Mike: Due to the continuing flu epidemic, the following teachers will be out today, and their
classes cancelled. Oh, Kate you read 'em, I'm too nervous.
Kate: Professor Forrest, Chem. and Bio labs.
Mike: Oh, I knew I should have taken Chemistry.
Kate: Miss Gorse’s English seminar.
Mike: Is our beloved Professor Thorn up there?
Kate: Yes.
Mike: Oh yes! Alright! No Drama! Let's hope it's not just one of those twenty four hour deals.
Kate: Mike, this is a person we're talking about, a human being.
Mike: He's not a human being, he's a teacher.
Kate: Oh, Mike, here's a good idea to keep you busy; due to the flu epidemics, substitute high
school teachers needed this week throughout Long Island.
Mike: Go on.
Kate: Well that's it, you could substitute teach.
Mike: You should be in bed young lady.
Kate: Mike, I'm serious.
Mike: Well, give me one good reason why I should...teach.
Kate: Pay is fifty Dollars a day.
Mike: Ooh, that's one.
Kate: Substitutes will administer prepared lessons in subjects including Mathematics, History,
Drama!
Mike: Drama! Well, I could err... Oh, but Kate, me! Teach! I'm the Anti-Teacher.
Kate: Well, it wouldn't be a bad idea down the road to have another skill to fall back on.
Mike: Kate, I wanna be an actor, I don't need a skill.
Maggie: Oh, hi honey, how are you feeling?
Carol: How do I look?
Ben: I'll call the paramedics.
Maggie: Think you can finally keep some food down?
Carol: Well what are you making?
Maggie: Pea soup. Oh, hi Mom, how are you doing? Maggie. Well, Carol's got that bug that's
going around, but the rest of us are fine. I just wanted to tell you, we're about to send
another video tape of Chrissy. No, Mom, it will be shorter than the last one. I thought you
liked it! Oh, hi Daddy.
Chrissy: Mamma.
Maggie: You won't have to wait for the video tape, Dad, Chrissy's talking now, just listen.
Chrissy: Mamma.
Maggie: Chrissy, say hello to you Grandparents.
Chrissy: ****!
Maggie: No, Daddy, Jason didn't train her to say that to you. Well you're darn tooting I'm
gonna find out who taught her to say that. Sure Dad. Bye. Benjamin Seaver.
Ben: Relax Mom, I got it all on tape.
Maggie: Have you been using that word around Chrissy.
Ben: Oh, err...well...
Jason: Hey everybody.
Ben: Dad, Well gosh darn it, heck, anyway how are you?
Jason: Ben, what did you do?
Ben: It's not me, it's her.
Maggie: Chrissy learned a new word.
Jason: Oh! A new word! Oh, Chrissy!
Maggie: Yes, but err...
Jason: Give me the camera. Say Dadda! Yes over here. Chrissy, who am I?
Chrissy: ****!
Jason: Did she just say...
Maggie: Yes, she did. Didn't she, Ben?
Ben: Dad, Mom has this crazy idea that somehow I had something to do with this.
Jason: Uh hu!
Ben: Hey, I'm innocent! I swear! No I don't.
Jason: Well, if somebody's taught her bad and who ever the hel... Oh, Chrissy. Maggie. Mike!
Gosh, darn it, the heck, how are you?
Mike: Dad, this was the best day of the whole semester, my entire year!
Jason: Oh, really? Why?
Mike: Well, no classes. All my teachers were sick. Wow, Carol, hot date tonight?
Carol: Oh, Mike, I took a phone message for you.
Mike: Oh, good, where is it?
Carol: I tore it up.
Mike: Why?
Carol: Because I always do that. But this one I'll tell you about. You're expected to report to
Principal Dewitt’s office at Dewey high tomorrow morning.
Jason: What! Wait, why would they want you back at your old high school?
Carol: The only thing that makes sense to me is that they rechecked your grades.
Mike: Why does everybody assume the worst here?
Jason: Because it's you we're talking about, Mike.
Mike: As a matter of fact, I am going there tomorrow to teach.
Jason: Ha ha.
Mike: No, no, look Dad, with this flu thing going around, the school system needs some
substitute teachers.
Carol: And they didn't call me!
Mike: Well, they probably did Carol, but your head was in the toilet at the time.
Jason: Mike, you really wanna go back to Dewey and face the man who set off fireworks the
day you graduated?
Mike: I didn't know it was going to be Dewey when I signed up, Dad. But, oh man, Mr. Dewitt
is gonna go nuts when he sees me. I bet you I know exactly what he's gonna say...
Chrissy: ****!
Mike: No, but that's what he'll be thinking.
Dewitt: Alright people! Does anyone here have any experience with English?
Spaniard: Si, hablo Inglese.
Dewitt: Why couldn't I get the flu, and not just one of those twenty four hour deals!
Secretary: Oh, we still need somebody to cover Mr. Hessman's very special ed classes.
Dewitt: Right, the thugs. Do any of you know martial arts?
Supply Teacher: I know Marshall Schwartz.
Dewitt: Close enough.
Mike: Ah, excuse me. Mr. Dewitt, Coach Lovett said to report to you for detention.
Dewitt: Not now, Seaver, I'm busy with the substitutes... Arrgghh!!
Mike: I'm back.
Dewitt: Seaver, what are you doing here?
Mike: Well, I came back to teach. We're colleagues now.
Dewitt: Get away! Get away! Estelle, do something for a change.
Secretary: Oh!! Welcome back Mike!!
Dewitt: Not that! What makes you think I would turn over a class to a thug like you? Mr.
Seaver, if someone is going to teach at this school, they have got to be qualified.
Mike: Oh, so this is a new policy then.
Dewitt: Get out.
Mike: OK, fine. At least I showed up, so I get my money.
Dewitt: Great, from my own pocket.
Mike: Great, this is even easier than teaching.
Dewitt: Pardon me?
Secretary: He said...
Dewitt: I know what he said! You think teaching is easy!
Mike: Well, yeah. You just get up in front of a bunch of kids and you, you know...
Dewitt: Teach.
Mike: Right.
Dewitt: And that's...easy.
Mike: Well, no quite as easy as this. My fifty Dollars please. Mr. Dewitt.
Dewitt: Come to think of it, Seaver, I could use somebody like you today.
Mike: Oh, so you want me to stick around?
Dewitt: Oh, yes. Estelle, why don't we give our old friend Mr. Seaver...oh...Mr. Hessman's very
special students?
Secretary: You want to send him in, alone and un-armed.
Dewitt: Uh hu.
Supply Teacher: Well what am I gonna teach?
Dewitt: Russian.
Supply Teacher: Well I don't speak Russian.
Dewitt: neither does anyone in the class, that's why they're taking it. Snap out of it! Err...the
rest of you, heck, teach each other, I don't care.
Mike: So, err...this Hessman guy must be new, what does he teach?
Dewitt: Criminals, mostly.
Mike: Is this Mr. Hessman's...
Scuzz: Mike!
Mike: Scuzz! Hey, how you doing, you old scuzzmeister?
Scuzz: Well, six years of Dewey and still going strong!
Mike: Yeah.
Scuzz: This year, I might make it.
Mike: Oh, yeah, graduation?
Scuzz: No, Southmoor. Hey, guys, this is Mike Seaver! We was in Freshman's English together.
Mike: We sure was! Twice.
Student: Wow wow! This is Mike Seaver, class of Eighty eight?
Mike: Yeah, that's me.
Students: Wow!!
Student 2: Wow, I've heard stories about you, man. Hey, my big brother was in stall number
one, the day you and Boner got all the toilets in the whole school to back up at once.
Mike: Well, maybe not all at once.
Student: Hey, you've been my role model, man!
Mike: Hey, thanks.
Student 2: And is it true they graduated you, just to get rid of you?
Mike: Where'd you hear that?
Scuzz: You're a legend here, man.
Mike: Yeah?
Student 2: And now he's our teacher. Alright!
Student: Hey, I don't think I ever had a cool teacher before.
Mike: Thanks.
Student: Oh, oh, you got to tell us about the time you snook the camera into the girls locker
rooms.
Mike: Which time?
Student 2: Tell us about the time you killed Mr. Buginshoes!
Mike: Well, that was blown a little out of proportion!
Student 2: Yeah!
Student: Get out o' here, Mike!
Mike: Hey, look guys, there’s' plenty of time for fun stories, right? But first we got to get this
quiz out of the way.
Students: Huh? What? No way.
Mike: Hey, hey, look guys, come on, this was not my idea. Now just pass these things out. If
you need help sharpening your pencils, then.... Good one guys! Hey, where's the quizzes?
Students: Smokey! Fire! Smokey!
Mike: I know it's here somewhere. Ah, hi, Mr. Dewitt. Hey.
Dewitt: Problems already, Seaver?
Mike: Ah, no, no, not at all, sir.
Dewitt: You got them to take the quiz?
Mike: Well, let's just say, I lit a fire under 'em.
Dewitt: Good.
Mike: Come on Guys! Guys! That was not funny, there was a fire, somebody could have gotten
hurt.
students: Aw!
Mike: Guys, give me a break, alright? It's just a simple test.
Scuzz: Mike, tell you what; we'll play one round of Poker, and then we're gonna take the test.
Mike: Great, hey, thanks, I appreciate this.
Scuzz: Your deal.
Scuzz: Great game, Mikey.
Mike: Great, thanks. Man, I feel like I'm being punished for something.
Dewitt: You are. You are. You're being punished for all those years of hell you put me through.
You're being punished for all my former colleagues who've been driven out of this noble
profession. Do you remember Mr. Wessler, the best damn Math teacher I ever had, he's a
game-show host now.
Mike: Mr. Dewitt!
Dewitt: Oh, wait a second, Mike, I'm making you feel bad.
Mike: Well, yeah.
Dewitt: Oh and after none of those kids in there would listen to you.
Mike: Uh hu. I mean...
Dewitt: You were being honest with them.
Mike: I was.
Dewitt: And they didn't have the decency to stand up there and get your easy money,
teaching!
Mike: Yeah.
Dewitt: Ha ha ha ha, you little twerp. I haven't been this satisfied since my honeymoon!!!
Mike: Well, come on, give me a break, Mr. Dewitt, this is my first class.
Dewitt: Oh, what do you think it's gonna get easier? That was an eight a.m class. The tough
guys don't even get up till noon.
Mike: Yeah, well I'm just waking up myself, alright, and I'm just barely breaking my second
wind. You know what I mean.
Dewitt: You're not even gonna make it through the day! You'll crack, Seaver, you'll crack! And
I'm gonna be here to stomp on the pieces.
Mike: Oh yeah!
Dewitt: Round two. Go get 'em!
Mike: Hey! Hey! No! You guys be quiet! Thanks. Look, before we have any fun, we gotta get
these quizzes out of the way.
Pupil: Hey, Mike Seaver, it really is you!
Mike: Yeah!
Pupil: Hey, hey look man. We wanted to get you a little something. It's not an apple, but we
figured it's something you could use.
Pupils: Woooo!!!
Mike: Hey! Hey!
Maggie: OK, Chrissy, this is a dictionary, and it's filled with words...wonderful words, clean
words.
Carol: Mom, where's the mop?
Maggie: Oh, I'm airing out from the last time.
Carol: Well it's the next time again. I'll get it.
Maggie: Well the beauty of this book, Chrissy, is that you can say any word in it, and you
won't make Mommy mad.
Carol: Mom, what are you doing?
Maggie: Oh, I'm teaching Chrissy the beauty of the English language. OK, Chrissy, pick any
page here you want. Chrissy. Look, what page? OK, that's good. Now, point to any word here
at all.
Chrissy: Goo goo.
Maggie: Good, good, that's very good. Now, that word is... How did that word get in the
dictionary? I didn't know that word until I was twenty one. I didn't know I had one until last
Saturday. Chrissy, let's pick another word. OK?
Chrissy: ****!
Carol: Mom!
Maggie: It's important to show that we're not upset, or she'll be using this word all the time.
Chrissy, another word.
Chrissy: ****!
Mike: So, this is Mr. Hessman's Health class. Where's everybody else?
Student: The big kids are sick.
Mike: Ah. This shouldn't be so tough. Well, as long as we're here, why don't we go ahead and
take this test, right? Hey, hey, where are you going?
Student: Me?
Mike: Yeah.
Student: To have this removed.
Mike: One kid. I can't even get one kid to listen to me.
Dewitt: (on the PA) You either.
Mike: Who's that?
Dewitt: I am the ghost of Mr. Buginshoes.
Mike: Hey look, look, you know I didn't kill you. You just moved to New Jersey to sell
insurance!
Dewitt: Yeah!
Mike: Mr. Dewitt, is that you?
Dewitt: Ha, you got me, Seaver.
Mike: Hey, have you been listening in on my classes?
Dewitt: And taping 'em for the drive home. I'll tell you what Mr. Seaver, you give up now,
come to my office, I'll give you the fifty Bucks now, and you can go home.
Mike: No.
Dewitt: OK, a hundred. Mr. Seaver, don't play coy with me. I know you're considering it, and
don't make that obscene gesture to me.
Mike: Alright, guys, we're gonna take this test and then... Oh, oh err...hi ladies.
Girls: Woo!!!!
Mike: Ladies, ladies, please.
girls: Woo!!
Mike: (In his head) Last class, Mike, you can get through this. Come on, you've never let
Dewitt beat you, you can't start today.
Dewitt: (In Mike's head) Yes you can Mr. Seaver.
Mike: (In his head) Mr. Dewitt, what are you doing in my head?
Dewitt: (In Mike's head) Mr. Seaver, I'm everywhere.
Students: Wooo! Seaver!
Mike: Scuzz, hey Scuzz, wait a minute, you're not in this class.
Scuzz: When I heard you was teaching it, I decided to audit it.
Student: Yeah, me too.
Scuzz: And then the word started spreading, this was the place to be and then...
students: Wooo!!
Student 2: Mikey, I liberated this from the AV room, I figured we could check out this
documentary.
Mike: Cowgirls in Spain.
Student 2: Yippee yaw yey! Oh, and the beer's on its way.
Pupil: This'll be the best party of the year.
Students: Alright!
Pupil: Hey, you're a very popular teacher, Mike!
Students: Yeah!!!
Mike: I am not a teacher, alright?
Scuzz: You bet you aint. And that's the beauty of this deal; for once we've got someone
behind the big desk, who's like us.
Students: Yeah!!
Mike: I'm not like you.
Student 2: Hey, pull the shades, it's time to learn something, class.
Mike: Turn off the movie, alright?
Students: Wow!!
Scuzz: That's right, you wait until Mike gets a good seat.
Mike: Hey, I am not like you.
Scuzz: Oh, that's OK, we got one of those films too.
Student 2: Show time!
Mike: Whoever does not belong in this class, get out!
Scuzz: Woo! Mikey, you're starting to sound like a teacher.
Mike: Look, I am a teacher! At least for right now, OK? So if you don't belong in here, get out!
Scuzz: What's happened to you, man?
Mike: I grew up. Hey, cut out the laughing, alright? You in the back of row, don't you dare put
those pencils up the back of your nose, buddy, I've had enough clowning around today.
Pupil: How'd you know I Was gonna put 'em up my nose?
Mike: Because I've seen it before, in fact I've done it, and I've done it better; four pencils and
magic marker.
Pupil: Sorry.
Mike: Alright, now let's see if we can get some work done. And if you girls think you have
answers written in places I won't look, I've looked. And drop the spit ball Mr.!
Student: But I was...
Mike: Don't tell me you were just stretching, alright?
Student: Yes, sir!
Mike: We have got a test to take today, and the next person who says something not related
to this test gets detention, and that goes for all of you. Is that clear? Good. Pass these back.
Not all of them, keep one!
Student: Oh, yes sir.
Mike: Alright people, not a word till I get back. And you, pencil nose, you're in charge!
Pupil: Me! I can't be the teacher, I hate teachers.
Mike: Snap out of it. Can we make this quick, I've got these kids under control and I don't
know how long it's gonna last.
Dewitt: Oh, OK, this can wait. Seaver, what are you trying to pull? Don't act like you care what
goes on in this room.
Mike: Well, Mr. Dewitt, they're taking a quiz, I mean, isn't that' what you wanted?
Dewitt: I wanted you to feel bad about every teacher you mistreated in your academic career!
And I use that term in its broadest sense. I wanted you to crack and cry like a baby on a cold
vermilion floor, like I do in my office every morning.
Mike: Isn't it carpeted?
Dewitt: Well yes it is...Seaver!
Mike: Eyes on your papers, people! You were saying...
Dewitt: I was saying... Wait a minute, you expect me to fall for this act? You're paying these
people off, of course.
Mike: Mr. Dewitt, I...I'm not paying anyone off, alright? And even if I did, it wouldn't have
worked. You know, I've tried being funny with these people, I've tried being nice, I've tried
being cool, but the only thing that ever got through to them was when I was an...an uncool,
iron-fisted tyrant!
Dewitt: Tyrant?
Mike: Yeah.
Dewitt: Seaver, you just used a two syllable word.
Mike: That's why teachers can't be cool! That's why you're such a bozo!
Dewitt: That's righ...
Mike: Mr. Dewitt, look, I've got something to tell you; teaching is a tough job!!
Dewitt: No!
Mike: You know, I got another thing to say; it's that those kids are gonna take that test
tomorrow, if it kills me. Mr. you better have a real good reason for being out of your seat, and
Mr. get your ears away from this door, as this conversation has nothing to do with you!
Dewitt: Good golly, Miss Molly.
Mike: What?
Dewitt: There's a theory among educators that we all talk about when we gather at
the...teacher place. The theory goes like this; if we could take one of our goof-offs, the ones
who suck up our energy and give nothing back. If we could take such a student and turn him
so that he could use his powers for good instead of evil, he, oh he, would be the perfect
teacher...the one! The one, we've always been waiting for. You could be this man.
Mike: Me, a perfect teacher?
Dewitt: Chilling, isn't it?
Mike: Well, Mr. Dewitt, I don't know about being perfect, but I sure smell like a teacher.
Dewitt: Ah, yes, the mixture of flop sweat and cheap clothing, I know it well.
Mike: Hey, look Mr. Dewitt, I'm really sorry for all the grief I ever gave you...
Dewitt: Well Mike, if you're the one, none of that matters.
Mike: Well, you know, I mean, all of the stuff I said behind your back and like the time that I
put the...the PA mike in your private bathroom...
Dewitt: Oh Mike yes.... That was you!!
Mike: Yeah.
Dewitt: Mr. Seaver...
Mike: I got to go check on my class, alright? And thank you for all the nice things you said
about me.
Dewitt: Maybe I am imagining all this. Maybe I am hallucinating. I know, I have the flu. I do. I
have the flu. I'm out of here.
Jason: Wait a minute, slow down. You've had quite a day now, just take it easy. You've learned
something today, nobody ever thought you would...especially your parents. The question is,
what are you gonna do with all this new found knowledge? Listen to me, now are you not to
use that word in this house again, now do we have a deal?
Chrissy: ****!