Mike: Stop there, we're gonna crash!
Kate: Wait, wait, just don't move.
Mike: OK, alright, thank you.
Kate: You know, Mike, I had great time tonight.
Mike: Oh, I did too, Kate.
Kate: And I had a great time last night.
Mike: Oh, me too, Kate.
Kate: You know, maybe we should start dating again.
Mike: Kate, I don't know when we'd have the time. I spend every night with you.
Kate: I know, that's what I mean. Maybe we should be dating dating.
Mike: Oh, I get it, I get it. You want me to come to the door instead of honking.
Kate: No. Well, yes actually. But it would be nice if we were officially seeing each other, and I
know that the idea of commitment frightens you...
Mike: Wow...smell that? Something's burning.
Kate: Why do you always run when I bring up the subject of dating?
Mike: Kate, look, I don't....Aarrghh!
Kate: Arrgghh!
Mike: Look out! Oh.
Eddy: You guys scared the heck out of me.
Mike: Oh, come on Eddy, this is my apartment.
Eddy: Alright, apology accepted.
Mike: Come on, Eddy, come on, get out!
Eddy: No, no, Mike, I got something real important to tell you.
Kate: Eddy, Mike and I are talking about something important too.
Mike: Yeah, Eddy, we were talking about... Eddy, how you doing? Long time no see.
Eddy: No, no! I can't hold this in any longer! Michael, Kate, I'm getting married. Yeah, I was
struck dumb with joy at first too.

Kate: Eddy!
Mike: What are you talking about? You getting married, yeah right!
Eddy: Hey, I'm serious, Mike. Now, I know in the past I may have been a little foot loose...I
suppose you could even say...what's the word?
Mike: Sleazy.
Eddy: Yeah. But I'm a changed man. And if it weren't for you and Kate, I never would have
met my beloved Tina.
Mike: W...wait a minute. Tina! Not Tina the hat check girl.
Eddy: She does so many things. Now you guys were there for the start of our romance and
we'd like you there for the end. You're my best friend, Michael, will you give me away?
Mike: Eddy, I can't believe this, you're actually getting married! Hey, look, look, before you do
anything just go downstairs and spend ten minutes with my parents.
Kate: Mike! Come on, this is wonderful news. It's not something to joke about. Marriage is a
very beautiful and serious thing, right Eddie?
Tina: Yoo hoo, Eddie! Wait till you see my trousseaux.
Eddy: It doesn't get any more serious than this.

Ben: And now, for the tip off... Yeah! Seaver scores again! I gotta get me some friends.
Eddy: Get out of the way, squid lips!
Ben: What a cool machine.
Eddy: Yeah, well while I'm upstairs talking to Mike, feel free to sniff the upholstery. Ya!!! What
are you doing sleeping? Come on, we got a wedding to go to.
Mike: Ah! Wedding! Come on, it's morning.
Eddy: Yeah, but we have to get to Vegas.
Mike: Vegas! As in, Las Vegas!
Eddy: Well, that's where the wedding is.
Mike: Oh, come on, Eddy, you didn't tell me that last night.
Eddy: Well as my best man, you're supposed to know these things. Come on. Listen, we'll fly
to Vegas, have the wedding, see naughty girls on ice, we should be back by Monday.
Mike: Oh, come on, man, this is crazy.
Eddy: No, no, wait till you see 'em skate. OK, here's the tickets. Here's the rings...errrm...is
there anything I'm forgetting?
Mike: Blood tests.
Eddy: Na! I don't need 'em. I could marry a chimpanzee and no-one would care; that's the
beauty of Vegas.
Mike: OK.
Ben: Hey Eddy, these seats taste better than they smell!
Eddy: Ben, quit slobbering in my car! One more thing, Mike; I'd appreciate it if you'd keep this
whole marriage thing a secret.
Mike: Why?
Eddy: My parents aren't too happy about it. I told them, Tina and I were engaged, my Mom
flung herself out of the window.

Chrissy: Ben said he'll have the limo back in ten minutes. He wants Laura-Lynn to sniff the
upholstery too.
Eddy: Ben! Ben!
Chrissy: If you want me to clean this dump, then I want my two Bucks in advance.
Mike: Oh, hey, you trust me don't you kiddo?
Chrissy: What am I, Ben?
Mike: OK. Alright, OK. Two Dollars.
Chrissy: Where are you going?
Mike: Ah...I'm going to...err...I'm going on a little trip with Eddie.
Chrissy: Whose rings are these?
Mike: Ah...those are mine.
Chrissy: What are you doing with wedding rings? You're not married, are you?
Mike: Ah look, on second thoughts I really don't need your help, OK? Alright, move it out.
Let's go. (on the phone) Hello. Yeah, Kate start packing your bags. This wedding is in Vegas.

Maggie: Where's Mike? You know I called up the garage about ten minutes ago. Have you seen
him, Jason?
Jason: No.
Chrissy: He said he was going on a trip with Eddie. But he didn't go with Eddie, he went with
Kate.
Jason: He's out with Kate, on a date!
Chrissy: He took a whole lot of underwear.
Ben: Mike went on a trip with Eddie.
Chrissy: He went on a trip with Kate.
Ben: Eddie!
Chrissy: Kate!! Who are you gonna believe; your daughter who's reading at second grade level,
or shallow head here?
Ben: That's what you know. I say Eddie pick Mike up in a limo to take him to Vegas to get
married.
Jason: What?
Maggie: What?
Ben: Why would Mike marry Eddie?
Jason: Wow, wait a minute, let's... Don't panic, this might be another one of Ben's bone-head
mistakes.
Maggie: In a limo, Jason, with lots of underwear.
Chrissy: And wedding rings.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, what are we gonna do?
Carol: I'd just like to point out that there's no need to think that Mike's making a mistake just
because your marriage's turned out the way it has.
Jason: You know Maggie, she's right.

Mike: Excuse me everybody, can I have your attention please! My good friends, Eddie and Tina
here are getting married, when we get to Las Vegas, so I hope you'll join me in wishing them
the best of luck. OK? The drinks are on me.
Passengers: Woo!!
Tina: And I want you all to meet...heck I want the world to meet, my maid of honour! It's Julie,
isn't it?
Kate: No, it's Kate.
Tina: OK, and the best man, my Mikey, who I was going out with when I met my honey man,
who was going out with my maid of honour behind my back, before I had a back, before she
changed her name to Julie.
Passenger: What? What are you talking about?
Eddy: Excuse me sweetheart.
Mike: Hey! Hey, where are you going?
Eddy: Oh, to give these poor over-worked young ladies a hand.
Mike: Oh, hey, I just wanted to say, I'm sorry I can't throw you a bachelors party.
Eddy: Man, that's OK; you can do it after I'm married.
Mike: No, really, it's the least I could do buying all these drinks for everybody. I mean, hey,
how many times is my bro gonna get married?
Eddy: Who knows?
Mike: Ah...come on Eddie, what do you mean? You love Tina, right?
Eddy: Ah...what's not to love?
Mike: Yeah, so...so you guys really get along!
Eddy: Oh, she expects nothing from me, Mike, and I can deliver.
Mike: That's good, Eddy.
Eddy: You know, I'll tell you something; I didn't really plan on settling down till...well never
actually. But hey, what the heck, marriage'll be a hoot.
Mike: A hoot!
Eddy: Yeah. I have never ever met a woman like Tina before...except maybe Gloria. I have to
call Gloria!
Mike: Wow wow, Eddie, Eddie, who's Gloria?
Eddy: This girl I was supposed to go out with tonight, until this whole wedding thing came up.
Mike: Eddy! Eddy, come on, man! You are getting married.
Eddy: Well, not till tomorrow.
Passenger: It's because I'm married, isn't it? See my wedding ring...gone.

Mike: Ah, Kate...Kate, look, I need to talk to you.
Passenger: What about?
Mike: In private.
Passenger: Oh.
Mike: No, come on.
Passenger: Thanks for the drinks, Mike...Julie.
Mike: Look, look, Kate...
Kate: In the bathroom! What is going on?
Mike: I've been thinking, this whole marriage business...I don't know, it's just it's really made me
think. And how do you know when you're ready to be married?
Kate: Mike, are you...is this? Are you proposing?
Mike: Oh, no, no, no. I'm talking about Eddy! See, I think that he's really making a big
mistake with this wedding.
Kate: Oh!
Mike: Yes. He's saying all these ridiculous things about marriage. I mean, he thinks it's gonna
be a hoot.
Kate: Oh, that's just like you; to think that marriage is the end of everything good, instead of
the beginning.
Mike: Kate, come on, can we stick to the subject please?
Kate: If Eddy's making a mistake, at least he's ready to make a mistake instead of being
afraid to commit to a relationship.
Mike: Afraid! Afraid! You calling me afraid! Well...fa! Well, fa! Kate...
Old lady: I met my first husband that way...on a bi-plane.

Tina: Oh, I took your last nuts, shnukums.
Eddy: Well, well, I'll get more cuddle cakes.
Mike: Ah, look, I'm gonna go help Eddy get some nuts.
Tina: Just think, in a few hours all this will be Eddy's.
Kate: Tina, what made you decide to marry Eddy?
Tina: He asked me.
Kate: That's it!
Tina: Don't be silly. I had other reasons; serious reasons, like his hair.
Kate: You're marrying Eddy because you like his hair!
Tina: I'm marrying Eddy because he has hair. See most of the guys I've dated have been old
and over-weight and bald.
Kate: Why?
Tina: From life expectancy charts, it seemed like the way to go. Eddy's really the first guy who
doesn't wear a tupee. At least I don't think it's a tupee.
Kate: No, me neither.

Tina: Just think, soon I'll be Mrs. Edward... Mrs. Edward...
Kate: Zeff.
Tina: Is that his last name?
Kate: Tina, I get the feeling you don't know Eddy all that well.
Tina: I don't wanna spoil the fun.
Kate: Marriage is a serious step.
Tina: Oh, I know it is. Mom always told me to look for Mr. Right, she said when you find him
you get this feeling in your stomach and you know. That's how it happened when she met my
dad.
Kate: Oh, that's sweet; your dad was Mr. Right!
Tina: No, it turned out she had a bug or something...by that time she'd already married him,
and her life was hell.
Kate: Boy, a story like that really makes you think. I mean, you don't wanna make a big
mistake.
Tina: See, I don't know how you get that out of it.
Kate: Well what else could it mean?
Tina: Well why wait around for a feeling in your stomach, when it could turn out to be gas.

Mike: Hey, I wanted to ask you. Have you really thought about what marriage is gonna be
like?
Eddy: Oh, I can't stop thinking about it.
Mike: You don't have any doubts?
Eddy: You think I should have doubts? You think there's a chance I might not be doing the
right thing.
Mike: Hey, well...
(Kate in Mike's head) oh, it's just like you to think that marriage is the end of everything good,
instead of the beginning...Hey, look Ed, if you're happy then I'm happy. I'm behind you a thousand per cent.
Eddy: Oh, thanks man, that means a lot to me.
Kate: Mike, can I talk to you?
Mike: Ah, Kate, Kate, yeah, yeah, I was just telling... Hey, Kate I just wanted to tell you, I
think you were absolutely right. You should have seen the look on Eddy's face when I told him
this marriage was a good idea.
Kate: Why on earth would you do that?
Mike: Well, because you told me to.
Kate: Oh, out of all the times I've told you things, you pick this one to start listening!

Maggie: Yes, hello, Cubert's Cathedral. Yes, I am trying to find a couple that is about to make
a tragic mistake... What do you mean, take my pick? Well... Hello! Hello! Oh, Jason, it's no use.
There must be fifty chapels in Las Vegas.
Jason: Hey, Maggie, the Gold diggers are headlining at Surfer's Circus.
Maggie: Jason, please try and stay focused here.
Jason: Honey, I'm just trying to find something to be happy about. This is pointless. What if
we do find Mike, what are we gonna do, ground him? Send him to his suite without room
service?
Maggie: I am not giving up. I am not forgetting why I'm here.
Jason: OK. Alright. I'll take the chapels from Adam's Rib to Marriages Awry, and you take
Naughty but Nice to Zing Zing Zing with my heart.
Maggie: OK.

Tina: One of The Monkees was married here!
Kate: Oh, this is quite a place.
Eddy: We're here to get married.
Owner: We don't do groups.
Mike: No, no, no, sir, we're not getting married. Just they are.
Owner: That's nine ninety five for the, "We've only just begun" chapel, or nineteen ninety five
for the, "you're having my baby" chapel.
Eddy: Well, what's the difference.
Owner: Ten Dollars. Come on, I'll show you.
Mike: Kate, Kate, we can not let them go through with this.
Kate: What are we supposed to do?
Mike: Well, I think it's time to be a man, and to go in there and tell 'em that this is a big
mistake. Alright, well go ahead, tell them.
Kate: Mike, it should come from a friend. You tell Eddy.
Mike: OK. Alright. I think this wedding is the biggest mistake of your lives! Wrong chapel.

Officiator: Hi, I'm Miriam, I'm officiating at your wedding. Are you kids ready?
Eddy: Oh, yeah.
Tina: Wait, I'm not sure...
Mike: Oh, yes.
Tina: OK, I'm sure.
Eddy: You being here means a lot to me bro.
Officiator: Alright, the bride and the groom stand here. The best man, and the maid of honour
at their sides. Gilbert!! Dearly beloved, we have come here today to join this man, Edward
Cornelius Zeff and this woman, Tina Louise, in holy matrimony. In the presence of these
witnesses...
Mike: (in his head) This is his decision. It's his life! And who am I to tell him what to do? Like
my relationship's working out so hot.
Eddy: ( in his head) You're my best friend, Mike. Will you give me away?
Kate: (in his head) Someone should tell him the truth.
Mike: (in his head) You think I should have doubts, you think I'm not doing the right thing?
Kate: (in his head) It should come from a friend, Mike. You tell Eddy.
Eddy: ( in his head) You being here means a lot to me, bro.
Officiator: If anybody knows why these two should not be wed, speak now...
Mike: Now! I mean, no! Look, you guys, you can't do this. This is not right. I mean, I don't
know...I just know that marriage is not something you're supposed to fool around with. I
mean, it's more important than that. Marriage is even more important than love, because it's
about two people spending the rest of their lives together. It's like two people becoming one
new person, and I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't say something. I dunno, maybe you think I'm
not a friend because I did.
Eddy: Wanna call it off?
Tina: Sure, what the heck.
Eddy: Well, that's settled. Anyone wanna see, Bottoms Up 921?
Tina: I do! I do! I came here to say that, and I said it!
Eddy: Hey, you guys gonna come along? OK, we'll catch up with you later.
Officiator: That's why we take the money first.
Kate: Wow, that was quite a speech you made.
Mike: Oh, man, it was me, wasn't it?
Kate: Where did all that come from?
Mike: Ah...I don't know. I don't know. I just opened my mouth and out it came. I would have
stopped myself but I wanted to see how it finished.
Kate: But you did believe what you said...Mike?
Mike: Yeah, I was just gonna see if I believed it.
Kate: I thought it was beautiful. You really surprised me.
Mike: Yeah, me too.
Kate: So, what other surprises have you got for me?

Maggie: Oh, Jason, I have a good feeling about this place.
Jason: Wow, one of The Monkees was married here.
Maggie: My God, we're too late!
Mike: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here?
Jason: Maggie, be big about this.
Maggie: Welcome to our family. I knew I could get to like you eventually.
Kate: No, no, no. Mike and I aren't married.
Tina: Mike, do you still have our rings?
Jason: Welcome to our family.
Mike: No, no, no, no, guys, I'm not married to her either.
Tina: Eddy and I need to porn our rings to go to this show.
Mike: Oh, right.
Maggie: Mike, what's happening here? Aren't you married to anyone?
Mike: No, no, Mom. I came here as Eddy's best man, but they just called the wedding off.
Maggie: I am so relieved, oh... Oh, not that marrying you would be the worst thing Mike's
ever done. Oh, no, I mean there is a chance that you're a fine young lady.
Jason: Oh, I got a great idea; why don't we all just leave before we say something stupid?
Maggie: Alright.
Mike: Ah...Kate, what do you say we start dating again?
Kate: Well, I don't know when we'd have the time, we're seeing each other almost every
night.
Mike: Oh, I knew it. I knew you'd say that...
Officiator: They'll be back.