Maggie: No. I was very clear with the funeral director. I wanted tape tins at my father's funeral
service, not a live organist playing selections from Fiddler on the Roof. No I want a refund and
I want it now. Hold on. This better be important.
Ben: Yeah it is. Where do you keep your bras and slips?
Maggie: Ben whatever kind of stupid stunt you are up to, I'm not in the mood.
Ben: Ok, how about your panties? Mum, this isn't like those other times. Trust me.
Maggie: Out! Look the bottom line is either you get a check in the mail today, or I'll have my
attorney call you and ...excuse me, can you hold on? I've got someone on the other line. Hello.
Oh hi mum. Look, I've got someone on the other line. Can I...Oh mum, I know its hard going
through dad's things, but can't you just put it off for a little while? Well that's very sweet,
but...Jason has all the white belts he needs. Can you hang on for a minute mum? Look, either
you get your act together, or I'll sue your pants off. Mum, oh.
Chrissy: If you could only have one pair of shoes, which pair would they be?
Maggie: Chrissy, cant you see I'm on the phone?
Chrissy: Uh hu. So which pair?
Maggie: Later Chrissy.
Chrissy: I suggest the flats. You are a tall woman.
Maggie: Chrissy go into the other room and don't bother me with your nonsense.
Chrissy: Boots. Definitely boots.
Maggie: Look mum...
Carol: So Chrissy, what pair?
Chrissy: I don't know, she bit my head off.
Mike: Here, let me give it a shot. She could never resist her first born. Oh mother!
Jason: Alright, here we go. Here's some cash for food and emergencies. Our flight
information....
Carol: Shhhh! Dad, if you keep talking, she'll find out about the trip. Ow.
Mike: Fine. Go barefoot for all I care. Dad, why did you marry her?
Jason: Hey, a little bit of understanding towards your mother right now. It's only been two
weeks since your grandpa Ed died.
Chrissy: I'm sad about Grandpa Ed too, but I don't go around yelling at everybody.
Jason: Come on. Your mum's got some very confused and very sad feelings inside her right
now. You know? And I know it's hard, but we have to show a little patience. Some simple
kindness towards each other. Ok?
Ben: Dad, I packed everything else you said, but she's going without her underwear.
Jason: Good work son.

Maggie: I am trying to reach Mr. Henderson in claims. Yes I would like to leave another
message. Would you please tell him that for forty two years my father never missed a
payment on that life insurance policy, even if it meant that I had to go without tap shoes? No,
I am not a dancer. And that is the reason why. The point being that my mother is waiting for
that money and the next call you get is going to be from my mother's attorney and I'm going
to...He hung up on me.
Jason: No. I hung up on you.
Maggie: You! Why did I marry you?
Jason: Maggie, if Mr. Henderson wants to hear the end of that message then he can simple
refer to yesterdays call. Or the day before.
Maggie: This one was going to be really good.
Jason: You know something Maggie? I think that you just need a little bit of a break.
Stab at it. What do you think?
Maggie: I'm in an airport, on an airplane in coach section.
Jason: You couldn't be more wrong.
Maggie: Jason.
Jason: Conductor, we have a sleeper. Oh!
Maggie: Jason, can I please take off this ridiculous blindfold?
Jason: Alright, alright. Ok. Ta daaa!
Maggie: Wow. We are on an airplane.
Jason: Yes. A getaway trip. Maggie believe me sweetheart, you need it.
Maggie: Honey, that's wonderful, but I can't go away right now.
Jason: Yes you can. Of course.
Maggie: Ok, who's going to look after the kids?
Jason: Mike and Carol.
Maggie: But I've got to....
Jason: Maggie please! All that stuff is still going to be there when we get back
from....somewhere.
Maggie: But what about my dad's insurance? And what about...Where are we going?
Jason: No. No. I am not going to tell you unless you come along.
Air Stewardess: Good morning. And welcome aboard flight twelve sixty five with non stop
service to...
Jason: Wo, wo, wo! Oh oh oh. Excuse me, I'm taking my wife on a very special trip, so could
we just not mention where we are going?
Air Stewardess: Oh, but this was going to be my first time to say where we were going.
Jason: Well, but if it's ok with everybody else, would it be ok with you?
Air Stewardess: I guess.
Jason: Ah, excuse me. I was saying that this is a very special trip for my wife and I. She's the
very attractive blonde up there in the foul mood. Maggie. Maggie Seaver, stand up. Don't hide.
Come on Maggie. There she is. That's Maggie.
Everyone: (applause)
Jason: And uh, because this is a very special trip, it would really mean a lot to us and to our
marriage, if we could just not mention the destination. Would that be alright?
Man: Will the pilot know?
Jason: Yes he will.
Man: Oh, ok.
Jason: And uh, thank you all. I really appreciate that and it means a whole lot for our
marriage of twenty two years.
Everyone: Ahhh!
Man 2: Excuse me. I want you to know that my wife and me have been married for twenty
two years also.
Jason: Oh, that's nice.
Man 2: Want to swap?
Maggie: Sit down.

Mike: Alright, this week is going to be a snap. I mean with all the money dad left us for
emergencies, I'm only twenty dollars short of a new car stereo.
Carol: Mike, what you don't realise is that this is a golden opportunity. A chance to take over
from mum and dad and finally do the job right.
Mike: Oh Carol, your way sounds like work.
Carol: I'll make it easy for you. There are two of us and two of them. I say we divide and
conquer. I of course will get the mature one.
Mike: Ok. Ok fine. I'll take Ben. He's easier to handle anyway. He understands the value of a
dollar.
Carol: Oh, some parent you would make. You pay him to behave.
Mike: No. He pays me not to smack him around.

Carol: And for you Chrissy, I've planned a healthy regiment of diet, exercise and stimulating
play. Chrissy!
Mike: Look Ben. You don't want any problems, neither do I. Ok, here's the deal: You give me
twenty dollars, you stay out of trouble and I leave you alone.
Ben: Thanks. Happy you didn't ask for fifty.
Mike: Hey, hey, hey hey. It's a weekday. Ten in the morning. What does that tell you?
Ben: Any Griffiths is on?
Mike: No Ben. School. Come on! And for you information, any Griffith sis ten thirty.
Ben: Mike, you are missing the big picture here. Mum and dad got so busy, they didn't even
notice that I didn't go. Pretty cool, hu?
Mike: Nice try Bennie. Come on. Go to school.
Ben: Maybe this would change your mind.
Mike: Nope. Come on Ben. If mum and dad find out that I let you skip school, they'll kill me.
Ben: But...
Mike: No buts. Go to school.
Ben: Yeah yeah.
Chrissy: If Carol asks, you didn't see me.
Mike: Ok.
Carol: Which way did she go?
Mike: Oh, are we having a little problem with our daughter?
Carol: Oh like things are going so smoothly with Ben!
Mike: They are. It's a piece of cake carol. Come on. Bennie and I have an understanding. We
reason together. He respects me.
Carol: I see. So that's why he's driving off in your car?
Mike: Hey!

Air Hostess: Here's your MaiTai and your Macadamia nuts. Now which of the Low Ho Island
dinners would you like to order?
Jason: We're not hungry.
Maggie: Honey, it's not her fault. She's paid to give us lays. Besides, I don't have Don Ho of a
clue where we are going.

Mike: Yes officer. It's a convertible with license plate number.....Forget it. It just walked in.
Ben: It just happened.
Mike: Oh, it happened. You just happened to unlock my car door, start the car and drive out
the drive way!
Ben: Well I was just going to drive it back and forth in the driveway, but I got lost.
Mike: Oh oh. Tell me Mr., how do you get lost in a driveway.
Ben: Well I didn't have a map and once you get on that turnpike, you've got to keep going.
Mike: You, you, you got in the turnpike?
Ben: Yeah. Until the policeman stopped me.
Mike: The policeman!
Ben: Yeah, you got a ticket.
Mike: What!
Ben: Well he couldn't give it to me. I don't have a license. I borrowed yours.
Mike: That's it. You are grounded Mr. You hear me? Go to your room.
Ben: You think you can make me? Ok, I'll go. But only because I was going to anyway. Oooh,
I'm grounded.
Chrissy: Mike, I need help. Carol's insane.
Mike: Yeah well no one can help.
Chrissy: Mike, she's teaching me Latin and I'm not too good with English yet.
Carol: Chrissy, Quo Vardis. Now now Chrissy. You know that free play isn't till three fifteen.
Mike: Come on Carol. Give the kid a break.
Carol: Chrissy, please translate the following: Omnis gallea est divisea impart est tres
omnibus..

Maggie: I got it this time. New York City.
Jason: Would you stop it.
Maggie: Oh honey, if it's any consolation, I don't know which island in Hawaii we are on.
Jason: I'm never surprising you again.
Maggie: I'm taking my mask off now.
Jason: Why, you already know where we are.
Maggie: We are going Kayaking?
Jason: No Maggie, we are going camping.
Maggie: Really!
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: We always talked about this. Two beach bums in paradise.
Jason: It's like we have the whole island to ourselves.
Maggie: Oh (Crying) Oh Jason.
Jason: Honey, what's wrong.
Maggie: Everything.

Jason: Honey.
Maggie: Ok, I'm fine. Let's go.
Jason: But uh, you were crying.
Maggie: I know. I'm sorry. I got carried away. Come on, let's have fun fun fun.
Jason: Sweetheart, it's alright to grieve.
Maggie: Yes doctor.
Jason: You know I remember when my dad died.
Maggie: Honey, I remember. I was there.
Jason: Maggie, you can't hide your feelings.
Maggie: Jason, do I look like an unhappy person?
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: Well I'm not.
Jason: I don't believe you.
Maggie: Jason, we have flown all the way to Hawaii. Can't we at least enjoy it?
Jason: Of course sweetheart. Look I want you to know if there is anything at all bothering you,
anything, please I want you to talk to me.
Maggie: Will you quit being so nice. I don't deserve it.
Jason: What do you mean you don't deserve it?
Maggie: Nothing, nothing. Just drive.
Jason: I'd be doing you a disservice if I let you duck the feelings you've been having about
your dad.
Maggie: I'm not feeling what I should be feeling. Ok?

Ben: We are supposed to eat this? It looks like something a dog coughed up.
Chrissy: I'm ordering pizza.
Mike: Hey look. I spent the last two hours boiling this garbage. Now nobody leaves until every
last liver burger is gone.
Ben: Ok.
Mike: Hey.
Ben: We want extra cheese and pepperoni on that pizza?
Mike: Alright pal you have gone too far this time. No more telephone for you until mum and
dad get home.
Ben: I don't have to put up with this. I'm taller than you.
Carol: Mike, he's testing you. You have to draw the line.
Chrissy: Or grow.
(Mike and Ben fight)
Chrissy: Yeah! Ben! Ben Ben!
Ben: Watch your elbows.
Mike: This is hurting me a lot more than it's hurting you. One day you are going to thank me
for this.
Ben: You sound just like mum.
Mike: Oh yeah. Well does mum do this? Yeah, how do you like that hu?
Ben: You can't pin me down all night long.
Mike: You are right. Carol, bring me a rope.

Jason: Honey, dinner is ready. Come on. Sit over here and take a load off.
Maggie: I'm sorry I got upset.
Jason: Na. It's me who should apologise, not you.
Maggie: What for?
Jason: For not bringing underwear. This wasn't like the other times. This was an honest
mistake.
Maggie: Well that's very sweet, but don't worry. I'm wearing yours. What is for dinner?
Jason: Marshmallows.
Maggie: That's it?
Jason: I'm sorry, I was a little distracted today. I didn't get to the market.
Maggie: Oh. I've ruined our whole vacation. Haven't I?
Jason: Na. I got lots of marshmallows.
Maggie: Remember what a terrible time we had the last time we went camping?
Jason: We had a great time.
Maggie: No no no. I'm talking about when Ben and Mike and Carol were babies and Mike had
diarrhea and it rained and everything got all wet.
Jason: I'm talking about the same trip.
Maggie: Well what was so nice about that?
Jason: We were together Maggie. And it was so sweet watching you with Mike. Rocking him in
your arms until he fell asleep. Which he never did.
Maggie: I'd forgotten all about that. Wasn't it just last week?
Jason: No. That was me you rocked last week.
Maggie: I'd be lucky to get a minute with him nowadays.
Jason: They grow up in a hurry, don't they?
Maggie: You know how we sound like? We sound like our parents talking.
Jason: Well the eon enjoy that I get in all this is that one day, Mike and Carol and Ben and
Chrissy are all going to be sitting around a campfire like this, suddenly dumbstruck at the very
thought that they are sounding like old irrelevant us. Ha ha ha. You ok?
Maggie: I want to tell you what I meant today when I said I wasn't feeling the right feelings.
Jason: Uh hu. Ok.
Maggie: You now the day of his funeral? When I saw daddy there in that coffin, I thought, I
thought what a shame.
Jason: Of course sweetheart. He's your father.
Maggie: No that's not what I mean. I thought...
Jason: What?
Maggie: Well I thought about all the work and the care he's put into raising me and in the end
I...
Jason: What honey?
Maggie: It's a horrible thought.
Jason: Well just say it.
Maggie: I didn't need him anymore. I mean sure I loved him and I miss him terribly but
honestly. How much a part of my life was he? I mean, I never listened to his advice. His
opinions were always nutty. Sometimes it was just easier to ignore him. I mean god help me, I
loved it when he sat at the kids table on thanksgiving.
Jason: Honey, that's no reason to feel guilty. That's just the way things work. Like we were
saying about mike when he was a little baby. How he needed every word you had to say. Now
we've created someone who doesn't listen to anything we say. We've done our job well.
Maggie: Oh Jason. Don't you see? One day it's going to be our turn. I mean some day we'll die
and one of our kids will be sitting here telling someone about how you and I weren't important
to their lives either. I mean after all the work we've put in. After all the bottles and the dirty
diapers and the birthdays and the vacations. I mean, they won't mean a thing. What's the
point?
Jason: If that's what's bothering you, then it's not just your dad.
Maggie: If that sweet caring man ended up with someone like me, what do I have to hope for?
Jason: Aren't you being just a little pessimistic?
Maggie: Am I?
Jason: I mean it Maggie. Come on. You influence your kids in a thousand ways. Mike's charm
and Carol's brains and Chrissie's cuteness and Ben's....height.
Maggie: This doesn't bother you at all. Does it?
Jason: No. No.
Maggie: Jason, that really ticks me off.
Jason: Have you ever noticed the way I toast a marshmallow?
Maggie: Yeah and that really ticks me off too.
Jason: I do it, Maggie, perfect. All nice and even and brown on all sides. You know who else
toasts his marshmallows that way?
Maggie: No.
Jason: My dad. I noticed that just a couple of years ago. And that one small connection
Maggie, made me see that my dad influenced me in countless ways. Ways I cant even imagine.
Just like your dad influenced you and just like we will influence our kids.
Maggie: You know what my dad would say if he heard you talking like this?
Jason: No. But I'm sure you do.
Maggie: I wish I could be sure.

Mike: Freeze Ben!
Carol: You slept down here?
Mike: Sleep! Who slept? I've been standing guard so the little weasel wouldn't sneak out.
Where's Chrissy?
Carol: Safe. She's locked in her room.
Mike: Good. You locked her up too?
Carol: No. She locked herself in.
Mike: Well I'm just sorry I've got to let Bennie out for school.
Carol: Well I hope you nailed his window shut so he didn't climb down the trellis.
Mike: Oh!
Taxi driver: Let's go. Meters running.
Carol: We didn't order a cab.
Taxi Driver: Chrissy Seaver. Drop off at Parkway preschool.
Chrissy: That's right. Let's go.
Carol: You called a cab? Why in the world did you do that? I drive you to preschool. A cab
driver is not going to sing you songs and he's not going to tell you personal victory stories.
Chrissy: I know. I checked. Let's go!
Ben: Hi mum. I'm home.
Carol: Look, I am really sorry, but this has been a mistake. She is only four years old.
Mike: Alright. I'm going to kill him. You!
Taxi Driver: You kids married too young!
Ben: You got another ticket Mike.
Mike: What?
Ben: Yeah. You are lucky the driver of the car you hit didn't press charges.
Mike: Alright, you are going to pay a lot more than money pal.
Ben: What are you doing? Ow.
Mike: I'm coming for you. You have had it.
Chrissy: No!
All kids: (Screaming and fighting)

Jason: Hey. Hey!
Mike: Welcome home.
Jason: Let him go.
Chrissy: Mummy! Am I glad to see you?
Carol: Mum, I am so glad you are home early.
Maggie: Well paradise wasn't all it's cracked up to be.
Jason: Anybody want to help me with the bags?
Chrissy: Carol tried to maul me. And Mike tried to give us liver poisoning.
Carol: Mum, I don't know who you put up with her. Especially after you did such a good job
with me.
Ben: Rope burns mum. Rope burns. Need I say more? And then he even told me that this was
hurting him more than it was hurting me and some day I'd thank him for it.
Maggie: That's what I say.
Ben: Yeah. He's gone nuts.
Maggie: Mike, did you say that?
Mike: Look, I opened my mouth and it came out.
Maggie: It just came out?
Mike: Yeah. Well you put it there.
Maggie: Yeah.
Ben: More bad news mum. Mike even tried to charge me money to behave. Yeah. I was
shocked too.
Maggie: I don't care.
Chrissy: And worse than that, Carol's victory stories have made me want to give up
completely.
Maggie: Oh that's wonderful.
Carol: Mum, I don't know how you put up with any of them. I mean one day they are going to
realise how great you are and what festering scum they are.
Maggie: Oh Carol. Sometimes you say the sweetest things.