Mike: cartoons! Ben, you are watching cartoons at your age?
Ben: What’s wrong with that?
Mike: What’s wrong Ben, is that with cable, we have got the all women’s wrestling channel. Oh
hey, the road runner! My favorite.
Maggie: Maybe you didn’t take your wallet with you.
Jason: Maggie, I know I had it with me. I could feel my bulge when I was talking to the
woman in cosmetics. I'm telling you. Somebody lifted my wallet.
Mike: You mean they cut the chain that you had hooked to it?
Jason: I did that once. One time water skiing and you won’t let me forget it.
TV One two three, one two three. Think how happy he will be. Ok girls, fifty more.
Carol: Fifty!
TV Since you whined, sixty.
Carol: No man is worth power squats.
Maggie: Carol, you haven’t seen your dads wallet, have you?
Carol: No. Did you frisk mike?
Maggie: That's a thought. Carol...
Carol: Yeah.
Maggie: No man is worth power squats.
Carol: Jumping jacks?
Maggie: Maybe.
Carol: And one and two and three and four and five and ahhhhhh! I'll get on a scale and prove
this wasn’t my fault.
Jason: Alright, well then how come in your TV commercials, the claims adjuster is there
writing a cheque before the dust even settles? What are you laughing at? Look pal, I’m
telling you my daughter just came crashing through the ceiling. She could have been hurt. No
she's not a large girl. Hello.
Maggie: Jason, don’t expect service when you buy insurance out of a machine.
Jason: I bought that policy from a guy in a van. He had business cards and everything.
Lloyd: Ok folks. I checked the whole house.
Maggie: Well what exactly did you find Mr. Cummings?
Lloyd: Call me Lloyd.
Jason: Ok Lloyd, well...
Lloyd: I told her to call me Lloyd, not you.
Jason: Ok, Mr. Cummings...
Lloyd: You can call me Barry
Jason: Barry, Larry, whoever the hell you are. Why have we got a whole in the ceiling?
Lloyd: Termites.
Carol: I told you it wasn’t me.
Jason: carol, please get away from the whole or the whole thing could come down.
Carol: Oh nice dad. Thanks.
Lloyd: If you need an exterminator, I have someone I can recommend.
Maggie: But, but this is you.
Lloyd: My god it is. How can I help you?
Jason: But I thought you were a handy man.
Lloyd: I've obviously never worked for you before.
Maggie: So how many termites?
Lloyd: Well I hope a lot, because if it's only one, we'd better all run for our lives. Ha ha ha.
Carol: just for the record, I am four pounds lighter than I should be for my height.
Maggie: Carol, no one thinks you are chunky.
Carol: Its right here in black and white.
Jason: I'll read it later.
Lloyd: I could have the place tented today, sprayed tomorrow and you could be back in here
by Monday.
Jason: What's all this going to cost me?
Lloyd: well, it’s hard to say. But it is the weekend.
Jason: Alright, thank you. We’ll call you.
Lloyd: Yeah. That's a wise choice. You just check on a cheaper price while the termites floss.
Ha ha ha.
Maggie: Jason, why don’t we just let him get started?
Jason: Maggie, I am a professional judge of human character, and I’m telling you, this guy
can’t be trusted. There is something about him that's crooked.
Maggie: Jason.
Lloyd: Excuse me. I found this wallet on the porch. Does it belong to you?
Maggie: Well what do you know? Jason, your wallet wasn’t stolen and not only that, your
credit cards are here, and all your money. You were saying sweetheart?
Jason: So, how soon, uh, could you, uh, start uh...?
Lloyd: Poncho.
Jason: Poncho.
Jason: carol, what could possibly be so essential and so heavy that you couldn’t live without it
for two days?
Ben: her pimple plaster.
Jason: Hello, I’m doctor Seaver. We called ahead for a reservation.
Receptionist: Oh yes, and you needed three additional cots with that room.
Maggie: Cots?
Jason: Well I don’t think its right for the kids to sleep on the floor.
Receptionist: Oh, you're a naughty man.
Jason: Pardon me?
Receptionist: You are trying to use a stolen credit card.
Jason: Oh no. See that.
Receptionist: You thought they were stolen so you reported them, then found them later and
forgot to call back.
Jason: that's it.
Receptionist: And women receive equal pay for equal work.
Jason: Wait wait, don’t do that. What are you doing there.
Receptionist: Cos that is how we treat scum buckets like you sir.
Jason: I want to talk to your manager.
Maggie: You can do that after you put the room on my card.
Jason: Maggie, don’t look at me like that. I had to call and cancel the cards. Some goofball
could be on a wild spending spree.
Maggie: Oh a card with a hundred dollar limit?
Jason: Two fifty.
Receptionist: uh oh!
Carol: Uh oh what?
Receptionist: When we lie down with pigs, we come up smelling like garbage.
Maggie: What?
Receptionist: Same account number.
Maggie: I am not a crook.
Receptionist: And where have we heard that before.
Jason: Ma'am listen. The credit cards were not stolen. This is all a mistake. My kids will vouch
for me.
Ben: I don’t know this man.
Maggie: Listen Miss uh, miss uh, Tania. Our house is being fumigated and we have to place to
stay. Can’t you just accept a personal check?
Receptionist: Oh certainly. With a valid credit card.
Maggie: Well my husband is a well known psychiatrist. Show her Jason.
Jason: Um, the session is over for today. That will be a hundred dollars.
Everyone: Ahhh!
Jason: Trust me. This is going to work out fine.
Maggie: Well I still think it’s wrong to barge in on your mum and Wally like this.
Jason: Honey, they have a huge apartment. Besides they are family. What’s my mum going to
say, "Sorry son, it’s a bad time"?
Urma: Sorry son, but it’s a bad time.
Jason: Mum, you always said I’d have a home under your roof.
Wally: Well maybe, but it’s our roof now.
Urma: It’s just with all these people now...
Maggie: Urma, you mean you are having a party and you didn’t invite us?
Wally: Oh, this is a different kind of party. Ha ha.
Urma: Yes it isn’t anyone you know.
Wally: It isn’t even anyone we know. Ha ha ha.
Jason: You're entertaining people you don’t know?
Urma: Don’t pay any attention to Wally. Yes we do know them.
Jason: How?
Urma: Through the news letter.
Jason: I knew, I knew as soon as you married that bum he’d drag you down to his level. Doing
god knows what with total strangers. Oh god!
Wally: What have you got against the Jerry Vale fan club?
Ben: Hey, it’s really him.
Urma: Wally, why don’t you see if Jerry needs anything.
Wally: You got it.
Carol: Grandma, where are we supposed to go until Monday? We have no credit cards, no
cash..
Urma: Oh, I feel really bad about this.
Jason: Look mum, if we can’t stay here, maybe you could help me out with a little...Would you
kids wait in the hall please, for a second.
Ben: Why?
Carol: Ben, don’t you have nay sensitivity? He doesn’t want us to hear him begging his
mummy for money.
Urma: Jason, id be very happy to lend you some money.
Maggie: Thank you Urma.
Urma: Just talk to Wally. He handles all of that stuff.
Jason: Just talk to Wally! Come on mum, cant you do it?
Maggie and Grandma: Oh Jason, grow up!
Jason: Uh hu! Hey Wal.
Wally: You still here?
Jason: Look, I’m sorry about the bum thing.
Wally: Well if I weren’t married to your mother, id have thrown you out of that window.
Jason: You are going to find the irony of this pretty amusing. Ha ha ha.
Wally: We'll see.
Jason: You know with the whole thing with the credit cards caput, you would really help me
out if you could, you know,? You know what I’m saying?
Wally: I'd be happy to introduce you to Jerry.
Wally: No, no, no. It is too. It is Jerry Vale. No, that's not it. This is, its finacial Wally. You
know? You follow?
Wally: Yeah. But I want you to say it.
Jason: Come on Wally, this isn’t easy for me.
Wally: Look Jason, if you want to borrow money, all you have to do is ask me.
Jason: Forget it.
Maggie: Jason, what did he say?
Jason: He said no.
Jerry: excuse me. I could help over hearing that you needed some money. That's tough pal.
Kate: Mike, this is a wonderful meal.
Mike: Oh thanks. You know it’s always risky when you are cooking cabaska. You know, I
handled the main course, and you were going to handle the dessert. Right?
Kate: Right.
Mike: You know Kate, all this kissing is great, but I really had my heart set on a moon pie.
(knock at the door)
Jason: Mike! Mike!
Mike: Um, look, if we are really quiet he'll go away.
Jason: You can be as quiet as you want. We're not going away. Mike!
Mike: Dad, I’ve got a guest.
Jason: Well now you've got six.
Mike: Come on. Come on. You guys are kidding, right? You're not going to stay here. You're
kidding right?
Jason: Mike, do my nostrils flare like this when I’m kidding?
Mike: But I thought you guys were going to a hotel.
Maggie: We did go to a hotel.
Ben: Yeah. They pulled a gun on us.
Mike: Dad, do you have any idea what you just walked in to?
Jason: Yes. A structure which I believe I own which I can double the rent on at a moments
notice.
Mike: Just wanted to make sure you remembered that.
Carol: So we're all supposed to sleep in this dump? This place isn’t fit for a pig. I know what
you are all thinking, and nobody say a word.
Jason: Well we are all sleeping here unless somebody can come up with two hundred dollars.
Mike: No problem. No problem. Uh, Kate, you got a hundred and ninety seven bucks?
Kate: Look, I've got some space in my dorm room, so if anybody wants to ...
Mike: Ok, ok, for the good of the family, I’ll go.
Kate: I wasn’t talking about you mike.
Ben: I'll be right with you Kate. As soon as I’m done with my sausage.
Kate: I was talking about Chrissy. If that's alright with you?
Maggie: Well let’s let Chrissy decide. Honey, you want to spend the night in Mike’s apartment,
or with Aunty Kate? Kate.
Mike: Look, I’ve got an idea, why doesn’t the whole family go over to Kate’s house, except
Kate?
Jason: No Mike.
Mike: Come on dad. Shouldn’t we let Kate make this decision.
Kate: No Mike.
Maggie: Ok Kate. Here's everything she needs for the night. And sweetheart, I will see you
tomorrow.
Mike: Ok, I got one more idea. I mean, how bad can this pesticide really be?
Kate: You are so cute when you are frustrated.
Mike: I must be stinking gorgeous right now. Well thank you everyone, a whole bunch.
Maggie: Well Mike, this isn’t a barrel of ms for me either.
Carol: Or me.
Ben: Or me.
Maggie: Jason, why couldn’t you have....
Jason: Maggie, I told you...
Everyone: (Arguing)
Mike: What?
Ben: I found a hair in this sausage.
Mike: It’s not a hair, it’s just a vein.
Jason: Stop it, stop it, stop stop stop it! Coe on. Ok, we've had a tough day. Yes, you fell
through the floor. You had your credit cards cut up. You ate a vein. Jerry Vale dumped on me.
Mike, and you, you had a chance. You were sitting here with a...with a chance to have a nice
conversation with a lovely lady. Are we going to let all this stuff get us down?
Everyone: Yes!
Jason: Well not this camper. No, I’m going to make the best of what we have., I'm going to
look at this glass as being half full and not half empty. I'm going to accentuate the positive
and not the negative. I'm going to take me these lemons, and I’m going to make lemonade.
Jason: Anyone else still awake?
Everyone: Yes.
Mike: How can I get to sleep? You guys got my bed.
Jason: Well I did it for your mother. She's getting on in years. Oh well. Com eon. As long as
everyone's awake, why don’t we talk?
Ben: You mean to each other?
Jason: Ben. Families have been known to talk to each other you know.
Ben: Yeah, on TV.
Jason: Albright. Alright. Let’s pretend we're on TV. Give it a try. Come on. Carol, go first.
Carol: Ok, what do you want me to say?
Jason: Whatever's important to you. Whatever you're feeling. Whatever weighs heaviest on
your mind.
Carol: Oh, here we go. Another ft joke. Why can’t anybody just accept the fact that I have lost
thirty three and a third pounds?
Jason: Ok, we won’t start with Carol. Ben.
Ben: Well I’ve got a good joke, if bodily fluids don’t offend you.
Jason: Ok, we won’t start with Ben. Mike.
Mike: I'm not saying anything until I get my bed back.
Jason: Ok, we won’t start with Mike. Maggie.
Maggie: I don’t appreciate that crack about me getting on in years.
Jason: Good idea. I'll start. You guys remember when the last time was we all spent the night
together in one room? Hu hu hu? Remember? it was ten years ago, and that was at your aunt
Rose's funeral. Now that was a fun time.
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: I don’t mean the funeral was fun Maggie. I mean the fact that we had to spend the
night in your Uncle Bobbies bomb shelter. Do you remember that? Remember what we did?
We played games. We sang songs. We invaded the emergency rations and we gorged
ourselves. You remember that?
Maggie: Yeah.
Jason: Your mum got all tanked up and set off uncle Bobbie’s flares.
Maggie: I did not.
Jason: I know you didn’t. I made that up just to make this more interesting.
Mike: Dad, is there a point to this?
Jason: Yes Mike. The point is we were a family then. You know, we didn’t want to spend the
night together, all crowded in one room underground. With no air and mikes feet. But the
point is we did it and we made the most of it. And it just occurred to me that maybe this is
the last time we'll spend the night together, alone, in one room.
Mike: So you mean you're getting a hotel room tomorrow? Great!
Carol: You mean it?
Jason: Maggie, Maggie, when did these kids change?
Maggie: (snoring)
Eddie: You Mikey, can you spare me a ten?
Maggie: What? Uh?
Eddie: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were sleeping with your mother. Ahhhh!
Hey Michael, what's happening?
Mike: Well you are pretty much looking at it Ed.
Maggie: Eddie, what are you doing here?
Eddie: Well actually Mike, I was wondering if you could lend me a ten.
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: At four in the morning?
Mike: Look, all I’ve got is a twenty.
Eddie: That will do.
Mike: Wait a minute. For me you had three, for him you've got twenty!
Mike: Well he pays me back.
Eddie: Thank you Michael. You know this is really neat. My family never sleep all together in
the same room. Wow, carol, you're developing quite nicely.
Ben: I can’t sleep on this floor. Things are crawling on me.
Maggie: I'm sorry honey, climb in.
Jason: Oh!
Carol: Wait a second. The snot ball gets a bed and I have to suffer on the floor! Forget it.
Mike: Hey! Wait a minute. Hold it! Time out! Who owns the bed? I'm the one who owns the
bed and you guys are going to sleep in it! I'm supposed to sleep on the floor? No way. Make
room.
Jason: Oh come on.
Carol: Ow! Hey mike, that's my foot.
Mike: Well I’m sorry.
Jason: Yes, well who's got their elbow in my back?
Maggie: Somebody needs to cut their toenails.
Jason: You can’t have this many people in this bed.
Mike: Dad, I’ve had twice as many people in this baby. Don’t worry, they were all guys. You
know what I mean.
Carol: Wait a minute. Did you wet the bed?
Ben: No. Hey, we're not wetting the bed, the bed is wetting us.
Mike: What the...
Everyone: Ahhh!
Jason: Come on.
Carol: I'd just like to point out that that it was mike who bought the water bed back. Not Slim
Svelte.
Jason: carol. Carol, shut up/
Maggie: Oh nice. The genius who cancels the credit cards, tells his daughter to shut up!
Jason: I did what I had to do. Staying here was a lot better than borrowing money from Wally.
Maggie: Oh don’t act so noble. He did nothing to you.
Jason: Oh yeah. Well it shows how much you know. I didn't even ask him.
Maggie: What?
Jason: Yeah, that's right. A man has his pride.
Maggie: You mean we weren’t forced to stay in this place? You chose it?
Jason: I chose it. But that was before I so stupidly thought that we might enjoy a little family
fun. ha ha ha.
Mike: Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to help me drink my bed?
Maggie: This is terrible.
Jason: Where the hell am I?
Maggie: Jason. What are you doing out here?
Jason: I don’t know. I got confused. I got lost. I thought I was heading for the steps.
Maggie: Didn’t this look like a pretty small door?
Jason: Maggie, I should warn you, if you're coming out here, we may have to....... (To be
continued)