get when all they have is a charming smile and
nothing to back it up?
Jason: He can go to Hollywood, become an actor.
Maggie: Jason, I realize that as a psychiatrist you work hard at not letting your emotions get
the best of you. But at this point I'm asking myself, "why didn't I marry a fiery...urologist?"
Jason: Maggie, I'd rather think than rant, ok?
Maggie: So, what are you thinking?
Jason: Well, I think there must be a more effective way to get through to Mike.
Maggie: Good. What is it?
Jason: I don't know.
Maggie: And you call that thinking?
Jason: Alright. How would you get through to him?
Maggie: Me?
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: Well...I'd...ok...I'd erm...ah yeah and this is good! You know that speech you're giving
at Boston College tomorrow? The one you made me listen to three times.
Jason: No, I know the one you asked to hear three times.
Maggie: That's the one. Anyway take him with you. Show him round the campus. Let him see
what he'll be missing, if he doesn't get his act together.
Jason: Maggie, that's a terrible idea.
Maggie: It is?
Jason: Do you know what I could do? I could take him with me to Boston and soft sell him
about college.
Maggie: Ah! Show him around the campus?
Jason: Yes!
Maggie: Let him see what he'll be missing.
Jason: Yes.
Maggie: Why I wonder where you come up with this stuff.
Jason: Maggie, this is great. Oh, Michael!! He won't be able to resist my magical powers of
persuasion. I'll have the whole weekend to spend with him. Hi Mike. Have a seat.
Mike: Ah hold it! Alright alright. I know what this is all about, I know you guys have been
talking about my future plans, and I myself have a few remarks on this subject. Have a seat,
Dad. Now, what's all this fuss about the future?
Maggie: Mike!!
Mike: Naa Mom!! Now I have got this handled, alright? Now I have made a decision in my life
to become very successful and make a lot of money.
Jason: Aha?!
Mike: Now you guys are probably asking yourselves, "how is he going to do this?"
Jason and Maggie: How is he going to do this?
Mike: It's all right here in black and white Mom.
Maggie: "Vinnie Furbo's shiftless man's way to big bucks"?
Mike: Keep reading.
Maggie: "I made a million smakaroos and I'm just an average Joe like you. And you don't need
a big deal college education, or any special skills. All you need is two free hours a week and a
winning smile"???
Mike: I've found my calling. Ok, now I won't take any more of you guys' time but I will
promise you this- when I make my first million, I will buy you guys some decent clothes.
Jason: Mike, could I see that please?
Mike: Yeah, sure Dad.
(Jason tears the paper up)
Jason: Ah son, as I said before, will you have a seat please?
Mike: Ahhhh Dad, is this gonna be another one of those college talks?
Jason: No.
Maggie: Ah yes it is.
Jason: No it isn't.
Maggie: Yes it is.
Jason: No, it isn't.
Maggie: Is.
Jason: No, we've been through this one before Mike. What's the point of another lecture?
Right? No, no, son of mine, I've got this two day trip to Boston coming up and I thought, "hey!
Why don't we make it a guys' getaway?"
Mike: What's the catch?
Jason: There's no catch Mike. Come on, it will be fun. Just the two of us hanging out in bean
town. You've been under a lot of academic pressure lately, and well maybe what you really
need is just a break. Come on, you've earned it!!
Ben: Where does all this stupid garbage end up?
Carol: Well, it's taken to a factory, turned into video tape and then they record rock videos
onto it.
Ben: Wow.
Mike: Carol, I need you to lend me a suitcase.
Carol: They decided to kick you out of the house? Yes!!!
Mike: No. They didn't kick me out of the house.
Carol: A girl can dream.
Mike: As a matter of fact, Dad's taking me on a trip to Boston, for a little guy getaway.
Carol: Wait a minute. You get called in 'cause of your crummy grades, and end up on a trip to
Boston? What am I doing wrong here?
Mike: A lot Carol. But that's not the point. And for your information, Mom and Dad didn't even
wanna talk about my grades.
Carol: What?
Mike: Na, no, they didn't even bring 'em up. They were in a great mood.
Carol: Mike! If Mom and Dad were in a great mood after seeing your grades, then we've just
experienced a miracle. I mean, my guess is, that this house is going to turn into a shrine. And
then thousands of D students are gonna line up...to light candles in your name!! Mike Seaver,
patron Saint of underachievers.
Mike: I'll get my own suitcase.
Ben: Oh! This patch of garbage has definitely "rock" written all over it.
Carol: Ben, if I told you that Mom and Dad didn't yell at Mike because of grades. And instead,
Dad was taking Mike on a fun trip to Boston. What would you think?
Ben: I'd think that Dad was trying to trick Mike into caring about college, by taking him to his
old school.
Carol: Ben, you're right! This is all a trick!!
Ben: Sure. What'd you think?
Air hostess: The Captain has extinguished the fastened seat belt sign, please feel free to move
aimlessly around the cabin.
Jason: Alright Mike, we're on our way.
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: Hey, you realize this is the first time you and I have taken a trip alone together?
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: I mean as just two men hanging out.
Mike: Hey Dad, what do you say we look for some chicks, huh?
Jason: Very funny. Hey we're gonna have some big fun this weekend though.
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: The only obligation I have is to make that speech on campus, and that's not going to
take very long. Hey, as long as I have to go to the campus anyway, why don't you come with
me? I could show you around my college. The place where I had some of the best years of my
life.
Mike: Na..I don't know Dad. I think maybe I wanna stay at the hotel and find some women.
Jason: Mike. Well, if it's women you're interested in, you know, you're missing a bet not
coming to this campus.
Mike: Yeah?
Jason: Oh yeah! Hundreds. And all of them hungry for...knowledge.
Mike: So, I guess it would be a shame to miss that speech, wouldn't it Dad?
Jason: Right. Hey you know we could spend the whole day there. Are you...
Hostess: Nuts??
Jason: Yeah, I love these.
Mike: Yeah. Thanks.
Hostess: Do either of you like something to drink?
Jason: Oh...I'd...
Hostess: Because no one else does on kind of such a short flight and everything. And it would
really save me a lot of trouble if I didn't have to haul out that drink cart.
Jason: No, it's fine thank you. Well, you know, I remember when I first went to that college. I
had no clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. But there's something about being
there that brought it all into focus, you know? And that's when I realized, there was only one
career for me.
Mike: Huh.
Jason: Race car driver. So they sent me to the school psychiatrist, and the rest is all mental
health history.
Man: Hey kid! Can I borrow your barf bag?
Mike: Yeah. Keep it.
Man: Yours too.
Jason: Oh? Sure, enjoy.
Man: Thanks.
Jason: So Mike. What are your plans?
Mike: Ahhh, I'm wide open Dad. This is just gonna be a guys' get-away weekend for me.
Jason: You know, I don't just mean for the weekend, I mean for the future too. Like err, how
do you see yourself ten years from now?
Mike: Ten years...erm...old.
Jason: Mike, you'll be twenty six.
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: Alright. Two years from now.
Mike: Two years err...
Jason: Better yet, tell me how you see yourself two days after graduation. What are you
gonna be doing?
Mike: Oh simple. Me and Eddy and Boner, we're heading down to Fort Lauderdale.
Jason: Alright. One week after graduation.
Mike: Still partying.
Jason: Mike, come on! Before you know, it's going to be graduation.
Mike: Come on Dad, it's a whole year and a half away.
Jason: Yeah but you get the things that you get a chance to do now. And the decisions you're
gonna make, they're gonna affect you the rest of your life. Time is precious.
Mike: Oh wow Dad! See that fox heading over to the lounge? I gotta go check her out.
Jason: Mike. We're talking...about time being precious.
Mike: Tell me about it! This plane lands in fifteen minutes. I gotta move!
Jason: Mike!
Mike: Ahh, she wasn't interested Dad. She was married.
Jason: Mike, I don't wanna talk about that.
Mike: Me either, it's depressing.
Jason: I want to stick to the original topic of discussion, ok?
Mike: What was the original topic Dad?
Jason: How you're gonna improve your grades, Mike.
Mike: Since when did that become the topic?
Jason: Years ago.
Mike: Ah come on Dad. This isn't my idea of a guy's get-away.
Jason: How do I get through to you? I mean, how do I make you realize that for the rest of
your life, you're going to be affected by what you do now?
Mike: Dad, what makes you so sure I don't?
Jason: When's the last time, you spent more than fifteen minutes doing your homework?
Mike: Dad, it's not the quantity of time that I spend; it's the quality, right?
Jason: You just don't get it do you? I mean would it help if I took away your car until your
grades came through?
Hostess: Attention! Attention! Excuse me! We have a small emergency...
Passenger: Oh no no no, we're gonna crash!!!
Hostess: No! No, I don't think so.
Passenger: Think? Aarrggghhh!!!!!
Hostess: Hey hey, we just got a little medical emergency here. Lighten up! Now, is there a
doctor on board?
Jason: I'm a doctor.
Hostess: Ah, terrif! Hi! The woman sitting behind you. This guy's wife, she says she's going
into labour.
Jason: Well, I can take a look at her.
Man: Hey Doc. Don't you need a little black bag, or something?
Jason: No. I'm a psychiatrist.
Man: Oh well Doc. She doesn’t think she's having a baby, she's having a baby.
Jason: A psychiatrist is a medical doctor.
Man: Oh? Hey...er...don't tell my wife you're a head shrinker, huh?
Jason: Hello, hi, I'm Jason Seaver. I understand you're going into labour. Ok, alright, how far
apart are the contractions?
Woman: My water broke!!
Jason: Would you have the Captain radio ahead for an ambulance?
Man: Ambulance! Ambulance!
Jason: Everything's fine, everything's fine. We'll be on the ground, long before the baby
arrives.
Man: Oh. Ok.
Captain: Hi folks. This is Captain Kirk. Lowland International is having a little fog problem
and...we're gonna circle a bit, so relax and have a drink.
Man: Oh no no no no no!!! Everything's going wrong here.
Jason: Calm down Carter, there's no reason to panic, everything's fine.
Hostess: Yeah. You don't see me throwing a fit, and I've got to haul out that stupid drinks
cart.
Jason: Come on there's more room up here, you'll be more comfortable.
Man: Why do we need more room? What's going to happen? You said we'd be on the ground
by now. Didn't he? Didn't he say that? Didn't he?
(The pregnant woman is squealing as she is in labour)
Man: Ok. What do we do now? Water, rip sheets, what?
Woman: Honey, you're scaring me!
Jason: You're scaring me too, damn it. Will you sit over there please. Susan, you sit right
there.
Woman: In the magic carpet lounge?
Jason: Yeah. Dan, you know you could be a big help if you'd just take a stroll, alright? Just
calm down.
Man: That's it. I'll take a nice brisk walk outside. It'll do me good.
Jason: Mike, will you watch him please?
Mike: Alright Dad, but if he opens the door, he's on his own.
Woman: Oooohhh ooohhh oooohhh!!!
Jason: Yes. Are you comfortable Susan? I haven't been comfortable in five months Doctor!
Hostess: Doctor. A word in our private team.
Jason: Yeah.
Woman: No.
Jason: What did the captain say?
Hostess: He said it would take an hour for the fog to clear, and at least forty five minutes to
divert to another airport.
Jason: Damn! This baby's coming in an half an hour. You tell your Captain Kirk, he's either got
to land this plane, or beam me up an obstetrician.
Hostess: Oh. That's so cute.
Woman: Aaarrggghh!!!
Man: I told her we shouldn't fly. The doctor said no. But did she listen t me?
Mike: Apparently not.
Man: You think she'll be ok?
Mike: Oh yeah, she'll be fine. Yeah my dad is a great psychiatrist.
Man: But now he's dealing with the other end. What's your name?
Mike: Ah...Mike.
Man: What's my name? Dan!!! That's it! Ok, ok Mike. I'm feeling much better now. I'm feeling
completely calm.
Passenger: Calm??!! Why shouldn’t you be calm? What's going on?
Jason: Keep pushing Susan, keep pushing.
Woman: When does the pain stop?
Jason: In about eighteen years.
Man: It's happening! It's happening!
Jason: Dan, get a hold of yourself.
Man: Where?
Woman: Birdycup!
Man: Sweetheart!
Woman: Munchkin!
Man: Baby doll!
Woman: Booboo man...Get the hell out of here! You're making me feel awful.
Man: Yeah, but I'm your coach.
Woman: If I need a coach, you're the first one I'll call. Now get out!!
Jason: Don't take it personally Dan!
Man: Yeah. I know, I know Doc. I know. I took Lamonts classes Mike, and I know a woman
tends to freak out when she reaches the final stage of labour. The final stage of labour!!!
Jason: Mike!
Mike: I got it Dad, it's ok. Tell me about those race car classes you took.
Woman: Aaarrrgghhhh!
Hostess: Got a sec? Doctor, I have two messages from captain Kirk. First he said he could
have you on the ground in sixty five seconds but he doesn't think you'd enjoy the landing. And
second, he didn't care for your Captain Kirk joke as much as I did.
Woman: AAAaaaarrrrgghhh!!
Man: You hear that?
Mike: I think everybody heard that. Oh I blew it. That's all there is too it. Don't argue with me
kid. I'm a wimp. Go ahead and say it.
Mike: Ok. You're a wimp.
Man: Who asked you? Wouldn't you be freakin' out if your wife was having a baby?
Mike: Heck, I'd freak out if I even had a wife.
Man: What kind of father am I? Can't even watch my own kid being born. I mean my kid's
gonna...hate me. Ah, this whole deal of having a baby, big mistake.
Mike: Hey, I have never gotten why people even have kids.
Man: Hey! Everybody knows why you have kids. You do it to bring somebody into the world
who's part you and part your wife.
Mike: Aha.
Man: Yeah, I mean it's like having someone round who can learn from your mistakes. I mean
like err say somewhere down the line all of a sudden my kid wants to say err, "move to
Pittsburgh!" I say, "no way, I lived there".
And if he ever wants to be cool and smoke, well, I'll tell him, "you aint gonna do that pal! It
took me three years to quit. And if you ever, ever, think of quitting school...it'll be over my
dead body. You see I done that and it stinks!"
Mike: Alright, I won't quit. I won't.
Man: Oh. Sorry Mike. Guess I'm not myself today, huh?
Mike: Hey, it's ok, I know another father who yells a little.
Man: Yeah. What am I gonna do with this kid when he wants to make some stupid mistake?
Mike: What do you mean, "what are you going to do"? You're gonna straighten him out.
Man: Na, he'll just think I'm on his case.
Mike: So, who cares what he thinks, he's just a kid. Now who knows more? You or him?
Man: You're right.
Mike: Yeah. I am.
Man: Maybe you ought to have a kid, kid.
(baby crying)
Man: Will you listen to that. Now who would bring a little baby on a plane? The baby! It's a
baby! It's my baby! It's our baby! We got a baby!
Man: Honey.
Woman: Honey. Honey, we have a son.
Man: A son. Hey Mike, it's a son.
Mike: Yeah right! Way to go!
Man: He's so...so young.
Woman: Yeah! Isn't he beautiful?
Jason: Congratulations Pop.
Man: Yeah.
Jason: Thank you thank you thank you.
Mike: Alright Dad! I gotta hand it to you Dad. You really know what you're doing.
Jason: Well, I think we have to give some of the credit to the mother...
Mike: You know you are really something.
Jason: Thank you.
Mike: Dad, this college thing. Erm, you know, if you think this is really important, then maybe
I should at least give it a shot.
Jason: What's the catch Mike?
Mike: No no Dad, there's no catch. I've just been thinking. I mean, who knows more? You or
me?
Man: Hey Doc., from now on we're gonna have all our kids delivered by a psychiatrist.
Woman: He's a psychiatrist?
TV: And in tonight's normal roundup, drama! This afternoon, what began as a routine
commuter flight to Boston...
Carol: Boston! Ben, Ben, turn it back!
Maggie: Boston!?
TV: Ben and Susan Columbo left New York as a couple that landed in Boston as a family.
That's right, you guessed it. Mrs. Columbo gave birth to a seven pound, twelve ounce,
bouncing baby boy.
Maggie: Look! It's your dad!
Carol: Oh and Mike.
TV: The newest Columbo was delivered by Doctor Jason Seaver, who is of all things, a
psychiatrist. We asked him what it was like to deliver a baby at thirty thousand feet. "Well
Storks have been doing it for years. Ha ha". "Hi Mom!"
Carol, Ben and Maggie: Hi Mike!!
TV: (Jason speaking) Hey if you think this is news, wait 'till I get home.
Maggie: It worked. Mike's going to college!!
Carol: Oh great, it's to be on TV too.
TV: Mother and baby are doing fine.
Maggie: Well?
Jason: Well, I can't argue with you Maggie, I looked good!
Maggie: Well should I rewind it?
Jason: No, no, I think three times is enough for one afternoon.
Maggie: Well honey, when I see how good you look on TV. You know what occurs to me?
Jason: What?
Maggie: Maybe you've missed your calling. You know I think you'd be great on Television. Did
it ever occur to you?
Jason: Maggie. I'm perfectly happy doing what I'm doing.
Maggie: Well. Just a thought.
Jason: Umm. Here's Jason!! Na.