Ben: If Mike doesn’t show up, can I have his ravioli?
Everyone: No.
Maggie: Where is Mike anyway? He's usually home from work by dinner time.
Ben: They could have had an emergency at the carwash.
Carol: An emergency. What a bug storm on the expressway?
Jason: Carol, there's nothing wrong with having a part time job that involves a little physical
labor. The money helps Mike pay his way around here.
Carol: So I could get a part time job too?
Jason: To pay your way around here?
Carol: Heck no. I mean of course to help pay my way around here.
Jason: I don’t know. What do you think Maggie?
Maggie: Fine. As long as you don’t become a topless dancer.
Carol: Oh great. I’ll start pouting the pavement tomorrow.
Ben: Look out pavement.
Mike: Hey. Sorry I’m late guys. Emergency overtime. Bug storm on the expressway. You know,
you know I hate my job, if I could find anything else I’d jump at it. The only good thing about
this stupid carwash job is payday. Boy its Saturday and I am ready to party.
Jason: Payday! Well then you're also ready to pay this months rent.
Mike: Yeah, no problem.
Jason: And last months rent.
Mike: Uh, no problem.
Carol: So you can also pay me back the twenty dollars you borrowed?
Mike: No..
Carol: No problem.
Mike: Hey. Alright, now what the heck am I supposed to do with two dollars?
Ben: You could come play some video games with me.
Mike: Bennie, a college man has much more important things to do on a Saturday night than
destroying galaxies with his dweebie little brother.
Ben: I'll buy.
Mike: Let’s roll.
Ben: Wow. You just mad intergalactic assassin!
Mike: Words cannot express my joy.
Ben: Want another burrito?
Mike: No. I'm still tasting that last one. You know Bennie, there's got to be more to life than
working in a stupid car wash and eating burritos that repeat.
Ben: So get another job.
Mike: I've been looking for a new job for the passed three weeks. You know a job is not easy
to find.
Ben: Sure it is. Excuse me; do you need any help here?
Man: Yes, I can help.
Ben: No no. Who do we see to get this gopher a job?
Man: Job?
Ben: Yeah, who do we see for a job?
Man: Job? Ah sorry, don’t carry pork chop, but we've got pork sausage and pork rind.
Mike: No,no. Bennie, Bennie, never mind.
Ben: Do you need other people to work here?
Man: Work here, yes. I work here.
Mike: No Bennie, forget it.
Ben: Work here. Him.
Man: Ah, I get for you mini jar.
Mike: Mini jar?
Ben: The manager. That would be great.
Mike: I, I, that would be good.
Ben: When the mini jar gets here, let me do all the talking.
Mike: I'll do my own talking, alright.
Manager: Ah, well which one of you men is looking for work?
Ben: He is. Let me tell you about the lad.
Manager: I'm Nick Simpson, and you're?
Ben: Mike Seaver.
Mike: Mike Seaver.
Manager: Oh, and this is your agent, right?
Mike: Right.
Ben: Ah, what’s an agent?
Manager: Somebody who gets you a job and then gets a piece of the action.
Ben: I'm his agent. Ben Seaver. Pleased to meet you.
Manager: Hello Ben. You look like a nice kid Mike.
Mike: Well, I am.
Ben: He am.
Manager: Have you ever worked before?
Mike: Yeah. I've had two other jobs.
Manager: Are you a full time student?
Mike: Yeah. I go to Alf Landen Junior college.
Manager: Do you have a way to get here?
Mike: Yeah. My car's right outside.
Manager: Well listen, the late shift starts in fifteen minutes. Are you interested?
Ben: We'll take it.
Mike: We'll take it. Yeah. You mean you want me to start right now?
Manager: Oh yes. I need a man right away. Poor Raji is working a double shift. He's been
working so hard, his dot is about to fall off.
Jason: Hey hi Ben.
Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don’t try and cheer me up.
Jason: About what?
Ben: he makes me walk home after I find him a new job.
Maggie: Who?
Ben: Me.
Maggie: No. Who got a new job?
Ben: Mike. He started fifteen minutes ago. Let’s see how long he lasts without me.
Carol: You got Mike a job?
Ben: Yeah. Haven’t you been listening?
Jason: I confess Ben. I haven’t been listening either. Come on, start over.
Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don’t try and cheer me up.
Jason: Enough about the jokes. Give me a little exposition here.
Ben: Ok. Mike's working the graveyard shift at the Stop and Run.
Maggie: The what shift?
Ben: The graveyard shift.
Maggie: I don’t think I like that.
Ben: You don’t like it! You didn’t have to walk home.
Maggie: No, no. A lot of robberies happen at those stores, and most of them happen late at
night.
Ben: Relax. He's got a gun under the counter. What could happen?
Raj: And remember all cash in overnight machine, or they kill you for sure.
Mike: Alright, I’ll remember that.
Raj: OK. These are Ho Ho's, Yu Who's, Ding Dongs.
Mike: Wow.
Raj: No longer carry Wow Wow's. Nobody buy.
(Phone rings)
Raj: No. It was for me. From girlfriend Hiya. She is calling to say I’m being on her mind.
Mike: Ah, that is kinda cute.
Raj: Tomorrow night, not having to call. This last night on graveyard, thanks be to you.
Tomorrow night it will be..
Mike: You Who Dong Dong?
Raj: Ah, I show you how to handle customer. Watch closely.
Mike: OK.
Raj: May I help you please? So much. Ahh, Nameste.
Customer: Nameste.
(They speak in Hindi)
Customer: No Wow Wow! Ok.
Raj: Any questions?
Mike: Mum.
Maggie: Oh, Hi Mike.
Mike: You're polishing the silver ware in the middle of the night?
Maggie: Well it had to be done some time and I’ve been putting it off and putting it off.
Mike: Mum, mum. What are you worried about?
Maggie: Nothing, nothing. Certainly not you. You've got a gun under the counter and
everything.
Mike: Oh, you heard about my new job?
Maggie: I did.
Mike: well listen, there's nothing to worried about. I mean all I saw tonight was a bunch of
insomniacs buying frozen burritos. You want one?
Right, I’ll turn in.
Maggie: Mike, your father and I agreed that we can’t order you around like a kid anymore. If
this is a job you want, so be it.
Mike: It’s a very mature attitude mum.
Maggie: It was a very close vote.
Mike: And I appreciate it. Goodnight.
Maggie: I suppose it would be too much to ask you to simply enquire about a schedule change?
Just to keep your poor mother form worrying herself into an early grave. So don’t. Goodnight.
Mike: Alright mum. Look, I’m the new guy in town. I can’t just go in there and start
demanding these primo hours.
Maggie: Like I said, if it’s too much to ask you to merely make the request, I understand. Oh
sleep well honey. I'll be fine. Really.
Mike: Mum look. Alright, I’ll ask my boss. But I know what his answers going to be.
Maggie: His answer to what dear?
Mike: To me getting off the stupid graveyard shift.
Maggie: Oh if that’s what you think you should do.
Mike: Right.
Maggie: He he he. I should be ashamed of myself. The kid didn’t stand a chance.
Mike: Yo, Raj.
Raj: Yo pork chop. How are you doing?
Mike: Oh, very well to be seeing you here. But not so pleased to be seeing you at work.
Raj: Ha. I am double shifting.
Manager: Raj. You've been working here too long. I'm actually beginning to understand you.
Aren’t you a shade early? Like about twelve hours.
Mike: Yeah, listen. That’s kind of what I want to ask you about.
Manager: Hang on a second. Jerry, I’m glad you're here. Grab an apron please. Raj is about to
drop. Oh and Jerry, this is Mike Seaver here. He'll be taking over graveyard.
Jerry: Oh really?
Mike: Hi yeah.
Manager: And don’t scare him about working graveyard with your silly little robber story.
Jerry: Come on. I wouldn’t do that. Not on his first week.
Mike: What silly little robbery story?
Manager: Oh forget it. So what's on your mind?
Mike: Listen Nick, I know that I am new here, so I don’t even expect you to consider this, but
I told my mum that I would at least ask and make the request.
Manager: No, no, no. I cannot make you the manager. Not in the first week. Only kidding.
Mike: Right. Well, see, I want to be able to honestly tell my mother that I asked to be put on a
safer shift. So there. I asked. You listened. Thanks.
Manager: So the day shift would be better for you, mum wise. Is that what you are trying to
say?
Mike: Well yeah, but...
Manager: Hang on. I'll see what I can do. Jerry! Listen, you didn’t mind working the late shift
did you?
Jerry: No. I got used to it.
Manager: Well you can get used to it again, right?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. I guess so.
Manager: Good. So you and Raj will be splitting grave yard. No problem there with you, is
there Raj?
Raj: Well I....sure. I be here Nick.
Mike: Uh, look Nick. I feel kind of funny here. I just started here and I don’t think its fair that..
Manager: Yes, yes. You are absolutely right. I'm going to put you back on graveyard. It
wouldn’t be fair. I'm only kidding.
Mike: Right right. It’s just that I know how much it mean to Raj and, and, it’s just that they've
been here longer and I don’t think it’s fair that they should get stuck with the graveyard..
Manager: Mike, please. If we can’t take care of our own, who will?
Jason: Hey, Hi Mike. Do you realize that you are wondering around aimlessly in a puke blue
jacket?
Mike: Oh, I, I got to go to work in ten minutes.
Maggie: Oh, you got the shift change?
Mike: Yeah. Sure did.
Maggie: Oh now aren’t you glad you asked?
Mike: Words cannot express my joy.
Jason: Mike.
Mike: Hey dad, let me ask you something. Have you even got something really good, that you
didn’t deserve?
Maggie: Oh, sure he did. He got me.
Mike: No, no,no. I mean something that you really wanted.
Maggie: Go on Mike.
Jason: Quickly.
Mike: Well dad, I mean has someone ever treated you really nice, because of who you are,
and not what you did or how well you did it?
Jason: Mike, Mike, Mike. Does this involve a girl? I'm sorry, I’m just trying to make sense out
of something the boys trying to share with us.
Mike: Look, I got to go.
Maggie: Mike, you're not making any sense.
Jason: Are you upset?
Mike: Hey, how could I be upset? I just got a new job, where I’m kept warm, I work safe
hours and I wear a puke blue jacket.
Maggie: A girl!
Jason: Oh so you weren’t thinking that?
Mike: Yo Raj. How are you doing?
Raj: Mike. I'm kind of busy right now.
Mike: Yeah well listen Raj. I really want to apologize for..
Raj: Busy. Busy, busy.
Mike: Hey jerry man. How’s it going?
Jerry: I'm here.
Mike: Listen Jerry, I really wanted to say that I’m sorry that you and Raj have to go back to
this graveyard shift just because I’m here.
Jerry: hey, I’ve been around. I understand that this is how it works.
Mike: How what works?
Jerry: Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, right!
Mike: I mean, I won’t have any part of this. Hey Nick.
Manager: I'll be right with you Mike. One second right. Here we go Winnie. Now is this the
one.
Winnie: Oh I can’t remember if this is the one, or the one next to it.
Manager: Oh. Well why don’t you take both of them and let your arthritis decide?
Winnie: Oh I can’t afford both of them.
Manager: It’s alright. They're on the house. It’s alright. I heard the store manager's a real nice
guy.
Winnie: Thank you.
Manager: So, what’s up?
Mike: Wow. Well, you are a nice guy.
Manager: You heard too hu?
Mike: Yeah. Look, you gave me that shift change because I’m white. Didn’t you?
Manager: Mike, have you been dipping into the Wow Wow's?
Mike: You don’t sell Wow Wow's anymore.
Manager: Yes and your sudden outburst is exactly why. We better have a little pow wow in my
office. Come on.
Mike: Look, maybe this was just a big misunderstanding. Why don’t we forget the whole
thing?
Manager: No, no. Please, let me straighten this out. I don’t want you going around telling
people I’m prejudice.
Mike: Ok, um, what did you mean when you said..
Manager: Wait a minute. You're not Jewish, are you? I'm only kidding.
Mike: Right. What did you mean when you said about us taking care of our own?
Manager: Ah no. I didn’t mean it as an insult. I didn’t want to upset you. It’s just that there
are so many different kinds of people in this world, and you and I happen to be the same kind.
Mike: White.
Manager: Well, yeah. If there were a black man sitting in this manager’s chair, then he'd be
looking out for Jerry.
Mike: Well, I don’t know...
Manager: Or if the manager were Iranian or Indian or whatever Raj is, don’t you think that
he'd be looking to give him a break or two?
Mike: Well I didn’t really think about it like that.
Manager: Yeah. Well, that’s the way it works.
Mike: But, that doesn’t seem right.
Manager: Um. Welcome to the real world.
Mike: So you mean to tell me that you weren’t making fun of Raj when you were talking about
his dot falling off?
Manager: Well were you making fun of him when you were imitating his accent?
Mike: No. I was just fooling around.
Manager: So was I.
Mike: Well then I'm a little confused.
Manager: You see, if I were the kind of man who bragged, I would point out my six, actually
seven Minority Employer of The Year awards. You see those.
Mike: I had no idea.
Manager: So I give the new white kid a break. Does that make me a bigot? The bottom line is,
have I treated them any different from how I treat you?
Mike: I guess not.
Manager: Have you talked to Jerry and Raj about this?
Mike: Yeah.
Manager: And?
Mike: And Jerry says that's just the way it works.
Manager: Smart boy. You see they have no problem, I have no problem, so how could you
have a problem?
Mike: I don’t, I don’t. I guess I was just a little confused.
Manager: You know what? You would be good management material.
Mike: Oh great, what’s for dinner? I'm starved.
Maggie: Burritos.
Mike: You know, I really should watch my saturated fats.
Jason: Hey Mike, shouldn’t we finish that conversation we started before you left for work?
Mike: About what?
Maggie: Well we are fairly sure it wasn’t about girls. Hey Jason?
Jason: More sure than I’ve been about anything in my life.
Mike: Look, it turned out to be nothing. I mean have you ever just opened up your mouth and
made a complete fool of yourself?
Maggie: Um, Jason?
Jason: So mike. What did you say? Who did you say it to?
Mike: See, I just thought that I was getting special treatment at work because I’m white.
Maggie: Excuse me?
Mike: Yeah. So I asked Nick about it. He's the Manager and he explained that he was just
taking care of his own kind, and I shouldn’t get excited about it. That’s the way the world
works. See you.
Jason: Wait wait wait a minute. How's the way the world works?
Mike: Well just because he's white and I’m white and he gave me a break, doesn’t mean he's
prejudiced.
Jason: It doesn’t?
Maggie: Mike, what do you think prejudice means?
Mike: Well you know mum. Like not letting certain people into your schools. Or uh, spraying
them down with fire hoses. You know, stuff you see on the news.
Jason: Mike, Mike, prejudice means giving somebody special treatment, any special treatment.
Mike: Well then I am confused.
Maggie: How could you be confused? Where did we ever give you the idea that it was alright
to be a little bit prejudiced?
Mike: No, no, no mum. It’s not like that at all. I mean Nick has got awards and all his other
employees are minorities.
Jason: Yeah well, but you said you got this shift change because you were white.
Mike: Well yeah.
Jason: Well then what's the confusion Mike?
Mike: Now I’m really confused.
Jason: Well then let me straighten it out for you then Mike. You go to this guy Nick, and you
say: I don’t accept any special treatment, I want my old shift back. Right Maggie?
Maggie: Uh. Jason, you and I should talk about this later.
Jason: We can talk about it in front of Mike. This is about Mike. Come on. It’s important.
Maggie.
Maggie: I don’t want my son shot at three am, over a pack of gum.
Jason: Maggie!
Maggie: You asked.
Jason: Well so what. He should take advantage of this guys prejudice?
Maggie: No.
Jason: Well then what are you saying?
Mike: She’s saying that Raj should get shot at three in the morning.
Maggie: I am not. And I’m against anybody being shot at any hour of the day or night. And
who the hell is Raj?
Jason: Maggie, this is about unfair treatment.
Maggie: You want him working at three in the morning with a gun under the counter?
Jason: No, of course I don’t. That is not what I’m talking about.
Maggie: Jason, Jason, I hate prejudice. But what would it really change to send our son back
to the graveyard....shift.
Jason: But this is wrong.
Maggie: You're right.
Jason: Yes I am. Yes. You know something else? So are you.
Mike: Well that sure clears everything right up for me.
Maggie: I wish this had been about girls.
(The Next Afternoon)
Mike: Hey Jerry. Your shift is over. Come on. Alright.
Jerry: if Nick asks, tell him I’m stacking the soft drinks alright?
Mike: Right. Your change is a buck sixteen.
Customer: I thought they only moved that fast when they were carrying a TV or football.
Mike: Funny.
Manager: What the hell is this? Jerry! Jerry!
Mike: Ah Nick, Jerry just left.
Manager: He left? I ask him to stack the soda and look at the mess he makes. That lazy son of
a...His salary is going to be docked for this.
Mike: Oh, oh that. Oh Nick, Jerry didn’t do that. I did. See I was going to clean it up, but I
guess I just got busy and forgot.
Manager: You did this?
Mike: Yeah.
Manager: Oh, well uh, try to be more careful would you son? Somebody unscrewed this. This
was no accident. Wait a minute. You didn’t get too busy and forget. Did you?
Mike: Look, do you know that you are prejudiced, or are you just kidding yourself?
Manager: You rude smart arsed know it all. What are you trying to prove here? Hu?
Mike: I'm not trying. I just proved it.
Manager: You white bread suburban punks really get to me. Some day you'll figure out what
the score is.
Mike: Yeah, well I just did.
Manager: You know you've got a lot to learn about the real world.
Mike: Yeah. Well I won’t be learning it from you. I quit.
Manager: You know something? You are one confused little kid.
Mike: Not anymore.
Jason: Hey Maggie. How was your day?
Maggie: Oh not so hot.
Jason: Mine neither.
Maggie: Oh honey I didn’t mean...
Jason: I don’t want ....
Maggie and Jason: Go ahead.
Jason: How are we supposed to communicate with Mike when we can’t communicate with
each other?
Maggie: Wait a minute. You don’t think that we communicate?
Jason: Shut up and kiss me.
Mike: Hi guys...
Maggie: Mike, before you say another word, I just want you to know that your father was right.
You should go back on graveyard. I don’t like it, but it’s right.
Mike: Well see, I...
Jason: Wait a minute. I was not right Maggie. I don’t want Mike endangering himself.
Mike: Dad, don’t worry.
Jason: I have to worry. You're my son.
Mike: I quit.
Maggie: Mike, no matter how old you get, you cannot quit being our son.
Mike: I don’t mean I quit our family. I mean I quit our job. And uh, I really want to thank you
two for showing me what's right. And Carol, where are the stinking wanted ads?
Maggie: Jason, he thinks that we showed him what was right.
Jason: I won’t tell him if you don’t.


Growing Pains 417 V2.0
Mike: Hey Ben, if this Amy girl that you are so hot for already said yes to the movie, then
what's your problem? Yes! Alright, the pressure's on. You miss this, you've got C A R O.
Ben: My problem is that mum and dad have never really officially said that I can go out on
dates yet
Mike: Yes, my young hornball, but have they officially said that you cannot go out on these
dates?
Ben: No.
Mike: So then what’s your problem? Shoot the ball. Alright alright. Oh hoo. That’s C A R O,
and I've only got a C. Ok, here we got. Yes.
Ben: But Mike, mum and dad have got that long standing rule that if you don’t ask
permission...
Mike: Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, that’s for when toilet roll man walks in the door.
Julie: Your dinners on.
Mike: Alright, let’s just ask Julie.
Ben: no way.
Julie: Ask me what?
Ben: Nothing.
Mike: It’s about girls.
Ben: Mike!
Julie: Bennie, you can ask me. I probably know more about girls than Mike does.
Mike: I doubt that. And yet I don’t.
Ben: Well it’s kind of a guy thing.
Julie: Well I’m sure that whatever Mike says it will be good advice.
Mike: Oh thank you.
Julie: For what?
Mike: For believing in me.
Julie: What’s not to believe in?
Ben: What the heck was all that crud?
Mike: Manners Bennie, manners. Shoot the ball. Alright.
Oh hoo. That’s C A R O L, that spells Carol, and you lose.
Ben: I don’t care. I do not care if I got Carol. What am I supposed to do about my date with
Amy?
Mike: Bennie, I know, we'll let God decide.
Ben: I think he’s going to side with mum and dad.
Mike: No, no, no, no. Ben listen. If you make the shot, then you go out with Amy. And if you
don’t then, uh, I have a secret relationship with Julie.
Ben: Uh!
Mike: Just kidding. Alright.
Ben: Yeah!
Maggie and Jason: There you are!
Mike: Ahh! What am I panicking for? I'm just getting baloney.
Jason: Sorry Mike, we thought you were Ben.
Maggie: We're a little upset.
Mike: Hey if I thought I was Ben then I’d be a little upset too.
Jason: Well do you know where your brother is?
Mike: Well its midnight. My guess would be in bed.
Jason: He’s not. He’s snuck out.
Maggie: On a date.
Mike: No! Well that little hornball.
Maggie: Amy Bowen’s mother called and wanted to talk to Amy. I said she's not here. She said,
well there must be some mistake. So I went in to talk to Ben and what do you think I found?
Mike: Three pillows.
Jason: Two pillows. What do you know about this Mike?
Mike: Look, all I know is that that young lad broke a long standing Seaver rule, and he should
be punished as punished severely. Now I shall enjoy my baloney.
Maggie: That’s him
Mike: Let’s get him.
Jason: We know all about your secret date young man.
Mike: Yeah.
Carol: I'm sorry, I’m sorry. I should have told you.
Everyone: Carol!
Mike: That’s her all right. This is getting good.
Jason: Now we thought you've been in bed the last four hours.
Mike: Exactly what kind of a date what this?
Jason: Exactly what kind of a date was this?
Carol: Just with a guy from school.
Maggie: But you snuck out. We didn’t meet him. We didn’t know where you were. You know
the rule.
Mike: Long standing I believe.
Maggie: What is going on here? I've got two kids who snuck out, and the one who didn’t I’m
not too thrilled with.
Carol: Ben snuck out?
Jason: Yes.
Carol: On a date?
Maggie: Yes.
Mike: And where do you think he learned such behavior? That’s him.
Carol: Let’s get him.
Ben: Um, I was dreaming about food. I woke up. Got dressed, flipped up my color and came
down for a snack.
Maggie: You really don’t feel I’m slothing off my parental duty by having you handle both
punishments?
Jason: No. You won the coin toss far and square.
Maggie: That’s very adult of you.
Jason: Ben, Ben, Ben.
Ben: Yes, yes, yes.
Jason: What you did last night was wrong. Now we have to know where you are at all times,
and that’s not negotiable. Alright? Now what do you have to say for yourself?
Ben: Just that I love you both very very much.
Jason: You don’t have the chops for that Mike stuff, ok. But you're getting there, and that
scares me.
Ben: Thank you.
Jason: That was not a compliment Ben. Come on, now I want an explanation.
Ben: Any Bowen is so pretty. I just wanted to go out with her. Just her and me for a whole
movie. Which by the way was rated G.
Jason: Well Ben, don’t think I don’t remember what its like being a twelve and a half year old
boy.
Ben: All I know is that whenever I see Amy shoot those red banks out of her eyes, I just melt.
Jason: Well there is something about red heads, isn’t there. For me it was freckles.
Ben: What?
Jason: Yeah, I can still remember Rosalind Bladder hanging from that jungle gym. Freckles
from here to Tuesday.
Ben: Amy has this really cute way of touching your arm when you're reaching for a pencil.
Jason: Like it was an accident?
Ben: Yeah, but she knows she's doing it.
Jason: Oh Ben, they all know.
Ben: Dad I know I wouldn’t have done any of that bad stuff if I had been able to think.
Jason: Don’t be so hard on yourself Ben.
Ben: But I disappointed you.
Jason: Look, you went to a movie. That’s all you did. With a girl. I'd be a little disappointed if
you didn’t.
Ben: Dad, I snuck....go on.
Jason: And I think you've learned your lesson about disobeying me and your mum.
Ben: Oh I did. I did.
Jason: Alright. So your punishment this time Ben, is going to be a stern warning. Ok. But I
also want you assurance that this won’t happen again. Your mother worries.
Ben: It won’t. It won’t.
Jason: Ok. Hey Ben. Get out of here you lady killer.
Jason: Carol, Carol, Carol.
Carol: Yes, yes, yes.
Jason: I am...
Carol: Very disappointed in me.
Jason: What you did..
Carol: Very wrong.
Jason: Yes and if you don’t..
Carol: Expect so much better form me.
Jason: I'm doing the punishment. I get to talk, ok.
Carol: Go ahead.
Jason: Ok. What do you have to say for yourself?
Carol: Well see, there's this guy Charlie in my trig class, and he's really really cute. Shy. So
when out of the blue he invited me to the movies..
Jason: Is there anything, Carol, in what you are going to say, that will change the fact that
you broke a long standing Seaver rule?
Carol: Dad, I can explain sneaking out of the house.
Jason: I'm not talking about that rule. I'm talking about the other Seaver rule. We have to
meet your friends, and we have to know where you're going to be at all times. And thank you
for pointing out that you broke two Seaver rules.
Carol: I didn’t plan on breaking any rules, it just..
Jason: Happened.
Carol: Well yeah. Don’t you remember when you were young?
Jason: I remember obeying my father’s rules.
Carol: Don’t you ever remember losing your head over a really cute guy?
Jason: Not that I can recall.
Carol: Dad, I know what I did was wrong..
Jason: You bet it was.
Carol: But if..
Jason: Did you know the rules?
Carol: Well yes.
Jason: Did you break the rules?
Carol: Yes..
Jason: Were you under the control of alien beings?
Carol: Hu!
Jason: No. Then you are grounded for two weeks.
Carol: Two weeks! Dad I’ve learned my lesson. You have my assurance that this will not
happen again.
Jason: Wait a minute. That’s exactly what you said the last time this happened. So you are
grounded fro a full month. Are we clear?
Mike: Alright Bennie! You got a warning! You are almost as good as I was when I was your
age.
Ben: That’s what dad said.
Mike: Wow. I made an impression on the man.
Carol: What are you so happy about squirt?
Ben: My punishment.
Carol: Yeah, well I guess a month of grounding doesn’t mean much to someone with your
limited horizons.
Mike: Dad grounded you for a month?
Carol: Uh hu.
Mike: You know my respect for that man grows more and more every day.
Carol: Why? What did you get Ben?
Ben: Well, I don’t think I should tell you.
Carol: Come on Ben. How long were you grounded for?
Ben: Well..
Carol: Two weeks?
Ben: Uh..
Carol: One week?
Ben: Not exactly.
Carol: What what?
Mike: Hey hey. Get off his back. He got a warning.
Carol: A warning! A stinking warning!
Ben: Plus my word that I would never do it again.
Carol: Well pardon me while I pop my pantyhose.
Ben: Hey, all I really did was break one of mum and dads rules.
Carol: Its two rules, and I did the same thing you little rodent.
Mike: Hey, I believe calling your brother a furry little animal violates Seaver rule number six.
Carol: Pus bag.
Mike: Uh hu. Seaver rule seven.
Ben: Hey Mike. Are you coming? Me and dad are going to watch the Nicks game.
Mike: Yeah. In a minute.
Carol: I do not get this at all.
Mike: Well then obviously Carol, you are missing a very important point.
Carol: What?
Mike: Well that you are a girl and Ben is, although a small one, a guy.
Carol: That’s sexism.
Mike: Hey look Carol. If you feel that strongly about it, just stop shaving your armpits.
Carol: Mum!
Maggie: Carol, it won’t do you any good to appeal your punishment to me. Your father spoke
for both of us.
Carol: mother, there is something I must tell you. There is a sexist male in out midst.
Maggie: What sleazy thing did mike say to you?
Carol: Mum, I’m talking about a bigger pig. A man you married.
Maggie: Carol, that is very disrespectful. No one calls your dad a pig, but me.
TV: Ewing shoots. Yeah!
Ben, Mike and Jason: Yeah!
Maggie: Jason honey, have you got a second?
Jason: Yeah, in a minute honey. Nicks are down by two. Last minute of the game.
Maggie: See Carol has this silly idea that ....
Jason: He's done it!
Ben, Mike and Jason: Yeah!
TV: Driving, driving, yeah!
Mike: Yes, it’s all tied up.
Maggie: Oh, this is almost as good as you getting off with no punishment.
Ben: You said it.
Maggie: Jason.
Jason: Yeah, the next commercial honey.
TV: He's got it. He's making a dribble drive down the lane. This could be the game. He shoots
and it’s in.
Ben, Mike, Jason: Ahhh!
Maggie: The next commercial is here.
Jason: Maggie, what is it? We got Ewing dribble driving down the lane here!
Maggie: Is television really more important than family life?
Ben: It is to me.
Maggie: Ben, go to your room now.
Mike: Look, I’m going too. And dad look, I don’t know what Seaver rule you broke, but you
are in big big trouble.
Maggie: Mike we are just going to have a simple discussion.
Mike: Alright. But just one word of advice for you dad. Remember you're a man.
Jason: I know that Mike. I'm kidding Maggie, I’m kidding. Well what is so important?
Maggie: Jason honey, I think you've sent the wrong message with these punishments you’ve
handed out.
Jason: What message?
Maggie: Well I’m a little embarrassed to say, but carol thinks that the reason she was
punished and Ben wasn’t, is because you're sexist.
Jason: Well it’s totally wrong.
Maggie: I knew it was.
Jason: I should hope so. Yes.
Maggie: I told her it was all a misunderstanding and I knew you had very good reasons for
giving out different punishments.
Jason: You bet I did.
Maggie: What were they?
Jason: You want to hear them now?
Maggie: Oh no, no. I don’t need to hear them
TV: This is the most incredible game in the history of the MBA. These two...
Maggie: Just incase Carol asks me, I should know.
Jason: Ok, well in Carol’s case, she knew the rules but she snuck out anyway with a boy we'd
never met. Alright? It was her second offence that’s why I doubled the grounding.
Maggie: Uh hu.
Jason: Now in Ben’s case, he's a young lad. He's got those raging hormones. He sees a pretty
girl and he lost his head, so who can blame him?
Maggie: Uh hu. Did you mention it to Ben that he's still six months away from being old
enough to date?
Jason: Not specifically no, but I..
Maggie: Did you tell him that his sneaking out caused us both to walk the floor with worry?
Jason: In a round about way. Yes I brought up that the core issue here..
Maggie: Did you mention anything specifically in a non round about way?
Jason: I certainly did. Sort of.
Maggie: Like what?
Jason: Well I, I told him you were worried. Those were my exact words. I said your mother is
worrying.
Maggie: Jason, listen to yourself.
Jason: Honey, what’s your point?
Maggie: I think that Ben got off easy because he's a guy.
Jason: I don’t like what you are accusing me of.
Maggie: Well I don’t feel so hot myself.
Jason: Come on. Don’t you remember back in the days when you were burning bras? I was
always there with a full box of matches. You'll laugh later.
Maggie: Jason, I don’t know what to say.
Jason: Honey, I think you are just looking at this in very simplistic terms.
Maggie: Simplistic?
Jason: It doesn’t matter what I say or do right now does it? You are going to be stuck there in
this illogical rut.
Maggie: Illogical rut?
Jason: Oh my choice of words may not be ideal. I'm sorry.
Maggie: But isn’t that what you meant?
Jason: Why are you offended? I'm the one being accused of being a sexist.
Maggie: If the snout fits, wear it.
Jason: Well then if you didn’t think that I could handle the punishment fairly, why did you
agree to coin flip?
Maggie please. Come down here. Both of us, we should just calm down.
Maggie: Oh, and forget that I’m a simplistic illogical female stuck in a rut.
Jason: I'm game if you are.
Maggie: Ben, Ben, Ben.
Ben: Yes, yes, yes.
Maggie: You know the rules of the house?
Ben: Yeah, and I thought one of them was that you couldn’t get tried for the same crime
twice.
Maggie: No Ben, that’s the United States. This is Seaver land.
Ben: But mum, Amy Bowen is so pretty, I mean I just wanted to go out with her. Don’t you
remember what its like to be a twelve year old boy?
Maggie: Not that I recall. Oh Ben, does anything that you are about to say change the fact
that you broke three long standing Seaver rules?
Ben: Three!
Maggie: You snuck out. You met a date we didn’t know and you're not old enough to date.
Ben: This is getting worse and worse and I’m just standing here.
Maggie: Save it Ben, now for your punishment. No TV for a month.
(Growing pains will not be seen for a month)
(Because Ben messed up)
Ben: Oh no!
Maggie: Starting tomorrow.
Ben: Few!
Carol: Mum, mum, mum.
Maggie: Carol be quiet. I'm going to do the talking.
Carol: Sorry.
Maggie: What were you thinking? I count on you, you're my daughter.
Carol: I know.
Maggie: I expect these kind of shenanigans from the boys, but you!
Carol: Mum, I lost my head. Yesterday when Charlie asked me out..
Maggie: Charlie Maginly?
Carol: Uh hu.
Maggie: From trig class?
Carol: Uh hu.
Maggie: The cute one you told me about with the jeans?
Carol: That’s the one.
Maggie: Wow.
Carol: I know. Well anyway, when he asked me out yesterday, I was afraid to tell you. I mean,
this guy is so cute, dad would have hated him for sure.
Maggie: That cute hu?
Carol: Cuter. Well anyway, you know, I’ve been flirting with him for weeks to ask me out. But
not too much, because I didn’t want him to think that I was a tease. But on the other hand, I
didn’t want him to think that I was a cold fish. Oh mum, being seventeen can be so horrible.
Maggie: Oh honey.
Carol: You know, I thought that Charlie might be interested in me when I noticed that he
, always seemed to be tying his shoe by my locker. When then shelly said it wasn’t an accident
and he knew what he was doing.
Maggie: Carol, they all know.
Carol: And mum, he looks so adorable in his gym shorts.
Maggie: Oh those gym shorts. Did I ever tell you about Clud Tyler?
Carol: No.
Maggie: Well he was on the basketball team, and I was a cheerleader. We went steady all
senior year. I dumped him after graduation. He didn’t have a lot upstairs, but, uh, I’ll never
forget those gym shorts.
Carol: Mum, mum.
Maggie: Oh yes.
(Mike kisses Julie)
Julie: Hi Ben.
Mike: What?
Julie: Got ya.
Mike: What the heck are you doing here on Saturday?
Julie: I couldn’t stay away.
Mike: Oh.
Ben: Nuts.
Mike: White bread. Rye bread.
Julie: Uh, what’s the matter Bennie?
Ben: Mum over ruled dad, and I got a month of no TV.
TV: We're going in to triple overtime. I don’t know about you, but mad dogs couldn’t drag me
away from this one. This....Coming up next, an interview with..
Jason: Are you happier?
Maggie: Much
TV: We are going to find out if Jane's career is over, or just on hold.
Maggie: Can’t we watch the Nicks game?
Carol: Julie, what are you doing here?
Julie: Oh, just dropping off the groceries. I got to run.
Carol: Oh, you got a date?
Julie: Kind of. Well I was hoping this guy would drop over around eight, and we'll probably
watch some TV and order in Chinese.
Mike: Sounds like fun.
Julie: Bye.
Carol: Bye. Yeah well, I might go out on a date myself tonight.
Ben: Wait a minute, what happened to your punishment?
Carol: I'm doing it.
Mike: What, they are making you walk around with a goofy look on your face?
Carol: For your information, I have to do breakfast dishes all week.
Ben: It was your week anyway.
Carol: Uh hu.
Ben: That’s it? That is all mum gave you? And I got a month of no TV?
Maggie: Go, go, shoot it, shoot it!
Jason: So, what did you give Ben?
Maggie: Next commercial. Wow, great rebound.
Jason: Maggie, is TV really more important than..
Maggie: What a shot! Hey, are you nuts? They're in quadruple overtime.
Jason: Well I merely wanted to see how you remedied the situation dear, so I can learn to
become a better parent in the future.
Ben: That is the most unfair thing I’ve ever heard.
Mike: If I were you Bennie boy, I would not stand for this. I know sexism when i smell it.
Carol: Me too. It smells like cheap cologne.
Jason: Well my point is, is that maybe your punishment gave out children the wrong message.
Maggie: What?
Jason: Yeah. That certain mothers can give certain daughters certain breaks.
Maggie: Oh Jason, are you accusing me, Ms Maggie Malone, or sexism?
Jason: If the bra fits, burn it.
Maggie: Oh Jason, you can’t help but feel this way. I mean, you're just blinded by your own
narrow mindedness.
Jason: Narrow-mindedness?
Maggie: Possibly my choice of words was perfect.
Jason: That’s incredible. You don’t even know how wrong you are.
Maggie: Didn’t you let your son off Scot free?
Jason: Didn’t you let your daughter off Scot free.
Maggie: Well I just gave my daughter a little understanding because I know how tough it is to
be seventeen, female, and dealing with boys.
Jason: And I know how confusing it is to be a boy who suddenly wakes up one day and finds
he would trade his immortal soul just for a nice view of freckles. I can’t say it any clearer.
Maggie: Jason, can’t you even consider the possibility that you were easier on Ben than Carol?
Jason: Of course I was.
Maggie: What?
Jason: Not because I’m sexist Maggie. Its just common knowledge. Both parents are always
much tougher on daughters than sons.
Maggie: oh it’s not common anything.
Jason: Well it should be.
Maggie: Men are such jerks. That's why I was so tough on Ben.
Jason: Maggie, listen to yourself.
Maggie: well I do know this, I am no more sexist than, than,..
Jason: Than I am?
Maggie: Yes.
Jason and Maggie: Oh Boy!
Jason: You want to hug a sexist?
Maggie: Do you?
Jason: I'm thinking.
Jason: So we want to talk to you about improving the punishment situation.
Ben: That’s exactly what I wanted to talk to both of you about.
Carol: Well I, for one, think things have gone wonderfully.
Maggie: We're talking about injustice.
Mike: Oh, let me get a good seat.
Jason: Doesn’t really concern you Mike.
Mike: Hey, are you serious? Injustice anywhere concerns me.
Jason: From now on, I will be handling all of Carol’s punishments.
Ben: Alright!
Maggie: And I will be handling all of bens punishments.
Carol: Alright!
Mike: Neither of you are going to get away with anything.
Ben and Carol: That’s right!
Jason: From now on in Seaver land, your mother and I will use our sexism for good, instead of
for evil.
Carol: Whoopee!
Maggie: So Ben, your month of no TV stands.
Jason: Carol, your month of grounding stands.
Carol: But...
Mike: Hey, if you ask me, the two of you are getting off easy. Especially you Carol. Everybody
knows that girls are supposed to be better than boys. Right dad?
Jason: I'm not saying anything.