2023年经济学人 咖啡会议的祸害（在线收听）

咖啡会议的祸害

商业版块

Bartleby

巴托比专栏

Caffeine with Cassie

和凯西喝咖啡

Time to get shot of the scourge of the coffee meeting.

是时候甩掉咖啡会议这个祸害了。

If people used the time they currently devote to reading books about productivity hacks to do some actual work, their productivity problem would be solved.

人们会阅读教你快速提高效率的书籍，如果他们把花在这上面的时间用来做一些实际工作，那么他们的效率问题就迎刃而解了。

But occasionally these books contain nuggets of wisdom.

不过，这些书中偶尔也有一些至理名言。

In “Time Wise”, Amantha Imber has a short chapter whose title alone gleams with good sense.

在阿曼莎·英伯的《时间智慧》一书中，有一个短小章节，其标题就闪耀着智慧的光芒。

It is called “Why you need to say ‘no’ to coffee meetings”.

标题就是“为什么你需要对咖啡会议说‘不’”。

That is splendid advice for anyone who can identify with the following situation.

对于任何能对下述情景感同身受的人而言，这都是一条极好的建议。

An email arrives from someone you do not know, asking to meet for coffee.

你不认识的人发来一封电子邮件，请你见面喝杯咖啡。

Such requests arrive fairly often.

这样的请求相当频繁地出现。

It might be someone starting out on their career who wants guidance on how to progress in your field.

可能是那些职业生涯刚起步的人，想请教你怎样在你所在的领域取得进步。

It might be a freelancer hunting for work.

可能是自由职业者在寻找工作。

In this instance the sender, who is called Cassie and got your name from a colleague whom you vaguely know, thinks there may be a way for your two companies to work together.

这一次，发送邮件的人名叫凯西，她从你不太熟的一位同事那里得知了你的名字，认为你们两家公司可能有合作机会。

You don’t really want to meet Cassie.

你并不真的想见见凯西。

On the other hand, saying that you don’t want to meet someone, ever, feels a little rude.

但另一方面，直说你根本不想见某个人感觉很不礼貌。

The meeting is weeks away, and the diary looks clear.

距离见面时间还有几周，日程表也还有空档。

You do drink coffee.

你也确实喝咖啡。

She might be a useful contact if you want to move jobs.

如果你想跳槽，她可能在连线搭桥方面会有用处。

And you have heard of her company: it is just possible something useful might come of a discussion.

你也听说过她的公司：和她聊一聊可能会给你某些有用的东西。

You ignore instinct and say “yes”.

你无视自己的直觉，回答“好的”。

The morning of the meeting arrives and you see “Coffee with Cassie” in your calendar.

约定见面的那天到了，早上你看到日历上写着“和凯西喝咖啡”。

Who the hell is Cassie?

见鬼，凯西是谁？

You find the email chain, curse yourself for agreeing to meet and wonder briefly about cancelling.

你找到了电子邮件，然后骂自己竟然同意见面，取消见面的想法迅速闪过。

Just then an email arrives from Cassie saying how much she is looking forward to coffee.

就在这时，凯西发来一封电子邮件，说她多么期待和你喝咖啡。

Bollocks.

胡扯。

You confirm the time and place, but say you only have time for half an hour.

你确认了时间和地点，但又说你只有半个小时的时间。

You arrive at the coffee shop, and remember you have no idea what Cassie looks like.

你来到咖啡店，才想起来你根本不知道凯西长什么样子。

You introduce yourself to several other people, who are plainly all waiting for similarly aimless meetings,

你向其他几个人介绍了自己，他们显然都在等待进行类似的漫无目的的会议，

until you receive an apologetic text from Cassie to say that she is running late and will be there in five minutes.

直到你收到凯西充满歉意的短信，说她迟到了，五分钟后就到。

The one thing you are determined to get out of this coffee meeting is a coffee, so you order for yourself and find a table.

在这次咖啡会议中，你下定决心要实现的唯一一件事就是喝咖啡，所以你给自己点了杯咖啡，然后找了张桌子坐下。

In a victory of hope over experience you have brought a notepad: you write the date and Cassie’s name and company at the top.

怀着不切实际的希望，你带来了记事本：你在页眉处写下日期、凯西的名字和公司的名字。

You text Cassie to say that you are sitting by the man in the pink sweater, who leaves almost immediately.

你给凯西发短信说，你坐在穿粉色毛衣的男人旁边，但刚发完那个男人就走了。

Ten minutes later you see someone who is scanning the room at sweater height.

十分钟后，你看到一个人的眼睛正扫视着室内人们的毛衣。

You mouth each other’s names like guppies in an aquarium.

你们就像鱼缸里的孔雀鱼一样，嘴巴一张一闭，默念着对方的名字。

It’s Cassie.

是凯西来了。

She goes to get her own coffee, which takes another five minutes.

她去给自己点咖啡，又花了五分钟。

The coffee meeting is halfway done and there has yet to be a meeting.

咖啡会议已经过去了一半，但还没开始开会。

Cassie sits down.

凯西坐了下来。

Ritual demands an exchange of platitudes.

按社交礼节的要求，你们又寒暄了一番。

You swap information that will be of no use to anyone ever:

你们交换了对任何人都没有用处的信息：

how late in the day you can drink coffee before it disrupts your sleep, how many days a week you now spend in the office, how she knows your colleague.

一天中你最晚什么时候可以喝咖啡，不然就会影响睡眠；你现在每周有几天会来办公室；她是怎么认识你同事的。

Then you confirm things that were already known to both of you (what roles you are in) and add unnecessary detail (how long you have been in your job).

然后，你们又确认了一些彼此都已经知道的事情(你是什么职务)，并添加了不必要的细节(你干这份工作有多长时间了)。

There is now about ten minutes left on the clock.

现在大约还剩十分钟的时间。

You prompt Cassie to say a bit more about those opportunities she raised back when this seemed like a good idea.

你提示凯西多聊聊她之前提出的那些合作机会，那时候这个咖啡会议看起来还是个好主意。

She says something about a data set that you might be interested in.

她聊起了一个数据集，说你可能会感兴趣。

You say something about analytics, just because it makes you seem mildly innovative.

你聊了一些数据分析的东西，只是因为这会让你看起来稍微有点创新性。

She volleys back a reference to AI.

她忽然又提到了人工智能。

You suspect that neither of you really knows what is going on.

你怀疑你们两个都不知道这会是在开什么。

You are aware that the notepad in front of you is still damningly blank,

你发现面前的记事本上仍然是一片惨白，

so you write down “data analytics” and “AI” just to signal that this could be leading somewhere.

于是你写下“数据分析”和“人工智能”，只是为了表明这或许能带来什么结果。

Your coffee is drained and the 30 minutes have passed.

你的咖啡喝完了，30分钟已经过去了。

You say you have to go.

你说你得走了。

While you wait—and wait—to pay, you share a bit more useless information for good measure: where you are both going next, how long Cassie is in town for.

在你等着结账的时候，你们又分享了一些无用的信息：你们两人接下来要去哪里，凯西要在城里待多久。

You can almost feel your neurons deciding that there are no memories here that are worth forming.

你几乎可以感觉到你的神经元在说，这里没有值得形成的记忆。

You both agree that it has been really good to meet, even though it hasn’t, and that you will be in touch, even though you won’t.

你俩都说这次见面很愉快，其实并不是，而且你们会保持联系，其实并不会。

Not every meeting request is a dud.

并不是每个会议请求都是浪费时间。

Giving advice to youngsters, say, is usually the right thing to do (though the types of youngsters who ask for advice are not usually the ones who need help).

比如，给年轻人提建议通常是应该做的(尽管寻求建议的年轻人通常不是需要帮助的人)。

The problem is the coffee.

问题出在咖啡上。

Ms Imber’s recommendation is to forgo the caffeine and schedule a call during a period of dead time such as a commute.

英伯的建议是放弃喝咖啡，在没办法做其他事情的时候安排一通电话，比如通勤的时候。

The time may be used fruitfully; if it is not, it will not feel as wasted.

这样时间可能会被有效利用，如果没有什么成果，也不会觉得时间被浪费了。

In the matter of coffee and meetings, the blend is the problem.

至于咖啡和会议，把二者搅在一起就是问题所在。