Maggie: OK Ben, we'll be back from the theatre by eleven, unless your father springs an after
show supper...we'll be back by eleven. Now, you know Chrissy's diapers are and I laid out her
pajamas, and I don't think it's a very good idea for you to have any friends over.
Stinky: Hey Ben, Big Bad Mama's on cable tonight!
Maggie: Stinky, I think you're gonna have to go home now.
Stinky: I'm not allowed at home whenever my mom and dad rent video tapes.
Maggie: Hello. Mike, somebody's calling about your car ad!!
Ben: He's not here; it’s outside showing his car to a ripe one.
Mike: Now I'm not selling flash or chrome or any space-age ignition systems like the cars
you've been considering. I'm talking about reliable transportation from a country that was a
major participant in world war two. Did I mention, it floats?
Carol: Mike, a lot of things float.
Mike: I am insulted.
Carol: Mike, forget it.
Mike: No, no, Carol, do me just this one favour, after all the good times we've had together.
Carol: Do I count this one?
Mike: Not yet. Come on, just try me Carol, I mean look...
Carol: Shut up, I'll take it for a spin
Mike: Good. Have a spin. By the way, you are sitting on something that did not require the
slaughter of a single living thing.
Carol: Then why does it smell in here?
Mike: I'll tell you after the cheque clears.
Carol: Where's the key?
Mike: Ah, interesting, Carol. I have done away with the inconvenience of keys.
Carol: What?
Mike: Yeah, you just touch the little red wire to the blue wire. Aha, I assume my anti-theft
system is on guard.
Maggie: Honey, why are you drinking coffee, we're gonna be late for the theatre.
Jason: Oh, relax Maggie, the curtain doesn't go up until eight forty five.
Maggie: Oh, well that's an odd time for a Broadway play to start.
Jason: Yeah, well they have to clear all the dishes.
Maggie: What dishes?
Jason: From the dinner.
Maggie: Jason, what Broadway theatre serves dinner before the show?
Jason: Oh, I said we were going to a Broadway play, I didn't say were going to Broadway
theatre.
Maggie: So, we're not going into New York.
Jason: Not if you want to make it to Perambis by show time.
Maggie: So, instead of going to Broadway, we're going to a dinner theatre in New Jersey and
we're not even having dinner!
Jason: Honey! I don't know about you, but when I'm going to see Charles Nelson Riley, I don't
care where he performs.
Maggie: Hello. Oh, yes I think it's still for sale. I'll try and find him. Mike!!!
Mike: What?
Maggie: It's for you, it's about your car.
Mike: Oh, thanks.
Jason: Are you gonna talk?
Mike: Err, yeah, Dad, come on, if I look too anxious this guy's gonna think something's wrong
with the car.
Jason: I thought there was.
Mike: See. Ah, hello, sir, sorry sorry for the wait, but I was just out showing my V Dub to a
young publishing executive who's test driving it now.
Jason: What young publishing executive?
Mike: Carol! Well the deal hasn't actually been finalized yet and frankly I don't even like the
woman. Well you could...you could wait till morning, but I think it would be better if you could
see it when it's dark...I mean now...before it's sold. Hello. Hello.
Jason: Mike, why do you have to be so sleazy?
Mike: Dad, I'm selling a car. Come on, what am I supposed to do? I mean tell 'em that the
engine's shot, the tyres are balled and the breaks are bad?
Jason: Yes.
Mike: But then I'd only get what its worth.
Jason: You know there are times in a father's life when he looks into his son's eyes and he
knows he's done a good job. This isn't one of them.
Carol: It's still here. Who's he after? Go around! Go around! Officer, I didn't know you meant
me. I've never been pulled over by a Police man before.
Policeman: I stopped you because of the For Sale sign.
Carol: Oh, you don't want to buy this piece of junk.
Policeman: Do you mind turning the engine off please.
Carol: Could you do it, I hate to touch bare wires. Is this car a piece of junk, or what?
Policeman: May I see your operator's licence and registration please.
Carol: Why?
Policeman: You're operating an unsafe vehicle.
Carol: Well, you didn't have to tell me that.
Policeman: Your operator's licence and registration, please!
Carol: I bet Mike's registration is...buried under all these unpaid parking tickets.
Policeman: Pardon me?
Carol: There must be forty or fifty in here.
Policeman: Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to arrange other transportation. Please step out of your
vehicle.
Carol: It's not my vehicle. If I had a vehicle, I would be happy to exit it. And I promise you my
vehicle would not smell like a cheese factory. Excuse me. Oops!
Stinky: Seaver residence, Stinky speaking.
Carol: I need to talk to Mike.
Stinky: He's not here.
Carol: Then my parents!
Stinky: They're out seeing Charles Manson Riley.
Carol: Then let me talk to Ben.
Stinky: Oh, hi Carol, how's it going?
Carol: Just get Ben!!
Stinky: Ben, phone for you, it's Carol!
Ben: Take a message, I'm in the can.
Stinky: He's in the can.
Carol: Stinky, I need to talk to him, it's a life or death situation.
Stinky: It's a life or death situation!
Ben: So's what I'm doing!
Stinky: So is what he's doing.
Carol: Help Ben find my mom and dad and tell them that I'm...
Stinky: Errm, Carol, could you hold on, I think there's a call waiting.
Carol: Look Stinky, this is more important...
Stinky: Hello, Seaver residence, Stinky speaking. Oh, hi Laura, it's Stinky. Ben, it's
Laura-Lynn!
Ben: Alright, alright, alright! Hello. Oh, hi Laura. Aha. Both your parents are gone! Yeah, I
think I could stop by some time tonight. I think it'll be late. Aha. Alright. Thanks. Bye. Well
what are you waiting for Chrissy, grab Stinky and let's go.
Stinky: I think he's got that backwards. Ben! I'm not going to answer it, it's never for me.
Answer phone message (Maggie and Jason): It's OK, we know a lot of people try to leave
cutesy little messages on their machines, but not us. Leave your massage at the tone, doo da
doo da. We'll call back when we're at home, do di doo da day. Hey!
Carol: (Leaving a message on the machine) Stinky, pick up! Ben you little rodent, where are
you? This isn't funny, I'm in jail and they're about to de-louse me! Somebody better do
something quick!
Carol: I don't belong in here with common criminals...thieves, degenerates, low-lifes...and I'm
sure you cocktail waitresses feel the same way.
Prisoner: Watch out for that little puddle in the corner.
Carol: Is she alright?
Prisoner 2: What do you think?
Carol: So, when does the guard get back?
Prisoner: Eleven thirty.
Carol: I can't wait till then. I have got to go home, I don't belong here.
Prisoner: Oh, darling, she melted my heart. What the heck, what do you say we let her out?
Carol: You can do that!
Prisoner 2: Think about this. If we could do that, would we be here with you?
Carol: I guess then you probably can't.
Prisoner: What did you do to get in here, anyway?
Carol: Nothing, absolutely nothing!
Prisoner 2: What did they charge you with?
Carol: You don't understand, people like me don't get arrested.
Prisoners: Oooh! Oooh!
Carol: I got straight A's in high school. My father is a psychiatrist, my mother is a journalist. I
work in Manhattan, one of the five boroughs of New York. Jail isn't for people like me, it's for
people like...I'll just say it...you!
Ben: OK, I'll make you a deal Chrissy; you don't breathe a word of where we were tonight you
get another suck box.
Chrissy: OK.
Maggie: Jason, I'll admit, I had my doubts about Charles Nelson Riley doing Othello.
Jason: Hey.
Maggie: But, my gosh, the man has range.
Chrissy: Hi.
Jason and Maggie: Hi Chrissy.
Jason: Chrissy!
Maggie: Chrissy! What are you doing out here all alone?
Jason: Ben, what's going on here?
Ben: Oh, I was just gonna give her this suck box.
Jason: What did you call me?
Ben: You explain it, Mom.
Maggie: No Ben, you explain why you and your baby sister are up past midnight and why she
is wearing this jacket.
Ben: Hey, she's going through this overcoat stage. I've been with her, on the couch, all
evening.
Jason: Is that why there are phone messages?
Ben: Ah, well you know what you've told me about not answering the phone when I'm home
alone.
Maggie: Ben, we never told you any thing like that.
Ben: Oh, right that was President Bush.
Maggie: So you've heard all these phone messages as they were coming in.
Answer phone Messages: (Carol) Stinky, pick up! Ben, you little rodent, where are you? This
isn't funny. I'm in jail and they're about to de-louse me. Somebody better do something quick!
Jason: Jail!
Answer phone message continued: Is anybody there? Mom! Mom!
Maggie: Oh, yes honey, I'm coming!! Oh, come on, Jason.
Answer phone message: (Laura-Lynn) Hi Benjamin, this is Laura-Lynn, I had a great time
tonight. Let's do it again next time my parents are out.
Maggie: Ben, this is serious.
Ben: You're telling me. There's some kid going around this town pretending he's me, with my
girl!
Prison Warden: Seaver! Carol Seaver!
Carol: Yes.
Prison Warden: Miss Seaver, on behalf of the state of New York, we're sorry. A fine person like
you doesn't deserve to be in jail.
Carol: Well, it's about time. Everybody, everybody! Our cell mother has an announcement to
make.
Prison Warden: I'm kidding twerp. You're parents are here to bail your uptown butt out of
here.
Jason: Of course I want you in court tomorrow, Sid, you're my lawyer. Well could you possible
move the racket ball thing? Yeah, yeah, our time to see the judge is eight a.m, to tell us the
charge is resisting arrest. No, no, it's not Mike, it's Carol. Alright. Goodbye. It's all set, Fiman
will be there.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, Carol's been in this horrible place all evening.
Jason: Honey, it's alright, they said she's OK.
Maggie: Oh, Jason honey, I'm stared to even think of what went on here tonight with our poor
baby. You know how fragile she is. We're just gonna have to try to put our frightened little girl
back together.
Carol: Where the hell have you been?
Jason: Hey...
Carol: I have been in jail for six hours and a very large woman drooled on me. Prostitutes
laughed at me!
Jason: Oh, honey, we've all been there. Not there! Not there, exactly...but near...close...
Drooling...a large woman!
Carol: I can't wait to get that police man in court.
Jason: Well, speaking of court, Carol.
Carol: Alright, now when do we meet with the lawyer.
Maggie: Tomorrow, right before we see the judge.
Carol: But we need time to gather our evidence, interview witnesses, take depositions...
Jason: Hey, w...w...ait...wait, wait! It's gonna be a lot simpler than that.
Carol: Really?
Jason: Yes, Fiman says as long as you plead guilty in the judge's chambers tomorrow, there'll
be no trial, no hearing, nothing goes on your record.
Carol: But I'm not guilty!
Maggie: Honey, that's not the important thing here! What's important is that you don't get
yourself in deeper than you already are.
Carol: What's more important than justice?
Mike: My car, where the heck is it?
Carol: Impounded, like I was for six hours.
Mike: Oh, that's horrible.
Carol: Well, it was for a while, Mike, but I'm OK now.
Mike: They got my cute little car.
Maggie: Mike, your sister has been through a lot tonight, can you please show a little
compassion.
Mike: Oh, sorry about the jail thing. How am I gonna get my car back!?
Carol: Mike, forget your car! This is bigger than your stinking car!
Mike: Boy, prison has made you a bitter woman.
Carol: Mom, Dad, I want a full vindication, and I will not rest until my name is clear.
Jason: W...wait, wait, Carol, this could drag on for months and months. Do you really want
that to happen?
Carol: Well you always told me not to lie, and I do not want to say I'm guilty when I'm not.
Maggie: What if this thing goes to trial and somehow they find you guilty of resisting arrest.
You could go to prison.
Carol: I'm innocent.
Maggie: Carol, sometimes they find innocent people guilty, you've got to remember what's
important here.
Mike: My car!
Maggie: No. Your future.
Carol: Mom!
Jason: Carol, Carol, listen, I know more about this thing than you do, OK. And I'm telling you,
you're gonna go down the judges chamber, you're gonna plead guilty, that's it! Period!
Carol: But... And I thought I was out of jail.
Jason: And Mike, you! Seven thirty sharp tomorrow, we leave for the court, OK?
Mike: Me, what do you want me for?
Jason: The judge requested your presence...something about a glove compartment full of
unpaid parking tickets.
Mike: Well, good thing he didn't check the trunk.
Maggie: Honey, it's almost time. Where's our lawyer?
Jason: Don't worry, Maggie; Sid has never let me down.
Mike: Hey, this isn't gonna be so bad, I have a feeling this judge is gonna be pretty cool.
Carol: Why?
Mike: It says, Judge Hermann. I mean how many of these dudes would want you to call them
by their first names?
Sidney: Jason, sorry I'm late!
Jason: Oh, Sid, it's alright. I'm glad you made it.
Maggie: So this is Sid.
Sidney: Sidney actually. You must be Maggie.
Maggie: Uh hu.
Sidney: You know, I don't know why we haven't met before.
Mike: I do.
Jason: Maggie, forget what she looks like. Sidney is a qualified attorney.
Sidney: Wow, so this is what a judges chambers looks like.
Jason: You know a lot of lawyers don't actually work in the court room. She passed the bar,
Maggie.
Maggie: Why, nobody offered to buy her a drinky?
Sidney: You're Carol, right?
Carol: Mmm.
Sidney: Don't worry, I'll take good care of you.
Mike: I'm Mike and I could use a little care myself.
Sidney: I may have to throw you to the wolves to save your sister.
Maggie: So, this is why you didn't mind taking our lawyer out to lunch and didn't mind paying.
Judge: Old judge's joke.
Sidney: Your honour, my client...
Judge: Hold your water a sec, honey. Now, this is the case of the people versus the rude little
college girl, right?
Carol: Well, I don't really start Columbia till next fall.
Sidney: Carol, the judge doesn't want to hear about your college plans.
Judge: Sure he does. What are you majoring in?
Carol: Well, I'm not really sure yet. I was thinking of something in business, but lately I've...
Sidney: Your honour, if we may my client would like to enter her plea now.
Judge: Easy councilor, you act like you're late for a racket ball game, or something. Mmm,
that's a nice dress. Now, it says here, you're gonna plead guilty to resisting and pay a fine.
Carol: Well...
Sidney: That's correct sir.
Carol: That's correct.
Judge: Aha. You swear.
Maggie: Hardly ever.
Carol: Your honour, there is something I'd like to say.
Judge: Call me Herman.
Carol: Just Herman.
Judge: Sure, why not? It's my first name. Who the hell are you, sport?
Mike: I'm...you know, her brother.
Judge: Oh, the parking ticket kid. I'll deal with you later.
Mike: Thank you, your holiness.
Carol: Look, judge...
Judge: Herman.
Carol: Herman, I don't think I did any thing wrong.
Jason: Carol.
Judge: Are you her defendant?
Jason: No.
Judge: You wanna be?
Jason: No, sir
Judge: Then, sit. Now, Carol, how do you wanna handle this thing?
Carol: Well, what are my choices?
Judge: Well, as Miss Kansas here's probably explained, you can plead guilty and pay a fine, or
you can go to court and maybe pay a bigger fine, or maybe get a jail term.
Carol: Well, could I plead guilty with an explanation?
Judge: What's the explanation?
Carol: That I'm not guilty.
Judge: Sorry, it doesn't work that way.
Carol: You see, I was just trying to explain my situation to that policeman, but he took it the
wrong way when the door hit him in the groin and arrested me.
Jason: Carol...your mother has something to say.
Judge: No, she doesn't.
Carol: And I know my parents and everybody else wants me to say I'm guilty, but how can I
when I know I'm not?
Judge: So, you want the state of New York to spend thousands of Dollars and hours of work,
and none of which it can afford so that you can plead not guilty.
Carol: Yes, sir, I do.
Judge: Well, that's how I find you. Case dismissed.
Jason, Sid and Maggie: What?
Judge: Oh, I think you probably did resist arrest, technically. But I think the republic will
survive; see I got a problem with people who plead guilty when they're not, just because
doing the right thing is too much of a hassle. Now, I know that our system of law around here
isn't perfect, but I like rewarding people who count its virtues instead of being afraid of its
flaws. And by the way, if you're still looking for something to major in, in the fall, you might
try bringing some of that hutzbah of yours into my line of work. Good dental plan.
Carol: Thanks your honour, thanks very much.
Mike: Way to go, Carol!
Judge: Oh, I almost forgot about that parking ticket thing.
Jason: Oh, errm...
Judge: Mr. Seaver, it says you had four hundred Dollars worth of tickets in your glove
compartment.
Mike: Ah, yes, your grace.
Judge: This is a VW rag top convertible isn't it?
Mike: Well yeah, but what does that...
Judge: It so happens that I've been looking for one of those for my no account grandkid. I'll
give you four hundred Dollars for it.
Mike: Four hundred Dollars, well it's worth at least...
Judge: We looked in the trunk, Mr. Seaver.
Mike: Sold. Happy motoring.
Judge: Good decision! Good decision! Now if you folks will excuse me, I got to get back into
the court room and send some bad guys to the cooler...just the guilty ones.
Maggie: Honey, I'm so proud of you.
Jason: Hey, you were really something.
Sidney: I did alright.
Mike: Hey, all those weeks of watching LA Law really paid off, huh?
Carol: Dad, I just couldn't.
Jason: Hey. Carol, it's me who owes you an apology. Thank God you had the good sense to
disobey me.
Carol: Pardon me?
Maggie: Carol, I think what your father's means is that sometimes it's just best to...ignore
him.
Jason: Something like that.
Carol: Thank you. Now I've got to get to the office.
Jason: Come on, we'll give you a lift.
Carol: Oh, on the way, can we stop at Columbia University?
Jason: Sure, why?
Carol: I wanna pick up a catalogue.
Maggie: Don't we have other catalogues?
Carol: Not the pre-law one.
Jason: Law? Carol, are you...
Carol: Dad, I'm just thinking. Now, it didn't occur to me till last night that something like this
could happen to me, and if it can it can happen to anybody.
Jason: Law school!
Maggie: Alright! Oh honey.
Jason: If Carol becomes a lawyer, we won't need Sid anymore.
Maggie: Honey, we don't need Sid anymore now.