1-27（在线收听）

27.

The first time I killed anything, Tiggy said: Well done, darling!

She dipped her long, slender fingers into the rabbit’s body, under the flap of smashed fur,scooped out a dollop of blood and smeared it tenderly across my forehead, down my cheeks andnose. Now, she said, in her throaty voice, you are blooded.

Blooding—a tradition from the ages. A show of respect for the slain, an act of communion bythe slayer. Also, a way to mark the crossing from boyhood into…not manhood. No, not that. Butsomething close.

And so, notwithstanding my hairless torso and chirpy voice, I considered myself, post-blooding, to be a full-fledged stalker. But around my fifteenth birthday I was informed that I’d beundertaking the true stalker initiation.

Red deer.

It happened at Balmoral. Early morning, fog on the hills, mist in the hollows. My guide,Sandy, was a thousand years old. He looked as if he’d stalked mastodons. Proper old-school, thatwas how Willy and I described him and other such gents. Sandy talked old-school, smelt old-school, and definitely dressed old- school. Faded camo jacket over ragged green sweaters,Balmoral tweed plus fours, socks covered with burrs, Gore-Tex walking boots. On his head was aclassic tweed flat cap, thrice my age, browned by eons of sweat.

I crept beside him through the heather, through the bog, all morning long. My stag appearedahead. Inching closer, ever closer, we finally stopped and watched the stag munch some dry grass.

Sandy made sure we were still downwind.

Now he pointed at me, pointed at my rifle. Time.

He rolled away, giving me space.

He raised his binoculars. I could hear his rattly breath as I took slow aim, squeezed the trigger.

One sharp, thunderous crack. Then, silence.

We stood, walked forward. When we reached the stag I was relieved. Its eyes were alreadycloudy. The worry was always that you’d merely cause a flesh wound and send the poor animaldashing into the woods to suffer alone for hours. As its eyes turned more and more opaque, Sandyknelt before it, took out his gleaming knife, bled it from the neck and slit open the belly. Hemotioned for me to kneel. I knelt.

I thought we were going to pray.

Sandy snapped at me: Closer!

I knelt closer, close enough to smell Sandy’s armpits. He placed a hand gently behind myneck, and now I thought he was going to hug me, congratulate me. Atta boy. Instead he pushed myhead inside the carcass.

I tried to pull away, but Sandy pushed me deeper. I was shocked by his insane strength. Andby the infernal smell. My breakfast jumped up from my stomach. Oh please oh please do not letme vomit inside a stag carcass. After a minute I couldn’t smell anything, because I couldn’tbreathe. My nose and mouth were full of blood, guts, and a deep, upsetting warmth.

Well, I thought, so this is death. The ultimate blooding.

Not what I’d imagined.

I went limp. Bye, all.

Sandy pulled me out.

I filled my lungs with fresh morning air. I started to wipe my face, which was dripping, butSandy grabbed my hand. Nae, lad, nae.

What?

Let it dry, lad! Let it dry!

We radioed back to the soldiers in the valley. Horses were sent. While waiting, we got down towork, gave the stag a full gralloching, the Old Scottish word for disemboweling. We removed thestomach, scattered the junky bits on the hillside for hawks and buzzards, carved out the liver andheart, snipped the penis, careful not to pop the cord, which would douse you with urine, a stenchthat ten Highland baths wouldn’t cleanse.

The horses arrived. We slung our gralloched stag across a white drum stallion, sent it off to thelarder, then walked shoulder to shoulder back to the castle.

As my face dried, as my stomach settled, I felt swelling pride. I’d been good to that stag, as I’dbeen taught. One shot, clean through the heart. Besides being painless, the instant kill hadpreserved the meat. Had I merely wounded him, or let him get a glimpse of us, his heart would’veraced, his blood would’ve filled with adrenaline, his steaks and fillets would’ve been inedible. Thisblood on my face contained no adrenaline, a credit to my marksmanship.

I’d also been good to Nature. Managing their numbers meant saving the deer population as awhole, ensuring they’d have enough food for winter.

Finally, I’d been good to the community. A big stag in the larder meant plenty of good meatfor those living around Balmoral.

These virtues had been preached to me from an early age, but now I’d lived them, and feltthem on my face. I wasn’t religious, but this “blood facial” was, to me, baptismal. Pa was deeplyreligious, he prayed every night, but now, in this moment, I too felt close to God. If you lovedNature, Pa always said, you had to know when to leave it alone, and when to manage it, andmanaging meant culling, and culling meant killing. It was all a form of worship.

At the larder Sandy and I took off our clothes and checked each other for ticks. Red deer inthose woods were rife and once a tick got onto your leg it would burrow deep under the skin, oftencrawl up into your balls. One poor gamekeeper had recently been felled by Lyme disease.

I panicked. Every freckle looked like doom. Is that a tick? Is that?

Nae, lad, nae!

I got dressed.

Turning to Sandy to say goodbye, I thanked him for the experience. I wanted to shake hishand, give him a hug. But a small, still voice inside me said:

Nae, lad. Nae.